Mar 062011

A conversation among the members of Kvelertak
Friday night, March 4, 2011
The Burger King, Oslo Central Station
Oslo, Norway

(translated from the Norwegian)

Vidar: “Did you get me the Double Whopper with cheese like I asked?”

Erlend: “Of course dude. You think I’m a fuckin’ moron? Just cuz we’re eatin’ in an American fast-food shithole doesn’t mean I’ve suddenly become as stupid as Americans who eat this kind of food.”

Marvin: “Do we really have time to eat? Shouldn’t we be moving our asses onto the train? I really don’t wanna miss this flight to the U.S. I’m so stoked about this tour!”

Erlend: “Fuckin’ chill, dude. Our flight doesn’t leave for two hours. We got plenty of time. We can carbo-load here at the BK, catch the train to the airport, and be on board with time to spare.”

Kjetil: “I can’t believe we’re about to eat all this shit. Erlend, you do this every time you smoke a bowl. It’s like some kind of special BK blend of weed. You smoke up, and then you make a straight line for the nearest Whopper. Fuck, since we got the Statoil prize, we can afford decent food. Cheap-ass motherfucker.”

Erlend: “Fuck you bro. No way am I gonna sit on that fuckin’ airplane for 9 or 10 hours without gettin’ my smoke on.”

Bjarte: “Erlend, man, you got the passports?”

Erlend: “Of course, I’ve got the fuckin’ passports. You sound like my mom. They’re right here . . . wait . . . fuck! WHERE’S MY FUCKIN’ BACKPACK!!!”  (more after the jump . . .)

Marvin: “What are you talkin’ about dude? What the fuck happened?”

Erlend (now in a dead panic): “MOTHERFUCKER!! WHERE’S MY FUCKIN’ BACKPACK!!!”

Maciek: “Sit the fuck down! Where are our fucking passports?!?”

Erlend: “I came in here by myself. You fucktards were late. I had all of our fuckin’ passports in my backpack. I put the fuckin’ backpack right here, right next to me in that seat where your fat ass is now parked. I went to order the burgers, and now the fuckin’ backpack is gone!”

Bjarte: “Did you really leave the backpack on that seat, here at the table, all by itself, while you went to order the goddamn food? Please tell me you didn’t do that. Please tell me you’re not as stupid as I’ve always thought you were.”

Erlend (beginning to weep): “Fuck, what are we gonna do?”

Marvin: “Wait!! Does this mean we won’t be able to make our flight? What about our fucking tour? We’ll never make it to Seattle in time for the first tour stop!”

Maciek: “Fuck Seattle, what about the 70,000 krone [$12,500] we paid for our motherfuckin’ plane tickets?”

Bjarte (beginning to viciously punch Erlend about the head and shoulders) : “Hey no problem, Erlend can just roll up our fuckin’ plane tickets (punch, punch) and fuckin’ smoke ’em!”

Vidar: “What are we gonna say about this? What are we gonna tell the promoters, and the venues, and our fans? They’re gonna think we’re the biggest bunch of brain-dead slackers on the fuckin’ planet. Goddamit Erlend, I’d like to soak you in lye like a fuckin’ lutefisk.”

Erlend: “Shit, shit, shit!! Hey, I know! Euro bands are always having visa problems with fuckin’ US Homeland Security. We can just say the US government found some kinda problem and wouldn’t let us in!”

Marvin: “And you think the US government will just play along? How much fuckin’ weed did you smoke? No, we ain’t gonna lie about this, because the lie will come out. YOU, Erlend, YOU are going to publicly confess what a fuckup you are. YOU are going to the passport office on Monday and get us new goddamn passports. We might still make it to the States in time for SXSW. And if we can’t get a refund on our plane tickets, I’m gonna get the money back by skinning you alive and selling your skin on eBay.  I can’t fucking believe this.”


Yes, I made up this conversation. However, sadly, I did not make up the fact that on the night of March 4, 2011, Erlend Hjelvik was getting a bite at the Oslo Central Station Burger King, where his backpack containing all of the band’s passports disappeared.

I did not make up the fact that the band paid 70,000 krone for their plane tickets and, at the moment, have no idea whether the money will be applied to new tickets, refunded, or simply be gone forever.

I did not make up the fact that the band’s first stop on their tour with Weedeater and Zoroaster was supposed to be tomorrow night, March 7, here in Seattle — a show I was planning to attend.

I did not make up the fact that in February, Kvelertak won the Norwegian Statoil grant of 1,000,000 Norwegian krone (approximately $180,000) — a prize intended to help promising Norwegian bands on the verge of international breakthrough to succeed internationally.  All of these facts can be verified at this location.

One more footnote: Kvelertak was nominated for two Spellemann awards (the Norwegian equivalent of the Grammy Awards), in the categories of “Best Newcomer” and “Best Rock Album.” The awards ceremony was held last night (Saturday, March 5). Kvelertak won both awards. Maybe they got to attend the award ceremony since they missed their flight to the U.S. Some cats always seem to land on their feet.

This tour poster is no longer accurate. I’m going to console myself now by listening again to the music we put up in today’s other post. Sigh.


I’ve added a few “breaking news” updates in the Comments below. Maybe someone who speaks Norwegian can tell us if the band’s comments in the video of the Spellemann awards included reference to the Burger King incident.

I’ve also decided that since I can imagine the conversation Friday night, I’ll just imagine Kvelertak taking the stage tonight in Seattle before Zoroaster and Weedeater play. Imagination’s a wonderful thing, isn’t it?


  1. While that sucks in more ways than i can put into words…….

    Your write up made me giggle madly!

    • I am really frustrated. It was just pure dumb luck that I saw this story. I guess it’s better than finding out at the door to the venue on Monday night. And although I’m taking out my frustration on Erleèd Hjelvik, I’m sure the guy feels awful. He must have nearly had a stroke when he realized someone had ripped off that backpack.


    I love Kvelertak (obviously.) and even though they weren’t coming anywhere close to me, this makes me very sad. I hope to one day be Kveleratked, but stolen passports are a big setback, Spellman or no.

    • The Norwegian passport office must have some kind of procedure for expediting passport replacements in an emergency, but who knows if this will qualify as an emergency, and who knows how US immigration will react to anything that looks temporary, or whether Kvelertak will run into entry visa issues since their arrival is delayed. This whole tour may wind up in the shitter.

  3. FUCK!!! so, decrepit birth cancelled their gig last night(as well as several others), atheist could barely get their shit together to put on a half decent set on friday, and now this! this was supposed to be a kick ass seattle metal weekend, and it went to shit! this was not the news i wanted. god fucking damnit.

    • Well, don’t get me started. I had plans to see Deicide on Friday night (very tough choice for me between that show and the Atheist show across town) and Kataklysm/All Shall Perish last night, and things didn’t work out like I planned. So I thought, at least I’ll get to see Kvelertak on Monday night. God fucking damnit is right.

  4. Funny.
    his name is Erlend…

    • Ooops. I got the spelling from the Metal Archives page for the band, but you’re right, and it’s wrong. I just fixed all the misspellings in the post. Thanks for the correction.

  5. UPDATE: Looks like Kvelertak did make it to the Spellemann awards show on Saturday night after having their passports stolen. Here’s a video of them with the award backstage. Nice to see that Erlend dressed up for the occasion. None of the guys look too pissed about still being in Norway, but really who could blame them for being in a good mood at this moment?

  6. ONE MORE UPDATE: This message posted 3 hours ago on Kvelertak’s Facebook page: “Good news: Looks like we could be in the states by Friday. Fingers crossed!”

  7. The latest update on our “Kvelertak watch” — this Facebook post by the band on March 9: “Flying in to Oslo, American embassy, for the FIFTH FUCKING TIME in a week. this time they need a new fingerprint. This US tour better be worth it.” And who’s fault is this? 🙂

  8. Another update, a big one, as of March 10, from a Kvelertak Facebook post: “Alright, we’re finally off! Looks like we’ll make the San Francisco gig tomorrow. Thanks to the wonderful people at the American embassy, you really came through and saved our asses!” On behalf of the wonderful people at the American embassy: You’re welcome. 🙂

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