Jul 022010

Yesterday, for reasons unknown to me, our beloved bloggers at MetalSucks decided to have a “Be Nice Day” at their site and swore off their usual “dickishness” (their word, not ours). As part of that resolution, they suggested in one post (here) that readers take their favorite metal band names and spruce them up by removing references to death and negativity and turning them into names that would mesh with a Positive Mental Attitude.

I spent way too much time playing that game and making a few contributions. So did hundreds of other MS readers. My reactions to the best ones I saw ranged from subdued chuckles to coffee-through-the-nose eruptions of laughter.

For those of you who don’t read MetalSucks, or for those who do but don’t take time to wade through the comment section, I’ve collected here what I thought were the best band-name metamorphoses. Chuckle or erupt or yawn, as you see fit.


Type O Positive

Cattle Appreciation


Bunnies in the Throne Room

Help the Client

3 Inches of Love

(lots more after the jump . . .)

Vegetarian Corpse

Heaven Shall Get Air Conditioning



All Shall Flourish

Rocking Christ


Pillow Thrower

Dimmu Burger

As I Lay Trying

Keep Caressin’


Caramel Corpse

Fozzy Osbourne

Five Finger Handshake

Job Promotion for A Cowboy


One Inch Nails

Barn Builder

Them Law-Abiding Vultures

Lightly Tanned by the Sun

And here were my entries, which seem kinda lame compared to the best of those above:

Amon Amartha

Bed, Bathory, and Beyond

Dark Chocolate Tranquillity


Beer Factory


I’m not seriously suggesting that you join in on this fun, because if you’re like me, you’ll spend way too much time studying your iTunes library and scratching your head. But if the spirit moves you, leave any good ones you come up with in a comment.


  1. Visceral Healing
    Embryonic Nourishment
    Anchored in Sanity
    In Truth
    The Twoface
    Birthmark Symmetry
    Found Soul

    ok, I’ll stop now. Some of those were really creative. If I had a band, I’d probably pick a stupid name like Lobster Cappuccino because I lack creativity

    • Embryonic Nourishment FTW! I wracked my brain yesterday trying to come up with a variation for ED but failed, where you succeeded. I actually like Lobster Cappuccino. I’m thinking it would be a spazz-metal band . . .

  2. Dammit, you made me shoot Mountain Dew through my nose with Bed, Bathory and Beyond.

    Of the others, ihuggedabearonce got a chuckle, but Dimu Burger gets a meh, since they had that in an episode of Metalocalypse (and they had Cradle Of Fries on the menu, if I’m not mistaken).

    • “Mountain Dew through my nose”: Excellent. My work here is done.

      I should have known Dimmu Burger was taken already. I need to watch more Metalocalypse. The only clips I’ve seen were the ones playing on the big screen behind Dethklok when they passed through Seattle with Mastodon last year. Which was an awesome show, btw.

  3. Yes, you should. And get the CD’s if you don’t have them. The second one has those same background vids on the bonus DVD. Saw some stuff in there that I didn’t see on the show, although some songs gave me a headache with the flashes of light.

    And I am so fucking glad I didn’t make coffee or tea this morning instead of hitting the Dew. If I had, you might end up getting the bill for my trip to the ER after having hot coffee shooting through my nasal cavity.

    • I’ve got the first CD but not the new one. I’ll remedy that. I liked the music before I saw the live act, but was really blown away by how good those guys were. As for nose flushing, I’m not sure which would be worse — I would think the Dew would burn pretty viciously even though it’s cold. I had one of those nose-flushing experiences yesterday when I saw Nicemystium.

  4. Should Nachtmystium really be Daymystium? Or maybe Tagmystium?

    • I see you’re applying some Germanic rigor to this contest! Based on my pitifully limited knowledge of the language, I think you would be correct. I got a kick out of Nicemystium because it was just so goofy — which is sort of the opposite of that band.

  5. Austrian Healing Machine?

    …yeah Im not too creative hungover.

    • 9 times out of 10, hungover is not a good creative state. But that 10th time can put you in the zone. Actually, as I think about it more, it’s closer to 99 times out of 100 that hungover is a death sentence and 1% is pure dumb luck.

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