It’s nearly 11 p.m. on New Year’s Eve in Japan.
Phro has started drinking. I can’t tell whether he’s already passed his limit or whether he needs to drink a shitload more. He sent me these two videos.
You remember Babymetal, don’t you? How could you forget. I’ve been trying, but my psychotherapist says I need to work harder at it. The new video is the same goddamn “Doki Doki Morning” song, but this time the Babymetal teeny boppers are dancing and throwing the goat.
The other video is from the same chick who did that PonPonPon video. I’m ashamed I even know that. This is all Phro’s fault.
It’s not even 6 a.m. here in Seattle. I now need to get fucked up fast, but 6 a.m. seems just a tad on the early side. I’m screwed.
Believe me, there WILL be a palette cleanser soon . . .
JAck Dagnellz! Unformed chicken fetuses! Bacon! Candied bacon! Bacon bits! Jack ‘n’ yoke! White Russian cereal!
(Wait, isn’t that redundant? Aren’t all Russians white?)
Pancake batter! More pancake batter! Donut ‘o egg! More fucken JAck, haters!
While I finish waking up and then working on the next epic post, watch these fuckin guys get toasted and make big mounds of disgusting food. I’m talking to the 2 or 3 of you who don’t already subscribe to the Epic Meal Time YousTubes channel. After the yump.
And don’t give me that shit like you got something better to do than watch this. I’m not buying it. Unless you’re still listening to all that music in Andy’s post. But even then, you can take a break, make yourself sick to your stomach, and then go back and finish off all the tunes. Be sure to stick your finger down your throat first, so the nausea doesn’t interfere with the listening. That’s what I do. Pancake batter!
I’m trying. This is the best I can do.
A new holiday-themed look and feel for the site: looks like shit, feels like slime.
Should I make it permanent?
Nice metal krampus after the jump.
Like gutted fish left waiting on a sunny river bank before a fry-up, we’re still basking in the glow of premiering a song from Global Flatline, the forthcoming album by those multinational gore-spatterers in Aborted. As is true of all Aborted albums, the track list for this one just gets your mouth watering:
01. Omega Mortis
02. Global Flatline
03. Источник Болезни (The Origin Of Disease)
04. Coronary Reconstruction
05. Fecal Forgery
06. Of Scabs And Boils
07. Vermicular, Obscene, Obese
08. Expurgation Euphoria
09. From A Tepid Whiff
10. The Kallinger Theory
11. Our Father, Who Art Of Feces
12. Grime
13. Endstille
Bonus track: “Nailed Through Her Cunt”
However, as delectable as this track list is, it could be improved. For example, that song we premiered — “The Origin of Disease”: Don’t you think it would have sounded better if it had been called “The Origin of My Penis”? I think so, even though I didn’t come up with that name (and he who did shall remain anonymous for now).
In an effort to enhance the appeal of the track list, we turned to Phro, our resident expert on branding (and I’m not talkin’ about coming up with names and slogans). Phro’s proposed revisions to Aborted’s album title and track list appear after the jump.
FINALLY! After those dozens of e-mails I’ve received from Africans offering me ridiculous sums of money, fully loaded bags of gold dust, pre-funded ATM cards, and other forms of wealth in return for my personal details, I’m now starting to get e-mails from new friends offering other benefits. It’s about fucking time, because not one of those other motherfuckers has yet sent me a dime, despite the fact that I’ve replied to them quickly and sincerely and given them all the personal info they requested.
Here’s an intriguing message I got over the weekend from a helpful guy named Fritz Fish. I thought it would be good because of the alliterative name. When I replied to his message, I decided to just interlineate my responses in his message and send it back.
From: Fritz Fish
Subject: Overcome rod’s softness
Date: December 18, 2011 1:46:18 AM PST
To: Islander <islander@nocleansinging.com>
- There is no reason to feel depressed if you, like so many other men today, have hit the rough spot of your sexual life when you cannot seem to be performing as well as you used to do. Your agitation and frustration are easily understood, and still you should know that with the modern development of worldwide pharmacological industries it is but natural that there is bound to be a solution for your own needs when it comes down to solving your erectile dysfunction problems.
Dude, thanks so much for your interest in NO CLEAN SINGING and in the state of my mental and penile health. You’re like some kind of fucken mind-reader! How did you know I’d hit a rough spot in my sexual life? I’ve been so agitated and frustrated lately that I can hardly hit the bowl when I take a piss. I’m like painting the goddamned floor and walls all around the shitter with my piss. But I tell you what, I’m already getting rigid just knowing about the modern development of worldwide pharmacological industries and their solutions for my own needs.
Classical music plus metal? The music of the fuckin 21st Century!! The most brilliant, vicious music ever heard!!! Beethoven’s fuckin Fifth Symphony, speed version!
Do not listen to this album after listening to Metallica! You will not get it. You just will not understand it. The progression from the last album to this album? From total genius to impossibly amazing, powerful genius!!!!
You assholes are thinkin because I’m sitting here screaming in the middle of the rain in New York that I’m some kind of nutcase! No, I just happen to be the only Fuckin Unrepressed Person in all of New York!
Why am I walking backwards? That’s your job!
And guess what? The Japanese are taking over the fuckin world!!! You fuckin peons.
You know, if I don’t spread the word about this, who will?
A new writer at The Number of the Blog who goes by “Rev. Will” over there (and has masqueraded under a different name at NCS) is running a new series called “Keyboard Warriors”, in which he interviews other metal bloggers. He started off strong, featuring interviews of Adrien Begrand (Decibel, Terrorizer, Dominion) and Vince Neilstein (MetalSucks). And then he went right off the rails by electing to interview . . . me.
If you have nothing better to do, go check out the interview at TNOTB (here) and leave comments appropriate to the subject matter.
Baby metal: Is it a thing?
A couple days ago, I inflicted on your tender senses a music video from a Japanese JPop/idol/metal band called Babymetal. I’ve since learned that the song is called “Doki Doki Morning”, and that this band is an off-shoot of another Japanese idol band called Sakura Gakuin. The song appears on Sakura Gakuin’s 2010 album debut.
And now we have an official video report from our Japan-based correspondent Phro, providing his honest, thoughtful, critical reaction to Babymetal.
Also, is that a fucking great shirt Phro is wearing, or what? Video after the jump.
Video Day here at NCS continues . . .
So far, in order, we’ve featured Metachaos, Vaulting, and Vallenfyre, and that trajectory leads naturally to . . . Baby Metal? Or is it Babymetal?
Seriously, the only reason I’m doing this is to see what kind of commentary it provokes from Phro when he emerges from his lair over in The Land of the Rising Sun. Because my reaction upon seeing this at MetalSucks was pretty much captured by Axl’s comments: “OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS DID SOMEONE PUT ACID IN MY COFFEE THIS MORNING BEC I CAN’T EVEN – WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT”
My brain is too scrambled to even come up with a sufficiently effective palate-cleanser. So instead, I’ll just show you this (after the jump) . . .
It’s been a while since the last time I answered one of those bankers/orphans/lawyers in Africa who regularly write me, trying to give me money. I kinda gave up on them, because none of the fuckers has yet sent me any kind of payoff, even after I’ve given them all my personal details. But I could use a little extra cheddah to tide me over ’til the next payday, and $25 million would just about do it. So, I decided to answer this e-mail I got yesterday. First, that e-mail, then my reply:
FROM MR NYEJIOWANAKA GOGO
BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER.
BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)
OUAGADOUGOU , BURKINA FASO .
Dear Friend,
CONFIDENTIAL
I am Nyejiowanaka Gogo; I am the manager of bill and exchange at the foreign remittance Department of BANK OF AFRICA (B.O.A) here in Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso. I would like you to indicate your interest to receive the transfer of US$25M (Twenty five million US Dollars only). I will like you to stand as a next of kin to my late customer, (Mr. andreas schranner from munich ,germany) who died along with His entire family in July 2000 in a plane crash, whose account is presently dormant, for claims.
