Sep 172011

(Our guest contributor Phro draws inspiration from the most unexpected places, like the names of metal bands — and my last post about fall tours . . . and btw, the photo above has nothing to do with Phro’s post, except sometimes his writing makes me think of Genitorturers. Is that so wrong?)

So, apparently, MetalSucks is trying to out do NoCleanSinging by hosting their very own music festival.  (Copycats.)  It’s cute of them to try, but, I mean, who would you rather see?  Municipal Waste or Massive Wall of Penis?  My point exactly.  Anyway, I took a look at their line up, and I noticed a very…odd…pattern to the definitions behind the band names.  Apparently, every band in all these tours are massive necrozoophilics.  Yeah, that means liking to fuck dead animals.  Just like my uncle Billy Bob.

Seriously, metal community, this shit probably needs to stop.

Municipal Waste – Where you sick fuckers go when the DOT (Department of Transportation) is clean out of dead deer.
God Forbid – What you said when your mom suggested having Fido cremated after he “accidentally” got hit by a car.
Today is the Day – What you promise yourself every morning when you wake up wondering if you’ll finally get the guts to skullfuck that mounted doe head in your father-in-law’s house.  ‘Cause you know it’s been giving you “the eye”.
Howl – What your little dead “date” will never do.
Black Tusk – When you accidentally blow diarrhea all over the elephant tusks you use as butt plugs.
Magrudergrind – The machine you use to puree dead puppies when you beat the DOT to the mess. (more after the jump . . . a lot more . . .)
Ramming Speed – The maximum of which you can only achieve when the deer torso has been split by an 18-wheeler.
Prime Evil – What you named the pick-up you use to “accidentally” kill birds when you’re getting desperate for a good lay.
Cynic – What your father became after finding out you just like fucking dead animals, and you weren’t actually collecting them for satanic rituals.
Obscura – The secret Hindi book you use to learn new positions to fuck animal corpses.  It recommends stalking highways in the mountains at night, since the best temperature to fuck a dead Bambi is about 10 minutes after impact.
The Red Chord – The sound you make when you ejaculate into the crushed chest cavity of a dead rabbit.
A Life Once Lost – What you gon’ be fuckin’ t’night!
Scale the Summit – What you would do to get a crack at that mountain goat when it finally croaks.
Fight Amp – What you use to amplify and then record the sound of your grunts when fucking a dead turkey.
Rosetta – The abbreviated name of the software program you use to learn languages so you can free-travel around the world fucking dead animals.  (You had to pay extra for the lessons on animal anatomy, but it was totally worth it to be able to accurately differentiate bull testicles from boar testicles in Finnish.)
Ultrageist – What you would probably be haunted by if animals had souls.

Well, that’s just a short festival, so not all that exciting.  Apparently, Decapitated is also on a North American Tour.  Fewer bands, but just as…ummm…gross.  You all are gross, gross, gross people.  For shame.

Decapitated – The sexiest kind of kangaroo.
Decrepit Birth – What you hope for whenever you hear your friend’s cat had kittens.
Fleshgod Apocalypse – What you nicknamed that pig you stole right off the BBQ spit to take back your house for some “alone time”.
Rings of Saturn – What your ass looks like after shoving the Black Tusks back in.
The Haarp Machine – Like stirrups for pregnant women, but with more dignity and dead rats.  Used to keep your legs and anus properly open when using a baseball pitching machine to launch dead rats into your rectum.

Just as I got this far in the list, Islander posted some more tours.  So, I guess I’m not done yet.  Yah!

Korpiklaani – What Europeans call the mixture of cum and animal blood splattered on a doe’s face.
Arkona – The sound you made when you realized the badger wasn’t completely dead because it bit your balls.
Polkadot Cadaver – The name of the stuffed leopard you keep in your basement for the winter season.
Forged in Flame – The name of the strap-on that has a battery powered heating filament so you can warm up dog asses when they’ve gone cold.
Winds of Plague – What you hope for every morning, so you can skip work and go looking for dead animals.
Volumes – What your collection of forceps and veterinary books speak about you.
Chelsea Grin – The special smile you get when your friend “Chelsea” tells you about the time she accidentally ran through a gaggle of geese.
As Blood Runs Black – When you accidentally spill the octopus ink you use for lubrication in the blood from the pig’s throat.
For the Fallen Dreams – What you shout every time you masturbate in anger as the DOT beats you to a corpse.
Upon a Burning Body – What you were just masturbating on.  (Don’t worry, it was the pig you named Fleshgod Apocalypse)
In the Midst of Lions – Where you’d like to pick up some dates for Friday night because you love long skinny legs.
Like Moths to Flames – How strongly you’re attracted to taxidermy offices.

  15 Responses to “A LIST OF BAND NAMES”

  1. I’m just throwing this idea out there.

    Phro runs NCS for a week.

    Think about it.

    • ‘scuse me while I go evacuate my stomach after that thought

    • Hell yeah. I second that motion.

    • I’m thinking about it and it scares me.

    • Just the mere thought of that happening made my IQ drop a few points.

    • It’d start well enough, but I promise by the end of the week I’d just start posting reviews of jpop bands and replace all the videos on the site with genki genki promo clips.

      If you somehow escaped genki genki before, just know all the sick shit I write about comes from watching their very real porn.

      • I have to ask, even though I might not want to find out what the answer is.

        How were you before arriving in Japan?

        • Not much different.
          I just have more free time now.

          Oh, and in Japan everyone is subjected to tentacle body cavity searches in the morning. Just so we can have a “safety country”.

          • Ummmm…. doesn’t having to endure jpop have the same effect? In that, I mean having the same traumatic effect.

          • So, if you don’t mind my asking, what brought you to Japan? (Or are you Japanese and I’ve just been assuming you’re American?)

            • You assumed correctly. I doubt many Japanese people could write the English I write. (Too many idioms, etc.)

              I’ve always been interested in east Asia, so I studied Japanese and classical Japanese literature in university and grad school. It just seemed natural to come here after that. Unfortunately, I got stuck teaching English conversation. If you want an idea of the soulsuck it can be, check out my friends blog: http://www.Writing.Com/main/profile/blog/chomonkyo

              I’m getting a better job next month, but the absurdity of being asked, “Does your country have four seasons?” never goes away.

              Still, I like Japan. It’s just that xenophobia is rampant everywhere.

              • Really? I would’ve thought that Japan would have gotten past that. Granted, I am not too familiar with Japanese history, but if I remember correctly, there was a strong sense of xenophobia during the Edo period that seemed as though it had started to fade.

                I’m curious as to how foreigners are treated in Japan, be they regular tourists, anime/manga/game fans on some sort of pilgrimage or people such as yourself who live and work in Japan. You probably have an edge over others there, having studied the language and literature and I imagine you must be fluent enough if you’re teaching English.

                • Xenophobia in Japan is highly dependent on the target’s race. Being non-White SUCKS. Especially for Asians. If a white guy can say “Arigato” he gets a parade. If a Thai guy accidentally mispronounces someone’s esoteric name or uses the wrong inflection of a verb, he gets shouted at for not being able to speak Japanese.

                  The essentialism that says Japan is different and unique and CANNOT be understood by any foreigners, ever, is as strong today as it was 200 years ago. That was used against me by my ex-in-laws. Sad that I understand Japanese culture better than they ever will.

                  About teaching English in Japan, they want non-Japanese speakers. It maintains the image of the exotic foreigner. Under the guise that an all English environment will make them fluent without trying.

                  I sound really bitter…and I kind of am. Still, traditional Japanese culture and literature are awesome. The average Japanese person is no worse than the average person of any country. I’d be saying the same thing anywhere I’m sure.

                  • Well, considering the difficulties with learning English – especially the numerous dialects and that Americans, Brits and Aussies (not just these three, mind you) have different rules, spelling and other differences to contend with – it is probably better to have a native speaker teaching it; I feel that is it easier to translate something to another language than from one. I hope this makes sense to you. I don’t really know of another way to put it.

                    Of course, some things cannot be easily taught and there are some things that only make sense in one understands the context or knows what some of the other factors, such as hand gestures or facial expressions, mean or add to what’s being said. Even knowing a few of these extras can go a long way, providing an additional layer that a translation or good localization isn’t always able to provide.

                    That you have a better understanding of culture and literature than some Japanese does not really suprirse me. Really, just about anywhere you go, you’ll likely find people who are oblivious to such things, not necessarily by ignorance or lack of interest. Still, taking the time to learn at least something about where you are and the people around you should account for something. I’m sure there are a lot of tourists/foreigners who know very little of Japan other than from WWII footage and history books, or for younger people, stuff they’ve seen in video games or the anime that gets some attention here. While Americans are often regarded by others as ignorant people or at the very least introverted as far as world affairs are concerned, there are probably just as many people in other countries that are just as ignorant of our ways as there are those here ignorant of theirs.

                    I must say, though… ’tis a shame that tentacles have been allowed to have their way with you as much as they have so far. At least you haven’t gained an appreciation for some of the other depraved material that Japan’s imagination has spewed forth. I hope not, anyway.

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