A “high colonic” is an alternative-medicine procedure that involves injecting large volumes of fluid into the colon in order to flush out decaying fecal matter (and any small animals that may have taken up residence). Certain kinds of health nuts believe this procedure avoids the build-up of toxins, promotes effective digestion, and improves general well-being.
Usually, your NCS perpetrators don’t put down stuff we haven’t experienced for ourselves, but we’re making an exception here, (a) because there’s no fuckin’ way we would ever try this, and (b) some things we don’t feel the need to try in order to conclude they’re moronic.
Besides, some people are so full of shit they could detonate a depth charge up their rectums and it still wouldn’t make a dent. (If by some remote chance there’s an NCS reader out there who’s a devoted believer in the benefits of colon hydrotherapy,
then you’re a fucking cretin we do apologize for our insensitivity.)
As ridiculous and uncomfortable as this procedure sounds, the idea of cleansing through purging makes some sense to us in the context of a different human organ much higher up the body. We’re talking about the organ that does your thinking for you, at least when you’re sober. To be clear, for the benefit of the dudes out there, we’re talking about the big head.
Over time, your skull fills up with massive amounts of shit — from the often empty babble of your friends, family, and co-workers, to the absolute dreck that passes for pop culture, to the ghastliness that greets your eyes whenever you read the news, to your own hare-brained ideas and ill-informed opinions.
It’s a good idea, every now and then, to just clean all that shit out — just irrigate the fuck out of your skull to remove the toxic build-up and start fresh with complete emptiness. And today, we’ve got international music from three bands that will give you a good skull-flushing: Embryo (Italy), Lost Dreams (Austria), and Amagortis (Switzerland). (more after the jump, including songs to stream and videos to watch . . .)
First up is a band from Cremona, Italy, called Embryo — and holy fuck, are they good at skull-coring! This is the kind of fast-paced, heavy-grooved death metal that reminds us of another awesome Italian behemoth, Fleshgod Apocalypse.
Embryo packs their new album with galloping riffs, intestinally rumbling gutturals, hair-raising screeches, machine-gun drumming, some very subtle keyboards, and enough musical variety in the songs to carry our interest from one to the next.
Embryo’s second album was released in February of this year on Rising Records, and it’s available from all the usual online retailers. Good shit! Don’t believe us? Try it for yourselves:
More songs can be streamed at the band’s MySpace (here). (Thanks to our bro’ Death’s Embrace for recommending this band to us.)
Human brains (even small ones like ours) are crenellated organs filled with jillions of minute crevasses in which bullshit can hide. So as skull-flushing as Embryo is, you can’t stop there if you want to do a proper cleansing job. You need to follow up with Lost Dreams.
Lost Dreams is a band from Austria, and their fourth album, Wage of Disgrace, was released last year on Twilight Zone records. To describe their album, we need to resort to one of our favorite cliched, not-terribly-descriptive-but-still-accurate metaphors: It kicks massive amounts of ass.
The band generates high-gear melodic death metal with gut-busting riffage, demonic drumming, and a mix of satisfyingly cavernous growls and eye-rolling shrieks. Every now and then, you can hear a faint overlay of keyboard atmospherics, and at select moments there are guitar solos that will make your corneas bleed.
The songs are catchy as conjunctivitis and extremely well-executed. Seriously — no filler, only killer. Here’s a sample:
Now, you might think that you’re pretty well flushed out at this point, but trust us, you’re not. Still lurking in some cranial nook or cranny is a last bit of bullshit mentality. The remnants of some sarcastic crack made to you by a person you thought was a friend, the stink-eye some store manager shot gave you when he saw your prison tattoo, the faint wisp of a Lady Gaga song you couldn’t help but hear in a mall.
Any job worth doing is worth doing well, so don’t stop now. Let’s get you completely and thoroughly irrigated with an Amagortis enema.
This Swiss band has released two albums that have polluted the world, and a third (Intrinsic Indecency) will be released on July 30 by Brutal Bands — which will also be re-releasing the band’s second album, Pre-Natal Cannibalism. (Gotta love that name.)
Three songs from the new album are currently streaming on the band’s MySpace, mouth-wateringly entitled “Carniverous Crackpipe Consumption”, “Acrotomophiliac”, and “Pulmonary Insemination”.
If you haven’t guessed already, this is über-brutal death metal — what some people might call slam metal: über-gutteral vocals and pig grunts, guillotine riffing at a murderous pace, frenetic double-bass and insane blast-beats, and jumping rhythms that are designed to induce pit mayhem.
The level of sonic grinding is enough to smooth out the Himalayas, and if we listen for too long, goo starts to dribble out our ears. But in short, putrid doses, the music is pulverizingly sweet. Here’s a sample from Amagortis’s last album, Pre-Natal Cannibalism.
There. Now your mind is as clean and pure as a freshly washed infant and as empty as your bank account. All primed and ready for the next daily onslaught of bullshit. You’re welcome.
(Thanks again to our brutal-minded reader Death’s Embrace for the Amagortis suggestion, too!)
We said we had videos, and we don’t lie. Check ’em out: