Not long after we launched this site, one of my sometimes collaborators (Alexis) thought it would be a good idea if we set up a MySpace page to increase our visibility (y’know, like from 3 readers up to maybe 5 or 6) and to reduce the opportunities for people to pirate our awesomely ingenious site name for their own nefarious ends (y’know, like using it to sell dick enlargements or herpes treatments).

So she set up a NO CLEAN SINGING page on MySpace. As it turns out, that was a good idea. Now we’re selling our own dick enlargements and herpes treatments.

Just kidding. It really has been beneficial, for reasons I’ll explain. But we’ve also had some unwanted consequences. To be specific, we get e-mails and strange friend requests via MySpace that we could really do without. But it occurred to us recently (as a result of comments following our “Miscellany No. 2″ post) that we could have some fun with this shit (after the jump). Who knows, maybe you will have some fun with it too.

But first, a short list of things we like and don’t like about MySpazz:

LIKE

• By becoming MySpace “friends” with bands we’re interesting in following, we get bulletins and notices of blog posts from them. That helps us keep track of their news efficiently. Sometimes that helps us think of things to write about on this site.
• We can use MySpace to send bands e-mail messages. Sometimes, that’s the only way we can find to message bands when we have questions or requests, or to tell em about something we’ve written.
• Having our own MySpace site provides a way for bands to make us aware of their music by sending us “add” requests. We’ve discovered (and written about) lots of bands we might not have discovered except for those add requests.
• When people on MySpace add us as friends, they get alerts when we post new blog entries (though there are easier ways to get those alerts). Of course, readers can just make it a point to visit NCS every day, because we always put up something new here every day.
• MySpace gives us a way to listen to a band’s music to see if we like it, and to find band photos and artwork to use in our posts.

(after the jump, things we don’t like, plus a sample MySpace message we recently received, and our proposed response . . .)

It seems like every week we read about the reunion of one band or another that we had long thought dead, with plans for new recordings, new tours, new hairdo’s. Sometimes, it’s good news. Sometimes, it’s just kinda sad. Sometimes, it’s funny (and sad).

Usually, we refrain from commenting on such developments. But we’re behind on what we had planned for today’s post, so we’re making an exception. To be brutally honest (which is the only kind of honest we know how to be here at NCS), this is filler.

Think of it as a rain delay. Your ticket will still be good tomorrow. But, if you would like a refund because all you’re getting today is filler, please send us a self-addressed, stamped envelope, and we will gladly refund every dime you paid us for the right to access this site.

From a “news” item we saw this morning on Blabbermouth:

“Cadence”, the new studio album from the reunited melodic hard rock band BANGALORE CHOIR, will be released on September 24 via Metal Heaven Records.

It has been 18 years since BANGALORE CHOIR’s only release, “On Target”, on Giant Records in 1992, which came out on the same day as NIRVANA’s “Nevermind”. Shortly after, BANGALORE CHOIR disbanded after being released from the label.

Really, we’re not making this up (and there’s more juice like this to come).  So, to start, everyone out there who remembers Bangalore Choir, raise your hands!  (more after the jump, including a video and a palate cleanser, which you will need if you make it to the end of this filler . . .)

I don’t read the daily newspaper near as much as I used to.  At some point I realized that the daily news could make me feel good or it could make me feel bad, but there was almost nothing I could do about it. So without ever making a conscious decision, I subconsciously decided that I could better spend my time taking care of my family, enjoying my friends, and battering myself with massive amounts of metal.

So, basically, I became one of those jaded, self-absorbed people I used to detest.

But every now and then, without any rhyme or reason, I’ll check out the daily paper here in Seattle — which I did yesterday. And I found so many ass-ripping stories that if I were a religious person, I’d think the gods were sending me a signal — that it’s time for another installment of “That’s Metal!”, where we write about shit that provokes that exclamation, even though it’s not music. Not quite the magnitude of the burning bush, but still, enough to get me pounding the keyboard.

Most of today’s installment isn’t about “metal” things that inspire admiration. It’s mainly about people who engage in brain-dead activities that remind us of stage-divers who end their acrobatics with a face-plant into the concrete. You wince, but you still gotta throw some horns in honor of the sheer insanity, while also hoping that those people don’t turn out to be breeders.

And to top it off, our daily news involved stories about scrotum damage.  Admit it, there are few things better than scrotal humor, except possibly vaginal humor.  And as a bonanza, we found some vaginal humor, too.  (yeah, all the details are after the jump, of course . . . .)

Against my better judgment and most of my principles, two days ago I watched the video of the “Big Four” performing on stage together in Sofia, Bulgaria on June 22. In fairness to me, it’s not like I searched for it. I was just scrolling through the latest drivel on Blabbermouth, looking for the occasional item of interest that does occasionally lurk within the drivel, and there it was. All I had to do was click the “play” button.

Still, I paused.   A long time.   For one thing, although I still like Slayer (and “like” is about all the enthusiasm I can muster), Metallica, Megadeth, and Anthrax have no current relevance to me. The fact that they broke major ground once upon a time doesn’t mean it makes sense for me to listen to their music today, when there are so many other bands I’d rather hear. For another thing, I wasn’t a slobbering fan of most of those bands even when they were current.

And for a final thing, I’ve just grown sick to death of reading about this whole “Big Four” tour. For purposes of this NCS blog, I feel compelled to keep up with current events in metaldom, but to hunt for things that really do interest me, I’ve had to pass through a fecal waterfall of interviews, press releases, and blogger babble about this fucking tour. Enough already!

And for a final, final thing, I knew if I watched the damn video I’d have to see Dave Mustaine.

But I watched it anyway. And as jaded as I am about these bands and this tour, I did get a mild thrill out of seeing all four of them on stage playing together. Certainly not because of the music, because “Am I Evil?” is a forgettable song, and no one in this performance went out of their way to turn it into something better.

That was two days ago. And then yesterday came, and I saw a transcription of an interview Dave Mustaine gave on July 1 in Vienna, and I was vividly reminded all over again why that guy makes me wanna projectile vomit and why I should have passed right over that video without pressing play.    (unfortunately, there’s more after the jump . . .)

Yesterday, for reasons unknown to me, our beloved bloggers at MetalSucks decided to have a “Be Nice Day” at their site and swore off their usual “dickishness” (their word, not ours). As part of that resolution, they suggested in one post (here) that readers take their favorite metal band names and spruce them up by removing references to death and negativity and turning them into names that would mesh with a Positive Mental Attitude.

I spent way too much time playing that game and making a few contributions. So did hundreds of other MS readers. My reactions to the best ones I saw ranged from subdued chuckles to coffee-through-the-nose eruptions of laughter.

For those of you who don’t read MetalSucks, or for those who do but don’t take time to wade through the comment section, I’ve collected here what I thought were the best band-name metamorphoses. Chuckle or erupt or yawn, as you see fit.

Nicemystium

Type O Positive

Cattle Appreciation

Goatherd

Bunnies in the Throne Room

Help the Client

3 Inches of Love

(lots more after the jump . . .)

I don’t really have time right now to embellish this story with my own snarky comments, but it really doesn’t need much embellishment — it’s fucking hysterical all by itself.

In a nutshell, over-the-hill fruitcake Ozzy Osbourne is paying a research lab to map his genome. The lab he’s using specializes in identifying and interpreting the genetic code of particular individuals in order to find links to disease. Usually, fat cats pay them to do this because they’ve got concerns over their health.  But in Ozzy’s case, after decades of substance abuse, he’s trying to find out why he’s still alive, not what could kill him.

It’s kind of like donating your body to science, except while you’re still alive. And in Ozzy’s case, what kind of scientific advancement can we expect from the mapping of his genetic code? How to drink a fifth of vodka every day without turning your liver into Swiss cheese? Who knows? I guess we’ll find out.

Now, without further ado, here’s the gut-busting piece that reporter Georgina Gustin wrote for the St. Louis Post-Dispatch (which we saw in today’s Seattle Times at this location). Your own snarky comments will be welcome.

ST. LOUIS — He is famous for many things. For his eerie scream. For his “Satan worship.” For biting the head off a dove. And a bat.

But Ozzy Osbourne mostly has become famous for indulging in decades of near-legendary substance abuse — the kind that would vanquish most — and surviving.

Scientists now may find out why.  (more hilarity after the jump . . .)

Well, fuck, we knew we’d feel guilty about having some fun at the expense of Ukrainian metal band Semargl in our post a few days ago about their latest video, and sure enough: The band was nice enough to leave a comment on our MySpace page complimenting our post.

Gotta hand it to ‘em for having a sense of humor about themselves (and about us). And the truth is, we’ve had that song “Credo Revolution” stuck in our heads for days — so much so that we started listening to samples from three other tracks off the band’s new album that are streaming on their MySpace page.

It’s a mix of divergent styles — some death metal, some groove-oriented power metal, some hard rock (as on “Credo Flaming Rain” — with guest vocals supplied by Nera (Darzamat), who’s pictured above with the band). This is definitely not the kind of thing we usually listen to here at NCS — but confession is good for the soul, and we confess that we’ve now ordered Ordo Bellictum Satanas.

Not sayin’ you should, just sayin’ we did.  We’ll probably feel guilty about that too.

We don’t spend much time on this site poking fun at metal bands. It’s not that we’re morally opposed to the practice. In fact, we have fun reading other sites that do exactly that on a daily basis. It’s just not our style.

But once in a blue moon, we just can’t resist. Like today. We’ll probably feel guilty about it later.

So, the band that caught our baleful eye today is a Ukrainian outfit called Semargl. Try saying that out loud. Even the name is kinda funny, though it’s probably drawn from some ancient demonology text, or at least H.P. Lovecraft.  [Update: Based on a little more research (see the comment at the end of this post), Semargl appears to have been a Slavic pagan deity, depicted as a winged lion or winged dog.]

In addition to the demonic (but funny-sounding) name, the band has got the corpse-painted aspect of a grymm black metal outfit, plus Latinate album titles like Ordo Bellictum Satanas that inspire thoughts of satanic recipe books for the cooking of your fellow man in the fiery depths of Hades.

And to carry the theme further, the band’s web site includes a creed called Satanosophy that proclaims principles such as “Our message is: God should be destroyed” and “Our superiority is Satanic Infernal fire” (in addition to photos of a naked chick who looks like she’s meditating about Satanosophy).

So, with that lead-in, you probably think you’ve got a pretty good idea about Semargl’s music — but you’d probably be wrong. What we’ve got here, at least on the strength of the band’s new video for a song called “Credo Revolution”, is pop music with black-metal trappings, corpse-paint with plenty of tits and ass, tremolo picking and electro dance beats (courtesy of Jonny Maudling from Bal-Sagoth).

We’re still trying to wrap our minds around that concept — but it seems to be working out quite nicely for Semargl.  And we can guarantee that even if you’re having an unbelievably sucky day, this video (and the song) will put a smile on your face — or your money back! (more after the jump, including that video . . .)

The May/June issue of Revolver magazine arrived in our mailbox over the weekend. What we enjoyed the most was not the cover story about the 2010 “Revolver Golden Gods” awards show (which was largely irrelevant to what we care about in the current extreme metal scene). What we enjoyed the most was Revolver’s verbatim report of a conversation that took place at a dive bar in New York City between Adam Dutkiewicz and Mike D’Antonio of Killswitch Engage and frontman Mikael Stanne of Sweden’s Dark Tranquillity.

As you may know, KSE and DT toured together earlier this year. When Dutkiewicz and D’Antonio formed KSE back in 1999, one thing that united them was their love of Swedish melodic death metal, and Dark Tranquillity in particular. As they got to know Stanne better while touring, they discovered they had more in common than elements of their music. Like a mutual attraction to the Travel Channel (?) and (wait for it) . . . eating competitions.

And green shit.

So after this threesome did some Jack Daniels shots at that dive bar, the conversation eventually turned to the subject of eating competitions, and Revolver was there to record what they said. We thought it was pretty fucking funny.

Granted, our standards of humor here at NCS are pretty low. For example, as you’ll see, we laugh at anything that involves shit. Still, we thought you might find the conversation funny, too. After all, if you’re reading this site, your standards are also pretty low, by definition. So, after the jump, we’ll give you the best excerpts of that Dutkiewicz-D’Antonio-Stanne dialogue from Revolver.

For those of you out there who don’t read Metal Sucks, or just haven’t gone by that site in the last few days, you may not have seen the following video. Usually, this isn’t the kind of thing we put up here at NCS, but this is just so fucking funny we can’t resist the need to share.

It’s a video ad for a company called Cold Steel that makes swords, and the subject of the ad is the biggest sword they make, called “The Two-Handed Great Sword.” Yep, you read that correctly. It’s an ad for a big fucking sword. And the ad consists of a bunch of mainly pot-bellied dudes hacking the shit out of all sorts of things — pig’s heads and carcasses, a cow head, blocks of ice and concrete, a pair of cowboy boots with meat inside to stiffen em up (?!?), bamboo, you name it. And all the action is set to some generic hard rock and metal instrumentals.

But what really makes this such a laff-til-you-pee experience are the occasional enthusiastic sales pitches by the dorkiest-looking meat-bag in the video. You can tell he’s the head honcho because he wears a tie while whacking away at all those objects that are just crying out to be severed.  Now, you might have a hard time figuring out the point of spending money on a big fucking sword, but that’s just because you haven’t heard all the excellent reasons this dude will give you. You’ll never think about home protection products the same way again. And who needs to buy meat at a grocery store? Just buy your own sides of beef and butcher ‘em yourself!

You can purchase a Two-Handed Great Sword here for $549.99, plus tax and shipping. Or not.