I WANT TO GIVE TROLLFEST A BAD REVIEW AND HALF A POINT

We’ve clearly been doing it all wrong.

NRK is the Norwegian government-owned radio and television public broadcasting company, and the largest media organization in Norway. Apparently, NRK reviewed Brumlebassen, the latest offering of Trve Norwegian Balkan Metal by our beloved TrollfesT. Apparently, it was a bad review. Apparently, NRK gave the album one point. Only one point!!

Now, your average metal band when confronted with a bad review and one point would either (a) ignore it and keep quiet about it, or (b) lash out in a vulgar display of hurt feelings and hostility, perhaps involving use of the word “motherfuckers”.

But TrollfesT are not your average metal band and they did neither of these things. Instead, they recorded a song about NRK’s bad review, entitled “NRK, vårt barndomshjem”, which apparently means “NRK, our childhood home”. It’s kind of a melancholy, soulful tune, not at all like TrollfesT’s usual carousing. But if you’ve listened to Brumlebassen, then you know TrollfesT is musically capable of doing just about anything they put their minds to.

I would like TrollfesT to write a song dedicated to NCS. I now think I know how to make this happen. We need to abandon our policy against writing bad reviews about music we don’t like. We need to stop devoting our space solely to music we want to recommend. We need to slag TrollfesT. And, at least for now, we need to jettison our policy against giving numerical ratings in our reviews.

So, here goes:

Brumlebassen is childish, self-indulgent, alcohol-fueled drivel. The lyrics are stupid, the performances are half-assed, the noise will make your ears bleed and snot to run from your nose in unstoppable rivulets. If you listen to the album, which you should do only at gunpoint, your IQ will be cut in half by the time you finish. TrollfesT should die in a fire for making such risible nonsense. On a scale of 1 to 100, Brumlebassen gets half a point.

Okay, I think that should do it. That’s bound to be worse than whatever NRK did.

I want my song now.

Maybe this will work with other bands, too. I’ll start making some notes about how putrid Gojira’s new album is and about how Epicloud gave me bloody diarrhea.
 

 

LYRICS:

Vi fikk en ener av NRK regimet
en ener av NRK regimet
Vi fikk en ener av NRK regimet
en ener av NRK regimet

NRK, vårt barndomshjem
NRK, vårt barndomshjem

Vi skal reise oss opp
og se fremover

Vi skal reise oss opp
og se fremover

Vi fikk en ener av NRK regimet
en ener av NRK regimet
Vi fikk en ener av NRK regimet
en ener av NRK regimet

English translation:

We received one point from the Norwegian Broadcast Regime
One point from the Norwegian Broadcast Regime

Norwegian Broadcast Regime, our childhood home
Norwegian Broadcast Regime, our childhood home

We will rise up and look ahead
We will rise up and look ahead

We received one point from the Norwegian Broadcast Regime
One point from the Norwegian Broadcast Regime