Jun 252010

It’s been a while since our last installment in this series. In case you’ve forgotten, or you’re a newcomer, every now and then we come across something that isn’t music, but still makes us think, “Shit! That’s metal!”

We’ve got a hell of an example for you today. Over the last 24 hours, this story has been picked up with gusto by various news organs, all trying to outdo each other with eye-catching headlines. Here’s one example:

Naked Woman Steals Car, Gives Utah Cops the “Slip,” Gets Tasered, Say Cops

As attention-grabbing as that headline is, it still doesn’t do justice to the full story — which we will now give you, along with our editorial comments, a video report, and a little musical accompaniment. For the basic facts, we’re combining the versions of the story as reported in Salt Lake City’s daily newspaper, The Deseret News, and by CBS News. Here goes:

WEST VALLEY CITY — A naked woman stole two vehicles, including a police squad car, crashed both vehicles and was Tasered before being arrested Tuesday morning by West Valley police.

The bizarre series of events began at about 5 a.m. in West Jordan. A man was posting advertising signs along state Route 111 and was outside of his vehicle when a 31-year-old woman pulled up next to him and got out of her car, said West Valley Police Capt. Tom McLachlan.

“Unique thing about that was that, uh she was not wearing any clothes,” McLachlan said.

Some dudes live their whole lives without ever having a naked woman approach them. Many of them listen to metal. And you can imagine what this dude’s first thought must have been. But it didn’t last long, because:  (more of this bizarro story after the jump . . .)

Then the woman decided to steal his car, driving north toward West Valley City. The man jumped into her abandoned car and followed her, while dialing 911.

About 5:30 a.m., near 5300 South, the road makes several turns. “One turn she did not even attempt to negotiate,” McLachlan said.

The woman drove off the road, through a fence and onto Alliant Techsystems property. The woman got out of the car and ran, McLachlan said. A police officer spotted her and called for backup.

We admire that kind of prudent police procedure. It must be in the West Valley police training manual someplace: “If you see a naked woman running wild outside, do not attempt to apprehend her by yourself. Call for backup. Otherwise, no one will believe you. Plus, as you will learn, manning the parapets of social order and security in West Valley is a solemn, solitary duty. In other words, it’s mostly boring as fuck, and your fellow officers will thank you for spicing up their day.”

West Valley police scoured the rugged sagebrush and grasslands for their suspect, described as 5-foot-5, 120 to 130 pounds, thin and with reddish-brown hair. “Of course, there was no clothing description available,” McLachlan said.

Gotta give Capt. McLachlan the Deadpan Humor of the Day Award.

An officer spotted the woman hiding behind a bush, McLachlan said. Two officers attempted to restrain the woman and get her to put her hands on the hood of a police car, but the woman was able to slip free.

Uh, what?  How to restrain a naked woman, even with backup, must not have been covered in the West Valley training manual.  Please explain.

“She did have blood on her body from the initial crash. She was hot and sweaty, dirty, and very slippery. She managed to escape the grasp of the two officers,” McLachlan said.

Okay, that makes sense now. She was 5’5″ and weighed only 120 – 130 pounds, but she was a slippery little minx. Hot and sweaty. The cops were probably sweaty, too. That sometimes happens if you’re around a naked woman.

Of course, if the gender roles had been reversed and the perpetrator had been a man, a female cop would have just tasered him right there.  End of story. But that’s not what happened here, because:

The woman ran to the other police car and started to drive off. “Officers attempted to drag her out of the car but were unable. She started to drag them, so they let go,” McLachlan said.

She stole their fucking car?!? We bet those dudes will never hear the end of that. Probably time for them to find new jobs in East Valley, Utah.

That ride ended in nearby West Valley City when the woman failed to make a sharp left turn and the purloined cruiser ramped off a berm and traveled about 50 feet before crashing to the ground hard enough to bend the vehicle’s frame, McLachlan said. “That car that she took is a total loss,” he said. “I think there’s a hubcap that’s still usable.”

Let’s recap this now. So far, this naked woman has wrecked one car, run naked through the brush, been manhandled (unsuccessfully) by multiple police officers, stolen a police cruiser, launched it 50 feet into the air, and crashed it into the ground with enough force to total the vehicle. Surely, by this point, she must have been physically fucked-up to the point of collapse. Surely, that must have been the end of this story. Nope — not even close.

Abandoning the car, the woman scaled a chain-link fence that had barbed wire on top, McLachlan said. Officers were waiting for her on the other side and used a Taser. They took her into custody, although she continued to resist while paramedics checked her out.

Holy fuck! She scaled a barbed wire fence — while naked, after totaling a car?!? And then got Tasered? And kept fighting? That’s gotta be the definition of “brutal.”

Actually, we can understand the tasering. Remember what happened the last time West Valley’s finest tried to restrain this woman. By this point, they probably thought she was Wonder Woman. Or some kind of demonic entity from another dimension.

The woman was taken to a local hospital to be treated for her injuries and for a mental evaluation. McLachlan said doctors do not believe drugs or alcohol led to the woman’s erratic behavior. “It appears there may be mental issues involved,” McLachlan said.

Capt. McLachlan, deadpan to the end. But really, why do people always assume that incidents like this are the product of mental derangement? There could be a perfectly rational explanation for this woman’s behavior.

Maybe, for the 1000th time, her boyfriend was taking a vicious, eye-watering dump just as she was getting out of the shower. Maybe she had just read the latest slimy bullshit from BP trying to dodge blame for the Gulf oil spill. Maybe she finally got fed up with the endless features about “The Big Four” on Blabbermouth. (On that score, Reign in Blonde pretty much summed up our own feelings yesterday.)

Maybe she was on her way to an important pagan ritual and her own car was about out of gas. Maybe she made the mistake of listening to the latest release from Attack! Attack! and couldn’t get the car radio to turn off.

Maybe she just finally reached the end of her rope, one last catastrophe to culminate a string of many disappointments, one final cold shoulder from people who could have helped her up off the ground and didn’t.

If you, dear readers, can conceive of other rational explanations for this behavior, feel free to drop ’em into a comment. In the meantime, just to prove we didn’t make this shit up, here’s a video report of this incident by Salt Lake’s KSL-TV: starring the irrepressible Capt. McLachlan:


We’ve had our fun.

But just to show that we’re not completely heartless (just mostly heartless), it does occur to us that this poor woman was running from something or to something, whether real or imagined, and she’s probably running still, to a place she may never find. So we thought of these songs, as a soundtrack to her escape:

Year of Desolation: Running the Gauntlet

Darkthrone: Running for Borders

Born From Pain: Sound of Survival

As I Lay Dying: The Sound of Truth

  6 Responses to ““THAT’S METAL!” — BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (No. 7)”

  1. She totalled how many cars? Thats why women shouldn’t drive.

    Nah, but seriously. Women are dangerous – Stay away from them.

  2. In fairness, she had to be pretty beat up after the FIRST crash and the chase through the brush before getting behind the wheel of the SECOND car and attempting to evade pursuit. Also, to be honest, the times I’ve come closest to losing my life in a car have been when dudes were driving (including, uh, me). Having said that, I agree completely that women are dangerous — but I’ve never been able to stay away from them (or wanted to).

  3. Hell, I love getting my organ sucked too, but women like that scare me.

  4. I have a tendency to give naked women whatever they hell they ask for….. Sometimes at $1 per song, or $20 for each time they wiggle on my lap… Let the record show, Naked Chicks are thieves!!!!!!

  5. You missed one point in your running commentary: one of the police cars hubcaps might still be usable. That’s important stuff to know! Whatever her motivation (if any) or state of mind, going over barbed while while nekkid takes some solid ones. In this case, ovaries of steel, I suppose.

    • For sure. The whole escapade was impressive, and scary, and unhinged, and sad. And I should have started that paragraph which began, “Let’s recap this now,” by writing “Let’s hubcap this now.” All the good thoughts come too late.

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