This is not an entirely hypothetical question. It could happen. Our brothers in blog at Heavy Blog Is Heavy are giving away two tickets to the Vancouver stop of the Hell On Earth Tour on August 3, plus a chance for a meet-and-greet session with tour headliners Rob Zombie and Slayer (Exodus is also on this tour, but to ask them questions, you’ll have to get up stage in the middle of their set and see if you can get their attention).

Those tickets and passes are the grand prize in a contest HBIH is currently running, with the second prize being two more tickets (but no meet-and-greet). To enter, you just have to answer this imminently practical question: If all hell were to break loose and zombies came out of the woodwork, how would you slay them?

I keep answers to questions like this on a little notepad in an emergency kit, which includes such other potentially useful items as a can of catfood, a block of C-4 explosive, two packs of Ding-Dongs, and a used-only-once band-aid. My notepad also includes words of greeting in seven known extraterrestrial languages. In other words, I’m fuckin’ ready for anything.

I know how to kill zombies, too. Kill ‘em so they won’t be coming back — ever. Unfortunately, since I’m within the secret, monolithic brotherhood of blogdom with the HBIH people, I’m ineligible to enter this contest. Probably for the best; it wouldn’t be fair to everyone else. I also know what to ask Rob Zombie and Slayer, but if I told you, I’d have to kill you.

To get more details about the HBIH contest, go here. Contest ends on July 26.

More than a month has passed since we posted our last update about the 70,000 Tons of Metal Cruise, and we figured it was time to check in again.

Since our last update, Exodus, Forbidden, and Testament have signed on. That’s a heavyweight injection of Bay Area thrash into this floating festival (we’ll give you the complete current line-up of 18 bands after the jump). Plus, in related news, the Swedes have gotten in on the act by putting together their own metal cruise (more on that after the jump too).

If you don’t know what this cruise is, we’ll fill you in: The organizers have chartered a cruise ship (Royal Caribbean’s “Majesty of the Seas”) capable of carrying 40 metal bands (which means they’re still targeting 22 more bands to fill out the line-up) and 2,000 fans, departing Miami on January 24, 2011 for a 5-day, 4-night cruise in the Caribbean, including a stop at the Mexican island of Cozumel.

The 70,000 Tons of Metal cruise has got great potential — both good and bad. It could be a truly awesome experience. It could also be a clusterfuck of cosmic proportions. And there’s no way to know which it will be until that cruise ship limps back into port, probably on fire, at the end of the voyage.

We’ve got some thoughts about what could make it orgasmically good, and what could make it suck big-time. But we’d bet the farm that unless Royal Caribbean is run by metalheads (not likely), they have no fucking idea what they’re about to get themselves into, and that increases the risk of suckage.  (more thoughts, and other related stuff, after the jump . . .)

By way of background, the promoters say that each band on the cruise will play twice at different venues on-board this massive 12-deck ship, with no two bands playing at the same time — which means, as the promoters have said, that the performances will ”essentially go round the clock.”

They’re also promising “bars that never close . . . and an opportunity to mingle side-by-side with the artists in this incredibly fan-friendly scenario that has no comparison.”  Oh yeah, they also have this policy published on their web site:

“70,000 Tons of METAL has a zero tolerance policy regarding the use, possession, purchase or distribution of illegal controlled substances. Any violation of this policy will result in disembarkation from the vessel as well as the individuals being turned over to the local law enforcement officials for appropriate legal action. In such cases 70000tons of METAL shall not be liable for any refund or other compensation or damages.”

Also, it stands to reason (though we don’t know this for a fact) that the bands will be segregated on one or more of the nicer decks with security access points so that drunken metalheads like you and me don’t knock on their doors in the middle of the night looking for autographs or vaporizers.

So, with that background, here are our updated thoughts about what would make this gig orgasmically good — and what would make it a cosmic clusterfuck:

ORGASMICALLY GOOD

The bands mix together on stage and play impromptu jams (there are some potential super-group combos in this line-up that are mind-blowing to consider)

The band members actually do mingle round-the-clock with the paying metalheads down in steerage.

The on-board venues where the bands are scheduled to play are actually big enough to accommodate everyone interested in hearing them.

The drinks are cheap and plentiful.

The crew are friendly, tolerant sorts.

The percentage of assholes among the passengers is small.

The Mexican police on Cozumel are looking the other way.

Most of the passengers re-board in Cozumel without having contracted the tourista.

COSMIC CLUSTERFUCK

The bands hole up in their assigned quarters and don’t come out except when scheduled to play or sit at autograph tables.

You can’t get in to see the bands you most want to see because the ship-board venues to which those bands were assigned are too small, and you were too lazy or fucked up to get there early.

The cruise ship gouges you for every red cent you have for drinks and for other “extras” that you consider necessities.

The crew are hardasses and they really meant it when they said “no illegal substances on board.”

“Disembarking” you for violating the illegal-substance policy means pitching you over the side into shark-infested waters.

Every fellow metalhead you rub shoulders with turns out to be an asshole.

You get so hammered the first night out of port that you spend the rest of the cruise moaning in your bunk.

The cruise ship has the audacity to make you pay for the vomit stains on your cabin carpet.

The Mexican police on Cozumel decide that anyone who looks and dresses like you must have already committed some kind of fucking crime.

Half the passengers come down with explosive diarrhea after the visit to Cozumel.

The ship is assaulted by a rogue wave.

Like we said, there’s no way to know how much of the good and how much of the bad will happen until we’re looking backward at this thing after it’s over. But hey, that’s what an adventure is all about, right? Doing something potentially awesome even when there’s some risk involved. So, even though we’ve been having some fun at the expense of this cruise promotion, it really does sound like something worthwhile.

We promised to give you the complete current lineup, and we don’t lie:

AMON AMARTH
DEATH ANGEL
EPICA
EXODUS
FINNTROLL
FORBIDDEN
MOONSPELL
OBITUARY
RAVEN
SAXON
SODOM
SONATA ARCTICA
STRATOVARIUS
SWASHBUCKLE
TESTAMENT
TROUBLE
ULI JON ROTH
WITCHBURNER

[UPDATE:  For our latest update on this cruise, visit this location.]

Earlier in this post, we mentioned that the Swedes had gotten in on the act with a metal cruise of their own — though it’s a considerably scaled-down version of the 70,000 Tons of Metal outing.

It’s called the Close-Up Båten cruise, and it will leave the port at  Stockholm, Sweden on September 9 for Åbo, Finland, and return the following day.  For those of you who happen to live closer to Stockholm than to Miami and are getting hot about the idea of listening to metal over open water, here’s the line-up for that cruise:

MESHUGGAH
DARK TRANQUILLITY
THE KRISTET UTSEENDE
CRASHDÏET
GRAVE
CRUCIFIED BARBARA
RAUBTIER
HELLSONGS

It’s only a two-day outing, and we’re guessing that there might not be a lot of sun-bathing opportunities during September in the Baltic Sea — but Meshuggah? Dark Tranquillity? Grave? Hell yeah!

I try to stay grymm. This is an extreme metal blog, after all. Brooding and scowling are the order of the day, except when we take a break for attempts at humor — which necessarily have to be tasteless or sarcastic. Problem is, I have a weakness for cats. I have a cat — or to be more accurate, I share a cat. He’s about 17 years old and a big part of my day. That makes me a little insecure, because as pets go, I have this nagging worry that cats aren’t considered metal, not like a Doberman or a pit bull or a wolfhound.

I got a little bit of an ego boost when I read Issue #62 (Dec 2009) of Decibel. It included an article called “The Cutest Kitties in Metal.” The article consisted of seven pages of dudes from metal bands with their cats, with photos and affectionate commentary from the dudes about their cats. That made me feel a little more metal about my own cat thing.

But that was a couple months ago, and I’ve started feeling insecure again about my metalness. Like when I saw the photo above and started laughing. I don’t even know why I’m making that confession.  Lolcats are not metal. I know that. I don’t even know why I’m putting this post together. Trying to justify my cat weakness I guess, at the risk that you readers will think this post is a complete, bullshit waste of space and time.

But fuck it, the die is cast. In for a dime, in for a dollar. Tomorrow we’ll have a post ready on some divergently awesome new music, but today, I’m afraid it’s all catz.

So, the cat above isn’t metal.  But what about this?  (after the jump . . .)

That one’s more metal, don’t you think? How’d you like to wake up every morning with this monster sitting on your chest, giving you that look? On the bright side, you probably wouldn’t feel like falling back asleep. You’d probably jump out of the rack like you were shot from a gun.

Still not convinced that cats can be metal?  How about this one:

Shit! That one makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck. I like cats and all, but the owners of this one must have found a pet store in Hell. Not sure I could come home to that every day. Pretty fucking metal, though.

What about this next one?

Yeah, now that’s more like it! Definitely a metal cat, right? I can guess what happened here. Cat was sleeping, like they do about 90% of the day and night. And then the human in the room decided it would be a good time to crank up some Napalm Death at full blast.

Let’s not stop now.  Check out this one:

Also metal, right?  I’m starting to feel more masculine about my cat weakness already. But I’m still not quite where I need to be. I got an idea! Let’s shift gears. Stay with cats, but think about bigger cats — cats that prey on more than mice, birds, and canned tuna.

What about this?

Yeah, you’re right.  It’s definitely a bigger cat, and it’s regally beautiful. But the photo is not really metal.

But what about this?

Yeah, that’s more like it! That’s a br00tal creature right there. Definitely metal. Regally beautiful AND scary as shit.

While we’re on the subject of scary-as-shit tigers, how about this:

Fuck! And I had this delusional idea that if I were ever being chased by a tiger, all I’d have to do is head for deep water. Not that I really spend a lot of time thinking about what I’d do if I were ever being chased by a tiger.  I’m just sayin’.  Heading for deep water is out.

Best plan is probably what’s suggested by the punchline to the old joke about the two missionaries running from a charging lion. One says to the other, “We’ll never outrun it!” The other says, “I don’t have to outrun it.  I just have to outrun you.”

Now that we’re on the subject of lions, is this metal?

Nah, you’re right. Not metal. The regally beautiful thing again.

But what about this?

Nope. That’s not the kind of headbanging I was looking for. Not metal.

But you and I know that lions can definitely be metal, especially if you’re a gazelle and it’s dinner time on the savannah.

Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about!! Somebody at the zoo just cranked up some Behemoth! You can imagine what he’s thinking: “Where’s the fuckin’ mosh pit?!? And are there any scenesters trying to hardcore dance? I could use me a nice soft scenester appetizer!”

Lions and tigers are good feline metal candidates for sure. But let’s not stop there.  What about this?

Yeah, not so much. This one, you’d almost want to pet.

Until you realize that he’s probably just dozing off a big meal of fat tourist sashimi. And then you think what he probably looked like just before chowing down.

Uh-huh. Black metal. If that’s not TRVE and KVLT, what is?  Or how about the other obvious choice (wait for it) — Pantera!

One more member of the big feline family awaits.  Check out this spotted specimen:

Not metal, you say? Well, maybe not right at this moment.  He or she is probably just sleeping off a sweaty, beer-soaked night in the pit at an Exodus show.

But leopards can definitely be metal.  Voila:

Slash and burn, baby! That’s some brutal death metal right there, am I right?

SO, I think I’m startin’ to make my case that cats can be metal. I’m feeling better about my feline affinity. I may be ready to move out of the animal kingdom and consider people. Not people who like cats, but people who pretend they are cats. How would that make me feel?

Shit.  What was Heidi Klum on when she decided this would be a good idea? Definitely the non-metal side of feline couture. But not even the sex-kitten side. Just cringingly, embarrassingly absurd.

Come on Heidi, get into it! Channel your internal vicious cat! Show us that cat people can be metal, even when they’re wearing ridiculous, Andrew Lloyd Weber-ish costumes.

Uh, no. Not what I had in mind. Even the black fingernails don’t help. You’re really lettin’ me down here. I’m trying to convince myself that cats are metal, and this is the best you can do?

Let’s give this one more shot. One more person who looks like a cat, but in a metal sort of way. Who would that be?

Shit! Not what I had in mind either, though it’s plenty fuckin’ scary. This broad needs to feed her plastic surgeon to one of those big cats higher up the page. In small pieces.

Oh man, I wish I’d never seen this. It’s put me completely off my train of thought. I think it’s a sign I need to just wrap this up and find another way to deal with my cat/metal issues.

Maybe this music will help. It’s not about cats, but I like to think of it as big-cat metal. And it’s a shitload better than more pictures like that last one. Listen to Pantera.  I’m outta here.  Gotta feed the cat.

Pantera: Walk

The week is almost over, and it’s been a good one for us.  We discovered Shining and Thrudvangar — and we also came across some random, eye-catching visual stuff that gives us an excuse for another installment of our irregular feature called “That’s Metal” — But It’s Not Music.

That visual stuff (photos and videos) happened to fall more or less neatly into the theme of “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles” — and each item struck us as being pretty fucking metal, even though it’s not music.  So, what the hell, we thought we’d share.

First up: Automobiles. Or more accurately roads where you can drive automobiles. This example came our way via the blog of Steff Metal, our favorite metal maven from the Antipodes. Her “Linking Horn” feature consistently turns us on to interesting shit we’d never otherwise see.

Case in point: The 19 Most Complex and Dangerous Roads in the World. Follow that link and you’ll see photos of some breathtaking roadways, like the one above — the Stelvio Pass Road in the Eastern Alps of Italy. It’s got 48 hairpin turns at an altitude of 1.7 miles above sea level. Or check out the next photo (after the jump . . .)

This is the Trollstigen road in Norway.  “Trollstigen” apparently means “The Troll Ladder.” Can’t imagine why they gave the road that name.  Or how about this one:

This one is called Los Caracoles.  It passes though the Andreas Mountains on the way between Chile and Argentina.

Why are these roads metal?  (A) Because some poor fuckers actually built these roads — and that’s pretty goddamned metal; and (B) because the thought of hauling ass along these things with some Exodus blaring over the car stereo is a seriously metal fantasy (even if it would most likely be the last act of our lives).

Next up:  Trains. To be more specific a freight train versus a tornado.  Guess which one wins.  (We hope we don’t have to explain why this is metal.)

Next up: Planes.  Well, not really planes. Just lunatics who think they’re planes. The footage below shows people wearing “wingsuits” base-jumping from some really high places. Personally, I’d rather get a good buzz on, settle back on a comfy sofa, and crank out some Immolation. I have trouble even watching this shit. Even the thought of actually doing it makes me wanna cry like a little girl.

(Again, we don’t think we need to explain why this is metal.)

Well, there you have it. Hope you liked all this stuff. We’ll get back to music tomorrow.

Arch Enemy comes to town and your NCS Authors turn into moths drawn to a candle flame.

On February 6, 2010, the TYRANTS OF EVIL tour stopped at The Showbox in Seattle and two of us plus our entourage were there to take in the tyranny of evility. We file this report (along with a big batch of our regrettably amateurish photo images at the end of the post).

MUTINY WITHIN

This band first drew our attention through a YouTube video of their transplant-from-England vocalist Chris Clancy singing an operatic aria called “Nessum Dorma.” So, okay, the dude’s got some pipes. But does he belong in a metal band, and is the band itself worth a damn? Someone thinks so, because they’re signed to Roadrunner Records, they’ve got a debut album coming out on February 23, they’re touring with Arch Enemy, and they clearly had a bunch of appreciative fans in the Showbox audience.

But this is power metal, with mostly clean singing, and you know that’s not our thing (see the name of this site). Anything we might say would come off as a put-down, but that wouldn’t be our intent. We’re just not into this kind of metal. So, we’ll pass on the review and move to the next band . . . . (after the jump)

ARSIS

These Virginians have got a new release, Starve for the Devil, officially due out in about 3 days, and they launched their set with a cut from that album, “Forced to Rock.” Frontman James Malone was in good form, both in his powerful delivery of harsh vocals and in the virtually non-stop shredding that’s the hallmark of this band’s blend of melodic death metal and guitar-powered thrash. Malone and Nick Cordle traded off on the soloing and periodically harmonized their axes, and the whole band kept the energy level in the red zone from start to finish. The Showbox crowd got into it as the pit action started on the first song and carried through to the finish. We liked it!

EXODUS

We’d never seen these thrash legends in the flesh before, and it was an eye-opener — complete headbanging, moshtastic mayhem! Imagine dropping your brain into a blender and punching the “liquify” setting, and you’ll have an idea of the experience that Exodus generated. Vocalist Rob Dukes stalked his burly self around the stage, clad in a New York Rangers jersey, belting out the high-end harsh howling and successfully exhorting the crowd into a frenzy. He also carried off the clean vocals on the epic “Children Of A Worthless God” with power and clarity.

As magnetic as Dukes was, he was more than matched by an impeccable instrumental performance by his bandmates. Gary Holt and Lee Altus were just mind-blowing shred machines on guitar — blazingly fast and technically amazing — and bassist Jack Gibson kept pace with them despite a vicious hangover that required some alcoholic medicine to get him on stage (or so Rob Dukes informed the crowd). But as impressive as those dudes were, drummer Tom Hunting was the guy who most blew my mind — incredible speed, stamina, and intricacy that really drove the thrashing power of the whole set. A genuinely stand-out live performance I’ll remember for a long time.

Exodus lit a bonfire under the Showbox crowd and kicked the pit action into high gear with old favorites like “Bonded By Blood,” “War Is My Shepherd,” “Strike Of The Beast,” and “The Toxic Waltz.” The set ended with a pretty impressive wall of death and a deafening roar of appreciation from an exhilarated audience. Your NCS Authors were drawn to this show mainly by Arch Enemy, but it was Exodus I had on my iPod during the trip home.  Two-word summation: Holy Shit!!

ARCH ENEMY

Our first audience with Empress Angela and her Court was back in May ’08 at El Corazon in Seattle on the Tyranny & Bloodshed Tour with Dark Tranquillity, Divine Heresy, and Firewind. We were completely taken with the performance — one of the best live shows we’ve seen, period. And what a stroke of luck to see them in a relatively small, club-sized venue!

The Showbox is a bigger setting, and we weren’t quite as on top of the action as we were almost two years ago, but man was this fun! The set included more than a dozen songs, including crowd-pleasers like “Revolution Begins,” “Ravenous,” “I Will Live Again,” “Dead Eyes See No Future,” “We Will Rise,” and “Nemesis,” as well as some of the pre-Angela songs that the band re-recorded for last year’s The Root Of All Evil, an extended melodic guitar solo from the Amott brothers, and an eye-popping drum solo by Daniel Erlandsson. This is a band with tremendous technical skill that still projects infectious enthusiasm and energy despite the long years of touring with basically these same songs.

But of course, as good as they were, Angela Gossow was the center of attention. She was in constant motion, headbanging and windmilling, her mane of platinum hair flying with abandon — and that voice! Still blows my mind that those vicious gutteral howls are coming out of someone who looks like she does. She had this adoring crowd eating out of her upturned hands.

The only complaint of your NCS Authors was how closely this performance resembled the one from two years ago. It’s still awesomely entertaining, but we’re ready for some new songs!

Well, that’s a wrap. Now for more of our concert photos:

ARCH ENEMY

EXODUS

ARSIS

MUTINY WITHIN

This post is a two-fer.  Part 2 concerns the photo above and the story in UK’s The Independent that it accompanied.  But first, Part 1:  Elise over at the excellent Reign in Blonde site put up an initial list of 2010 winter/spring tours rolling through the NYC area that she’s stoked about, and asked “What’s on your calendar?” On our NW METAL CALENDAR page, we’ve got a pretty complete list of tours scheduled for touch-down in the Seattle area so far, and here are a few I’m particularly psyched about:

JAN 26:  Hypnose, Revocation, Binary Code

JAN 27:  Nile, Immolation, Krisiun

FEB 6:  Arch Enemy, Exodus, Arsis, Mutiny Within

APR 21:  Finntroll, Moonsorrow, Swallow the Sun, Survivors Zero

Gonna be some serious headbanging at those shows.

Now for Part 2:  A year ago The Independent reported the results of a psychological survey of 36,000 music lovers.  (OK, yeah, it’s old news, but I just saw the story.) The survey showed a definite correlation between people’s personality traits and the style of music they enjoy. Check it out:

Fans of indie music, for instance, were found to have low self-esteem and little motivation, but described themselves as creative. Rap enthusiasts, on the other hand, tend to think a lot of themselves and are extremely outgoing. . . . But the study’s most remarkable discovery is that refined lovers of classical music share a high number of personality traits with those who prefer rocking out to heavy metal.

And here is the study’s summary of classical and metal lovers’ personality traits:

Classical: Classical music lovers have high self-esteem, are creative and at ease with themselves, but not outgoing.

Heavy metal: Very creative and at ease with themselves, but not very outgoing or hard-working.

Kinda cool right up til the end, huh?