Oct 262012

I made this.

For the last 24 hours we’ve done nothing on the site but play videos and write about videos, so why stop now? Maybe we’ll do something different tomorrow, but let’s have one more video before we stumble headlong into the weekend.

I don’t know about you, but most metalheads I know inhale their food. They devour it like hyenas who know that any minute the lions will be dropping by for their turn at the carcass. Just shoveling the food in and swallowing, without bothering to expend much energy on needless activity like chewing.

I don’t mean to exclude myself from this description. I try damned hard never to eat when there’s a mirror in the vicinity, for fear of scaring the shit out of myself.

But this is not how we’re supposed to eat. Nutritionists and weight-loss specialists say that you should eat slowly, using small bites and chewing the food well. They theorize that this gives your body time to realize that you’re getting food into your stomach and produce those hormones that tell your brain, “STOP, YOU GLUTTONOUS FUCK!  YOU’RE FULL!” As opposed to getting those signals only after you’ve rapidly eaten twice what an entire tribe in the Amazon consumes in a week.

Also, when we inhale food, we don’t really taste it. Of course, given the utter crap food that many of us eat, maybe that’s not a bad thing.

The following instructional video demonstrates the proper approach to eating, and possibly to living in general.


There are two ways to react to this video.


The other was articulated by Ben C. (Church of the Riff) who sent me the link: “Look at those big sad eyes, slowly picking apart your weaknesses and looking for the best way to replace that rice ball with your steamed testicles.”

I don’t want to shit on anyone’s warm-and-fuzzies, but having spent a lot of time with the NCS loris horde, protecting your testicles is the safest course. They may look cute, but you never turn your back on a slow loris. They’d just as soon gut you as look at you. Or maybe it’s just me.


  17 Responses to “ENJOY YOUR FOOD”

  1. Gut you with their penises. Through your butt. Donkey punch style.

  2. “…protecting your testicles is the safest course.” One of the many reasons One is considering wearing a jock strap constantly.

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