Last week we opened a new chapter in our correspondence with African emissaries who want to give us money. The Nigerian/Ghana chapter seems to be over. No pre-funded ATM cards, big piles of cash, or bags of gold dust have ever arrived at the NCS island, and we’re hearing nothing but crickets from our original correspondents (all of whom have proven themselves to be no better than used toilet paper).
But as we reported last week, we heard from two women — one from Mali and one from Burkina Faso — who were attacked by the ravages of cancer, and whose experiences led them to offer me large sums of money, presumably because they are trve metalheads and appreciate all the awesome metalness this site has to offer.
As reported last week, I wrote back to both of them — one who survived cancer, and one (Ms. Sandra Luzy) who expected to end her race, perhaps even before my e-mail would reach her. So far, I’ve received no response from the Malian cancer survivor who is spending my money vacationing in Japan — but I did receive a message from the bank that the mortally stricken woman from Burkina Faso had appointed to funnel $4.5 million my way — assuming I was the first foreigner to apply for the money following her anticipated expiration.
But strangely, on the heels of that message, I received a different one from another bank in Burkina Faso offering what seems to be a completely different — though equally eye-popping — sum of money from another distant relative of mine who perished in a car crash. As in the case of the late Dr. Phillip Waterman (he of the bag of gold dust), I’m having trouble placing the name of this relative, but the money involved is rapidly improving my memory. (more after the jump . . .)
From: ECOBANK BF <email@example.com>Date: October 23, 2010 3:08:02 AM PDTTo: firstname.lastname@example.orgSubject: ACKNOWLEDGEMENT LETTER FROM ECOBANK BURKINA FASO.Reply-To: ECOBANK BF <email@example.com>ECOBANK BURKINA FASO
FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT
No 770 Avenue du President Aboubacar Sangoule Lamizana,
Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso.
TEL/:00226 70399711/ 00226 70897279
ATTN.THE MANAGEMENTS OF THIS GREAT FINANCIAL INSTITUTION JUST RECEIVED FAX MESSAGE FROM THE HOSPITAL WHERE OUR LATE CUSTOMER MRS SANDRA LUZY WERE RECEIVING TREATMENT BEFOR SHE DIED, THE CONTENT OF THE FAX INDICATES YOU AS THE HEIR TO HER BALANCE SUM OF $4.5MILLON US DOLLARS THAT SHE DEPOSITED WITH THIS BANK DURING HER LIFE TIME.
YOU ARE HEREBY BEEN ADVICED BY THE MANAGEMENTS OF THIS BANK TO SUBMIT THE FOLLOWING INFORMATIONS TO THE BANK FOR ONWARD PROCESSING OF YOUR INHERITED FUND TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.
YOUR PERSONAL DATANAME………………
YOUR BANKING DATAACCOUNT NAME…………….
THANKS FOR YOUR COOPERATIONS, ONCE AGAIN WE ARE DEEPLY SORRY FOR THE DEATH OF MRS SANDRA LUZY ACCEPT OUR SYMPATHY.WE SHALL DO OUR BEST TO TRANSFER HER DEPOSITED AMOUNT TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT ACCORDING TO HER WISH.
DIRECTOR FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT.ECOBANK BURKINA FASO.
Dear Dr. Musa:
Thank you for sending your e-mail in multi-colored font. I believe this proves the officers at your bank are not a writhing pack of soulless corporate motherfuckers only interested in lining their pockets with other people’s money, like most banks, but instead are genuinely interested in doing good for other people, and most especially in doing good for me. I also like the name of your bank, since it means that you’re a bank that likes to use money to help the environment. That’s fucking rad!
I have mixed feelings about your message. On the one hand, I’m emotionally fucked-up over the death of Ms. Luzy, but at least she is no longer “surfering” from the ravages of ovarian cancer and has instead found peace in death. I find peace in death, too. I’m talking about death metal, not actual death, but I think there’s a connection, don’t you?
On the other hand, I’m fucking stoked that Ms. Luzy didn’t end her race before she got my e-mail and left word at the hospital that she wanted that $4.5 million to be sent to me. I gotta say, I was worried that she might have already gone tits up before I could get my e-mail to her, which would have left me shit out of luck. So, it’s cool that she hung in there for an extra day or two. Awesome.
On the third hand — and yes, I have prehensile big toes that make my feet much more useful than your feet — I’m even more stoked that Ms. Luzy accepted my idea of spending $200 on the “offernage” instead of 50% of the $4.5 million. She must have accepted that or she wouldn’t have passed on her dying wish that all that money be sent to me. Agree?
But look man, I’m just a part time metal-blogger and full-time half-wit, and I don’t get all this shit about Swift codes and bank fax numbers. Do you think you could just send the money to me by PayPal at the e-mail address you used when you wrote me? I bet that would make PayPal’s eyes pop out like fuckin’ overripe cherries!
Y’know, it’s not that I don’t trust your “great financial institution,” especially cuz you used the multi-colored font in your message, even though I’ve been fucked over with phony promises by some of your African neighbors. I just wanna make this real fucking simple, K?
So, just send the $4.5 million straight over, like the now-dead-but-still-rockin’ Ms. Luzy told you to do. Hails and horns!!
From: josephkabore <firstname.lastname@example.org>Date: October 24, 2010 1:58:54 PM PDTTo: undisclosed recipients: ;Subject: Confidential Respond,Reply-To: email@example.com
I am mr. Joseph kabore director auditing and accounting department” bank of Africa (boa) Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso . I discovered the sum of seven million, two hundred thousand dollars (usd7.2) belonging to a deceased customer of this bank the fund has been lying in a suspense account without anybody coming to put claim over the money since the account owner late, mr Salla khat from Lebanese who was involved in the December 28th 2006 Benin car crash.
it is therefore, upon this discovery that i decided to take this ultimatum and make this business proposal to you as the fund will be release to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and i don’t want this money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed bill the banking rules here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after five years, the money will be transferred into the bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the deceased customer was a foreigner and a Burkina be cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner.
Therefore, I soliciting for your assistance to come forward as the next of kin. I have agreed that 40% of this money will be for you as the beneficiary respect of the provision of your account and service rendered, 60% will be for me. Then immediately the money transferred to your account from this bank, i will proceed to your country for the sharing of the funds. confidential respond call through my telephoto number +226 76705412 for more details.
Mr. Joseph kabore
Dude! You’ve made my fucking day! Seriously, the banks in Burkina Faso are obviously a different breed of cat from the banks where I live. In the space of 24 hours, I’ve gotten two e-mails from banks in your country offering me gob-smacking amounts of cash. The banks in my country just want to take your home if you fall behind in your fucking loan payments and charge you about 50% interest if you’re a day late in paying your credit card bill.
And your timing couldn’t be better, because I’m getting bills from the contractors on the designs for the cube pool and the Lorisarium, plus I think Fleshgod Apocalypse believe I’m insane for offering to set them up for life if they’ll move to Seattle and play for me whenever I want. So yeah, I could really use that seven million, two hundred thousand dollars.
But to be brutally honest, which is the only kind of honest I know how to be, I’m having a tough time remembering any relatives named Salla Khat. I’m having trouble remembering any Lebanese relatives, period. On the other hand, I don’t keep track of the sexual dalliances of my ancestors, and for all I know one of them impregnated a Lebanese woman, producing a relative of mine named Salla Khat. It could have happened. And with $7,200,000 at stake, I’m inclined to believe it did happen, y’know?
Besides, I’m sure your bank wouldn’t throw around this kind of money without doing its homework on the Khat family tree, amiright? So, just to be clear, I’m not arguing with you. No arguing. At all.
I’ve only got one hang-up here. To be blunt about it, I’m troubled by your proposal that you keep 60% of the swag. Seems a bit rich to me for someone who isn’t a relative of the deceased and isn’t a foreigner. As you yourself said, “a Burkina be cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner,” whatever the fuck that means. So, basically, this seems like a raw fucking shakedown to me.
So allow me to make a counterproposal: Send me the $7,200,000 before the next time you need to take a shit and I won’t turn you in to Interpol for extortion. Sound good?
Also, I have to ask: What is a “telephoto number”? I thought a telephoto was a big lense for a camera, and I don’t really understand the idea of phoning a camera. So, don’t wait for my call, just send the money by PayPal to my e-mail address. And the next time you write, please use colored font.
P.S. What do you think of the new Kataklysm album?