“THAT’S METAL!” — BUT IT’s NOT MUSIC (No. 9): THE SCROTUM EDITION
I don’t read the daily newspaper near as much as I used to. At some point I realized that the daily news could make me feel good or it could make me feel bad, but there was almost nothing I could do about it. So without ever making a conscious decision, I subconsciously decided that I could better spend my time taking care of my family, enjoying my friends, and battering myself with massive amounts of metal.
So, basically, I became one of those jaded, self-absorbed people I used to detest.
But every now and then, without any rhyme or reason, I’ll check out the daily paper here in Seattle — which I did yesterday. And I found so many ass-ripping stories that if I were a religious person, I’d think the gods were sending me a signal — that it’s time for another installment of “That’s Metal!”, where we write about shit that provokes that exclamation, even though it’s not music. Not quite the magnitude of the burning bush, but still, enough to get me pounding the keyboard.
Most of today’s installment isn’t about “metal” things that inspire admiration. It’s mainly about people who engage in brain-dead activities that remind us of stage-divers who end their acrobatics with a face-plant into the concrete. You wince, but you still gotta throw some horns in honor of the sheer insanity, while also hoping that those people don’t turn out to be breeders.
And to top it off, our daily news involved stories about scrotum damage. Admit it, there are few things better than scrotal humor, except possibly vaginal humor. And as a bonanza, we found some vaginal humor, too. (yeah, all the details are after the jump, of course . . . .)
Every year in Pamplona, Spain, bulls are set loose in the narrow, cobble-stoned streets and hundreds of thrill-seekers run from them. Of course, said thrill-seekers have spent the previous night getting completely blasted on sangria and other intoxicants. Every year, various fuckers are gored, trampled, and otherwise violated by demented bulls that outweigh them by orders of magnitude. This shit has been going on in Pamplona since the 16th century.
The bulls don’t know that at the end of their run, they will be executed in “bull-fights” by trained matadors. But they act like they know. Because they go for the scrotum. From a story in yesterday’s Seattle Times:
A man was gored in an arm and two others were injured in a fast-paced penultimate running of the bulls at Spain’s San Fermin festival Tuesday, officials said.
. . . Renowned bullfighter Julian Lopez Escobar, also known as “El Juli,” also was discharged from a hospital after having been gored in the scrotum during a bullfight.
Those still hospitalized were a 37-year-old Pamplona resident, well known locally for running the course every year and who was injured Sunday; a 20-year-old British man gored Friday; and an 18-year-old Australian who suffered 3 fractured vertebrae on July 7, the regional government said.
. . . A 22-year-old American, who had received a similar injury Wednesday when a horned juvenile cow tore his scrotum, has been released from hospital, authorities said.
Ricardo Brufau Giner, 21, of Barcelona, was gored in the buttock and taken for surgery. Fernando Garayoa Platero, 52, of Pamplona, was recovering from a skull injury after being caught and lofted in the air. And an unidentified 30-year-old Spaniard was recovering from abdominal bruising after getting trampled, the government said.
After reading this story, I had the following thoughts: First, this is the grand motherfucker of all mosh pits. Second, Cattle Decapitation should have provided the soundtrack for the run. Third, how can you have a bull rip your scrotum and then leave the hospital a few days later? Could it be because their sacks were empty to begin with?
Fourth, from a completely genetic perspective, we’re lucky some of these fuckers suffered scrotal injury because it’s less likely their brain-dead line will be propagated into the future. Fifth, if you’re a bull on your last day on earth, what better way to go out than by scrotum-goring a representative of the species that’s going to cut short your pleasant days of cow-fucking? And sixth, “shit, that’s metal!”
This story almost speaks for itself (again, from the always tongue-in-cheek Seattle Times):
POLSON, Mont. —A Lake County jury convicted a transient of stealing a house in foreclosure by removing “for sale” signs, changing the locks and filing strange paperwork with the county claiming he purchased the house from Yahweh.
Jurors deliberated for less than an hour Tuesday morning before convicting Brent Arthur Wilson of theft, deceptive practices and tampering with public records or information. He faces up to 30 years in prison when he is sentenced Aug. 19.
. . .Prosecutor Jessica Cole-Hodgkinson told the jury Monday that authorities found journals belonging to Wilson that detailed a plan to steal up to 100 homes in foreclosure.
. . . “The prospect of claiming and fulfilling my 100-title vision is growing stronger,” read one. “Took down one of two Realtor signs,” says another entry. “The other needs a tool to dig it up.” Many of the journal entries appear to be addressed to “the creator, Yahweh.”
“Wow. You surely have blessed me with some wonderful opportunities,” [a police witness] read from the journals, which referred to a property with a “million-dollar value” that “seems to be waiting for me to claim it. Wow on wow.”
Wilson refused attempts by District Judge Kim Christopher to appoint legal counsel for him. He didn’t participate in his trial and offered no defense. He read from an IRS document Monday and was reading the Bible during Tuesday’s court session.
If only God had provided better financing, this dude would still be a free man. Wow on wow.
Yeah, this one is from The Seattle Times, too:
TOLEDO, Ohio —An Ohio dog warden says a German shepherd named Sarge is one tough pup after surviving six gunshots to his head, neck and chest.
Witnesses tell police in Toledo that the dog’s owner and another man took turns shooting the dog with a pistol while he howled in his cage.
Lucas County dog warden Julie Lyle says the bullets remain lodged inside Sarge but that he needs only painkillers and antibiotics. She says the dog was up, around, eating and drinking Tuesday.
Sarge’s owner is due in court next week on charges of cruelty to animals and discharging a firearm. He told officers that the dog had bitten him and that he was dangerous.
Holy fuck! Six gunshots, with the bullets still lodged inside him, and good ol’ Sarge still has a healthy appetite. That’s fucking metal! I sure know what I’d feed him — the finely diced motherfuckers who filled him with lead while he howled in his cage.
Don’t be surprised, this one’s also from the Seattle Times. You may wonder, does the damned paper ever report any real news? To which I would answer: With stories like this, who gives a fuck?
BISHOP, Texas — The odds that Joan Ginther would hit four Texas Lottery jackpots for a combined $21 million are astronomical. Mathematicians say the chances are as slim as 1 in 18 septillion — that’s 18 and 24 zeros.
On a $50 scratch-off ticket bought in this rural farming community, Ginther won $10 million last month in her biggest windfall yet. But it was the fourth winning ticket in Texas for the 63-year-old former college professor since 1993, when Ginther split an $11 million jackpot and became the most famous native in Bishop history
. . . At the Times Market where Ginther bought her last two winning tickets, the highway gas station is fast becoming a pilgrimage for unlucky lottery losers. Lines stretch deep past a $5.98 bin of Mexican movie DVDs, and a woman from Rhode Island called last week asking to buy tickets from the charmed store through the mail.
She was told that was illegal. The woman called back to plead again anyway.
. . . Ginther has never spoken publicly about her lotto winnings and could not be found for comment. She now lives in Las Vegas after moving away from Bishop, and an answering-machine message for a telephone number listed at her address says not to leave a message.
I’m really not sure that being this lucky is “metal”. I think “metal” is probably more like selling your kids’ toys to buy more beer (and losing lottery tickets). But I’m including this blurb in today’s round-up in honor of Ms. Ginther’s decision to get the fuck out of Bishop, Texas, and go someplace where the house odds are better than 1 in 18 septillion.
This one’s a story from our own neck of the woods, sort of. It happened near Blaine, Washington — and it, too, was reported in yesterday’s Seattle Times:
BLAINE — The driver of a FedEx tractor-trailer rig lost control of his truck on Interstate 5 after choking on some spicy pork rinds, jackknifed and came to a stop in a muddy ditch, says a Washington State Patrol trooper.
Trooper Keith Leary says 42-year-old Edward Sutherland of Mount Vernon suffered minor injuries Monday. Leary says the man was driving his rig southbound from Blaine when he began choking and veered from the southbound lanes across the median into northbound lanes.
The trooper says the truck didn’t hit any vehicles. Leary says the driver will be cited for driving with wheels off the roadway.
I’ve always thought pork rinds were metal, but never more so than when I read this story. What if this dude had killed a few families on his detour across the lane of oncoming traffic? What would you put on their headstones? “Porked”?
And although I’m not an expert on Washington traffic laws, I have to admit I never knew that driving with wheels off the roadway was illegal. That’s really gonna put a crimp in my style. At least I can take comfort, as a driver, in the knowledge that stuffing my gob with pork rinds to the point of choking is completely lawful.
Okay, last story. And I swear on the graves of my sainted ancestors that this one, like all the others in this post, came from a single day’s edition of . . . THE SEATTLE TIMES! And amazingly, it also happened near Blaine, Washington, just like the last one.
Federal charges were filed Monday in U.S. District Court in Seattle against a Canadian man for allegedly running the border in a stolen van because he got in the wrong lane.
Trevor Doyle told U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents that he was just two weeks out of a Canadian jail on car theft charges when he stole a van and tried to drive it to White Rock, B.C., a town close to the U.S. Point of Entry at Blaine. Doyle got in the wrong lane, however, and wound up at the border crossing, with Border Patrol officers on either side of his car asking why he was traveling to the U.S.
Doyle, who said he didn’t have a driver’s license, reportedly swore at the officers when they asked him to turn off the car, and then tore through the checkpoint, according to charges filed Monday in U.S. District Court. An agent fired two shots at the car as it sped away, although Doyle wasn’t hit.
He was arrested a few hours later near the abandoned van in Blaine.
Doyle reportedly told agents that he didn’t blame the officer for shooting, because he was driving the van at him, according to the complaint. “Doyle said that he and the (Customs and Border Patrol) agent were now ‘even’ because, ‘he could have killed me, and I could have killed him,’ ” the complaint alleges.
I think this is definitely metal, in a grossly retarded kind of way. This dude is fresh out of jail on a car-theft rap, and what does he do? He steals a van. Fucking jail probably didn’t give him any cab fare. What was he supposed to do for a ride?
And then, as he makes his getaway, he drives straight into a border crossing filled with law enforcement looking for Canadian terrorists. But, at that point, does he realize that he’s just completely shit out of luck? Hell no! He floors it and barrels through the checkpoint.
And then, when he’s eventually apprehended, he becomes philosophical, using the same kind of sophisticated reasoning that caused him to rip off a van almost immediately after serving his time for car theft: “We’re even now.” “He could have killed me and I could have killed him.”
To quote from the immortal Blazing Saddles, that there is some authentic frontier gibberish. Same kind of logic that “El Juli” probably had in mind when he limped out of that Pamplona hospital with a gored scrotum.
If you’ve stuck with me this long today, it’s only fair that I give you a cookie. So here’s a pro-shot video of Faith No More from their July 8 concert in Portugal, opening the night with a cover of the theme song to Midnight Cowboy, followed by a ripping rendition of “From Out of Nowhere”. Kind of a random selection, but I’ve been hooked on Faith No More since longer than some of you have been alive, and July 8 was my birthday, so what the fuck.
P.S. You thought we forgot about our promise of vaginal humor. Nope.
Here you go: The Vaginal Couch:
Dude, when I first read the title to todays post, I winced. Then squirmed. Then winced some more and groaned. My co-workers were probably wondering what the fuck I was going on about. But holy hell that was awesome. I am by no means an animal rights freak, but those idiots that run with the bulls deserve everything they get.
I wholeheartedly agree with you about those douchebags that shot poor ol’ Sarge while in his cage. How that dog survived is beyond me and definitely qualifies as being metal. I would pay money to see the dog and his owner in a deathcage match, with the owner having his arms and legs restrained, naked, using only his teeth to defend him and covered in the smell of fresh meat. Fucking coward.
Hat’s off to Ms/Mrs/Miss Gunther for having the balls to say FUCK YOU to all the leeches. Good for you. However, Vegas would not be my first choice of places to move to. I would probably leave the country and go somewhere where I could live off of that money for a long. long time. Like some remote Pacific Island. It just has to have the internet so I can watch porn, download music (legally) and stream Netflix.
So many potential Darwin Award winners are surviving; it’s fucking depressing. (I am looking at you, Fed Ex driver). I can hear the slogan now: Don’t Pork Rind and Drive! Shit. That’s fucking horrible. This is why I am not in advertising.
Dumb Ass Award of the Year nominee to the crazy ass Canuck. What the fuck dude. Wreck havoc in your own damn country. We have enough idiots of our own to cull.
And you almost caused me to ruin my monitor with the vagina couch. There was iminient projectile spewage of my tea. Holy fuck that thing is ridiculous.
Excellent job today sir. You gave me several good laughs this morning. I give you a 18 septillion metal points. Don’t spend ’em all in one place.
And thank you sir! You gave me some good laughs too. I’m still enjoying the mental image of Sarge in the deathcage match . . . And I’m definitely with you on the Pacific island versus Vegas. Still, it will be fun one of these days to read about Ms. Ginther cleaning out The Mirage.
That video of Faith No More is EPIC. It brings back memories……damn I’m getting old.
There’s a lot more footage of that concert on Youtube — and tonight I’m going to watch every cut. Epic indeed.
Oh, admit it, you just wanted an excuse to say scrotum several times, didn’t you?
I’d already seen the vag-couch, so my monitor is safe.
Shooting the assholes who shot Sarge is too good for them. Keep them locked up, then let them loose for the next running of the bulls while wearing red. And while wearing ankle shackles, but we’ll let them have their hands free. If they make it to the end, they’re free to go. Scrotum optional.
As for FNM, I saw them when they were touring in support for Angel Dust, with Helmet opening. This was when MTV was with them on tour and they showed some of the stuff here in town on TV, so it was kind of a thrill. Rumor is, Mike was in an accident and his long hair wrapped around the steering wheel, forcing those who arrived to cut it, leaving him with the short haired version we’ve had since. Don’t know if it’s true, but the concert here was one of his first (if not the first) appearances without the long locks. Turned out to be a pretty killer show. Man, that was a long fucking time ago.
Sounds like they still got it. Of course, Mike and Mike have kept busy all these years, although I’m sure the others haven’t been sitting around doing nothing. It’s odd to not see Jim Martin on stage with them, but I’d have to see more footage than this to see how the band as a whole is doing with the reunion. I don’t know if Mike Patton & Co. have changed their mind about the song, but I know they got sick of “From Out Of Nowhere”. Then again, loading it up front gets it out of the way. Interesting take on “Be Aggressive.” I’m gonna have to see what other footage is online. Wonder if we’ll get a follow-up to Album Of The Year.
I hear you about being into a band longer than some people have been alive. What’s even worse is when some young’n doesn’t even know about an album or band from before “their” time, which finally experienced a couple years ago in regards to to Chinese Democracy. I mentioned something about some of the solos sounding like Slash’s work (if you’re familiar with the album, “There Was A Time” comes to mind), and some kindergoth asked why I was even comparing the solos on ChiDem to his material.
Thankfully, I didn’t become the subject of a headline the next day. Or should I say, sadly.
And yes, there are some today who have no idea. Honestly. I can’t make this shit up.
Okay, you got me. I did want to say scrotum several times. And vagina.
More good mental images of Sarge’s Revenge. Thing is, Sarge wouldn’t take revenge, which is part of what’s sick about doing that to an animal.
I haven’t seen any of the other footage of the FNM July 8 show except the one I put up, but there’s a lot more available, and I doubt this first one is the highlight of the show. The setlist looks pretty awesome, so I’ve gotta make time to watch the rest.
Your Slash/ChiDem story is pretty astonishing, but I have no doubt it’s true. On the other hand: Two days ago I was in an airport waiting to get on a plane and right next to me was a girl who looked about 12 with an Iron Maiden shirt on.
I am actually a little suprised that you didin’t go completely low brow on us and drop in a nutsack refrence. That would have been awesome. And how can you not giggle like a kid when you see the word vagina. I have a Beavis and Butthead monologue in my head…he said vagina.
Ok. My inner child is done acting out now.
The main question is, was she a fan, or did she just like the shirt? It’s cool that kids are able to get into rock/metal, although some of it, I think I’d rather keep out of the hands/ears of 12 year old children. Certain bands or styles, you have to build up to. Unfortunately, some bands have become recognizable enough to where saying you’re a fan or wearing a shirt is part of the cool factor, which intensifies when you have new shirts bearing old designs, especially if the shirt in question is from an old tour. Not that there’s anything wrong with a new shirt with an old design. And sometimes a band gets new fans that get to discover the old material. But unfortunately, there’s the retro-coolness that some latch onto instead.
On the other side, there are older people who are also into metal, and I don’t mean people in their 50’s or 60’s that have been around since its earliest days. For example, there was the grandmother in her 80’s into Metallica that got the VIP treatment at a concert she got to attend. There were a couple elderly people at the last wedding reception I worked at that really got into GNR when it was played (then later on, one of them was uncomfortable to watch out on the dance floor when the DJ played Black Eyes Peas). I have to wonder how many older folks have lost a wig or toupee in a bout of headbanging. Sure, I wouldn’t expect to see a 75 year grandpa in the most pit, but you can sometimes see them in the crowd.
Then again, age is mostly just a number and people simply get into good music because they like it. ’nuff said.
One more thing regarding Chinese Democracy that kind of scared me when it dawned on me at the time. I had waited over half my life for a new GNR album. Considering the lapse between UYI and CD (or even The Spaghetti Incident?), that was a bit of an awakening for me. I’m not usually self-conscious about being in my early 30’s, but still, it was a bit startling. Then again, GNR are hardly the only band that have gone such a long time between albums, but Chinese Democracy had so much hype around it, but little promotion when it finally came time to release it. For the record, I liked it and I don’t have a problem with Axl being the only original member left (and Dizzy the only other person to have been on a GNR album before). Not quite what I expected, but still a decent release if you weren’t looking for the second coming of Appetite.
Axl is in my “Greatest Assholes of All Time” list. I never really got into anything they did after UYI 1 and 2. Axl’s insufferable personality makes it impossilbe for me to like anything he has done since he blew up G’nR. What could have been. That band was freaking awesome. It’s just sad how far they have fallen.
The girl’s shirt was new and definitely not one of the album covers, so I’m guessing it was a tour shirt (retro or not) — but i didn’t want to stare, so I’m not sure. Could have been just the coolness factor at work or maybe she’s a true fan, though for that age, I’m guessing it was the former. Still haven’t listened to Chinese Democracy. I’m so turned off by what Axl Rose has become that I can’t bring myself to do it. Not a rational reason, but there you are.
I hear you (both) about Axl’s attitude and assholism being a serious hurdle, and I do agree. Still, I was determined to give the album and chance and fortunately, they did release it on iTunes as well. It may not have lived up to the hype and the long wait, but it’s not an abysmal album either; I don’t regret getting it. I knew it wasn’t going to be another Appetite and I knew it wasn’t going to be UYI 3, so without such expectations, I found it easier to get into.
For all the shit talking and general assitude of Axl Rose, a good aspect made it onto the album. In the liner notes, band member is listed as a “former” member or a “guest” musician. Everyone’s treated as part of the band, even if they aren’t (or weren’t, at the time) in the band. Well, at least as far as what’s in Chinese Democracy. All but one are pictured and everyone (I believe) have their list of thanks at the end.
But enough on that tangent. It seems that as of late, most posts end up taking a couple detours along the way in the comments.
How about them scrotums?
There’s a vagina couch, what about a scrotum chair? Or would a wrinkly bean bag work for that?
I think I’d rather talk about the pros and cons of ChiDem than scrotum chairs or wrinkly bean bags, so always feel free to digress (you and everyone else). One of the cool things about the evolution of this blog is that we finally have people who are feeling free to air their thoughts in the comments, and the conversation goes where it will.
Unfortunately, I can’t join in the conversation about Chinese Democracy because I haven’t listened to it or read the liner notes, even though I’ve had the physical CD since the first week of its release. Got a big mental block about it, partly because the wait was so ridiculously long and partly because of, you know, Axl. But I never say never . . .
Sure, it was a long wait and a bit of a clusterfuck. It doesn’t sound like an album 17 years in the making, however long it actually took to work on. Promotion was a joke and nothing against Best Buy, but having the physical copy a BB exclusive (plus iTunes) at the time didn’t work out so well.
Still, even with delays and leaks, it got released.
Which I could say the same for Worship Music. True, it will (probably) be released, but Anthrax is going to have him Joey go and re-record Dan Nelson’s vocals, and who knows, maybe they’ll end up having to tweak things to fit his voice. Right now, I think Anthrax’s singer drama makes Iced Earth’s issues look like child’s play. Then again, they aren’t the only ones with singer issues. But I will say this, from what I’ve read about this version of Joey’s return, he’s singing some of the stuff that was done with John Bush. Which I think is something bands need to do more of when an older member comes back, especially if it’s the singer.
Why ignore what came after someone’s first run in a band? I don’t know how many other bands are willing to touch stuff in between, but there’s no real reason not to. Does Bruce Dickinson sing any of the stuff from X Factor or Virtual XI? If not, he should be. Granted, I wasn’t impressed by XI, but the first album with Blayze Bayley is a pretty good album and it’d be a shame to not break out a couple of those songs. From the sounds of it, Bruce and Blayze get along, so that might help. Ignoring the re-recording of certain songs that has been done, Matt Barlow is singing stuff from Tim’s era in Iced Earth, isn’t he? What about Rob Halford, is he singing anything from when Tim was in the band? And for one more, what about David Lee Roth singing anything from the Hagar era, or maybe even Gary Cherone’s brief tenure in the band. Diamond Dave and the Red Rocker seem to get along, but with issues between Sammy and the others in VH, I don’t know.
Then again, I don’t get out much and it’s been a long time since I’ve been to a concert, so I’ve no idea what’s in the setlist for any of these bands. I’m sure Megadeth is playing songs from when David Ellefson wasn’t in the band, so why shouldn’t bands apply the same when the replacement replacement (yes, I mean that to be there twice) is the vocals instead of an instrument. Sure, singers may change a bands musical direction, but that doesn’t mean someone singing something that a different singer did in a band doesn’t work. Bands do it all the time with older material, why not do the same in reverse order?
And the detours keep coming…
It’s a good question. I can’t think of any reason why a band with Lineup A can’t perform songs that Lineup B recorded, even when the vocalist is the only change in the lineup, other than possibly ego issues. But for entertainment value, it would be a big plus. Mainly out of curiosity, I do plan to listen to Worship Music, whenever it’s released — though it’s possible we’ll get a single or an EP before Anthrax figures out what to do with the vocals on the album (re-record all, part, or none, with Bush).
Actually, I meant to say “re-record all, part, or none, with Belladonna”. Yes, it is confusing, since they also talked about having Bush re-record songs that were originally tracked with Nelson before Belladonna replaced Bush — again. Sheesh.
Yeah, ego is probably the biggest issue. Black Sabbath comes to mind. As great a singer as Dio was, I know his own ego got in the way sometimes. If I’m not mistaken, that’s the reason Rob Halford stepped in the first time he sang for them at Ozzfest, with the second being Ozzy being too sick to perform. And with Sabbath’s revolving door lineup during the 80’s and 90’s, I have to question how much overlap there was. I never got the chance to see them, so I don’t know how much Ozzy era stuff Dio sang or whether anything from the other singers was touched, but it’d be a shame to leave all of that behind. Yes, I know Heaven And Hell only did Dio-era Sabbath (at least I think so), but there were probably other factors other than that it was Dio with the band. And if/when Ozzy’s the frontman, why shouldn’t he put his take on some of the great songs that came after him? It could work, but I’m sure some of the knuckle-draggers would bitch, no matter what happened. Dude can still sing and though he may not have the greatest voice in metal, it is still one of the more powerful ones and so long as he doesn’t push himself too hard, Ozzy still has it. He can’t tour like he used to, but under the right conditions, he’s a force to be reckoned with.
I understand how it’s easy to say Bush at this point instead of Belladonna. I have to wonder how much adjustment they have to make in the studio to accommodate Joey, since they’ve been so used to having John Bush and the band did have a different sound. Some bands don’t need to do much to make their music fit with a different singer. Just look at what Faith No More did with The Real Thing when Mike Patton joined. They’d already been moving in that direction musically and though Chuck Mosley had gotten much better on Introduce Yourself than on We Care A Lot, I have a hard time imagining him on a song like “Zombie Eaters”, “Edge Of The World” or their awesome take on “War Pigs”. Fuck, that goes for any of the songs on the album. Angel Dust continued forward, but with Patton around for it all, it became even greater.
Now, these bands are all of the “clean” variety. What happens when the same happens with a band that has hard vocals, growls, death grunts or whatever else instead? Do the “extreme” bands face this same problem when it comes to their vocals? This side of metal certainly goes through lineup changes a lot, including vocalists/singers (I tend to separate the two).