I guess you’ve figured out by now that we didn’t black out the NCS site today.  Frankly, I got confused.  I thought on-line sites were organizing a protest against sopapilla.  I’ve long been a supporter of sopapillas.

I used to eat them all the time in Tex-Mex restaurants when I lived in Texas.  They’re popular in other border states, as well as in many countries in Central and South America.  If you’ve never eaten one, you’re really missing out.  They’re kind of a fried pastry, sometimes powdered with sugar and/or cinnamon and served with honey.  They’re light, they’re crispy, they’re kind of chewy.  They’re just damned good eating.

So why, I wondered, were people up in arms over sopapillas?  Y’know, they may not be the healthiest food in the world, but shutting down places like Wikipedia and Reddit in protest seemed like an overreaction to me.  I mean, buffalo wings and pizza are crappy kinds of food and you don’t see anyone organizing internet blackouts over them.

Then I figured out that people weren’t protesting sopapillas. They were protesting SOPA and PIPA!  Turns out these are acronyms for bills that are pending in the U.S. Congress — the “Stop Online Piracy Act” in the House and the “Protect IP Act” in the Senate. They seem to be targeted at non-U.S. web sites that pirate intellectual property owned by U.S. businesses, but there are (or were) provisions in the bills that would require U.S.-based sites to make sure they aren’t linking to foreign sites that engage in piracy.

Lots of people seem to think these bills would set up censorship regimes that would hurt freedom of speech on the web. If that’s true, then they are BAD THINGS!  I don’t want anyone telling me I can’t say fuck whenever I want to. Or maybe people just don’t want Big Brother to stop them from downloading music and movies without paying for them. I’m not really sure.

According to this report, the sponsors of the legislation have now agreed to delete provisions that would require internet service providers to block access to foreign web sites accused of piracy, and this report from earlier today says that key Republican Senators have now withdrawn their support for the Senate version of the legislation in its current form. Also, this statement released by the Obama Administration over the weekend also appears to withdraw support for the pending bills.

But, of course, if you trust that parcel of rogues in Washington to do the right thing without people looking closely over their shoulder every minute of every day, I’m afraid you’ll be in for a disappointment. Seems like the best course is to continue putting pressure on elected officials to steer way clear of online censorship or fucking with the architecture of the internet. Here at NCS, we think those would be BAD THINGS!

On the other hand, we doubt that anyone really gives a fuck what NCS thinks about political issues. So, here’s a good recipe for . . .

SOPAPILLAS!

Ingredients:
1 package active dry yeast
1 1/2 cups warm water
1 tablespoon of butter, melted
1 tablespoon of sugar
4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
vegetable oil
sugar
cinnamon
honey

Method:
Mix the yeast with the warm water and let it sit for five minutes.
Combine the flour and salt.
Add the butter and sugar to the yeast/water mixture and then slowly add to the flour and salt.
Knead for two minutes, until dough is smooth and elastic.
Rise in a covered, greased bowl for one hour or until dough is doubled in size.
After dough has risen, punch it down, and on a floured surface, roll it out into a 1/4-inch thick rectangle.
Using a knife or pizza cutter, cut out 3 inch squares, and then cut squares on the diagonal into triangles.
Heat up three inches of oil in a big pot to 375 degrees.
Fry two triangles of dough at a time in the oil for one minute on each side. The dough should puff when it hits the oil.
Drain, and then sprinkle with cinnamon and sugar.
Serve hot with honey.
Makes about 18 sopapillas.

I was afraid it would come to this eventually.

Metal bands try all sorts of come-on’s in an effort to increase their Facebook “likes”. They ask politely. They plead and beg pathetically. They get their friends in other bands to solicit “likes” on their behalf. They dangle the carrot of a new song, or album art, or a track list, if their total “likes” reach a certain magic number.

These kind of inducements are too fuckin’ lame (or too tame) for Greek math-metal band Tardive Dyskinesia, who we’ve written about a lot at NCS. A few months back, they posted this status on their FB wall: “The next 38 guys who like us on facebook will win a lollipop licked from all the band members! What are you waiting for…!!” I’d already liked their page or I definitely would have gone for that. Just what I’ve always wanted.

But that was just a warm-up for a status they posted last week. I think you can guess what they offered. As “like” solicitations go, “we suck cocks for a like” was short, to-the-point, and very friendly. It was also the logical next level in “like” solicitations.

I’ve had fun watching the NCS “like” total increasing on our Facebook page. We crossed 1,000 “likes” last week, and that was definitely a good time, but it will probably take a while to reach 2,000 or even 1,500, because there’s a limited number of geniuses in the world. I’d like to get there faster. Taking inspiration from Tardive Dyskinesia, I’m now thinking about NCS offering blowjobs for “likes”.

But I don’t know. Would that seem too desperate? And do you really want to be liked by the kind of people who will like you just because you give them a blowjob? Is that really the basis for a lasting relationship? Or will those kind of people be fickle and just go like someone else the next time they get another cock-sucking offer?

It might be worthwhile making it a limited-time NCS offer, just as an experiment to see how many new “likes” we get. I just have to figure out which one among Andy Synn, BadWolf, and TheMadIsraeli will be best suited as the head of NCS offer fulfillment (or should that be the “NCS head offer fulfillment”?).

Or maybe I can persuade one of the ex-TNOTB people who’ve started writing for us. They have time on their hands now. I have my hands full running the NCS Department of Coarse Humor, so of course my participation is out of the question.

Hey, if you have any other ideas for a short, catchy FB “like” solicitation that doesn’t require sucking cock, leave ‘em in the Comments, just in case our staff members don’t think this is such a hot idea. Also, we need something that would appeal to female headbangers. Offering to suck their cocks could be construed as an empty promise.

In the meantime, we might as well listen to some Tardive Dyskinesia. For a good time, go like their FB page. (They’re recording a new album right now, which is on my “highly anticipated” list for 2012.)

This is Part 13 of our list of the most infectious extreme metal songs released this year. Each day until the list is finished, I’m posting two songs that made the cut. For more details about what this list is all about and how it was compiled, read the Introduction via this link. To see the selections that preceded this one, click the Category link on the right side of the page called MOST INFECTIOUS SONGS-2011.

MORBID ANGEL

Successful, immensely influential artists of long standing often find their creative freedom restricted by the shackles of their own success. What has worked in the past will likely work again, and that’s an insidious inducement to just repeat the pattern again and again. That’s the carrot, but there’s also a stick: Striking out onto a new path risks alienation of a dedicated fan base. Loyal adherents of an artist’s well-defined style may be too close-minded, too wedded to the past, to be receptive to experimentation.

Fortunately, not all successful artists fall prey to these carrot-and-stick inducements to stand pat. Some are brave enough and creative enough to throw off the shackles of their own success and strike out in brilliant new directions, to boldly go where others are too timid to tread. So it was with Morbid Angel’s 2011 album, Illud Divinum Insanus, which translates to “fuck you, we doin’ this thang anyway.”

This legendary band’s creative juices were flowing, and they wouldn’t be dammed up. They spilled out in a flood of musical creativity the likes of which were rarely seen in 2011. The result was an album packed full of infectious metal — brilliant combinations of traditional Morbid Angel motifs, four-on-the-floor drum loops, and aggro-tech electronica.

Picking just one song from this landmark expression of musical courage for the MOST INFECTIOUS list was a remarkably daunting challenge, but I took heart from what Morbid Angel had themselves done — I rose to the challenge, obstacles be damned.

“Too Extreme!”

WOLD

The 2011 Profound Lore release from this Saskatchewan band — Freermasonry — is one we didn’t review here at NCS. But we listened to it, and listened, and listened again. And again. And we swooned over its hypnotic rhythms and lush melodies. We marveled over the use of harsh, jagged waves of noise to express profound concepts, such as these, expressed by Fortress Crookedjaw himself:

“Lyrically Freermasonry consist of a series of poems and discourses. Early on in Freermasonry, the Mother allusion from SOL is referenced out of Faust Part Two. It is a very short moment. Faust does an invocation to the Mothers, but the execution is as trickery through occult charlatanism and not truly believed ritual. Goethe found passages about dark goddess figures known as Mothers in the writings of Plutarch. The metaphor is ambiguous, generally associated with creative dark force and will, but reared in a potent lie. I use it in correlation with screech owl and as atheistic reactionary sentiment. It could also signify an unattainable aesthetic ideal. It is not a nurturing maternal reference but, yes, it is a bit of a confusing reference, which is a good thing. Of course there are many other aspects to Freermasonry”.

Infectious songs can be constructed in more than one way, and the envelope can be pushed in more than one direction. Wold are envelope-pushers, no doubt. They’re just pushing theirs in a different direction from the one chosen by Morbid Angel. The music is intense, but catchy, and you come to realize that the hidden philosophy behind the concepts expressed in the album with such sophistication is this unifying message: “Hey, we got the beat!”

Again, another tough choice from among many worthy candidates on an album, but our latest addition to the MOST INFECTIOUS list is this track from Freermasonry:

“Free Goat of Leviticus”

Phro has started drinking.  I can’t tell whether he’s already passed his limit or whether he needs to drink a shitload more.  He sent me these two videos.

You remember Babymetal, don’t you?  How could you forget.  I’ve been trying, but my psychotherapist says I need to work harder at it.  The new video is the same goddamn “Doki Doki Morning” song, but this time the Babymetal teeny boppers are dancing and throwing the goat.

The other video is from the same chick who did that PonPonPon video.  I’m ashamed I even know that. This is all Phro’s fault.

It’s not even 6 a.m. here in Seattle.  I now need to get fucked up fast, but 6 a.m. seems just a tad on the early side.  I’m screwed.

Believe me, there WILL be a palette cleanser soon . . .

JAck Dagnellz!  Unformed chicken fetuses!  Bacon!  Candied bacon!  Bacon bits!  Jack ‘n’ yoke!  White Russian cereal!

(Wait, isn’t that redundant?  Aren’t all Russians white?)

Pancake batter!  More pancake batter!  Donut ‘o egg!  More fucken JAck, haters!

While I finish waking up and then working on the next epic post, watch these fuckin guys get toasted and make big mounds of disgusting food.  I’m talking to the 2 or 3 of you who don’t already subscribe to the Epic Meal Time YousTubes channel.  After the yump.

And don’t give me that shit like you got something better to do than watch this.  I’m not buying it.  Unless you’re still listening to all that music in Andy’s post.  But even then, you can take a break, make yourself sick to your stomach, and then go back and finish off all the tunes.  Be sure to stick your finger down your throat first, so the nausea doesn’t interfere with the listening.  That’s what I do.  Pancake batter!

(Thanks to TheMadIsraeli for this . . . since I don’t subscribe to the fucking Epic Meal Time channel.)

UPDATE: Thanks to NCS reader Vinter, we feel compelled to add a companion video. It’s only regular, non-epic, Swedish meal time, but yes, it’s fucking brutal. I especially like the way the Swedes melt butter. And who doesn’t enjoy a big fucking gob of mayo in your yob when you’re cookin’?

I’m trying. This is the best I can do.

A new holiday-themed look and feel for the site: looks like shit, feels like slime.

Should I make it permanent?

Nice metal krampus after the jump.

Like gutted fish left waiting on a sunny river bank before a fry-up, we’re still basking in the glow of premiering a song from Global Flatline, the forthcoming album by those multinational gore-spatterers in Aborted. As is true of all Aborted albums, the track list for this one just gets your mouth watering:

01. Omega Mortis
02. Global Flatline
03. Источник Болезни (The Origin Of Disease)
04. Coronary Reconstruction
05. Fecal Forgery
06. Of Scabs And Boils
07. Vermicular, Obscene, Obese
08. Expurgation Euphoria
09. From A Tepid Whiff
10. The Kallinger Theory
11. Our Father, Who Art Of Feces
12. Grime
13. Endstille
Bonus track: “Nailed Through Her Cunt”

However, as delectable as this track list is, it could be improved. For example, that song we premiered — “The Origin of Disease”: Don’t you think it would have sounded better if it had been called “The Origin of My Penis”? I think so, even though I didn’t come up with that name (and he who did shall remain anonymous for now).

In an effort to enhance the appeal of the track list, we turned to Phro, our resident expert on branding (and I’m not talkin’ about coming up with names and slogans). Phro’s proposed revisions to Aborted’s album title and track list appear after the jump.

Granted, it’s tough to improve on many of Aborted’s song titles, but Phro has risen to the challenge. He may have risen in other ways, too, after hearing that song premiere. Here’s what he came up with:

Album title: Global Hardon

Track List:

01. Mega Penile Rigor Mortis
02. Global Hardon
03. Источник Болезни (The Origin Of My Penis)**
04. Torn-anus Reconstruction
05. Fecal Fuckery
06. Of Scabby Vajayjays
07. Vermicular!  Obscene! Octopus! Orgies!
08. Expurgation Engorgement
09. From A Tepid Faff
10. The Cuttlefish Fuckery
11. Our Father, Who Ate My Feces
12. Grimey Vagina Slime
13. Bumfucking Julia Stiles
Bonus Track: “Pails of Her Cum”

** Not conceived by Phro

So what do you think?  It’s better, isn’t it?  More penis and more tentacles and more disgusting — all pluses.

Aborted’s album isn’t out yet, so surely there’s still time to make these changes. So let’s get the letter-writing campaign under way!

FINALLY! After those dozens of e-mails I’ve received from Africans offering me ridiculous sums of money, fully loaded bags of gold dust, pre-funded ATM cards, and other forms of wealth in return for my personal details, I’m now starting to get e-mails from new friends offering other benefits. It’s about fucking time, because not one of those other motherfuckers has yet sent me a dime, despite the fact that I’ve replied to them quickly and sincerely and given them all the personal info they requested.

Here’s an intriguing message I got over the weekend from a helpful guy named Fritz Fish. I thought it would be good because of the alliterative name. When I replied to his message, I decided to just interlineate my responses in his message and send it back.

From: Fritz Fish
Subject: Overcome rod’s softness
Date: December 18, 2011 1:46:18 AM PST
To: Islander <islander@nocleansinging.com>

- There is no reason to feel depressed if you, like so many other men today, have hit the rough spot of your sexual life when you cannot seem to be performing as well as you used to do. Your agitation and frustration are easily understood, and still you should know that with the modern development of worldwide pharmacological industries it is but natural that there is bound to be a solution for your own needs when it comes down to solving your erectile dysfunction problems.

Dude, thanks so much for your interest in NO CLEAN SINGING and in the state of my mental and penile health. You’re like some kind of fucken mind-reader!  How did you know I’d hit a rough spot in my sexual life? I’ve been so agitated and frustrated lately that I can hardly hit the bowl when I take a piss. I’m like painting the goddamned floor and walls all around the shitter with my piss. But I tell you what,  I’m already getting rigid just knowing about the modern development of worldwide pharmacological industries and their solutions for my own needs.

- We suggest you getting erectile dysfunction drugs from our online drugstore cheaply, easily and without much to-do. You will always be taken care of and attended to with extreme care, and you will have the possibility of choosing from a wide range of erectile dysfunction products to find a solution that will best suit your particular needs.

My particular needs? Yeah, I got some particular needs. I wanna see the ol’ Battle Flag proudly waving in the wind again! I wanna unsheath the Mighty Broadsword and lay waste to friend and foe alike! I wanna sharpen the War Pike and start cleaving!  I wanna hammer like a fuckin fully charged nailgunner and plunge deep like a sounding orca! You feelin’ me here? Gimme some a that extreme care bro!

- The whole world puts great trust in those famous diamond shaped pills, and if you are not an exception we would like to revise some basic points that speak in favor of putting your male health in the hands of those magical tablets.

Uh, whut?  I thought we wuz talkin about the worldwide pharmaceutical industry, and now you’re goin’ on about magical tablets. You think I was born yesterday? Is this like your version of Jack and The Beanstalk? I don’t want no fuckin magic beans. I want some science to raise my stalk!  And I don’t want any giants for a happy ending either.

- Firstly, there is no need for regular therapy. – Those blue pills have to be taken directly before the planned sexual contact, and extra convenience shines through when you come to realize that the pills will not start working unless sufficient sexual stimulation is provided.

Well, firstly, your message is going downhill fast. A minute ago it was magic beans, and now you’re tellin’ me I need sexual stimulation or the shit won’t work?!?  What’s convenient about that? I mean, where the fuck am I supposed to find sexual stimulation?  It’s not like I haven’t tried, but I use some of my choicest lines at the bars and the fucken chicks look at me like I got a dick growing outta my forehead, or a turd oozing out my nose.

- Secondly, this erectile dysfunction solution is known for its extremely low adverse side effects profile, which makes it available for all age groups of patients. Besides, it really does not matter how old you are when it goes about taking erectile dysfunction pills. – Just make sure that you do not overdose, and they will work for you at their best!

Whut the fuk is a “low adverse side effect profile”? Does that mean I’ll only have diarrhea on days that begin with a T? Jeezus, dude, I don’t want ANY side effects!  None.  Zero.  Nada.

And what’s this shit about making sure I don’t overdose?  OVERDOSE?!?  I mean what’s that about?  How do you define an “overdose”?  Is my goddamn hooter gonna explode, or turn green and fall off?  Fuck, next thing you’ll be telling me that if I stay rigid for more than four hours I’m s’posed to call a fuckin doctor, and how am I s’posed to pay for that shit with no medical insurance?  Fritz, duder, you need to re-think your sales pitch.

- Finally, those fabulous pills do not only provide you with stable erection that can be maintained for as long as you need it – they also help you to achieve unheard sensitivity during the sexual act as well as make your genitals look much more sizey!

Where are you from man?  In what country do they say “much more sizey” when talking about man-meat? I’m starting to have second thoughts about your product. And I’ll pass on the “unheard sensitivity”. I wanna hear the honeys scream like that Big O is gonna take the top a their heads clean off, y’now whut I mean? Really fuckin’ LOUD shit!

- Think of all those benefits of taking erectile dysfunction pills and the effect you can produce on your loved one – and do not hesitate to make your order and / or refills right away!

I’m trying to keep my mind on all the benefits, but I keep thinking about the magic beans and the diarrhea and the OVERDOSE. So, I’m hesitating. I’ve become hesitant. Which has been the whole problem all along, so you’re not really helping me here.

- When passion loses its heat, this fuel will rekindle it! What’s best for millions of men all over the world, will be the best for your couple also! Don’t try suspicious and dangerous solutions, try these branded caplets on affordable prices on-line!

Wait.  ”The best for your couple”?  I don’t have a couple.  I don’t even have one.  If you know a couple who would like to test drive my new weaponry with me, could you send me their contact info?  I’d like ‘em both female, and preferably human, though I’m not as choosy as I used to be. So let’s quit fuckin around Fritz — hook me up with the fuel so I can start fuckin around.  You know the fuel I want — the kind with no side effects, no magic, and NO OVERDOSE.

Classical music plus metal?  The music of the fuckin 21st Century!!  The most brilliant, vicious music ever heard!!!  Beethoven’s fuckin Fifth Symphony, speed version!

Do not listen to this album after listening to Metallica! You will not get it. You just will not understand it. The progression from the last album to this album? From total genius to impossibly amazing, powerful genius!!!!

You assholes are thinkin because I’m sitting here screaming in the middle of the rain in New York that I’m some kind of nutcase!  No, I just happen to be the only Fuckin Unrepressed Person in all of New York!

Why am I walking backwards? That’s your job!

And guess what? The Japanese are taking over the fuckin world!!!  You fuckin peons.

The Great Kat is like the female version of Gilbert Gottfried, except she looks tastier and she can shred.

The Great Kat is Katherine Thomas. She was actually born in England, though you’ll be shocked — shocked I tell you — to learn that she was raised in New York. She actually did graduate from the Juilliard School, she actually is a classically trained violinist, Guitar One magazine actually did list her as one of the Top 10 Fastest Shredders of All Time, and she actually is nuts.

I’ve seen blurbs about The Great Kat on other metal blogs before, but never stopped to pay attention. This time I decided to humor TheMadIsraeli, so credit (or blame) goes to him.

Visit The Great Kat’s retro web site here.  If you want.  That wasn’t intended as a command. You fuckin peons.

You know, if I don’t spread the word about this, who will?

A new writer at The Number of the Blog who goes by “Rev. Will” over there (and has masqueraded under a different name at NCS) is running a new series called “Keyboard Warriors”, in which he interviews other metal bloggers. He started off strong, featuring interviews of Adrien Begrand (Decibel, Terrorizer, Dominion) and Vince Neilstein (MetalSucks). And then he went right off the rails by electing to interview . . . me.

If you have nothing better to do, go check out the interview at TNOTB (here) and leave comments appropriate to the subject matter.