Jun 302010

(Two months passed between installment No. 6 of this series and installment No. 7 — but now we’ve got No. 8 only a week after the last one. For any newcomers out there, this series is about things we see that make us say “Shit! That’s metal!” — even though it’s not music.  And the entire installment we’re featuring today (the idea, the writing, and the song choices we’ll be streaming at the end of the post) have been supplied by Aaron, one of our readers and frequent commenters. And it’s called . . . .)


I’m sure most of you have read the last “That’s Metal – But It’s Not Music,” featuring the naked woman who stole 2 cars, gave the cops the “slip,” and got tasered? [If you haven’t, use this link.] Most of you would have to agree – that lady has ovaries of steel. Now it’s time for a new edition, featuring a man with balls made of stone.

Taken from page 36 of the news section in the Toronto Sun paper (yes, I’m Canadian — metal things happen here too), a headline reads “Gator Swim gets Florida man arrested”.

Yes, he got arrested. Eric Ross actually lived to tell the tale, which is surprising, considering this report:

“Tour boat captain Kenneth Clineman said Ross, 37, refused to return to the boat.”

And yes, Ross knew the waters were alligator-infested. Ross even told reporters it was his lifelong dream to “Swim with the alligators.”  What the fuck?

(more about this unwarranted interference with Natural Selection after the jump, plus some songs to hear . . .)

This took place at Wakulla Springs State Park, which, after doing a little bit of research, I learned is located in Florida USA, and has over 6000 acres (24 square kms) of wildlife sanctuary. They have birds, snakes, and even West Indian Manatee. So why not swim with one of those?

“Ross told police alcohol consumption could have contributed “some-what” to his decision to jump into the alligator-infested water.”

So basically, what happened was Ross got loaded up (on tequila no doubt, because who hasn’t had a bad experience with tequila?) and swam with the gators. Immortal as a god! One with the reptilian.

I think the real hero here is Kenneth Clineman – Captain of the tour boat, who told police and the media “When the alligators began swimming towards Ross, I manoeuvred my boat between the swimmer and the gator until Ross got to shore.”

Well thanks for the happy ending – you fuck. People like Ross usually become deceased (that’s metal — dying is metal, right?) by means of Natural Selection. And you, Capt. Clineman, ruined that for us.

Either way – Eric Ross, dumbass, meat head, hero, whatever you want to call him, made it to shore only to be arrested. So, in honor of his bravery (or stupidity, I haven’t decided yet) I give you some songs to keep your day metal.

Gojira: Lizard Skin

Nile: Papyrus Containing the Spell To Preserve Its Possessor Against Attacks From He Who Is In the Water

Veil of Maya: It\’s Not Safe To Swim Today

(Editor’s note: We’re with Aaron on this one — Capt. Clineman’s misplaced heroism has created the frightening possibility that Mr. Ross will succeed in procreating. Of course, there’s always a chance that a guy like this will find some other equally brain-dead way of ending his line before he finds a woman drunk enough to let him in her pants.)

  14 Responses to ““THAT’S METAL!” — BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (No. 8)”

  1. Alright. As a Floridian I have to comment:

    People in this state are crazy. On an Orlando radiostation there is a game called “Germany or Florida” where you have to guess if the ridiculousness from the news report is here or there… the senarios are always the most bizarre thing you’ve ever heard.

    But, here gator’s are everywhere. You can swim around one in almost any lake, especially in state parks. I don’t know why he was so jazzed about it. He could have gone to Gatorland in Orlando and touched one. I did. As a girl scout. When I was ten. Does that mean I’m owed a Metal Balls merit badge?

  2. Wow. A potential Darwin Award winner gets a reprieve.

  3. Really. This had Darwin Award written all over it. I still think this guy may put in another bid for that honor before too long.

  4. @ Euphoria – Alligators are scary as shit! They’re like miny dinosaurs man… Plus, I;m sure when you touched an alligator you were in a controlled enviroment. And “When I was a girl scout” ? Are you sure you want a set of balls that would put your boyfriends to shame? Just jazzin’ ya. (Ew, Jazz…)

    Thanks for the comment everyone, glad to see my article sat well ( I think…)

  5. YEAH YOU DO AARON YEAH YOU DO! THAT’S MY BOY!… ahem I mean Fucking stupid boat captain being demolished by gators is way more metal than survival but the song choice is absolutely flawless my friend next we chill all those songs are going on the driving playlist!

    And hey this kid is pretty metal himself he and I get smashed the other day he starts throwing up in my washroom I turn to him ask him if he’ll ever drink again the boy puts up the horns and says fuck yeah this is metal and continues to spew out the contents of his stomach we need more contributions from him!

    I cast a vote for Aaron to become a regular contributor

  6. Haha, thanks BC!

    Can we go drinking this weekend again? Haha.

  7. I dunno if getting gnawed to death or getting thrashed during an underwater death roll is metal, but it is certainly a missed opportunity at a Darwin Award, as others have said. But letting someone die because of their own stupidity… sorry, I’m gonna side with the boat captain for intervening, even if it means that the future’s gene pool may one day include that of “swims with gators”.

  8. Because the boat Capt. saved that guy, he’s getting mad laid for life.

  9. I guess it’s true that when you grow up around them they aren’t as big of a deal. I will say, though, that I hadn’t noticed the date of this event. Being that we JUST got done with alligator mating season I will have to say this guy was being ridiculously careless. I would have paid to see him lose a leg to a female gator.

    • A leg . . . or something.

      Prompted by your comment, I just did a little reading about alligator mating season. The dude was really even more brain-dead than I thought.

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