Mar 222012

No Stvpid “Delvxe” Or “Limited” Editions!

Not Black Metal, Bvt Pretty Kvlt

What’s vp, yov feeble-minded hvmans? Has everyone been listening to tr00 n’ kvlt black metal? Yov’ve got to be listening to tr00 n’ kvlt black metal, or yov ain’t welkome arovnd here. All ov yov scene kids and -kore kvnts can rvn back to yovr  holy holey friends and bawl like a baby for all Rev. Will cares—ONLY TR00 N’ KVLT BLACK METAL SHALT BE TOVCHED VPON HERE.

By the keratin goodness ov Satan’s goat horns I swear, I shall khristian my anti-kore krvsade “The Lvciferian March Ov Diabolikal Radioaktive Yadabradabra Khristflakkin’ Volkanik Tortvre Ov Blasphemy” and embark on its virgin qvest ov desekration akross the kommercially-driven sovndskape ov the modern metal mvsik indvstry once I prokvre enovgh war fvnds from trvsty warriors ovt there.

I know, many ov yov are bvsy with yovr day jobs as meek data klerks and salesmen, and perhaps even the okkasional rich bvt vseless fat boy who jvst got grovnded by his bvsinessman dad, so I will extend the deadline to the seventh date ov Blvshreck, at exaktly, I repeat, exaktly 9 O’Klokk, 9 minvtes and 9 sekonds dvring daybreak. No more, no less.

Now that I have gotten that ovt ov my pagan system, let’s talk abovt one ov Rev. Will’s most hated phenomena in the realm ov kommercial mvsik—the “delvxe” or “limited” edition that yovr typikal Maiden and Metallika albvms are svre to have.

Don’t yov jvst hate this disgvsting money-grvbbing taktik that the Warner Bros. and Roadrvnner marketing exekvtives love koming vp with on a daily basis??? Bvt wait, even the go-to extreme metal labels are doing it now too!!! I spit my gooey and goat-flavored phlegm on the flyers ov Atomik Blast Rekords and the likes. What is this?! WHAT IS THIS?!?! WHAT IN THE NAME OV FENRIZ’s FORESKIN IS THIS?!?!?!

Black metal is svpposed to be the abhorrent and vgly mvsik ov the Devil! The sonik embodiment ov all things karnal and immoral! It shovld be low-fi and repvgnantly raw enovgh to repel all bvt 0.0000000001% ov the popvlation ovt there. Mass prodvktion shovld never have been vtilized for it! What’s wrong with jvst keeping it at 50 kopies in cirkvlation? Hang on, that aktvally saves me money and avtomatikally makes every “standard” kopy ov the rekord “delvxe” or “limited” edition… Well, whatever.

There’s no way in goat hell Satan is gonna vse these pathetik sovls as His instrvments to spread His words ov power. Oh, the blind fools. If only they kovld see what I see, for I am one ov the chosen few who dwells in the misanthropik pits ov hvman misery all day long and prides himself for being able to see hvmanity’s glaring flaws. Hvbris bekomes a natvral part ov me, and so does the eventval realization that I am better than the majority ov mankind.

Oh, have yov gvys seen what my good friends at Watain did with their most recent magnvm opvs, Lawless Darkness? Very kvlt ritval pack!

Sweet, eh?

Which reminds me, I got so inspired by them that I decided to kome vp with my very own ritval toolkit! No more long hovrs spent on skovring antiqve or sekond-hand shops for the long-ovt-of-print Satanik Bible, the widely banned Ovija board, and trve tarot kards. Everything except real animal blood kan be fovnd in my toolkit!

This awesome kollektion ov okkvltik items konsists of:

1 X goat-hide tome ov Rev. Will’s “Gvide to Being a Kvlt Metalhead: From Flabby to Flabbier”

1 X reinterpreted version ov Anton LaVey’s Satanik Bible (repackaged with new liner notes from me and a free pentagram keychain!)

1 X Ovija board with a free 999-shaped planchette (in the style ov British NWoBHM band, Hell’s logo) provided

2 X Tarot kard sets (extra set thrown in with the kareless metalhead in mind)

6 X steak-scented ritval kandles, each 9.99cm in length

1 X Rev. Will’s kvstomized lighter with a special logo engraving on its stainless steel kasing

1 X foldable miniatvre WAO AB-666K Abbath Signatvre battleaxe (krafted by the renowned Norwegian armory, Northern Kold Inc.)

1 X Jon Nödtveidt tooth pendant (I know many ov yov will KILL for this! Restrikted to 28 pieces only!!)

3 X 50% diskovnt vouchers for The Korpsepaint Shop

1 X Rev. Will’s debvt demo, “Axing the Delvxe and Limited”, released by Kold Forests Prodvktions

This amazing assortment ov kvlt rarities easily thrashes those “delvxe” or “limited” editions any day, doesn’t it? So what are yov all waiting for?

Leave yovr komments here if yov are interested in ordering this package deal. Only 999 scene kid/-core kid heads per order!*

*Which translates to arovnd VS$99.90.

EDITOR’S NOTE: We thank NCS guest writer Rev. Will for this post. Consideration was paid for this promotional feature. Special package not available to employees of NCS or their family members. Limit one per customer.

17 Responses to “REV. WILL’S RITVAL TOOLKIT, OVT NOW!”

  1. Ben says:

    Where can I place my preorder? SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!

  2. Quite impressive. But, one shall make do with ritualistically sacrificing a 3:1 mixtures of Mountain Dew & Apple Juice and 3 mosquito corpses to the cold & rotting abyss of one’s water closet every 6 months instead.

    Although, one must say that it doesn’t seem to have done much over the past 5 years. One can’t even remember what it’s supposed to do. Any idea what the purpose of one’s ritual is?

  3. groverXIII says:

    Trying to read all those V’s made my brain hurt. I’M SO VNKVLT.

    Please tell me that you typed this out like normal and then used Find And Replace on all the U’s rather than typing the whole thing like this.

    • Phro Nut Zipper says:

      But, on the other hand, how freaking awesome would it be if he paid a black metal band who only sold 50 copies
      to do it for him!?!?

      • Ben says:

        I was kinda thinking he just drank a gallon of goat blood and went full kvlt*.

        *You should never go full kvlt, there’s no coming back.

        • Rev. Will Proto-meditates says:

          I am aktvally kvrrently vnderstvdying le Vegan Black Metal Chef, hence, le me doesn’t hvrt cvte animals!

      • Rev. Will Proto-meditates says:

        Yeah, they ripped me off. Instead of jvst 3 -kore kid heads like we agreed, the bastards took my prized piece of Dead’s skvll.

    • Rev. Will Proto-meditates says:

      Almost right you are! I did that, but I still had to manually comb through the entire article to make sure certain alphabets were not compromised, like the ‘c’ in the word “except” for example, because “exkept” is simply unpronounceable.

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