Nov 132012

(The following post was written by guest contributor Happy Metal Guy.)

The unmetal have risen. How protected are you from them?

Only ignorant fools decry the severity—or even the existence—of the unmetal plague. This handy article is your key to surviving the metalocalypse, and hopefully it will enable you to make it through young enough to revitalize the human gene pool. Make haste, for every second you waste in contemplating the validity of this article is a second gained for the cunning horde out there that is always actively seeking out ways to infect you. Everything you need to know to safeguard yourself and your loved ones against the ravenous unmetal can be found here through 10 unproven, fishy-sounding tips. Don’t be an ignorant fool, this article can save your life.

1. Learn to spot the signs!

Prevention is the best cure—this cliché aphorism never made more sense in today’s unmetal epidemic. Argonium may be an untreatable virus at the moment, but Mother Nature is not without her sadistic sense of humor. Thank Lemmy that she’s kind enough to throw in all those obvious symptoms to warn us of infected individuals, which ranges from body graffiti such as tattooed Chinese characters whose bearers usually don’t even know their meanings, to severely gauged earlobes (that seem to serve the purpose of encouraging another form of alternative copulation) and faux hawk or “tsunami” hairstyles, to name just a few off the foremost atoms atop the needle-sharp tip of the Titanic-sized iceberg. In summary, the gist is that the most commonly seen members of the unmetal can have appearances that lean to either end of the following two extremes: resembling either Frankie Palmeri or Andy Biersack. The special infected, however, are a more dangerous and cunning breed and will be discussed last in this article.

2. They have feelings, why should you?

One of the most defining traits of the unmetal is their capacity to possess feelings. It generally shows in the lyrics, in which positive feelings such as optimism and happiness are commonplace. Having negative feelings is actually a pretty metal thing to do, but that’s so 1980’s. Being metal is all about pushing boundaries and being as ugly a bastard child as possible among mankind’s many subculture groups, so it is time we updated our metal agenda accordingly with the times and upgrade from having negative feelings to none at all. With our Achilles’ heel protected, we can be the mean, brutal killing machines we have always wanted to be in our song lyrics, and extinguish the piteous unmetal scum from the face of Earth. GET TO THE CHOPPAAAAA!!!!!

3. You have a head: relieve them of theirs.

The unmetal are a primitive breed. Within an hour of infection (people with the AFG syndrome reportedly have it within 3 ½ minutes—the typical length of a metalcore song—as the AFG syndrome catalyzes the Argonium virus’ infection rate for some unknown reason), the Argonium virus reduces the once brilliant human brain contained within from an intricate neuron network buzzing with electrical impulses that are being fired everywhere to an underutilized mass of grey matter tingling with faint electrical activity. Research has shown that the minimal amount of electrical impulses that are still being fired around in the diseased brain are linked to primitive portions of the brain that deal with “lower order” activities, such as instantly liking any song with the combination of Suffocation-like breakdowns and balls-squeezingly high-pitched clean singing, and the inability to tell the Linkin Parks and Korns from the Psycroptics and Cannibal Corpses. These symptoms are like huge neon signs plastered across the faces of the unmetal, screaming in flashing bright green font: LOL SHOOT ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR NORWEGIAN DUDES. Always, always remember to double-tap. If you’re out of quivers, having a chainsaw around will be helpful. What about the bloody mess afterwards? Dude, chainsaws are fucking metal.

4. Melee weapons don’t need reloading, and the more primitive, the better.

Apart from the reason stated in #3, there is another reason why melee weapons are like your house keys in the metalocalyptic world we live in today: you simply can’t leave home without a trusty ol’ physical weapon that doesn’t jam on you at the very last minute or require precious time to be wasted on replenishing projectiles just to be able to function again. Beware though, the unmetal have been known to either use projectile weapons themselves or simply have an obsession with them (e.g. Real life case #1 and real life case #2), and although they are obviously fools for not realizing the delicacy of these fragile death-spitting contraptions, it doesn’t convince your logic-ridden brain that when you are faced with their shotgun with only an axe in hand, it is probably game over for you.

Fret not however, extreme metal visionaries such as Sir Varg Vikernes tells us that the more primitive a melee weapon you use, the more impervious you are to high-velocity projectiles; and one does not simply talk logic with extreme metal visionaries. My guess is that a primitive spear or scimitar is probably imbued with magical powers from pagan spirits and the gods themselves, so they must be able to deflect bullets or do something else awesome of that sort, since the forces from beyond want to deliver their message to the surviving metal masses through you, and that must mean you must survive, right? If you really, really, really must satisfy your craving for a ranged weapon though, you’ll still have to stick with a primitive weapon. A bow is the perfect option, oozing with historical significance related to awesome neanderthals such as Genghis Khan and Robin Hood, but you’ll have to be as skillful as this girl if you want to stand your ground against the gun-toting unmetal.

5. Ideal protection = loose/no clothes, scraggly mane.

Forget tight T-shirts and jeans, they are for unmetal poseurs. The most commonly overlooked factor when planning one’s escape from an overrun city is the choice of clothes, and it is a big mistake to wave away the seemingly unimportant part that attire plays in efficient escaping. Forget aerodynamics, friction, and all of that scientific hornswoggling hogwash. Dragons, Satan, and Vikings will tell you that they aren’t real! It’s the pathetic human brain making up stuff to explain the unexplainable! Short hair and skin-hugging clothes WILL NOT make it harder for highway-dwelling unmetal stragglers to grab you. XL – XXXXXXXXXL Gildan/Fruit Of The Loom T-shirts are the way to go for the top, but if you want to go topless as well, it is fine only because it is so damn metal (\m/,).

Short hair is a no-no too, because they make you look fatter than you probably already are, and you need to keep that wild, metal mane to experience that wonderful feeling of your follicles straining to prevent your hair strands from being torn away from your scalp by the swooshing wind while speeding away on your Harley Davidson. With the billowing pockets of air flapping about your twin underarm areas (or simply natural air-conditioning for your unclothed, bushy armpits) and your magnificent locks of hair trailing behind you like wet instant noodles left overnight, you can be sure that any member of the unmetal horde will be hard-pressed to find any gripping point on you, let alone even wanting to touch you.

6. Keeping in shape.

It is essential to stress on the importance of being in good health, especially when the unmetal are generally horribly emaciated due to the Argonium virus’ fat-eating trait. Poor them… if only they knew the warm feeling of beer, goat’s blood, meat, Doritos and other fattening food in their stomachs. Scrawny and unhealthy as the unmetal might be, though, this actually makes most of them capable of reaching running speeds of up to 40 km/h once they go into predatory mode, no thanks to the lesser effect Earth’s gravity pull has on them due to their smaller masses.

Fret not however, for being a true metal warrior who can stand up against the pathetic unmetal horde is all about revolting against bad health, and it is easy to achieve that tip-top body condition to carry out your unholy crusade in. Apart from sticking to a strictly non-vegetarian diet as mentioned earlier, make sure to exercise regularly.

Here’s the recommended daily workout routine:

The Daily Metal Workout Routine
Workout A – Daytime
Exercises Sets Rep Goal
Headbanging 6 66
Throwing The Horns 6 66
Strolling Around In Combat Attire 6 66
Workout B – Nighttime
Exercises Sets Rep Goal
Quarrelling On The Internet 6 66
Channel-Surfing 6 66
Fornicate Cadavers (Position – Infernal Pelvik Thrvst Ov Wintry Doom) 6 66

 

Before you know it, you will be this hulking chunk of greasy metal goodness that will be ready to take on any unmetal beanpoles! Or at the very least, your combat armor and generous layers of blubber will make you more resistant to their physical assaults.

7. Never hitch a car ride unless the driver’s metal (friend or not).

Automobile transport is an essential tool that can greatly increase your chances of surviving the metalocalypse, especially when migrating between cities, but never ever get into any automobile that isn’t metal enough. There have been known cases where desperate refugees from third-world cities, seeking salvation in Sweden/Norway/Finland, eagerly hopped aboard the first automobile that was kind enough to stop by the deserted highways and offer them a ride to their desired destination, only for it to drive off to one of the numerous slaughterhouses known as “nightclubs” afterwards. Those refugees were never seen again, and rumor has it that they all end up in the basic infected stage and toil away at the “nightclubs” for as long as their flesh lasts, mindlessly grinding away at one another’s denim-wrapped rear ends. Shown above is an illustration of the ideal metal automobile to ride in, but if you can’t afford it or don’t have the luck to chance upon a metal brother driving one along the deserted highways, try to settle for less. Even the simplest metal blemish, such as a Slayer bumper sticker, will offer some protection!

8. Blend in.

Going out of the house is generally a bad idea (see #9). But when it comes to one’s daily sustenance (see #9 too), you will have no choice but to do just that. Always make it a quick in-quick out. Whichever city you are in, make sure to scavenge for tourist maps and study them in the house, plan your moves beforehand, and then execute them in a swift and focused manner. It is extremely vital that your attire is appropriately under the radar so as to reduce the chances of you being sniffed out and attacked (the opposite of #5), and if possible, always bring along a (preferably primitive) melee weapon in addition to your ranged weapon as insurance against Murphy’s Law. Most of the unmetal horde will look like normal people (y’know, that thing you once were before selling your soul to metal), and that’s exactly how you want to look like if you want to have your cake Doritos and stay alive enough to eat it too afterwards. Don’t end up like the poor guy above. What you see up there is a color screenshot from a shopping mall security camera taken a week ago, and as this was also the last time he was ever seen by any of our metal kind, it also became his obituary photo.

9. Board up the doors, shutter the windows.

Basically, stay at home as much as possible as you don’t want to see the world out there. It is ridden with sunlight in the day and the unmetal horde at night, and the longer you are out there, the higher the risk of getting infected and becoming part of the unmetal scum. Only go out to restock on beers, fattening junk food (like Doritos), meat and goat’s blood—basically, keeping in line with #6. Also, the picture above is for illustration purposes only. Actual metal survivors are not supposed to look this tanned and good-looking. Again, look at #6.

10. Forget Bieber, the real enemy is amongst us.

The favorite punching bag of metal survivors all around the world, this Canadian pop star is actually just the unfortunate victim of jealousy. I mean, at the age of 18, he received a brand spankin’ new US$100,000 Fisker Karma sports car! That’s reason enough for even the most unmetal of the unmetal horde to hate his guts, stomach, gullet, tonsils, uvula, tongue and many other parts of him; and it’s funny how the most dangerous enemy facing us are actually the special infected who devote much of their time and energy to hating this teenager, whose music they probably don’t listen to anyway.

As much as metal people generally like to make themselves out to be people who are above the human condition, the irony is that metal music (and especially extreme metal music) IS about examining the human condition more so than any other genre of modern music—why can’t the special infected see it? This weakness has been attributed to a genetic flaw passed down from generation to generation, with the flaw getting progressively worse every generation, and the Argonium virus simply taps onto it and manipulates the subconscious of the host, resulting in an infection more subtle and deadlier than the basic form. Justin Bieber is not the cause of this advanced stage of infection: he’s merely the flipped switch in a faulty circuit. One of the oldest and most basic forms of war strategies is (ideally) making sure that the troops collectively understand the main goal of a war and not go off on a tangent. What use is a soldier who disgraces his comrades by firing upon a civilian weapons inventor showing off his latest toy? The basic infected are a priority, but the special infected are at the top of the wanted list. As soon as you find ‘em, smoke ‘em. The same rules from #3 apply.

 

P.S.: Check out my review of Dethklok‘s Dethalbum III here. Also check out my 10-chapter satirical metal fantasy, Tales of Phucktasia.

 

Happy Metal Guy lives in your imagination only and is ready to materialize at the slightest inkling of alcohol consumption. Put an inter-dimensional call through to Happyland to chat whenever you are drunk, but do take note that he is ready to move to Angryland at the earliest sign of an unmetal invasion.

7 Responses to “THE METALOCALYPSE SURVIVAL GUIDE”

  1. Black Shuck says:

    Jesus Christ, she’s Legolas.

    Also, next time I am abed with my lady, before I commence the act I shall yell, “PREPARE FOR THE INFERNAL PELVIK THRVST OV WINTRY DOOM!!!!!!” Her laughter shall resound for hours.

  2. Giovanni says:

    The first topic brings a really great question? Why are this folks trying to dress urban/hip hop style in metal?

    • Sean says:

      Well for one, this is satire. Though there’s some humurous honesty in it as well.

      But on the other hand, who cares how other people dress? If the metal community cares that much about how you appear, are we really any less shallow than the pop industry? If you buy the music and pay for tickets to see your favorite bands, you’re a worthy metalhead as any. Better yet if you’re an artist making great music.

      It aint a fashion contest.

      • Giovanni says:

        Tis very true. I do support many bands and create music as well. I do not think I ever worried about the way some one dresses, and it is not a clear indication of some ones musical preference. If you will, maybe the urban style is one way of dressing or mentality that I do not have experience with.

        • Sean says:

          That’s fair. It’s a style I’m not familiar with or identify with personally either. But at the same time I am among those who do not look like a metalhead. People are always surprised when I tell them or when they catch me listening to it.

  3. Ben says:

    Denim vests and mullets never go out of style.

  4. jeimssi says:

    The “blend in” picture made me actually laugh. And the mention of beer, well, made me crave for one. mhmmmm beeer! Kippis!

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