I fell off a wall last night. Intoxicants may have had something to do with it, though native idiocy could explain the whole thing, too.
My wife is out of town. I had been out carousing. Turns out I had locked myself out of my house, and had left the house key inside. I had also forgotten to turn on any lights, and where I live, it’s pretty close to pitch black when the lights are off. I also had no flashlight in my car (yeah, I’m that kind of dumbass). I was trying to find my way around to the back of the house to a place where a spare key is hidden. This involved walking along the edge of a low wall above a shallow ravine.
I thought I’d passed the end of the ravine and could safely turn left to walk down a small slope to where the key is hidden, but like I said, I couldn’t see shit. I took a step, unexpectedly went down about four feet, and landed awkwardly. Skinned up my left leg and twisted my ankle pretty good.
I lay there for a few minutes whimpering, with the sounds of the lorises’ mewling laughter ringing in my head. After I made it inside (which took a while), I probably should have tried to do something about the ankle, something like putting ice on it or wrapping it in an Ace bandage, or cutting off my foot right above the sprain. But I was kinda fucked up and I wanted to get off of it fast, so I pounded some Advil and went to bed.
This morning it didn’t look too bad at first, but it hurts like a motherfucker and it didn’t take many minutes of hobbling around for it to start swelling up. At least it’s not black and blue. Â Yet.
I am so lame, on so many levels. This is what happens when my brain leaves town. Fortunately, she’ll be back tomorrow night. So I’ve got 36 hours to cook up a story about how this happened. You got any ideas?
Anyway, long story short, I didn’t write anything for NCS last night. I haven’t written anything this morning except this confession of stupidity and pain. I’m sure I’ll get something metal done in the next hour or two. This definitely isn’t metal.
36 Responses to “LAME”
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Just one more reason for me not to drink I ‘spose. But now we know that you also have legs, or at least a disembodied calf, ankle and foot.
What’s the artwork up at the top?
It’s a piece by a French digital artist, Alexandra V Bach. I’ve been using it for the NCS FB profile because it’s so awesome, and also seems so appropriate. Here’s the artist’s FB page.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Alexandra-V-Bach/70902504345
I should add that the original piece is in color. I converted it to black and white.
And yes, “don’t drink” is certainly one possible moral of this miserable story. Another one could be “keep a flashlight in your car when you live in a dark place, asshole.” Or “turn on the fuckin’ lights, you moron.” Or “never lock your house except when you have a house key with you, dipshit.”
Leaving house checklist: Balls, wallet, phone, keys. Never fails.
Wait . . . I need balls? That could be a problem.
Well you don’t need them per say but it’s always good to make sure they’re still attached, just for emergencies.
Makes sense. I’ll start looking for them as soon as I can walk again.
What kind of emergency requires you to have testicles?…
bwhahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Sorry, sorry….
ahahahahahaha
You could always just use the old standby, “I fell down the stairs.” Or you just missed the ice cream truck and had to run to catch up but then slipped on an ill-placed pile of dog excrement.
I don’t know. Those stories don’t really sound like improvements on the truth. I was thinking more along the lines of coming across a team of burglars trying to get in our house, valiantly fighting them off single-handedly, and being hit in the ankle with a crowbar before they fled for their lives.
Solid choice. You could also say they stole something of sentimental value and then you had to chase them down the street and beat them within an inch of their lives, twisting your ankle in the process.
Now we’re making progress!
Oh, come on! Stop all this lying.
We all know you were out traipsing around a sewer, looking for some prime bloody condoms to suck on when you slipped on a sewer rat.
I know it, you know, and your wife sure as hell will know it when she gets a wiff of your sewer-loving-self.
(Seriously though, be careful.)
Have you been stalking me again? I thought we had an arrangement: You were going to stop following me at night and I was going to not tell the authorities about what you keep in the frig.
You can tell them whatever you want. They know they can never pass through the Gate of No Piggies to get at my frig.
You keep your frig in your colon? How does that work?
It was an expensive but worthwhile procedure. I can now transport “liberated” organs in my body across state lines with no cops any the wiser!
Also, don’t you have a cell phone? They produce light, and I’ve used my cell phone as an impromptu flashlight many, many times. I expected a headless cyborg from the year 2666 such as yourself to know this kind of thing.
Uh, yeah I have a cell phone. Had it on me last night. Why didn’t you call and give me this advice last night when it would have helped me instead of telling me now and making me feel stupid-er?
I think there’s a saying about learning from one’s mistakes gives the world the chance to laugh at said mistakes, thus improving the lives of everyone you know through humor.
If such a saying does not exist, I’ll coin it now: your fuck ups are my joys.
So in other words, this is really all your fault. I’m simply the innocent victim of your sadistic tendency to find joy in the pain and humiliation of others. I knew deep down that this had to be someone else’s fault.
Uh…
Sure, that actually makes sense. I would like to take the credit for 95% of the bad things that happen to you. (The other 5% is Utmu’s fault. Though he can’t help it; he’s a powerful wizard, but only when he’s asleep and doesn’t realize what he’s doing.)
So I need to make sure Utmu never sleeps and that you never wake up. Should be doable.
……..
Did you just threaten to murder me in my sleep?
Not at all. I just plan to rock you in your crib endlessly.
Have all your problems been happening during the day the past few months? Cuz I’ve mostly been sleeping during the day. Last night I went to sleep around maybe… I don’t know — I do know that I missed Craig Ferguson.
I have problems all the time, but Phro is obviously responsible for everything when’s he awake. I think you should start staying awake during daytime hours. And nighttime hours.
Yeah, I’ve started staying awake now that my in-class course has started. I can’t say I’ll stay awake at night though.
so about flashlights, many many years ago I read a guide for foreigners moving to the states, it said that streets in the US are rarely lit so always carry a flash light in your car, fifteen years later I still have a giant maglight in my car…
I used to have a big maglite in my car (they make a handy weapon if needed, as well as providing light). I have no clue what happened to it. Didn’t even realize it was gone. I bought another one today when I got a brace for my ankle. 🙂
yeah, I chose a maglite for the same reason. I like multipurpose items, it helps me find my way and crack skulls!
Blame the garden gnomes. Those bastards are everywhere, and they’re in league with the pink flamingoes.
Or it could’ve been ninjas.
Ninja garden gnomes.
Well, I lost my nerve and just told the truth. After helpfully pointing out that I should have used my cell phone as a flashlight (I think I’ve heard that somewhere else before), she was very sympathetic.
At least you weren’t on a bridge: http://citizensvoice.com/news/n-y-man-dies-after-falling-from-bridge-1.1390877
Shit! That’s an awful story. I am indeed grateful for small favors, like a 4-foot drop instead of a 100-foot one.