May 022010

For those of you out there who don’t read Metal Sucks, or just haven’t gone by that site in the last few days, you may not have seen the following video. Usually, this isn’t the kind of thing we put up here at NCS, but this is just so fucking funny we can’t resist the need to share.

It’s a video ad for a company called Cold Steel that makes swords, and the subject of the ad is the biggest sword they make, called “The Two-Handed Great Sword.” Yep, you read that correctly. It’s an ad for a big fucking sword. And the ad consists of a bunch of mainly pot-bellied dudes hacking the shit out of all sorts of things — pig’s heads and carcasses, a cow head, blocks of ice and concrete, a pair of cowboy boots with meat inside to stiffen em up (?!?), bamboo, you name it. And all the action is set to some generic hard rock and metal instrumentals.

But what really makes this such a laff-til-you-pee experience are the occasional enthusiastic sales pitches by the dorkiest-looking meat-bag in the video. You can tell he’s the head honcho because he wears a tie while whacking away at all those objects that are just crying out to be severed.  Now, you might have a hard time figuring out the point of spending money on a big fucking sword, but that’s just because you haven’t heard all the excellent reasons this dude will give you. You’ll never think about home protection products the same way again. And who needs to buy meat at a grocery store? Just buy your own sides of beef and butcher ’em yourself!

You can purchase a Two-Handed Great Sword here for $549.99, plus tax and shipping. Or not.

  2 Responses to “OH SHIT!”

  1. Hah, I remember laughing at this back when I was researching which sword to buy.

    My old flatmate brought a cavalry sabre from them (we’re all sword nuts) and it was well-made, but historically inaccurate and inaccurate for the pictures on the website. I would not buy from them myself. Wulflund is the man.

    • Well, thank you for helping me to discover Wulflund. That’s one unusual web site. I’m not actually in the market for a sword (a couple years ago, some friends of mine gave me a Claymore that’s almost five feet long, and I think that will do). But I do admire the product descriptions, eg, “Celtic Sword, battle ready.” What really caught my eye was the menu item called “Old Slavs.” I bet you can’t even buy one of them on eBay.

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