Feb 142023


(It’s Valentine’s Day. Axel Stormbreaker has gift ideas.)

Valentine’s Day is a universal holiday of its own uniqueness. Arguably, it may well be the only day of the year when every one of you feels both contrary and guilty simultaneously. The thing is, there’s been so much public discussion about why people should celebrate, or why they just shouldn’t, or even why the fuck should others care how people choose to spend this day. To the very point, a simple reminder of phrasal brawls is enough to mess with your mood momentarily.

Then again, metalheads feel even more divided for their own reasons. Especially, when the ones who choose to see to the needs of their better half got no clue as to what present they should be purchasing. Should it be a bouquet of roses, some exquisite chocolate box, or a rock ballad compilation? Most ideas seem so trivial, applied to the point of exhaustion. What present could you possibly choose that won’t appear as a petty option?

So, have no concern you troubled rascals! Dr. Love Stormbreaker is here to answer the dilemma that’s been dividing mankind since the birth of capitalism. Yes, you should celebrate Valentine’s Day and yes, you can do it in kvlt style! What I am about to give you is my ultimate top 5 cult tape list of Aloe City Wrld Records, each one selected according to your own special needs.



Macroblank – __

(for the Goatster)

Being a goatster ain’t easy nowadays. The world may have changed, yet the knowledge of our forefathers still dictates how both older and younger folks should stay true to some basic principles of the core. Of course, it’s obvious you can’t wear your battle vest at all times; especially when asleep. You do know it’s too damn hard to only listen to bands whose artwork includes no more than three colors (four is a sellout). Plus, it’s obvious your idea of romantic music can’t deal with dungeon synth tapes exclusively.

All in all, what you need here are lame excuses to invest in other sounds. So, what better occasion can you think of besides a traditional Valentine’s Day gift? Macroblank’s __ may suffice as a remarkably adequate solution, since it’s a cool tape and there’s a medieval dude on the J-card too (even though he does appear to have escaped from some Victorian mental asylum). The music, of course, is lounge-y, but its chilled-out aesthetics blend just smoothly with the acid jazz elements. Add to that its subtle melancholy with the calibrated use of wind instruments and you get a fine album that both suits your Valentine and helps you stay metal as fuck.

P.S.: Special attention should be paid to its ninth track titled “山の向こう側の叫び声”, as its subtlety gives way to some brief pompous moments, while showcasing traditional far-eastern influences.




Konwave – I Can’t Take Much More of This

(for the Grinder)

You are the Grinder. You only listen to pornogrind, crust punk and filthy sludge. You may not own a battle vest, but your torn clothes are covered by black & white patches that are just randomly sewn. Your breakfast consists of cheap beer, corn cereals and energy bars to keep your energy pumping. And, of course, your better half loves you, but feels embarrassed about your juvenile looks, wondering when precisely comes the time you will grow the fuck up.

You don’t need Dr. Love here. You still think jazz is cool, so you are already aware of Konwave’s I Can’t Take Much More of This. Firstly, because it’s a smooth, chilled-out jazz-y record with sax parts that only the deaf won’t appreciate. And secondly, because its song titles fit your twisted way of humor like a leather glove. So rest assured my folks, it’s gonna provide a perfect introduction of trippy sounds that precede a special night with your loved one. It’s bound to get a thin hope so high that it may, in fact, appear as if you can still change, as if there’s indeed a big chance for improvement. Despite how reality can be, of course, an entirely different topic.




Oblique Occasions – 原点

(for the Deathster)

The deathster is the happiest of metal folks just because zero fucks are given for anything other than death metal. While black metal people often remind of grumpy old ladies whose favorite hobby is spying on their neighbors, death metal fans are usually simple and straightforward, as spending too much time for bullshit keeps them away from Immolation. The open-minded deathsters will take an interest in anything related to the sound: be it technical, old-school, demoesce, or even industrial. All they require are cool riffs, abyssal growls and a well-cooked meal to remain thoroughly satisfied.

Nevertheless, while typical deathsters might enjoy some groovy fun, they are not particularly familiar with other territories. And you got a hot date at your house tonight with an intellectual you met at last week’s party. But have no worries my dear brute, the solution in store for you is an Occasions band that keeps it elegantly Oblique. 原点 starts with some drum & bass beats, before moving on to trip hop quirks, ’70s synth interruptions, or even… cold wave aesthetics, all regulated perfectly. While production does maintain the shady aesthetic you fiercely seek, faithful to obscure standards. Mark my words my friend, 原点 is an album so rich and so deep, if success ain’t guaranteed, then my name is not Dr. Love Stormbreaker.




Rombreaker – Dead Passions

(for the Gothster)

You are the true gothster? Oh, man. Talking about the incarnation of pitch-black contradiction. You are mostly into darkwave, post-punk and old-school goth rock, yet you claim gothic metal never existed in the first place. You only dig black when it comes to metal genres and you’ll never give a straight answer on whether bands such as Amorphis, or Katatonia, were influenced by the goth spectrum. And, sadly, you hang out at the same ol’ clubs, listening to the same songs you can’t admit you got bored of.

So, what’s to do when you get stuck in that familiar stale routine? Just lighten up! Bear no worries you grumpy old bat, Dr. Stormbreaker is here with Rombreaker’s Dead Passions. Chilled beats, soothing ambience, and funky rhythms coexist here with skeletons entwined in the closet. Even if its entirety may sound thoroughly mainstream to most, its toned-down aesthetics could spark the night’s interest at any given moment. Just forget “Romeo’s Distress” for a while. Open a bottle of “Red Wine” and drag your ass back to that “Lost Summer”.




J_ade_ – Hot Singles In Your Area

(for the Rocker)

You are the rocker. You start your day with Kansas, before moving on to Alice Cooper, so nightfall can find you digging some ol’ Mötley Crüe tunes. Hair metal days is your frequent topic of nostalgia, hard rock is always needed with an edge, and (synthetic) leather is a must, even if only as an accessory. But what to do on this special day, when your better half only endures your taste, instead of supports it?

Lemme state here I hesitated adding J_ade_ as it’s a project too bizarre for the site. See, the music is an amalgam of trip-hop, experimental electronica, and… downtempo, melancholic R’n’B. But then again, its aesthetics result darkened in the sense an open-minded listener might be drawn to its eclectic aspects. Especially, the rocker who appreciates quality fun in each and every moment.

And after all, let’s just admit it’s quite the fact any person who is OK with a Valentine’s Day gift titled Hot Singles In Your Area (especially, if it’s a woman) is someone definitely worth growing old with.




…let’s not forget there’s also the kind of people who feel alienated on this special day. Either due to the lack of a special someone, or because they don’t feel like celebrating shameless marketing tricks. So, if you belong to that category, my best guess is you’re thinking of maybe playing Ildjarn Is Dead, while reciting his manifesto aloud. Either to piss off your annoying neighbors, or to unleash your undying hate to the world.

But then again, that’d be pretentious, and a bit too predictable, to be honest. So, if you’re a solitary man, or a lonesome woman, just do yourself a favor and pour a glass of scotch before revisiting the golden NCS doom classics. A traditional pick to start your playlist would be Saturnus’ For the Loveless Lonely Nights, despite how it’s an EP relatively forgotten compared to their latter acclaimed offerings.

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