Love is grand and all that, but you still need to keep your priorities straight.
Women need to keep their priorities straight, too. More about that after the jump.
Here we are, with another highly commercialized holiday, the principle object of which is to get you to show your love by spending money. And of course, nothing says “love” like spending money, and nothing measures the depth of your love more accurately than the amount of money you spend.
Being tolerant, being willing to sacrifice to the needs of someone else, shutting your yap and listening for a change, biting down on your temper when you’d selfishly like to have a good explosion, admiring and appreciating the person you’re closest to, remembering how much life would probably suck if you were alone again (and showing it) — that’s all shit. Buying gifts is where it’s at.
Apart from giving retailers yet another excuse to sell you their wares, Valentine’s Day has lots of other pluses and minuses. In the minus column, instead of providing an excuse for being more than usually romantic, it can become a brutal downer if you’re alone, especially if you’re still hurting from the pain of a recent break-up (or even an old one that just won’t leave your memories alone).
So your buddy Islander has some advice for you lonely hearts out there. In fact, I’m taking this occasion to answer some of the many e-mails I receive from people seeking advice in matters of the heart.
Hey baby,
I saw your pic on FB today and you look really hot. I like to get wild and I’d love to talk. Here’s my pic, soapy and fresh out of the shower. Give me a call at this number and let’s hook up. (Some charges may apply.)
Signed,
Britney
Dear Britney,
You look pretty fucken hot yourself, Britney, and I completely understand why you’d like to talk with me. Many other people also want to talk with me. Though most of them are creditors. Speaking of which, would it be possible for you to send me a toll-free number instead of one that will cost me my left nut in phone charges? I lost the right one in a mosh pit, so I’m bein’ really fuckin protective with the left one.
Sincerely,
Islander
Dear Islander,
For your robust bone-on! Encourage your love shaft! Get roof-breaking stiffies naturally! Unleash your carnal beast! Even if your sex life is already rich and fulfilling… Imagine you had a little more energy… if your erections stayed harder… or you could go just a little longer… Or maybe you worry, when you climb under the covers, that you’re starting something you can’t finish?
Well, now advancements in natural medicine are making it easier than ever to promote a strong libido, firm, natural erections and enhanced desire. Visit our pharmaceutical web site or call our toll-free number today!
Hugh G. Rection, M.D.
Dear Dr. Rection,
This is a romance column, where I answer questions of the heart. You have not asked a question. You are also talking about an organ other than the heart. Please quit talking about my love shaft and go away. (I’ll call you later.)
Robustly boned,
Islander
Dear Islander,
My boyfriend just broke up with me. I think he’s been seeing some brainless skank who’s a total loser. I hate his guts for doing this to me. But I also love him and miss him. Everyone says I’ll find someone else who’s better for me, but that’s what they think they’re supposed to say. Doesn’t mean shit. I feel like killing myself. Is there a point to all this?
Miserable
Dear Miserable,
Trust your instincts: kill yourself without delay.
LOL. Just kidding. A little bit of the old NCS humor. Haha! No, seriously, just put this on a repeat loop and listen to it non-stop for the next 24 hours. Try not to sleep, because that will disrupt the medicinal properties. After 24 hours you should be feeling no further emotional pain, or any other feelings. If this don’t work, get back to me. I got a lot more medicine in my black bag.
[audio:https://www.nocleansinging.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/03-Thrones-Turned-To-Rust.mp3|titles=Cruciamentum – Thrones Turned To Rust]Brutal regards,
Islander
Dear Islander,
I love your site and I think you have amazing taste and a near-encyclopedic knowledge of metal. You are also a brilliant writer and I don’t understand why NCS doesn’t have 10,000 FB likes. Will you let me bear your children, oh glorious leader?
XOX,
Svetlana
Dear Svetlana,
You are an incredibly perceptive person with highly refined judgment. So yes, you may bear my children. A frozen ampule is on its way to you now, primed and ready for insertion and insemination. If it’s a boy, please name him Samoth, and if a girl, Twinkles.
Islander, Rex
Dear Islander,
It’s Valentine’s Day. Can’t you play some beautiful music, just this one time, instead of the insufferable noise you usually put up on your ridiculous blog?
You suck,
Elizabeth
Dear Liz,
Thank you for your thoughtful note. I’m stoked that you dig what we’re doing here. Just for you, I have this song.
Bite me,
Islander
Dear Islander,
I just read your completely offensive and useless answer to my cry for help. How would you feel if I’d really offed myself, you insensitive prick! Men suck, and you suck harder than most. You ought to kill YOURSELF. Useless asshole.
Miserable
Dear Miserable,
WHOA! Hey, lighten up a little! It was just a dude you lost — they’re a million of them out there. You just need to bait your hook and drop it in the water and they’ll come swarming like perch. Or piranhas. And if you really need to get some catharsis to help you get past the break-up, there’s some advice you may find useful in the following video.
Still brutal,
Islander
If Breakup Ballads Were More Realistic (And Way Crazier) — powered by Cracked.com
(Thanks to Phro for this awesome video.)
P.S. Credit to Metality for sharing the cartoon at the top of the post. Credit to me for making it a two-way street.
P.P.S. Stroszek is a project formed by Claudio Alcara of the Italian black metal band Frostmoon Eclipse. Stroszek includes Alcara’s fellow Frostmoon bandmates Davide on bass and Richard on drums. The song is from Stroszek’s third album, Sound Graveyard Bound, which is scheduled for release on March 10. This player includes two more songs from the album.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
65 Responses to “HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY MOTHERFUCKERS”
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Dear Islander,
I think the Fucktopus is cheating on me with Godzilla.
Any idea how I can get them to take me to your house, so we can have a giant tentacle/Godzilla-bukakke orgy? I promise you can be on the bottom. Also, if I were, hypothetically, in love with your cat, what kind of present should I buy it to steal it’s affection away from you and to my tuna covered nipples?
Love,
Phro
Dear Phro,
Trust your instincts on this: kill yourself.
Also, tuna covered nipples will get you nowhere with the cat. I speak from experience. Also, this:
https://www.nocleansinging.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/omg-ur-home.jpg
but…my instinct is to lather myself with margarine (not butter, we all need to watch those calories) and play slip’n’slide in your front lawn. The lorises said it was cool, so…you’re free around 7, right?
I love cats. That is all I have to say about that.
This is totally unfair. The lorises are suckers for margarine. But I warn you, if you’re lathered in margarine they may mistake you for a giant grub, and then this will happen:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Th199ySVdU
For the cuteness overload, I’d say it’s worth it.
Also: how many times have you had that conversation with your wife?
I have never discussed a giant tentacle/Godzilla-bukakke orgy with my wife.
REALLY?!?!? What a seriously sucky relationship you must have….
I have some books that will help you broach the subject and help you implement a weekly…thing…as the young ‘uns say.
…I have.
I just call it Tuesday
ZING!
I see your Stroszek and raise you Anal Cunt’s “Picnic of Love”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3iZSnHUTX4
The tenderness of that made me tear up. Such life-affirming music.
I just found my V-day massacre soundtrack.
Look for me on the news.
What’ll be the weapon of choice?
I highly recommend the compound bow if you’re going with the cupid thing. You can wear cute little fake wings, a bed sheet, and crocs. Just to seal the deal on madness.
Doesn’t Cupid go barefoot?
Picnic of love is just…amazing. I mean, I don’t think I’d wanna listen to it on a regular basis…but it still makes
me happier than a fly in shit.
Also, my girlfriend likes this song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLEZunJmyjw.
I never heard those songs before. Remarkable choices for the day.
And I finally listened to the new Spawn song. Now I have to apologize to someone’s cat.
Dear Islander,
I just broke up with both Alexandria (my right hand) and Sonia (my left hand). I’ve spent countless, memorable moments with them in the bathroom, and I’m feeling so heart-broken now. I feel like I could pull out my spine and slit my wrists, drink the blood from the gaping wounds, choke on it, and then lay dying in a pool of crimson blooooood.
What should I do? Please advice.
xoxo
Have you considered glory holes?
^ This.
Also consider killing yourself.
Dear single people,
All year long I have had to listen to you bragging about how awesome your life is because you’re not tied down, don’t have to answer to anyone, and can do whatever you want whenever you want. This? This is MY day. Kindly shut the fuck up and let me enjoy it.
Sincerely,
Trollfiend.
P.S. doesn’t matter; had sex.
I’m not single, but I also can’t let you enjoy it…so, um…haha! No kids!
You suck.
Single people dont have to buy stuff for this fucking made up Holiday…Even on Valentines day I envy them
It’s not made up! It celebrates the martyrdom of one of possibly fourteen St. Valentines!
Oh btw martyrdom = stoning, clubbing and beheading.
Or you could go with the Roman festival of Lupercalia which involves streaking and being whipped. That’s the one I like.
You might find this relevant, from this day a year ago:
https://www.nocleansinging.com/2011/02/14/hey-motherfuckers-happy-valentines-day/
TL;DR
Chronic masturbation all dayyyyyyyyyyyy!
That doesn’t stop for marriage. Or children. Or, let’s face it, the zombie apocalypse.
Remind me not to shake your hand today.
..or ever
That’s why one headbutts people instead of shaking hands… On ANY day.
Had to add one more follow-up letter and response to the original post, plus new video. Thank you Phro.
I am loyal to three websites: No Clean Singing, Cracked, and Pharyngula. Just cross posting the love.
And in this case love isn’t love juice. It’s the crunch bits of bone I keep finding in my HumanFlakes.
Pharyngula sounds like a throat disease.
“Pharyngula“?
Yep. I think those three sites tell you a little bit about me…maybe?
Pharyngula looks quite cool.
It’s had a big impact on how I think about a lot of things. I don’t always agree with everything written there, but even when I disagree, it’s good thinking stuff.
“…If it’s a boy, please name him Samoth, and if a girl, Twinkles.” What if it’s a wolf?
One doesn’t remember posting this… (O_o)
Well, if you don’t remember, I certainly don’t.
The good news is that at least the cube isn’t out lose here.
“…If it’s a boy, please name him Samoth, and if a girl, Twinkles.”
Have you considered the other possibilities? Just saying.
Yes, I did. I also considered Chernobog and Nukpana.
Perhaps you didn’t notice which words one has made bold… For a further clue, also look at one’s accidental comment above.
Now I understand. I hadn’t considered names for cross-species outcomes, since i perhaps foolishly assumed that Svetlana was human.
Wait. You’re the one who’s just human?
…And you live on an island full of lorises whom you command, while one can only command one’s farts. One should wonder how that works.
I am post-human.
Proto human might be more accurate….
Or! Post humus!
Post hummus
Wait….the soil is humus, but the food is hummus…. Which one are you coming after?!
Let’s just say post-consumable….and add some jerking motions.
Please tell me those are actual questions sent to this website….lie to me if you must
You got it: They were all actual questions sent to this website, especially the 4th one.
Near-encyclopedic knowledge?…just had to take it one step too far didnt you? Now the illusion is ruined..ruined I( say
I think it was just Svetlana’s modest way of playing hard to get.
Are you questioning the girth and penetrating power of the Glorious Leader’s Knowledge Rod?
How DARE you!?
Don’t you know it was endowed unto him from divine origins? With a massive size and potency that makes grown men and women sigh and little children cry?
His knowledge is like a serpent with all seeing eyes that can slither into the darkest regions and bring pure, hot, white substance to any debate!
Respect the Glorious Leader’s Knowledge Rod!
In recognition of your loyalty, I have selected the new blog subheader.
Haha! I feel so pretty, witty, and wise!
Thats just the drugs…it will wear off soon enough
So I should resist the urge to snap fight a biker gang?
Not at all. Trust your instincts on that.
I’m sensing a slight deficiency in the knowledge rod…
Most of MY phone calls are creditors. Srs, this article made my day. Happy Hallmark Empire Victory Day, everyone. All hail the empire!
I shudder at the mention of the Dark Lords of the Hallmark Empire. This is indeed their day, and all shall hail their triumph.