When we first heard about The 70,000 TONS OF METAL cruise way back in February, all we could think about was what could go comically wrong. Really, just think about the concept: 40 metal bands and 2,000 metalheads sailing around the Caribbean with non-stop performances, bars that stay open all night, and a stop at the Mexican island of Cozumel, where the tequila flows like water.

So of course, assholes that we are, we immediately started making fun of the idea — imagining in detail all the ass-ripping things that could go wrong. That was the subject of our first post about the cruise (here). That was in February, when only six bands had signed up to play for this floating festival.

We wrote an update post about this thing in late May, still sorta making fun, but also starting to imagine the things about this idea that could — we emphasize could — turn out to be awesome.  By that point, 18 bands had signed on to play.

Well, this morning we got a press release from the organizers announcing the latest edition to the line-up — the 22nd band, to be precise. And the new addition is none other than Sweden’s Marduk. Now, we’re really going to have to start thinking about taking this cruise seriously. Marduk is the first black-metal addition to the line-up. We figured there was no way the organizers could convince a top-flight, no-bullshit, black-metal band to jump on this thing.

A grymm cruise? Fans in corpsepaint and spikes mingling with beardos mingling with thrashers mingling with fans quaffing their brew out of drinking horns, and so on. Boggles the mind. For the current line-up of 22 bands, continue after the jump. Now we’re really getting interested in seeing who the next 18 bands will be.

For info about how to book passage on this hellish cruise, go to this location. Here’s the current line-up of bands:

Agent Steel
Amon Amarth
Death Angel
Ensiferum
Epica
Exodus
Fear Factory
Finntroll
Forbidden
Iced Earth
Marduk
Moonspell
Obituary
Raven
Saxon
Sodom
Sonata Arctica
Swashbuckle
Testament
Trouble
Uli Jon Roth
Witchburner

More than a month has passed since we posted our last update about the 70,000 Tons of Metal Cruise, and we figured it was time to check in again.

Since our last update, Exodus, Forbidden, and Testament have signed on. That’s a heavyweight injection of Bay Area thrash into this floating festival (we’ll give you the complete current line-up of 18 bands after the jump). Plus, in related news, the Swedes have gotten in on the act by putting together their own metal cruise (more on that after the jump too).

If you don’t know what this cruise is, we’ll fill you in: The organizers have chartered a cruise ship (Royal Caribbean’s “Majesty of the Seas”) capable of carrying 40 metal bands (which means they’re still targeting 22 more bands to fill out the line-up) and 2,000 fans, departing Miami on January 24, 2011 for a 5-day, 4-night cruise in the Caribbean, including a stop at the Mexican island of Cozumel.

The 70,000 Tons of Metal cruise has got great potential — both good and bad. It could be a truly awesome experience. It could also be a clusterfuck of cosmic proportions. And there’s no way to know which it will be until that cruise ship limps back into port, probably on fire, at the end of the voyage.

We’ve got some thoughts about what could make it orgasmically good, and what could make it suck big-time. But we’d bet the farm that unless Royal Caribbean is run by metalheads (not likely), they have no fucking idea what they’re about to get themselves into, and that increases the risk of suckage.  (more thoughts, and other related stuff, after the jump . . .)

By way of background, the promoters say that each band on the cruise will play twice at different venues on-board this massive 12-deck ship, with no two bands playing at the same time — which means, as the promoters have said, that the performances will ”essentially go round the clock.”

They’re also promising “bars that never close . . . and an opportunity to mingle side-by-side with the artists in this incredibly fan-friendly scenario that has no comparison.”  Oh yeah, they also have this policy published on their web site:

“70,000 Tons of METAL has a zero tolerance policy regarding the use, possession, purchase or distribution of illegal controlled substances. Any violation of this policy will result in disembarkation from the vessel as well as the individuals being turned over to the local law enforcement officials for appropriate legal action. In such cases 70000tons of METAL shall not be liable for any refund or other compensation or damages.”

Also, it stands to reason (though we don’t know this for a fact) that the bands will be segregated on one or more of the nicer decks with security access points so that drunken metalheads like you and me don’t knock on their doors in the middle of the night looking for autographs or vaporizers.

So, with that background, here are our updated thoughts about what would make this gig orgasmically good — and what would make it a cosmic clusterfuck:

ORGASMICALLY GOOD

The bands mix together on stage and play impromptu jams (there are some potential super-group combos in this line-up that are mind-blowing to consider)

The band members actually do mingle round-the-clock with the paying metalheads down in steerage.

The on-board venues where the bands are scheduled to play are actually big enough to accommodate everyone interested in hearing them.

The drinks are cheap and plentiful.

The crew are friendly, tolerant sorts.

The percentage of assholes among the passengers is small.

The Mexican police on Cozumel are looking the other way.

Most of the passengers re-board in Cozumel without having contracted the tourista.

COSMIC CLUSTERFUCK

The bands hole up in their assigned quarters and don’t come out except when scheduled to play or sit at autograph tables.

You can’t get in to see the bands you most want to see because the ship-board venues to which those bands were assigned are too small, and you were too lazy or fucked up to get there early.

The cruise ship gouges you for every red cent you have for drinks and for other “extras” that you consider necessities.

The crew are hardasses and they really meant it when they said “no illegal substances on board.”

“Disembarking” you for violating the illegal-substance policy means pitching you over the side into shark-infested waters.

Every fellow metalhead you rub shoulders with turns out to be an asshole.

You get so hammered the first night out of port that you spend the rest of the cruise moaning in your bunk.

The cruise ship has the audacity to make you pay for the vomit stains on your cabin carpet.

The Mexican police on Cozumel decide that anyone who looks and dresses like you must have already committed some kind of fucking crime.

Half the passengers come down with explosive diarrhea after the visit to Cozumel.

The ship is assaulted by a rogue wave.

Like we said, there’s no way to know how much of the good and how much of the bad will happen until we’re looking backward at this thing after it’s over. But hey, that’s what an adventure is all about, right? Doing something potentially awesome even when there’s some risk involved. So, even though we’ve been having some fun at the expense of this cruise promotion, it really does sound like something worthwhile.

We promised to give you the complete current lineup, and we don’t lie:

AMON AMARTH
DEATH ANGEL
EPICA
EXODUS
FINNTROLL
FORBIDDEN
MOONSPELL
OBITUARY
RAVEN
SAXON
SODOM
SONATA ARCTICA
STRATOVARIUS
SWASHBUCKLE
TESTAMENT
TROUBLE
ULI JON ROTH
WITCHBURNER

[UPDATE:  For our latest update on this cruise, visit this location.]

Earlier in this post, we mentioned that the Swedes had gotten in on the act with a metal cruise of their own — though it’s a considerably scaled-down version of the 70,000 Tons of Metal outing.

It’s called the Close-Up Båten cruise, and it will leave the port at  Stockholm, Sweden on September 9 for Åbo, Finland, and return the following day.  For those of you who happen to live closer to Stockholm than to Miami and are getting hot about the idea of listening to metal over open water, here’s the line-up for that cruise:

MESHUGGAH
DARK TRANQUILLITY
THE KRISTET UTSEENDE
CRASHDÏET
GRAVE
CRUCIFIED BARBARA
RAUBTIER
HELLSONGS

It’s only a two-day outing, and we’re guessing that there might not be a lot of sun-bathing opportunities during September in the Baltic Sea — but Meshuggah? Dark Tranquillity? Grave? Hell yeah!

We thought it was time for an update on The 70,000 Tons of Metal Cruise.  We’ve had so much fun with this thing (e.g., here and here) and are just counting the days until January 2011 when it limps back into port at Miami with chaos in its wake.

But just as we were checking the interwebz for updated info last weekend, we came across a few other stories about coal and China that gobsmacked us. They’ve got nothing to do with metal, and they’re only tangentially related to “70,000 Tons of Metal.” Actually, even “tangential” is stretching it. About the only connection is that the first story involves shipping clusterfuckery, and we suspect “70,000 Tons of Metal” will turn into a clusterfuck, too, though in a fun-loving, binge-and-purge kind of way.

So, before we give you an update on “70,000 Tons of Metal” (which we really will do), allow us to vent a little about those gobsmacking stories we saw.

First Item: According to this report, a large Chinese freighter carrying 72,000 tons of coal (not 70,000 Ton of Metal) ran aground late Saturday on a section of Australia’s Great Barrier Reef. The Shen Neng 1 crashed into the reef at full speed a few hours after leaving the port of Gladstone, Australia, on its way to China. When that happened, it was nine miles outside its authorized shipping lane, according to Australian authorities. And those same authorities reported that the ship is in danger of breaking apart.

So, what’s the big deal, you may ask? You’re thinking that coal doesn’t leak. True, but a ship this large carries a shitload of fuel — 1,000 tons of it, to be more precise. (read on after the jump . . .)

So it’s time to put the word out to all the sea life around the point of impact on the reef: Swim for your fucking lives! Unfortunately, the living coral in the reef is SOL if the Shen Neng 1 breaks up.

You may ask, why the fuck is China importing coal from Australia? Well, it turns out that China is the world’s largest consumer of coal, burning more than the United States and the European Union combined. It also turns out that China tripled its imports of coal in the past year, partly because domestic supply has not increased fast enough to keep up with power plants coming on line. And that brings us to . . .

Item Two: On March 28, an accident at the Wangjialing coal mine in northern China (Shanxi province) trapped 153 miners below ground in a flooded mine shaft. According to this report, nine miners were pulled to safety early Monday after spending more than a week trapped in that flooded mine. If our math is right, that leaves 144 still unaccounted for. About 3,000 people have worked around the clock using 14 pumps to suck the water out of the mine.

Unfortunately, we doubt those pumps will be able to suck water out of the lungs of drowned miners.

China’s coal mines are the world’s deadliest. According to China’s own State Administration of Coal Mine Safety, accidents killed 2,631 coal miners in China last year, down from 6,995 deaths in 2002, the most dangerous year on record. We’re guessing the Chinese government counts that as laudable progress.

Why do so many Chinese miners die every year? Because the Chinese economy is growing like a house on fire, because the country’s power is generated mainly from coal-fired plants, and because the resulting demand is so enormous that mine safety is less of a priority than getting the shit out of the ground ASAP.

That gluttonous demand for coal is the same reason why China imports so much coal on ships like the one that speared the Great Barrier Reef. And that brings us to . . .

Item Three: According to this report, Peabody Energy Corp., the biggest U.S. coal company, offered $3.3 billion cash in Australian dollars (U.S. $3 billion) for Australia’s Macarthur Coal Ltd. Why? To benefit from rising demand in China. Peabody already owns 8 coal mines in Australia, but wants more. As we noted above, China is the world’s biggest user of coal and its imports more than tripled last year to 125.8 million tons, according to data from the Beijing-based General Administration of Customs.

Just think how many ships like the Shen Neng 1 are constantly moving coal to Chinese ports, if one of them only carries 72,000 tons of coal. And naturally, Peabody Energy just wants a bigger share of the cheddah that China is forking over for more coal. Coal from Australia, of course — where the Shen Neng 1 was sailing from when it went off course, where the reef is that the Shen Neng 1 speared. We just love irony, don’t you?

We’re not really picking on the Chinese, though it may seem that way. They’re just doing for themselves what the U.S. already did to become a first-world, economic powerhouse — consume the cheapest available energy at a ravenous pace, and let the chips fall where they may. And heaven knows, our fair country has its own record of environmentally catastrophic shipping accidents and fatal coal mine accidents (the most recent of which occurred in West Virginia on Monday of this week — 25 confirmed dead so far).

It’s all just another daily reminder that there are, and have been, many fucked up things in the world.  If you made it your life’s work to list them all, you would probably die before finishing. We wish we were smart enough and powerful enough to figure out how China could live with less coal, or how to bring dying miners up from a flooded tube in the earth, or even just how to get a fucking freighter captain to steer his ship on course.

But we’re not smart enough or powerful enough. About all we can do today is observe that for as many fucked up things as we can see in the world, we see an equal number of things that make us smile. And that brings us to . . .

70,000 Tons of Metal Update: The list of metal acts that have signed on to play and frolic with the other passengers on this cruise has grown significantly since our last report. Check it out:

Amon Amarth
Death Angel
Epica
Finntroll
Moonstar
Obituary
Raven
Saxon
Sodom
Sonata Arctica
Strativarious
Swashbuckle
Trouble
Uli Jon Roth
Witchburner

Pretty awesome, huh? We do have to warn you about one piece of fine print we saw on the 70,000 Tons of Metal web site (and for you non-nautical types out there, “debarkation” means getting off the fucking ship):

Debarkation
Debarkation will start before 8AM on January 28, 2011. Since the ship will leave for another cruise the same day, the ship’s crew is keen on getting everyone off the boat as early as possible in order to prepare it for the next cruise. Unfortunately you cannot sleep in that day. If scheduling flights from Miami International Airport for the day the ship returns, we recommend to do so after 12:30PM to allow enough time to get off the ship, and pass through customs. If flying from Ft. Lauderdale International please schedule flights after 1:30PM. This is our recommendation; please book your flights at your own risk.

We can just imagine the fun that will ensue on the morning of January 28, 2011. Just think about the challenges of getting all those bands we listed above, plus a few thousand completely hung-over and otherwise wasted metalhead passengers — all of whom have been abusing themselves in various ways for five long days and nights — off a cruise ship beginning before 8 a.m. It will be easier getting the Shen Neng 1 off the Great Barrier Reef.

And think about the sights that will greet the new shipload of passengers who will be boarding the same fucking vessel the same fucking day for another cruise.

Really, we can hardly wait for the reports on January 29.

UPDATE: After we put this post to bed, we saw this story, which reports that a total of 115 miners have now been rescued from that coal mine in Northern China, and the search continues for the remaining 33 missing. During their week underground, the story says that “the survivors ate coal, bark and paper to get through their ordeal and drank the filthy water that surrounded them.”

Blabbermouth ran the following story on January 12:

TROUBLE, AMON AMARTH and SODOM are among the confirmed bands for the 70000 Tons Of Metal cruise, which is set to sail from Miami, Florida to Cozumel, Mexico on January 24, 2011 and return four days later. The festival billing is shaping up as follows:

AMON AMARTH
SODOM
SONATA ARCTICA
STRATOVARIUS
TROUBLE
WITCHBURNER

A posting on the festival’s web site reads, “Imagine starting the year in style. In January 2011, when everyone else is stuck with cold weather, snow and rain, 40 heavy metal bands and 2,000 fans will take over a luxury cruise ship in the Caribbean for a five-day and four-night trip of a lifetime. Tons of onboard live shows on several indoor and outdoor stages, open-mic nights, bars that never close, a fun- and sun-filled day on the beautiful island of Cozumel and an opportunity to mingle side-by-side with the artists in this incredibly fan-friendly scenario that has no comparison. It’s like everyone has a backstage pass. You might even need a vacation from this vacation when all is said and done!”

OK. Now imagine it’s about a year from now. The cruise was supposed to leave January 24, and return in four days. So, they should be back to shore by now. So here’s what we’ll be asking on January 28, 2011:

• Is there anything left of the ship?
• “70,000 Tons of Metal” — but what was the total tonnage of weed smuggled on board?
• How many people went over the side, never to be seen again?
• How many people were hospitalized along the way?
• How many passengers are still in jail on Cozumel?
• How many tourists signed up for this, thinking it was just a normal Caribbean cruise?
• Did Amon Amarth eat any of those tourists?
• Was the bilge big enough to hold all the projectile vomiting?
• Did anyone actually go up on deck into the sunlight?
• Have photos surfaced on the interwebs?

Can’t wait for January 28, 2011. Seriously.

UPDATE:  For our latest update on this cruise, go to this location.