Black Friday and Cyber Monday are behind us, but the relentless commercial onslaught that is Christmas is not done with us yet — not by a long shot. To borrow what Matt Taibbi vividly wrote about Goldman Sachs, the commercial Christmas machine will continue to wrap itself around the face of Western humanity for the next 30 days like a great vampire squid, “relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money.” As you’ll see, even some metal bands turn into vampire squids this time of year.

Yes, we need to vent a bit. That’s all. To be brutally honest, which is the only kind of honest we know how to be at NCS, we have nothing original to say about Christmas. Will that stop us from expressing our opinions?  Fuck no!  If incisive original thought were a requirement for NCS posts, we’d be in very deep shit. Lacking any such constraints, however, we will proceed — and you can’t stop us!

You might infer from the title of this post that it will just be an atheistic diatribe against Christianity, but you would be wrong. From our point of view, it really doesn’t matter whether you’re a Christian, an adherent of some other faith, or someone who has concluded that God is a myth, that Jesus was just a man, and that religion is for feeble-minded sheep.

Really, it doesn’t matter what you believe or don’t believe: All right-thinking people, Christians or not, theists or atheists, should raise their voices and middle fingers in unison and repeat after us: FUCK CHRISTMAS! (more after the jump . . .)

Maybe you believe Jesus was the son of God and died to redeem our manifold sins. Maybe you don’t buy the idea that Jesus was the son of God, but you still respect how he lived and what he taught before his crucifixion. In either case, it would be understandable that once a year, you might want to pause, remember, and reflect on his birth, and maybe even celebrate it — quietly and humbly.

Good luck with that. Is there a worse time of year than the “Christmas season” for quiet reflection about anything? Every available print, audio, and video media outlet is relentlessly spewing out exhortations to spend your fucking money, whether you have it to spend or not. Almost everything that is said publicly about Christmas is linked overtly or subtly to loosening your wallet, to converting your money into someone else’s money. Even the churches expect better-than-average contributions from their congregations this time of year.

A time for remembering someone’s birth has become, like virtually every other Western “holiday”, an occasion for commercial interests to part you from your money. If a business has got something to sell, this is the primo time of year to sell the shit out of it, even if the person whose birth is the excuse for the money-grubbing was famously disdainful of material possessions. They’ll spend the next 30 days trying to stick electrodes up your bunghole and fire up the voltage, repeatedly, until you surrender and spend yo fucking money.

It really doesn’t make sense. Do you know of any other occasion where we are exhorted to celebrate one man’s birth by giving presents to other people? Lord knows, Jesus doesn’t need the  presents. Depending on your beliefs, he’s either fucking dead or he’s someplace where he don’t need a nice Blu Ray player. We don’t claim any special insight here, but we’ve got a feeling he wouldn’t want a celebration even if he were still alive, much less any presents.  In fact, our feeling is that he would be fucking apoplectic if he saw the materialistic orgy that erupts at this time of year.

Look, we know some people love to shop, to wrap presents, to decorate, to drink the fucking egg nog, and for lots of those people, any excuse will do, and it’s got precious little to do with religion. But if you’re not one of those people, Christmas just becomes a fucking grind in which you feel pressure to give gifts to family members — whether you want to or not, whether you can afford it or not, whether the gift recipients really need or want the gifts, whether there is any genuine reason to do it at this time of year, except we live in a culture that has conditioned us to do it.

And that commercial compulsion is perpetuated down from generation to generation. What we do for children at this time of year — the presents under the tree, the Christmas-oriented entertainment in which we immerse them, etc. — the things we do either because that’s what we think we’re supposed to do or because we like seeing the happiness and wonder that all those things can generate, well, there will be  a reckoning for all that. They will grow up to be just like us — more fodder for the vampire squids whose mantra is: Spend! Spend! Spend ’til it hurts! And if you don’t, you’re a fucking waste of a human being!

It’s almost all bad, and if you’re not a Christian it’s even worse. If you don’t buy the line that Jesus was the son of God, if you don’t even buy the line that there is a god, well then, the “Christmas season” is an annoyance at best and an insufferably obnoxious alien invasion at worst. Except it’s not like Independence Day — you can’t send Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum in a purloined alien fighter up to the mothership and blow the living shit out of it. No, this is an alien invasion that can’t be repelled or exterminated — because we’re doing it to ourselves.

And don’t get us started on the music! The wretched carols you’ve heard thousands of times before, the Christmas-themed pop songs, the “Christmas albums” churned out by performers who just want to cash in — in other words, the absolutely unavoidable deluge of seasonal crap music. No doubt, some artists make Christmas-themed music as a display of faith, but many are no more Christian than your average hyena, and what they’re doing is just hoovering up the dollars.

You think metal bands are immune from the impulse to make a buck off Christmas? No such luck. Mastodon is promoting “a super-limited-edition Christmas t-shirt”, yours for only $18.99 plus shipping. Black Label Society has released a holiday single, “The First Noel”, available for purchase at iTunes. In what has become an annual tradition, August Burns Red has released a cover of yet another Christmas carol (this year, “The Little Drummer Boy”). BEC Recordings has released a compilation called Happy Christmas Volume 5, featuring “fourteen holiday cuts with a focus on more edgy, alternative style of music than what is expected for this time of the year”, including tracks from the likes of Demon Hunter, August Burns Red (again), and Emery. And there’s more, but that’s enough.

You can talk about happy and jolly and ivy and holly and mistletoe and Santa and elves and reindeer all you want, never mind that none of that stuff has anything to do with the nominal occasion for all the fun, but at its blackened core, Christmas is really a frolic for the vampire squids, a march of the drones (thank you Obitus), and we would be better off without it.

There. We’re done. We got that out of our system. Tomorrow, we’ll be our normal friendly, kind-hearted NCS selves once again. Now we have to go think about what fucking Christmas presents to buy for family members. But ringing in our heads while we do it will be this little anthem:

Do you think this rant is off-base?

Do you think we’ve got a toxic case of humbug?

Or do you subscribe to our un-original thoughts about this artificial excuse for commerce?

Speak up!  This is what comments are for!

[UPDATE: One of the comments below reminded us of this video. Yes, this is one of the few pieces of Christmas music we can tolerate. In fact, it’s better than tolerable — it’s fucking great.  And this video never ceases to put a smile on our Scroogy faces. There are even snazzier versions of this idea out there, but the original is still very strong. Trans-Siberian Orchestra — “Wizards of Winter”:

My, how time flies. Another month is in the history books. However much time you have on earth, you now have 31 days less of it since since the last installment of this post. Drink up!

But have no fear. You’re headed for a better place. That’s right, basically the same existence you had a month ago, but with more new metal ahead of you. Drink up!

And all those physical processes that are inexorably decaying your bodies on the rocky road to your demise, they’re still there and they’re still working on you like termites that have found a rotting log. But hey, you can still bang your head, so . . . Drink up!

Yes, we’re now a full seven months into 2010, and so it’s time for another monthly update to the list of forthcoming new albums we first posted on January 1. (All the other updates can be found via the “Forthcoming Albums” category link on the right side of our pages.) Below is a list of still more projected new releases we didn’t know about at the time of our previous updates, or updated info about some of the previously noted releases.

Once again, we’ve cobbled together news blurbs about bands whose past work we’ve liked, or who look interesting for other reasons. Perhaps needless to say, these are bands that mostly fit the profile of music we cover on this site — the kind that would like to tear your head off.

So, in alphabetical order, here’s our list of cut-and-pasted items from various sources since our last update about forthcoming new releases. Look for the bands you like and put reminders on your calendar. Or if you’re like us, just stick post-it notes on your forehead. Of course, if your foreheads are the low, sloping kind, you may only have room for a few, so be choosy.

ABIGAIL WILLIAMS: “Candlelight Records today confirms September 28 as the North American release date for In the Absence of Light, the second full-length album from black metallers Abigail Williams. Recorded at Conquistador Studios in Cleveland, Ohio, the album was mixed by Peter Tagtgren (Dimmu Borgir, Immortal, Celtic Frost) and features artwork by Farron Kerzner (Nachtmystium, Lightning Swords of Death). In The Absence of Light is true to the rules of black metal. . . .”

ARCKANUM: “Swedish black metallers ARCKANUM will release their new album, Sviga Læ, later in the year via Regain Records. . . . Commented Shamaatae (all instruments): ‘The new ARCKANUM album, Sviga Læ, is a dedication to Surtr; Giant and Ruler of the world of flames Múspellzheimr, and Loki; the Flaming Giant and Archenemy of the worlds. Sviga Læ is a manifestation of the blazing Chaos and the burning of the gods.’”

AS BLOOD RUNS BLACK: “A full 4 years after their deathcore masterpiece, Allegience, As Blood Runs Black are finishing up work on their sophomore album. . . . A statement from the band reads: ‘Our first single for our new album is finally being mixed!! Sounds fucking awesome!! Can’t wait to put it up. “Instinct” COMING SOON.’ The album is expected to drop before the end of the year.”

AUTOPSY: “U.S. gore legends AUTOPSY have completed the recording of their first tracks since officially reforming last year. The Tomb Within consists of five new tunes of gore and depravity and will be released on September 13 through Peaceville Records on CD and 12-inch vinyl, with general release set for September 27. Cover art is supplied by renowned fantasy/horror artist Matt Cavotta.”

THE AUTUMN OFFERING: “A seven-minute trailer/teaser for THE AUTUMN OFFERING‘s new, self-titled album [has been released]. Due on August 31 via Victory Records, the new CD is ‘the band’s most crushing release to date’ and is ‘chock-full of blast beats and twin guitar wizardry’ while ‘vocalist Matt McChesney sounds as if he is being burned at the stake,’ according to a press release.”

BAD RELIGION: “Celebrating three decades of influential, thought-provoking and groundbreaking punk rock, BAD RELIGION will release its fifteenth studio album, The Dissent Of Man, on September 28.”

BENEATH THE MASSACRE: “Montreal masters of tech death brutality, Beneath The Massacre, have announced they will be releasing an EP, featuring five brand new tracks, in the coming months. This will be the band’s first release since 2008′s Dystopia.”

CITY OF FIRE: “CITY OF FIRE, the new band featuring vocalist Burton C. Bell, bassist Byron Stroud, guitarist Terry Murray, guitarist Ian White, and drummer Bob Wagner, made a surprise live appearance last weekend opening for FEAR FACTORY at the Commodore Ballroom in Vancouver. The performance marked the first live appearance for the band this year as they ready themselves for the anticipated release of their self-titled debut album on August 24.”

THE CROWN: “‘Blood O.D.’, a brand new song from the reunited Swedish death/thrash metal act THE CROWN, is available for streaming on the band’s MySpace page. The track comes off the group’s new album, Doomsday King, which is scheduled for release on September 27 via Century Media Records.”

DAGOBA: “‘Black Smokers’, a brand new song from French metallers DAGOBA, can be streamed on the band’s MySpace page. The track comes off the group’s fourth album, “Poseidon”, which will be released on August 30 via the French label XIII Bis Records. The CD was recorded at Hyperion Studioin Marseille, France with ‘Brew’ Varea and was mixed by Dave Chang at Philia Studio in the U.K.”

DEMIURG: “DEMIURG — the Sweden-based band featuring Rogga Johansson (RIBSPREADER, PAGANIZER) on vocals and guitars, Johan Berglund (THIS HAVEN) on bass, Ed Warby (GOREFEST, AYREON, HAIL OF BULLETS) on drums and Dan Swanö (EDGE OF SANITY, NIGHTINGALE, BLOODBATH) on lead guitar and keyboards — will release its third album, Slakthus Gamleby, on July 30 via Cyclone Empire Records.”

DEVILDRIVER: “DEVILDRIVER recently finished recording its fifth album at Sonic Ranch studios in Tornillo, Texas with producer Mark Lewis (TRIVIUM,CHIMAIRA, ALL THAT REMAINS) for a tentative early 2011 release through Roadrunner Records. According to drummer John Boecklin, acclaimed British producer Andy Sneap (MEGADETH, EXODUS, MACHINE HEAD, NEVERMORE, ARCH ENEMY) will mix the effort in late July at Andy‘s Backstage studio in Derbyshire, England.”

THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA: “The Devil Wears Prada will release their previously announced EP on August 24th via Ferret Music [entitled] Zombie . . . .  Both a teaser and a track (“Outnumbered”) from the EP can be found via www.tdwpslays.com.”

DEVOID/ALBATROSS: “Demonstealer Records has announced the signing of two of India’s most promising young bands: DEVOID (MySpace page), a thrash metal act from Mumbai, and ALBATROSS (MySpace page), a group that likes to mix horror and metal. Both bands’ debut efforts — ALBATROSS‘ Dinner Is You EP and DEVOID‘s A God’s Lie album — are scheduled for a worldwide release in September. ALBATROSS‘ Dinner Is You EP was mastered by acclaimed Swedish producer Andy La Rocque (KING DIAMOND, DEATH, ILLWILL, X-WORLD/5).”

ENSLAVED: “Norwegian psychedelic post-black metal band ENSLAVED will release its new album, Axioma Ethica Odini, in Europe on September 27 and in North America on September 28. The CD’s cover artwork was created by the Norwegian artist Truls Espedal, who has painted every ENSLAVED album cover since 2001′s Monumension.”

GHOST MACHINERY: “Finnish melodic metallers GHOST MACHINERY will release their second album, Out For Blood, in Europe on August 27 and in North America on October 5 via Germany’s Limb Music.”

GOAT THE HEAD: “Norwegian death metallers GOAT THE HEAD will release their second full-length album, Doppelgängers, on September 13 via Aftermath Music. The CD was mixed and mastered by Tue Madsen (HALFORD, BEHEMOTH,KATAKLYSM, THE HAUNTED) at his Antfarm Studio in Århus , Denmark and it ‘boasts 10 furious tracks exerting about every color of the metal palette,’ according to a press release.”

GRAVE DIGGER: “German power metallers GRAVE DIGGER have set The Clans Will Rise Again as the title of their new album, due in Europe on October 1 via Napalm Records. . . .The Clans Will Rise Again is a loose sequel of the Tunes Of War album, but this time not a concept album about the Scottish history, rather a work about Scotland, its mysticism and its people.”

IMMORTAL: “The Seventh Date Of Blashyrkh, the band’s first official live DVD and live CD release in the history of their existence, features songs that span IMMORTAL‘s timeless discography and includes three back-to-back-to-back selections from their most acclaimed release to date. The leather and spikes, the “war paint,” the bursting pyrotechnics, the essential anthems, Abbath‘s on-stage acrobatics, and an audience that drew upwards of 70,000 people… the magic’s all there, ready to be absorbed into your consciousness. . . .  The Seventh Date Of Blashyrkh will be released in Europe on August 6 and in North America on September 14 via Nuclear Blast.”

INFERNAEON: ““Ziasudra”, a brand new song from Floridian extreme metallers INFERNAEON, is available for streaming on the band’s MySpace page. According to a press release, the track tells the story of the Sumerian king of the same name from which the story of Noah is derived. “Ziasudra” comes off INFERNAEON‘s new album, Genesis To Nemesis, which is scheduled for release on August 31 via Prosthetic Records. The CD was recorded at Erik Rutan‘s Mana Recording Studios (GOATWHORE, CANNIBAL CORPSE, HATE ETERNAL) in St. Petersburg, Florida with producer Brian Elliott.”

IRON MAIDEN: “IRON MAIDEN‘s 15th studio LP, The Final Frontier, will be released in North America on August 17 (one day earlier internationally) via Universal Music Enterprises (UMe). The band reunited with long-time MAIDEN producer Kevin “Caveman” Shirley in early 2010 at Compass Point Studios, Nassau to record the album and then moved to The Cave Studios in Malibu, California to finish the recording and do the mixing.”

THE MAN-EATING TREE: “THE MAN-EATING TREE — the new atmospheric metal band featuring former SENTENCED drummer Vesa Ranta alongside current/former members of POISONBLACK, REFLEXION and EMBRAZE — will release its debut album, Vine, in Finland on September 22 via Cobra Records and in other territories through Century Media Records. The CD was recorded at Mastervox Studio in Oulu, Finland with producer Hiili Hiilesmaa (HIM, SENTENCED, AMORPHIS).”

MUSHROOMHEAD: “Ohio’s MUSHROOMHEAD has changed the title of its new album to Beautiful Stories For Ugly Children from the previously announced Slaughterhouse Road. Due on September 28 via Filthy Hands/Megaforce Records, the CD was mastered by Roger Lian at Masterdisk in New York City.”

NEAERA: “The first in a series of webisodes featuring behind-the-scenes footage from the recording sessions for Forging The Eclipse, the fifth album from German extreme metallers NEAERA, [have been released]. Forging The Eclipse is scheduled for an October 22 release via Metal Blade Records. . . . The mixing/mastering will be handled by Tue Madsen (HEAVEN SHALL BURN, DARK TRANQUILLITY, MOONSPELL).”

NIGHTFALL: “The cover artwork for Astron Black And The Thirty Tyrants, the new album from reformed Greek metallers NIGHTFALL — featuring frontman and lyricist Efthimis Karadimas alongside Evan Hensley on guitar, Stathis Kassios on keyboards and Jörg Uken on drums — [has been released]. The CD is scheduled for release on August 31 (one day earlier internationally) via Metal Blade Records. The cover artwork was created by Travis Smith (OPETH, DEATH, NEVERMORE, KATATONIA).”

OBSCURA: “Progressive death metal act OBSCURA has entered Woodshed Studio in southern Germany with engineer V. Santura (TRIPTYKON, DARK FORTRESS) to begin recording its new album for an early 2011 release via Relapse Records.”

ONE MAN ARMY AND THE UNDEAD QUARTET: “ONE MAN ARMY AND THE UNDEAD QUARTET, the Swedish band featuring former THE CROWN vocalist Johan Lindstrand, is currently writing material for its fourth album, tentatively due in early 2011.Lindstrand states, ‘We will enter Black Lounge studio in October and together with Jonas Kjellgren we will try to create the best possible ARMYalbum ever. If we succeed or not is up to you to judge, but all I can say is that for the first time all songs feels like keepers.’”

PANTERA: “PANTERA found its growl and groove on Cowboys From Hell, a landmark album whose bone-powdering intensity, razor-sharp riffing and pummeling rhythmic assault represented a turning point in modern metal when it was released in 1990. . . . To celebrate the 20-year anniversary of Cowboys From Hell, Rhino rounds up a three-disc “Ultimate Edition,” a three-disc “Deluxe Edition,” and a two-disc “Expanded Edition.” All three editions include a newly remastered version of the original album along with unreleased and rare live performances from the “Cowboys From Hell” tour. The “Ultimate” and “Deluxe” editions will also feature a disc of unreleased demos for nearly every album track, plus, “The Will To Survive”, a previously unreleased song recorded during the album’s sessions.The “Deluxe” and “Expanded” editions of “Cowboys From Hell” will be released September 14 at all retail outlets, including www.pantera.com and www.rhino.com .”

PRO-PAIN: “Absolute Power, the thirteenth full-length album from PRO-PAIN, will be released in North America on August 10 via Regain Records. According to a press release, the CD ‘explores several sides to the tried-and-true American unit’s somewhat patented sound. While a vast chunk of the album immediately recalls standard PRO-PAIN New York City-style metal/hardcore crossover attacks, many elements at play on Absolute Power infiltrate totally new ground for the band.’”

THE SHOWDOWN: “‘Heavy Lies The Crown’, a brand new song from the Tennessee’s riff-tastic southern metal outfit THE SHOWDOWN, can be streamed on the band’s MySpace page. The track comes off the group’s fourth album, Blood in the Gears, which is scheduled for release on August 24 via Solid State Records.”

THERION: “THERION will release its new album, Sitra Ahra, in North America on October 26 via Nuclear Blast Records. The CD was mixed at the legendary Polar Studios in Stockholm by Lennart Östlund (LED ZEPPELIN, ABBA). The cover artwork was created by Thomas Ewerhard, who worked on all of the band’s most recent releases in addition to collaborating with EDGUY,AVANTASIA, RAGE and HAMMERFALL, among others.”

WINDS OF PLAGUE: “Los Angeles metallers WINDS OF PLAGUE will enter the studio later this summer with producer Matt Hyde (SLAYER, HATEBREED) to begin recording their third album for an early 2011 release via Century Media Records.”

WITHIN THE RUINS: “Western Massachusetts own Within The Ruins prepares for the release of their second full-length album Invade, follow-up of the band’s 2009 release Creature. Invade is set to hit stores officially on August 31st through Victory Records.”