This is just a mish-mash of funny shit we saw over the last 24 hours. I had planned to be talking about some new music today, but the demands of my day job kinda screwed over those plans, so there’ll be a slight delay until tomorrow. So yeah, today’s post is more or less filler. Forgive us.

MACHINE HEAD FIRES SAN DIEGO

First up, this kinda bizarre piece of news about Oakland metal band Machine Head (pictured above):

MACHINE HEAD frontman Robb Flynn has revealed that his band has “fired” the city of San Diego, and will never play there again. He tells Rock Radio DJ David “The Captain” Grant, “A lot of crowds are awesome. But if we’re playing San Diego, we’re not going to go on the radio and say, ‘San Diego crows are awesome’ — because they’re not. They’re beat. That’s MACHINE HEAD slang for ‘We don’t like them.’ They don’t come to a show and rage and go crazy. They come to a show and say, ‘Okay… this is cool. Oh, I like this song.’ We’re not into that. I don’t know why they come to a rock show with that kind of attitude. So we don’t go to San Diego anymore. They’re fired.”

This is the first time we can remember a band deciding to fire a whole city. Sure, bands have been known to write off a particular venue where they had a shitty experience, or refusing to participate in a particular tour because of bad experiences with a particular promoter.  But giving the finger to an entire city’s worth of fans? Maybe this is a manifestation of that NoCal – SoCal rivalry that’s been around since California became a state. Or maybe there’s more to this story than meets the eye.

But we’re guessing that now, the feeling’s mutual. Maybe some enterprising photographer will figure out a way to arrange a shot of all metal fans in San Diego gathered in a stadium and flipping the bird at Machine Head. (more after the jump, including some embarrassment about Ozzy and some wet-your-pants funny shit about Tiger Woods . . .)

WHAT THE FUCK?!? (Part 2)

Not long ago, in a post we called What the Fuck?!?, we reported about the latest developments in the bizarro legal actions in Sweden and Norway involving Relapse Records and current or former members of Gorgoroth (Infernus, Gaahl, King Ov Hell). You may remember that the Gorgoroth paper-pushing donnybrook began when Gaahl and King sneakily filed papers in the Norwegian patent office in an effort to claim ownership of Gorgoroth’s name and logo. That spawned a successful lawsuit by Infernus to cancel the trademark rights awarded to Gaahl and King by the patent office.

Well, we’ve got our own long-running U.S. version of the same kind of bullshit over the rights to the name “Black Sabbath.”

According to the New York Post, a Manhattan federal judge ruled yesterday (Thursday, February 25) that Ozzy Osbourne can proceed with his lawsuit against guitarist Tony Iommi over use of the Black Sabbath name. Turns out that in April 1999, Iommi filed papers with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office claiming ownership of the name “Black Sabbath” and was awarded trademark rights to the name. So, in May 2009 — only 10 years later — Ozzy filed suit claiming that Iommi acted illegally and seeking a 50% interest in the trademark rights and a portion of the profits that Iommi has allegedly earned from his use of the name.

It appears that Iommi had filed a motion to have the suit dismissed on the ground that Ozzy had signed away his rights to the name when he left Black Sabbath in 1979, and it appears the judge rejected that motion. So, the suit proceeds. Here’s part of a statement previously released by Ozzy (or more likely his legal eagles):

“As of the mid-1990s, after constant and numerous changes in band members, the brand of ‘BLACK SABBATH‘ was literally in the toilet and Tony Iommi (touring under the name BLACK SABBATH) was reduced to performing in clubs. Since 1997, when Geezer [Butler, bass], Bill[Ward, drums] and myself rejoined the band, BLACK SABBATH has returned to its former glory as we headlined sold-out arenas and amphitheatres playing to upwards of 50,000 people at each show around the world. We worked collectively to restore credibility and bring dignity back to the name ‘BLACK SABBATH,’ which led to the band being inducted into the U.K. and U.S. Rock And Roll Hall of Fames in 2005 and 2006, respectively.”

It’s really nice to know that here in the good ol’ U.S. of A., our over-the-hill metal stars are just as capable of rooting around in the legal pig trough with as as much gusto as over-the-hill black metal icons in Norway. One more reason (in addition to dozens of others) why we really don’t give a fuck what Ozzy or any other current or former members of Black Sabbath are up to these days. As far as we’re concerned, Black Sabbath is still in the toilet, still swirling slowly down the drain to poopville. Ozzy “restoring credibility” and “bringing dignity” back to the Black Sabbath name? In what universe has that been happening?

“TIGER WOODS ANNOUNCES RETURN TO SEX”

Okay, this has nothing to do with metal. But it’s just so fucking hysterical that we couldn’t resist sharing.

We don’t read The Onion except when someone sends us a link. Not enough metal in The Onion. But yesterday one of our buds sent us a link to The Onion’s satirical take on Tiger Woods’ recent press conference, in which he woodenly read a prepared statement “sincerely” apologizing for his many sexual adventures with women who weren’t his wife, explaining that he was being treated for “sexual addiction,” and announcing his return to the spiritual truths of Buddhism. That whole performance was, in a word, vomitous.

The Onion’s version of the press conference is so much better than the scripted horseshit that actually happened.  Here are a few excerpts from The Onion’s “report,” but you really need to read the whole thing here if you want to laugh til you pee yourself:

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—In an announcement highly anticipated by sex fans around the world, Tiger Woods told a small gathering of reporters, family, and lovers Friday that the most dominant fornicator on the planet would soon return to sex.

“Not being able to get out there and have sex has really been tough on me,” Woods said. “I’ve missed it. I love fucking with all my heart.”

Woods said that during his brief time away from sex, he couldn’t stop thinking about one day resuming his daily regimen of sexual intercourse with random women who look vaguely like his wife, only skankier.

“When I am out there having sex, I am in complete control,” said Woods, an acknowledged master of the long game who claims he is only truly at peace when he is between the legs of a woman. “It’s just me and my thoughts. And a high-end escort. And the lounge dancer. And sometimes [caddie] Stevie. And probably some stewardess I just met.”

. . . .

During his announcement, Woods released an aggressive touring schedule that reaffirmed his commitment to sex. He is slated to take part in a three-day lovemaking session in March at the Clarion Hotel in Orlando, and confirmed that he would join a foursome at the Doral Resort and Spa in Miami as a tune-up for his first major fuckfest in Augusta, GA.

In addition, Woods said he will not renege on his annual stop in Dubai, and said he looked forward to boning a prostitute on the roof of this year’s venue, the Burj Al Arab Hotel.

The 34-year-old sexual superstar said he is “far from satisfied” by his previous erotic achievements and that he expects to return to sex even stronger than before. However, Woods admitted he may not be in top form at first.

“I’ll probably be a little rusty,” Woods said. “But once I swing the old cock around a few times and get it in the first couple holes, I’m confident that I’ll still be able to drive it as deep as I always have. . . .”

We apologize in advance for the following post. It’s the latest bizarro episode in the long-running soap opera that Gorgoroth has become. We can’t think of why it would have any redeeming value for you. But the story is just so fucking ridiculous that we couldn’t resist.

The immediate controversy concerns the release by Swedish label Regain Records of a live performance by black-metal legends Gorgoroth and a resulting lawsuit brought against Regain by former Gorgoroth members Gaahl and King ov Hell. Over the last week, Gaahl and King, on the one hand, and Regain, on the other, have engaged in a MySpace exchange over the resolution of that legal case — and someone is either lying or deeply confused.

Just in case you might not find this as funny as we do, we’ll give you the Cliff Notes version of the exchange first — but to appreciate the full, whacked-out hilarity you would need to read the details supplied after the jump.  Cliff Notes version:

Gaahl/King opening salvo: Fuck you Regain Records!

Rejoinder by Regain: No, fuck you, you corpse-painted morons!

Reply by Gaahl/King: I beg to differ — fuck you, you pencil-necked bean-counters!

Now, the details . . . (after the jump)

DETAILED BIZARRO CHRONOLOGY:

September 2007:  Without the knowledge of Gorgoroth founder Infernus, Gaahl and King file trademark paperwork in the Norwegian patent office to claim ownership of Gorgoroth‘s name and logo.

October 2007: Infernus discovers the Gaahl/King trademark application, announces the band has split up, and vows legal action.

December 2007: Norwegian patent office awards trademark rights to Gaahl/King. “The battle is over,” Gaahl told Revolver. ”Neither I nor Gaahl is thinking about it at all at this point,” King added. “It’s over. It’s all over.” Regain Records vows to support Infernus and backs his challenge to the trademark award.

June 2008: Regain releases True Norwegian Black Metal – Live in Grieghallen. According to a press release, the CD was recorded live at Grieghallen in Bergen, Norway by Eirik “Pytten” Hundvin and featured Infernus on bass and guitar, Gaahl on vocals, and Garghuf on drums.

July 2008: Gaahl and King go to court in Sweden and apparently obtain a preliminary injunction stopping the marketing and sale of the Live in Grieghallen album until the court resolves the Gaahl/King claim that the release of the album required their consent, which was not given.

September 2008: Infernus sues King, challenging the validity of King’s trademark application for the Gorgoroth name.

March 2009: Infernus apparently wins his lawsuit.  According to a posting on his MySpace page:  ”The court has decided that King ov Hell‘s trademark registration of the band name GORGOROTH is NOT valid and shall therefore be deleted. The court states that King ov Hell and Gaahl excluded themselves from the band GORGOROTH when they tried to fire Infernus in October 2007. The court further states that Infernus cannot be excluded from GORGOROTH, unless he himself decides to quit.”

June 2009: Current Gorgoroth frontman Pest re-records the vocals on True Norwegian Black Metal – Live in Grieghallen, and those vocals are to be used in place of Gaahl‘s original vocals for a planned re-issue of the album.

December 2009: The Swedish court finally decides the dispute over Regain‘s release of Live in Grieghallen.  But what exactly did the court do? Depends on who you believe.  To be specific:

February 9, 2010: First up, here’s the statement posted by King and Gaahl on the MySpace page of God Seed, their post-Gorgoroth project:

“On December 17, 2009, authorities in Malmö, Sweden decided in favor of King and Gaahl in their case brought against Regain Records for the unauthorized release of GORGOROTH‘s ‘Live in Grieghallen’ album. Regain Records has been found to have broken their contract withKing/Gaahl on numerous accounts, has been forbidden by the courts to sell this album in the future and has been ordered to pay all legal costs and compensation in the case.

“In anticipation of the verdict, Regain Records filed bankruptcy to Lund Tingsrett in Sweden and was declared bankrupt on December 8, 2009 (Regain Records and Entertainment AB corporate identity number 556689-1825). Peter Överman from Ackordcentralen, Sweden is named as liquidator and is now working on getting an overview of Regain‘s financial situation as well as handling the claims from Gaahl and King on unpaid royalties, among other claims.”

February 10, 2010: And now, here’s the statement from Regain Records, posted on its MySpace page:

“Due to misleading rumors being spread through GOD SEED‘s MySpace page regarding the bankruptcy of Regain Records, we would like to clarify to all who have contacted us recently that Regain Records is not in bankruptcy.

“We would also like to make clear that the dispute that concerns ‘Live In Grieghallen’ only involves Tom Cato Visnes (a.k.a. King Ov Hell), Regain Records and Entertainment AB, since a settlement with Kristian Espedal (a.k.a. Gaahl) was already reached in 2009. The legal outcome of this trial has no bearing on Regain Records nor does it influence our future in any way. It is also incorrect that Regain Records owes any unpaid royalties to Tom Cato Visnes or Kristian Espedal.

“Furthermore, Regain Records is very content with the fact that we are still working with the band GORGOROTH and the fact that we choose to support the rightful owner of the trademark, namely Roger Tiegs (a.k.a.Infernus). This has always been our main priority during the various legal proceedings which have involved GORGOROTH in one way or another.”

February 10, 2010: Gaahl and King then posted the following reply on the God Seed MySpace page:

“Concerning Regain Records and their statement about the ‘Live in Grieghallen’ court decision: The statement made regarding the court decision over ‘Live in Grieghallen’ can be verified as a matter of record. God Seed stands behind the statement made by MySpace blog on February 9, 2010 as true and correct. Facts regarding Regain Records bankruptcy filing can be verified on public records at this web address. Regain’s bankruptcy filing occurred prior to the court decision and their reasons for filing are strictly their own.”

Uh, something does not compute. Who won the trial? Does it or doesn’t it affect Regain‘s ability to sell Live in Grieghallen — which by the way still doesn’t appear available for sale via Regain or any of the usual third-party sellers. Does Regain owe royalties to King or Gaahl or not? Is Regain in bankruptcy or isn’t it?

Would someone please read Hideous Gnosis and tell us if they have a paper on this subject?

We think we’ve figured out at least one thing after all this nonsense: Gorgoroth and God Seed may still be putting out good music, but it seems like the people involved have pretty well forfeited any right to claim they’re trve, kvlt, grymm, or krieg. Sheesh!

And because we provided some eye-candy for the dudes yesterday, we’re gonna show how even-handed we are and start off today with some eye candy for the ladies. Feast your orbs on this delicacy:

Okay, so it’s licorice-flavored eye candy.

This handsome Norwegian is named Gaahl. That’s not the name his momma and daddy gave him. They liked the name Kristian, as in Kristian Eivind Espedal. But when Kristian started playing black metal circa 1993, he must have decided it would be better to have a name that sounded like throat-clearing. And voila! Gaahl!

As you black metalists out there well know, Gaahl is one of the more notorious figures in a fairly notorious genre. During his ten-year stretch with Norwegian black metal band Gorgoroth, he was imprisoned for assault in Norway in 2002, and then imprisoned for a second nine-month stint in 2006 for allegedly assaulting and torturing a man for six hours while collecting his blood into a cup and threatening to make him drink it. (read more after the jump . . .)

And then there was the infamous 2004 concert in Krakow, Poland, that featured impaled sheep’s heads, satanic symbols, and a mock crucifixion performed by naked models doused in blood.

Poland isn’t the kind of place where you want to stage that kind of entertainment. Poland has laws that make it a crime to engage in conduct offensive to people’s religious beliefs. (More about that tomorrow in Part 2 of this post.) And that sheep’s head thing suggested there might have been some cruelty to animals too

So, there was a police investigation, but no charges were filed, apparently because the band convinced the authorities they weren’t Poles and didn’t know what they were doing was illegal.

Then, in 2005, Gaahl drew some further attention to himself by saying this in a 2005 documentary film about Norwegian black metal:

“Church burnings are, of course, a thing that I support one hundred percent. It should have been done much more, and will be done much more in the future. We have to remove every trace from what Christianity, and the semitic roots, have to offer this world.”

Wait, wait — there’s more. In October 2007, Gaahl and Gorgoroth’s bassist King ov Hell tried to kick founding member Infernus out of the band and take the Gorgoroth name for themselves.

That led to what? What do you think? A cage fight with axes? Nope. It led to litigation. And in 2009 the Oslo City District Court ruled for Infernus and decided that Gaahl and King ov Hell had excluded themselves from the band. In layman’s terms, instead of fucking Infernus, they had fucked themselves.

Oh yeah, Gaahl also came out of the closet in 2008. The dude is gay.

That whole church-burning thing has surfaced again this week in a weird context (at least it seems pretty fucking weird to me, in an ironic sort of way). There’s going to be a first-ever black metal musical (Svartediket) staged in May at an annual international music and cultural festival held in Bergen, Norway. And it’s going to be staged at one of Norway’s oldest and most renowned theaters.

And guess who’s joined the cast of the musical? Yep, you guessed it: Gaahl! Show tunes anyone?

Word of all this just hit the Norwegian press, and it’s causing a bit of a front-page stir, particularly because Gaahl decided to re-up on his church burning pronouncements in an interview during the last week:

“Christianity has no place in this country. As long as the church has the power it has and supports oppression, we sholudn’t give the church any sympathy. Therefore I don’t think it’s wrong if it (church burning) happens again. The symbolic value of burning down churches is important.”

Really? I can certainly understand the perspective that says organized religion (or even unorganized religion) is abusive and oppressive, has caused lots of human suffering over many centuries, has consistently provided a vehicle for some people to dictate the thoughts and actions of others, etc., etc.

But if you take Gaahl at all seriously (and I’m really not sure I do), he seems to have overlooked the fact that religion doesn’t live in the church. It lives in the mind.

I tend to think that even if religions had never existed, human beings would have found other tools and pretexts for manipulating, enslaving, abusing, and destroying each other — and in fact we have. But that’s not my real point (and I hear you saying, “There’s a point? We thought you’d never get to it!”).

My point is that you can’t burn ideas. Burning churches, synagogues, mosques, and even people won’t destroy ideas or beliefs, even really bad ones. The only way to combat bad ideas or destructive beliefs is with better ideas. Unfortunately, that’s a lot harder than putting the torch to the symbols of what you detest.

But this is a two-way street. There’s another side to this coin. [Insert further metaphors.] But enough for today. We’ll get to the other side of the coin/street tomorrow in Part 2 of this post.

In the meantime, how about a musical interlude? With the release last fall of Gorgoroth’s latest album, Quantos Possunt ad Satanitatem Trahunt, old Infernus proved that he didn’t need Gaahl or King to continue turning out ass-kicking black metal. Stream a little taste of licorice from QPAST:

Gorgoroth: Prayer