We’ll have another installment in our Finland Tribute Week series shortly (hint: it involves sword-bearers), but first, I can’t resist sharing the latest exchange with my new would-be benefactor from The Ivory Coast. Because “resistance is futile” is one of my personal mottos.
Chapter 1 of this latest exchange was just three days ago. It involved an e-mail from a 21-year old orphan named Rose Ture who sought my assistance in saving her from her murderous uncles, bringing her to the U.S. to continue her education, and managing the wise investment of a $7.5 million inheritance (!) from her late parents, who were killed in a car accident.
It took her no time at all to respond to my reply message (and to send me the photo above). A few things about her response are making me just a tiny, tiny bit suspicious, but she looks honest, doesn’t she? So, I decided to follow up. Here’s her e-mail and my reply.
From: Rose Ture <email@example.com>Date: December 8, 2010 1:26:59 AM PSTTo: Islander <firstname.lastname@example.org>Subject: Greetings From Rose Ture
Greetings From Rose Ture
How are you doing today?
It gave me happiness to read your message , As I told you it gave me concern on how to invest the money alone because I don’t have a good knowledge of investment. Beside I want to continue my school immediately I arrive over your country because I want to be a medical doctor in future I stopped my school since the death of my father because no body is taking care of me so please I am in need of your help. I don’t have knowledge of investment and banking system I will like you to understand first that I want you as my guardian to receive the money in your account hence my biological father is dead. I want you to take this transaction as your own business because I will entrusted everything under your care.
I will be happy if you can be able to explain more about you and your country because I have plan to come over to your country immediately the money is transfer to your account, I am now staying in the hotel since I come to this country because of my life because I am afraid.
For my brief introduction:
Name: Rose Ture
I was born 1989
Father Name: Late Mr.Joseph Ture
Mother Name: Late Mrs.Rabil Ture
I have no sister no brother
I am citizen of Republic of (Sierra – Leone) but I am now in (Abidjan Cote d’Ivoire in west Africa) Where the money was deposited, I am in the hotel contacting you I am just using the secretary computer writing you.
Remember what I told you that my late father was a gold and cocoa merchant based in Accra, Ghana and Abidjan ( Ivory Coast ), he was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their business trips recently, I am explaining all this to you to avoid mistake.
Dear , I really want you to know that I am seriously eager to move the money and come over to your country because of my school, beside I don’t have physical cash here because the bank management said that they will not access me to the deposit until I complete their initiated procedure because of the deposit nature. My late father deposited the money in a fixed deposit and the bank said that before I will have access to the money or to withdraw, that the deposit agreement bond must be broken in order to grant me automatic access to the fund that I must provide some documents to enable them break the deposit this is the reason why I contacted you so that you will help me work with the bank to know what it will cost to release and transfer the money to your account. And I will like the process to be automatic since that everything is legal and legitimate.
Now I will like you to send me your information’s below so that I will go and submit it to the bank for the processing of the money transfer to your account immediately I receive your information I will proceed by going to the bank to submit it to the bank and also tell the bank about you that you are my partner who is going to receive the money so that they can start the process immediately as I have already discuss with the bank director and they promised to start to give us the procedure when they receive your information, Below is how your information’s is needed,
Your Full Name:……………….
Your Home and Office Address:………………
Your Telephone and Fax Number and your photo:……………..
Any copy of your identity card, such as copy of your driving licence, OR any copy of your ID card and your account information were the money will be transfer into.
The bank need the bellow information from you to register your name in the bank and to give us the procedure, As I told you I am staying in the hotel since I come to this country my country is (Sierra – Leone), So please keep in touch and keep every thing secret so that we can work with one mind to get the money release for me to be coming to your country to start my new life and education.
Get back to me with your information urgently so that I will know exactly what to do next, keep in touch and have a nice day I hope to see you soonest. Trust and relationship believe me i am for real. Remember i have made up my mind for you will be taking 15% after the money is transfer to your account and don’t forget to send me your picture
I expect your urgent response
Bye and take care
I hope to see you soonest.
Hey Rose — and I hope I can call you Rose, seeing as how I’m about to become your guardian — that was a really fast response! And let me tell you, no bullshit, I’m just as fucking eager as you are to have all that money transferred to my bank account. Really eager. Like, wishing-I’d-had-it-yesterday eager.
And thanks for the hot pic. It’s sincerely lovely. Only problem with that photo is that it absolutely guarantees my wife would go Lorena Bobbitt on my ass if you came to live with me, except it wouldn’t be my ass that would be in jeopardy, if you know what I mean. So, to repeat what I wrote you last time, coming to live with me is a stone cold no-go.
Now, you could still come over here to the U.S. of A., immediately. Like I said before, I could set you up in a Motel 6 in South Florida, no problem. But since we rapped at each other the last time, I’ve gotten an even better idea. See, there’s this reader of our NCS site named Phro who would just jump out of his jock to help you out. The dude actually teaches English, and you definitely need some English tutoring. As hot as you look, I’m pretty fuckin sure that U.S. medical schools don’t admit people who don’t use periods in their writing and talk about “bellow” information. The fuck is bellow information anyway?
Plus, Phro seems to be some kind of film-maker, and I bet he could give you an alternate career path if that medical school thing doesn’t work out for you. Plus, he’s got a pet octopus. That sounds cool, doesn’t it? I hear octopi make great pets. Plus, Phro says he would study up on weird Asian martial arts so’s he could fuck up your uncles beyond recognition if they tried to track you down. It’s sounds just about perfect, doesn’t it?
Course, to take advantage of all those pluses, you’d have to go to Japan, cuz that’s where Phro is living and working these days. That’s cool, isn’t it? You could become bilingual. Why settle for one lingual when you can have two? So, shoot me an e-mail back and confirm you’ll be ready to hop a plane to Japan once I get the money so’s you can start getting educated and become a major film star and learn about octopus management while you gear up for med school.
There’s just a few little, tiny, itty-bitty problems I’ve got with your message to me. Like, the first time you wrote, you said your parents were killed in a car accident. This time, you said your dad was fucking poisoned by business associates. I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation, like maybe he was poisoned and that caused him to have a car accident? Anyway, try to clear that up for me.
Then, there’s that part about me sending all that fucking personal info so that bank can “give us the procedure”. See, that’s what worries me, cuz I’ve got a fucking low opinion of bankers, and I’m pretty sure if I send ’em the info you’re asking for, the procedure they’d give me would be a rebar colonoscopy without an anesthetic. But just to show you I’m not trying to hide anything, here’s a picture of me.
Last, itsy-bitsy, eenie-weenie, tiny little problem: That thing you said about me getting 15% of the $7.5 million. See, I thought I’d be responsible for ALL the money, not 15%. Shit, in our country, 15% is what you give a fuckin waiter for bringing your fuckin wings and beer to the table pronto. You’re asking me to be your fuckin guardian, risking life and limb because of those murderous douchebag uncles of yours, and you’re only talking 15%? No. Fucking. Way.
So shoot me a mail back and confirm that the whole fucking $7.5 million is mine to manage wisely in my own lucrative business. And lemme know about the Phro idea. It’s either him or the Motel 6 in South Florida. Hurry! Your uncles could be outside your hotel room right now!
Also, although your picture is hot, it would be even hotter if it was a photo of you holding a NO CLEAN SINGING sign. Nothing fancy, hand-made would be fine. Just some proof that you’re as eager to partner up with me as you say you are.
P.S. Like you said, I’m still keeping all this secret. Don’t worry. Your uncles won’t find out where you are. No one will see this.