Nov 252010

Plainly, I have too much time on my hands today. I didn’t set out to do a THAT’S METAL! post, but the surfing of the web led me to some new discoveries that proved irresistible to me. You’ll understand why in a moment.

It all started with Haate Kaate — a Bulgarian artist whose work we’ve featured before on this site, initially in a post about the most excellent album by German black-metal band Odem Arcarum, called Outrageous Reverie Above The Erosion Of Barren Earth, and then again in our longer review of that album.

We saw a MySpace bulletin about the album art she has just finished for a compilation CD due in December on the Ahnstern label called Oak Folk, which will include exclusive contributions by Agalloch, Allerseelen, Arnica, Changes, Dannagoischd, Fräkmündt, Hrefnesholt, Klammheim, Splinterskin, Sturmpercht, Waldteufel, Werra.  This dovetailed with the news we discovered that Agalloch and Allerseelen will be joining together on a mini-tour of the West Coast in December (see one of our earlier posts today).

In trying to find out more about that Oak Folk compilation, I browsed the Ahnstern Facebook page. A post on that page in turn led me to the discovery that there is a town in Austria called . . . wait for it . . . Fucking. In learning more about that town, I also discovered the town of Wank in Germany.

Now, you know us well enough to understand that there was no way in hell we could resist adding a post about these towns to NCS, with a few of our typically tasteless embellishments. So, here goes . . . after the jump.

FUCKING

Fucking is an Austrian village in the municipality of Tarsdorf, in the Innviertel region of western Upper Austria. (None of those names mean shit to me, but I’m just trying to be thorough). The village is located 33 kilometers north of Salzburg, four kilometers east of the German border and half an hour by car from the town of . . . Petting, in Bavaria.

No shit. You proceed through Petting and eventually you come to Fucking. This is almost perfect. It would in fact be perfect if there were an alternate route in which you start with Petting and then veer off to Blue Balls — y’know, because when you start with Petting, it doesn’t always lead where you want it to. Unfortunately, there is no Blue Balls in Austria, although there is a Blue Ball, Pennsylvania, which is not far from Intercourse, PA, in Lancaster County (the home of August Burns Red).

But back to Fucking. Because it’s a town in Austria, it’s pronounced “Fook-ing”. Try to keep that in mind as you read further in this post. If you can, you’re a better lad or lass than I am.

Fucking is very small. It only has about 20 houses — and that sign featured at the top of this post, which of course tourists steal on a regular basis. Here’s a quote we found from the Fucking police chief, Kommandant Schmidtberger: “The Germans all want to see the Mozart house in Salzburg,” he explained. “Every American seems to care only about ‘The Sound of Music’ [the 1965 film shot around Salzburg]. The occasional Japanese wants to see Hilter’s birthplace in Braunau. But for the British, it’s all about Fucking.” But of course it is.

I also found a web page on the Virtual Tourist web site about Fucking. It has the usual sidebars and headings for every destination that Virtual Tourist covers — they just sound funnier because of the name of this town. And so, if you visit that page, you will see, among other things, links for the following: Fucking Map, Fucking Photos, Fucking Videos, Fucking Things To Do, Fucking Hotels, and More Fucking Tips.

On that site, I also discovered that Petting is not the only conveniently named town in the vicinity of Fucking. In fact, you can plan a route that begins in the town of Kissing (near Augsburg), and then passes through Petting and Tittmoning to Fucking. It apparently takes a little more than 2 hours to get from Kissing to Fucking. You can also take a detour to Condom. (Actually, I don’t know if there’s a town called Condom in Austria or Germany, but there is one in France.)

There’s also a town near Berlin in Germany called Wedding. The Michelin Interactive Roadmap tells you that you need 6 hours and 22 minutes to come from Fucking to Wedding. But, of course, that’s not a compulsory route. You might be perfectly happy to stop at Fucking, or just driving back and forth between Kissing and Fucking, over and over again.

But back to Fucking. I found one tourist’s photo travelogue (here) that included pictures of Fucking cats, Fucking cows, Fucking farmers, and even a little Fucking chapel. I also found a caption contest for that road-sign photo I stole for the top of this post, and the winner was: “Dear Mom and Dad. Well, it’s day four of our trip, and we’ve settled on Fucking for the night. Will write tomorrow, love Wolfie.”

WANK

Sometimes when you’re on the road from Kissing to Fucking, you can have a breakdown and never reach your intended destination. Or maybe, you can’t even find your way to Kissing. But have no fear, because you can always fall back on Wank when you need to.

That would be Wank, Germany, just across the border with Austria and about 90 minutes away from Fucking. To be precise, this place is located in Ostallgau, Schwaben, Bayern, Germany. Again, except for Germany, those names don’t mean shit to me. I’m just trying to be thorough.

Wank is the kind of place you only want to visit — because if you established permanent residency, everyone would call you a Wanker.

It’s actually not clear to me that Wank is a legally incorporated town. Instead, it appears to be a mountain, but with the usual tourist attractions in the vicinity (see this article). Although it’s not as nice as Fucking, sometimes a mountainous Wank is the best you can manage.

I wonder what you call a tourist from Wank who visits Fucking? A Fucking Wanker?

Well, I could go on forever about these subjects . . . but I won’t. Instead, to come full circle, here’s Haate Kaate’s album art for that forthcoming Oak Folk compilation CD:

29 Responses to ““THAT’S METAL!” – BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (NO. 22): FUCKING AND WANKING”

  1. Steff Metal says:

    This cracked me up. We drove through Wank on our way to Austria, but I was too slow with the camera and we couldn’t exactly turn the massive campervan around. Since all other occupants of the campervan were legally blind, my husband was the only one who can claim he’s been a Wanker.

    • Islander says:

      Hey Steff, so nice to see your comment! And also great to know that Wank is not just some kind of internet myth but a place that one can actually drive through. Maybe it’s just as well that you didn’t see the sign. Would that have made you a Wanker, too? Just wondering.

  2. Niek says:

    Brilliant! Excellent research on your part! I also found out on Fucking’s wiki page that there was an effort to start a beer brand named Fucking Hell. ‘Hell’ being a German word for lager, it would simply mean lager from Fucking. How cool would that have been?! Unfortunately, the effort was stopped in its tracks by some moralist instance (can’t remember what it was).

    • Phro says:

      That reminded me that manko (manco?) means one arm in Spanish…

      And pussy in Japanese…not like the cat…like where the octolegs go…

    • Islander says:

      Damned moralists! That would have been so awesome. I’d love going into a bar and asking, “Have you got any Fucking Hell on tap?”

    • Islander says:

      By the way, to give credit where credit is due, one of the commenters on that Virtual Tourist site figured out the routings from Kissing to Fucking and from Fucking to Wedding. Not that I needed the instruction, of course, though in my case it took years to go from Fucking to Wedding.

  3. Phro says:

    If only there a town called tentacle and another town called vagoo!!

    But this was masterful written!

    Hehe! I said master…

  4. Phro says:

    So porn filmed in wank would be wank porn…

    What if itnwas a bukkake film in wank? Wankkakke?

  5. Phro says:

    I wonder what it’s like to be a student in the high school of fucking…

    Do sports from fucking play teams from wank?

    And fucking beat the wanks last week!!
    Yep, the wank team can never hold a candle to fucking!

    • Islander says:

      The only school in the world where the students can call their teachers fuckers and get away with it.
      The sports teams are bound to have a mascot, right? The Fucking Trojans? The Fucking Tigers?
      And how ’bout the teams from Wank? So far, the best name I’ve come up with is the Wank Us Dry. I know “Us Dry” isn’t a mascot, but it’s got a nice ring to it.

      • Phro says:

        How about the Fucking Fucks and the Wank Masters?

        • Islander says:

          Okay, you win. Both are such obvious, natural choices. Though “Wank Master” sounds like some kind of device you’d see advertised for $19.95 on a late-night infomercial.

      • ElvisShotJFK says:

        I dunno, do sports teams even have mascots in Europe? When I was in Germany, I never really paid attention to the school athletics, so I don’t know it any school teams that may exist even have names like they do elsewhere or in the pro leagues (big and small).

        However, on the subject of mascots, there’s plenty of fodder over here in the U.S. to make one wonder. Then giggle. Some of the school names are dubious, while some cities have unfortunate names when anyone juvenile sees them. You’ve brought up Intercourse, while Michigan is home to both Hell and Beaver (a couple other states have a Beaver, too). Plus, exit 69 on US 41 leads to Big Beaver Road. And yes, Michigan is also home to the Nimrods. But it’s meant to represent the mighty hunter, not idiotic students. Although I’m sure there are some of them too.

  6. ElvisShotJFK says:

    Dammit, who left the keys to the bar out in the open around Phro again?

    And yes, you do have too much time on your hands. I’m afraid to ask what else you may have on your hands.

    • Islander says:

      I’m glad you didn’t ask. That would be a very personal question. But at the moment, it’s just a pussy. Y’know, my cat. He’s wondering why I’m laughing when he hasn’t done anything funny yet.

    • Phro says:

      Best thing is: I’m not drunk! I’m just bored at work!!

      On my hands is nothing but the skin my mamma birthed me with…

      In my hands is the future of the human race.

      And a big hairy…

      FIST!

      Fist can be a verb, you know?

  7. vinter says:

    thank you again mr.islander for writing about something and then unintentionally introducing me to a band i did not know about (and kind of missed a review post about it /facepalm) ordem arcanum, im listening to their stuff on the myspace page, great stuff indeed!
    on topic! here in portugal we have our dose of stupid town names, such as picha( cock/dick), venda de raparigas ( roughly translated to girls for sale), cemiterio (cemitery), bexiga (bladder) and shitloads of other retarded names.

    • Islander says:

      Oh damn, these are choice. I especially like venda de raparigas, in part because it’s so wondrous that the town never changed its name. There was a referendum in Fucking to change the town’s name, but the residents voted that down, wisely recognizing that it would damage the tourist trade, no doubt. But why would you keep a name like venda de raparigas?
      (Really glad you like Odem Arcarum!)

      • Vinter says:

        i dont think there has ever been a name change in a town here in portugal, mainly because these names and these towns date to….well, long before dinosaurs, and lets face it, its good for tourism ( and a good laugh or the ocasional facepalm)
        ill drop a few more just for the sake of it : cama porca ( filthy bed), campa do preto ( black man’s grave)
        Casal de água de todo o ano ( all year’s water couple” no fucking idea what it is suposed to mean)
        Colo do pito ( pussy’s lap ), crucifixo ( crucifix ), focinho de cão ( dog snout), hospicios ( mental hospitals)
        Monte dos tesos ( boner hill ” sort of”), pés escaldados ( burnt feet ), purgatorio ( purgatory)
        Senhora do alivio ( Relief lady ), Sitio das solteiras ( single girl site), Traseiros ( behinds)
        Vale dos mortos ( valey of the dead), Venda dos pretos ( black people for sale…. yes i know this one is quite bad).

        • Islander says:

          Damn bro, are there any towns in Portugal with normal names? I thought my ex-home state of Texas had some whacko names (Muleshoe, Dime Box, Happy, Smiley, Bigfoot, Noodle, Kermit, Hogeye, Notrees), but they’re tame compared to Portugal.

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