I received the following e-mail today, with the word “urgently” in the subject line. I replied to it urgently. Because although not one of these people has ever followed through and sent me money, I know that one day it will happen, because people are generous and good and will eventually recognize all the wonderful things I can do with a few million dollars, such as enhance the electrification of the fencing around the loris compound and install the Grolsch beer fountain and pay Fleshgod Apocalypse to move to Seattle and play music for me whenever I want and buy a head so that Phro will stop making fun of me.
From: “Mr Jackie Gallop“<firstname.lastname@example.org>Date: October 27, 2012 8:09:42 AM PDTTo: undisclosed-recipients:;Subject: urgentlyReply-To: <email@example.com>
Report : Investigation revealed that you have received Lot of Payment Notification with requests to secure funds Transfer Documents, Pay Diplomatic fees, Transfer Charges etc, yet all effort to receive the Compensation/Lottery payment lawfully entitled to you, have been to no avail. With the help of the best Internet investigators, The International Monetary Funds IMF we have taken out time in screening through your Compensation/Lottery payment project as stipulated on our protocol of operations.
Prior to series of reports (Email, Fax, Telephone and Mail Post) from beneficiaries across Asia, Europe, America just to mention a few, urging us to investigate these irregularities, Special International Dept Settlement Officers attached to this honorable Institution, The Federal Bureau of Investigation FBI was deployed to various Compensation payment Centers around the world so as to carry out proper.
Your Impending payment is overdue with all funds release arrangements in place. The first Batch of payment; Two million five hundred thousand United States dollars, Credited to Master-card Account No. 5148654789406543 with serial Numbers 2419879 and Reg. No. MCIMJ : 5148/4178 with a daily withdrawal Limit of Ten thousand United States dollars $10,000.00 was approved to be issued to you as a valid International ATM Master-card acceptable in more than a million ATM’s over 210 countries around the World. This ATM card has being approved to be delivered to your doorstep via Registered Courier, no Hidden Charges because all freight/delivery fees have been paid.
However, kindly note this; Under normal circumstances, all beneficiaries are mandated to travel over to Master-card Regional office located at 10 Upper Bank Street Canary Wharf London E14 5NP with valid identification to sign the release documents in person, but the International Monetary Funds (IMF) have advised that all beneficiaries should simply secure a Non Appearance Approval (NAA) as to cut-short traveling expenses. The NAA ascertains the release and subsequent delivery of the Master-card without having you travel over for the signatory of the released documents and attracts a fee of Four hundred and eighty British pounds sterling only (GBP 480.00) which is to be paid by the beneficiary in question. A press conference on Overdue Payment would be broad-casted live on National TV today at 8:am EST- Eastern Standard Time, this should serve as an Official Notification to you to
make contacts with Master-card International for claims, with the (GBP 480.00) Non Appearance Approval fees.
The sole Approved Master-card Claims Administrator’s Contact information’s is indicated below. Having said all this, we advise that you stop further communication with any other individual, office or persons.
For further inquiries do contact your claims Administrator.
Mr Jackie Gallop
MY URGENT REPLY
Hey Jackie, how they hangin?
Actually, I guess I shouldn’t just assume you’re a dude, but I sure hope you are. If you were a chick and had to go through life with a name like Jackie Gallop, that would be some tough times. Though it’s a pretty fucked up name even for a dude. Just sayin’. No offense intended.
So, about your message, I have some advice for you: You need to get better Internet investigators. Not only have I not received “Lot of Payment Notification”, I haven’t received even one. Instead of taking out time from screening through my Compensation/Lottery payment project, you need to put more time into that sucker, ’cause your protocol of operations is for shit.
I apparently have a fuckload of money that was supposed to come to me, and you and your “honorable Institution” have apparently been jerking off while all that cash just sits there and I’m over here stretching like a contortionist to make ends meet. What the fuck?
I also have to be brutally honest and tell you that mentioning the deployment of the FBI kinda makes my sphincter pucker up. I mean, it’s not like I’m engaged in illegal activity or anything, except for the occasional cross-border flights as a coke mule because I have to make fuckin’ ends meet WHILE YOU’RE JERKING OFF, but I’d just as soon leave the FBI out of it. I’m sure we can find a way to “carry out proper” without their participation, you feelin’ me?
So, despite the fact that you can’t write a fuckin’ English sentence to save your miserable life, it looks like you want to send me a MasterCard with a pre-funded balance of $2.5 million, with a daily withdrawal limit of $10,000? Honestly, fuck that shit, Jackie. Fuck it in the hidey hole until it can’t sit down for a week. That’s what I think of that MasterCard idea.
I got big plans for my 2.5 mil. BIG PLANS. And those plans don’t include me standing on a street corner at some fuckin’ ATM tryin’ to nonchalantly withdraw $10K every goddamn day until I get a big goddamned pile that’s the size I need for my plans. And seriously, waiting for an ATM to spit out five hundred $20 bills every day would be like painting a big target on my back with a sign that says “ROB ME NOW!” The fuck do you think I am? Stupid?
Also, it does me no fuckin’ good to have a card that works in 210 countries because there’s not an ATM in any of them that’s going to spit out $10K in cash in one fell swoop. Or one swell foop. Ain’t gonna happen. I am NOT. STUPID.
So I don’t give a fuck that you and the FBI are willing to send the card right to my doorstep instead of insisting that I come to London to get it, like that would ever happen. I ain’t settin’ foot on any wharf that’s named for a canary. And you overlook the fact that we here in the U.S. of A. beat their ass back in The Revolutionary War so we WOULDN’T HAVE TO GO GET OUR MONEY FROM THE BRITS EVER AGAIN!! NEVER FORGET!!!
So yeah, I’m not coming to London and I’m not accepting some motherfuckin’ ATM card on my doorstep, and I sure as hell am not paying 480 GBP in “Non Appearance Approval fee”. You must think I was born yesterday. But I know that 480 GBP is something like 775 USD, so calling it 480 is just some scam to get people who are dumber than me to part with 775. Fuck that shit. In the hidey hole.
Let me speak plainly Jackie: Send me a goddamn cashier’s check for the full $2.5 mil, with no further fucking around. I have BIG PLANS, and they won’t wait much longer, because the contractors who are building the Grolsch fountain want their damn money like yesterday. So does my local utility company, not to mention my cell phone provider and the surgeon who expects a deposit for my head implant. So DO IT! NOW!!
And don’t tell me to stop communicating. I have important communications to make to the readers of NO CLEAN SINGING. They wait on my communications like nomads in the desert dying of thirst, waiting for the oasis to appear before them. I can’t let them die. I am not cruel.
You, on the other hand, you are on my shit list, the list I’m about to give to a ninja loris cadre who will be setting out to find you by sundown tomorrow if I don’t have my fuckin’ cashier’s check in my hands before then. Believe me, you DO NOT want that to happen.
So get on your horse and Gallop, Jackie. Send me the money!
Hails and horns,