Last week we opened a new chapter in our correspondence with African emissaries who want to give us money. The Nigerian/Ghana chapter seems to be over. No pre-funded ATM cards, big piles of cash, or bags of gold dust have ever arrived at the NCS island, and we’re hearing nothing but crickets from our original correspondents (all of whom have proven themselves to be no better than used toilet paper).
But as we reported last week, we heard from two women — one from Mali and one from Burkina Faso — who were attacked by the ravages of cancer, and whose experiences led them to offer me large sums of money, presumably because they are trve metalheads and appreciate all the awesome metalness this site has to offer.
As reported last week, I wrote back to both of them — one who survived cancer, and one (Ms. Sandra Luzy) who expected to end her race, perhaps even before my e-mail would reach her. So far, I’ve received no response from the Malian cancer survivor who is spending my money vacationing in Japan — but I did receive a message from the bank that the mortally stricken woman from Burkina Faso had appointed to funnel $4.5 million my way — assuming I was the first foreigner to apply for the money following her anticipated expiration.
But strangely, on the heels of that message, I received a different one from another bank in Burkina Faso offering what seems to be a completely different — though equally eye-popping — sum of money from another distant relative of mine who perished in a car crash. As in the case of the late Dr. Phillip Waterman (he of the bag of gold dust), I’m having trouble placing the name of this relative, but the money involved is rapidly improving my memory. (more after the jump . . .)
First things first — the follow-up to my hurried message to the rapidly expiring Ms. Luzy in Burkina Faso, and my further reply:
From: ECOBANK BF <email@example.com>Date: October 23, 2010 3:08:02 AM PDTTo: firstname.lastname@example.orgSubject: ACKNOWLEDGEMENT LETTER FROM ECOBANK BURKINA FASO.Reply-To: ECOBANK BF <email@example.com>ECOBANK BURKINA FASO
FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT
No 770 Avenue du President Aboubacar Sangoule Lamizana,
Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso.
TEL/:00226 70399711/ 00226 70897279
ATTN.THE MANAGEMENTS OF THIS GREAT FINANCIAL INSTITUTION JUST RECEIVED FAX MESSAGE FROM THE HOSPITAL WHERE OUR LATE CUSTOMER MRS SANDRA LUZY WERE RECEIVING TREATMENT BEFOR SHE DIED, THE CONTENT OF THE FAX INDICATES YOU AS THE HEIR TO HER BALANCE SUM OF $4.5MILLON US DOLLARS THAT SHE DEPOSITED WITH THIS BANK DURING HER LIFE TIME.
YOU ARE HEREBY BEEN ADVICED BY THE MANAGEMENTS OF THIS BANK TO SUBMIT THE FOLLOWING INFORMATIONS TO THE BANK FOR ONWARD PROCESSING OF YOUR INHERITED FUND TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.
YOUR PERSONAL DATANAME………………
YOUR BANKING DATAACCOUNT NAME…………….
THANKS FOR YOUR COOPERATIONS, ONCE AGAIN WE ARE DEEPLY SORRY FOR THE DEATH OF MRS SANDRA LUZY ACCEPT OUR SYMPATHY.WE SHALL DO OUR BEST TO TRANSFER HER DEPOSITED AMOUNT TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT ACCORDING TO HER WISH.
DIRECTOR FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT.ECOBANK BURKINA FASO.
Dear Dr. Musa:
Thank you for sending your e-mail in multi-colored font. I believe this proves the officers at your bank are not a writhing pack of soulless corporate motherfuckers only interested in lining their pockets with other people’s money, like most banks, but instead are genuinely interested in doing good for other people, and most especially in doing good for me. I also like the name of your bank, since it means that you’re a bank that likes to use money to help the environment. That’s fucking rad!
I have mixed feelings about your message. On the one hand, I’m emotionally fucked-up over the death of Ms. Luzy, but at least she is no longer “surfering” from the ravages of ovarian cancer and has instead found peace in death. I find peace in death, too. I’m talking about death metal, not actual death, but I think there’s a connection, don’t you?
On the other hand, I’m fucking stoked that Ms. Luzy didn’t end her race before she got my e-mail and left word at the hospital that she wanted that $4.5 million to be sent to me. I gotta say, I was worried that she might have already gone tits up before I could get my e-mail to her, which would have left me shit out of luck. So, it’s cool that she hung in there for an extra day or two. Awesome.
On the third hand — and yes, I have prehensile big toes that make my feet much more useful than your feet — I’m even more stoked that Ms. Luzy accepted my idea of spending $200 on the “offernage” instead of 50% of the $4.5 million. She must have accepted that or she wouldn’t have passed on her dying wish that all that money be sent to me. Agree?
But look man, I’m just a part time metal-blogger and full-time half-wit, and I don’t get all this shit about Swift codes and bank fax numbers. Do you think you could just send the money to me by PayPal at the e-mail address you used when you wrote me? I bet that would make PayPal’s eyes pop out like fuckin’ overripe cherries!
Y’know, it’s not that I don’t trust your “great financial institution,” especially cuz you used the multi-colored font in your message, even though I’ve been fucked over with phony promises by some of your African neighbors. I just wanna make this real fucking simple, K?
So, just send the $4.5 million straight over, like the now-dead-but-still-rockin’ Ms. Luzy told you to do. Hails and horns!!
From: josephkabore <firstname.lastname@example.org>Date: October 24, 2010 1:58:54 PM PDTTo: undisclosed recipients: ;Subject: Confidential Respond,Reply-To: email@example.com
I am mr. Joseph kabore director auditing and accounting department” bank of Africa (boa) Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso . I discovered the sum of seven million, two hundred thousand dollars (usd7.2) belonging to a deceased customer of this bank the fund has been lying in a suspense account without anybody coming to put claim over the money since the account owner late, mr Salla khat from Lebanese who was involved in the December 28th 2006 Benin car crash.
it is therefore, upon this discovery that i decided to take this ultimatum and make this business proposal to you as the fund will be release to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and i don’t want this money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed bill the banking rules here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after five years, the money will be transferred into the bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the deceased customer was a foreigner and a Burkina be cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner.
Therefore, I soliciting for your assistance to come forward as the next of kin. I have agreed that 40% of this money will be for you as the beneficiary respect of the provision of your account and service rendered, 60% will be for me. Then immediately the money transferred to your account from this bank, i will proceed to your country for the sharing of the funds. confidential respond call through my telephoto number +226 76705412 for more details.
Mr. Joseph kabore
Dude! You’ve made my fucking day! Seriously, the banks in Burkina Faso are obviously a different breed of cat from the banks where I live. In the space of 24 hours, I’ve gotten two e-mails from banks in your country offering me gob-smacking amounts of cash. The banks in my country just want to take your home if you fall behind in your fucking loan payments and charge you about 50% interest if you’re a day late in paying your credit card bill.
And your timing couldn’t be better, because I’m getting bills from the contractors on the designs for the cube pool and the Lorisarium, plus I think Fleshgod Apocalypse believe I’m insane for offering to set them up for life if they’ll move to Seattle and play for me whenever I want. So yeah, I could really use that seven million, two hundred thousand dollars.
But to be brutally honest, which is the only kind of honest I know how to be, I’m having a tough time remembering any relatives named Salla Khat. I’m having trouble remembering any Lebanese relatives, period. On the other hand, I don’t keep track of the sexual dalliances of my ancestors, and for all I know one of them impregnated a Lebanese woman, producing a relative of mine named Salla Khat. It could have happened. And with $7,200,000 at stake, I’m inclined to believe it did happen, y’know?
Besides, I’m sure your bank wouldn’t throw around this kind of money without doing its homework on the Khat family tree, amiright? So, just to be clear, I’m not arguing with you. No arguing. At all.
I’ve only got one hang-up here. To be blunt about it, I’m troubled by your proposal that you keep 60% of the swag. Seems a bit rich to me for someone who isn’t a relative of the deceased and isn’t a foreigner. As you yourself said, “a Burkina be cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner,” whatever the fuck that means. So, basically, this seems like a raw fucking shakedown to me.
So allow me to make a counterproposal: Send me the $7,200,000 before the next time you need to take a shit and I won’t turn you in to Interpol for extortion. Sound good?
Also, I have to ask: What is a “telephoto number”? I thought a telephoto was a big lense for a camera, and I don’t really understand the idea of phoning a camera. So, don’t wait for my call, just send the money by PayPal to my e-mail address. And the next time you write, please use colored font.
P.S. What do you think of the new Kataklysm album?
Hahahahah!!! Cube Pool!!!
Wait…do we enter the cube pool, or does the cube pool enter us???
I really hope you’ve taken a very close look at those blue prints.
I’d hate to end up as an extra video on genki-genki.com. (I’m gonna keep mentioning that site until someone visits it and blood pours out of all of their orifices.)
It’s a swimming pool that must be shaped like a cube, for all the obvious reasons (because I don’t want my double-wide to spontaneously explode), and it is to be filled with Grolsch beer so that we may drink while swimming. Unlike that site that I do not intend to visit, this should not cause blood to pour from orifices.
Since it’s a suggestion from Phro, I am NOT going to visit that site either, and it’s the only time I’ve seen it mentioned, although I haven’t seen every comment ever posted here at NCS.
Moving on, it seems odd that a bank would say they’re sorry for the death of one of their clients. Just doesn’t seem the right thing to say, unless they had something to do with it. I’m not a doctor (I only play one on TV), but I’m pretty sure that you can’t actually give someone Cancer on purpose.
The other bank telling the next of kin they only get 40% seems like a ripoff. Why should they get more for the honor or working with you to get the funds where they’re supposed to go? Plus, what the hell is a suspense account supposed to be? I’m dying to find that one out.
With all this money coming in, the NCS compound will surely become one of the modern marvels of the world, visible from space and a national treasure. That is, as long as you don’t spend too much on alcohol. I think budgeting 40-50% for that should be enough. Any more than that and it just starts to get ridiculous.
Plus, what the hell is a suspense account supposed to be? I’m dying to find that one out.
I’ve mentioned in comments from some older posts….I wouldn’t worry too much about the context.
But yes. Don’t visit that site. Although, at the same time, do?
You’re starting to worry me about these two banks, which at first blush seemed like very fine, caring financial institutions. I did think that 40% business was total bullshit, but surely Mr. Kabore will drop that greedy idea like a fresh turd. Don’t you think?
I agree totally with you about the need for fiscal restraint when it comes to spending money on alcohol, and I think setting a limit of 50% of the total $11.7 million I’ll be getting for alcohol consumption is about right, as long as that doesn’t count the cost of keeping the cube pool filled with Grolsch.
Well, that depends on how often you plan on putting fresh beer in the pool. Maybe you can set aside a bit of the cash for a brewery, with some of the liquid assets going for your own use and some to sell. You can actually make an investment by being a distributor, while still having your own personal stockpile.
Of course, if your Nigerian pen-pals come through, that’ll make it even easier. Plus, you would then be able to put in a Grolsch dancing fountain as well and still have enough money to buy Fleshgod Apocalypse, build the Lorisarium and a get lifetime supply of grubs for the NCS interns. You might also want to try a vortex fountain like the one seen at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxvHVREQogY using beer instead of water.
Have you ever thought about a career in landscaping? The vortex fountain is an awesome addition. I could spend hours just staring at the Grolsch cascading down the sides while listening to some prog, and every now and then just stick my head right down into the vortex and drink up! I also really like the idea of making the lorises NCS interns. That way, I could write off the grubs as a business expense, plus probably get some useful blog posts out of them, too — or at least as useful as most of my own.
I’m not too sure about the brewery though. That sounds like work. I will be able to pay other people to do the work of making beer, and I will only have to swim in it.
Well, yeah, it would be a bit of work, but with the resources (a 100lb bag of gold, man!) you could get away with doing very little. Just provide some startup money and keep enough land set aside to build a brewery of the stature that NCS rightly deserves. The hardest part might be hiring the people to run the place; I don’t think the loris interns should be in charge of the beer. After that, you can be a beer-drenched figurehead.
In yet another stroke of genius, for the ribbon cutting ceremony, you could have ICS Vortex singing when the beer vortex is turned on for the first time. Granted, he’s a clean singer, but a distinctive one that really should be there for the NCS Vortex. That’s too easy to pass up on.
One question remains (for now): are you going to invite any of your pen-pals from Nigeria/Ghana/Mali to the grand opening?
A robot brewery!!!
And, just for the fun of it, they can be tentacled robots.
With beer tap dispenser things on the end of each tentacle….
Roaming, beer dispensing tentacle robot breweries.
You dudes are on a roll! I’ve now changed my mind — a brewery works! A robot brewery with tentacled robots configured to run the operation and dispense the product at the same time — I don’t have to do shit except watch and imbibe, I don’t have to pay any actual human beings, and I don’t have to worry about lorises dropping grubs into the brew! Awesome.
ICS Vortex is another inspired idea for the ribbon-cutting. HE could rise up on a platform from within the Vortex Fountain. It will be interesting to have him do a duet with Fleshgod Apocalypse. After the first half-dozen bottles of champagne, it might actually sound good.
And yes, I will invite all the pen-pals — and then drown them in the Vortex fountain as a sacrificial offering. If the lorises like the way they taste, I won’t have to lay in as many grubs in the larder.
I’m not so sure that’s a good idea. Drunk robots in charge of the brewery (think Bender) could prove catastrophic. Plus, they could end up forming Skynet, and then we’d all be fucked.
Plus, Phro suggested tentacled robots. Consider that. Let me expand upon that, just so you don’t see why this could be very bad indeed.
1.) Prho suggested tentacled robots.
2.) Tentacled robots.
Hire people, just to keep the beer safe for consumption, immersion and selling. I’d be worth it. I wouldn’t even trust the lorises to be in charge of the beer. Imagine one of them with a hangover…
You’re right, of course. I’m just too damned impulsive. The dreams of avarice momentarily unhinged me. I have calmed down now and come to my senses. Tentacled robots suggested by Phro. What was I thinking?
But you’ve given me an even better idea: Get the lorises drunk on NCS-brand lager and watch what happens! Of course, it might not be possible to tell the difference, but I have to find out! Beside, why should I be th eonly one with a hangover?
Just don’t let any animal rights groups hear about this plan.
Maybe they can do a guest column every once in a while, but don’t put them in charge of anything important.
I’m laughing too hard to come up with anything clever to say in response.