Just when I’d given up on the idea that British bureaucrats, orphans, cancer survivors, car crash victims, and apparently long-lost relatives were going to end all money worries by showering me with pre-funded ATM cards, stacks of bundled cash, gold dust, and eye-popping wire transfers, it turns out all I really needed to give up on was a continent. As sources of unearned wealth go, Africa seems to be a fuckin’ zero. (If you’re new here, click the Category link on the right side of this page called IQ SUBTRACTION for previous chapters in this series.)
But Asia! Now, that’s another story — and it’s one that begins today, because I got a new offer. Yes, the dream is alive! I can dust off those moldering plans for the NCS compound — the Lorisarium, the Grolsch vortex fountain, the Cube pool, the robot-operated beer factory, the Fleshgod Apocalypse wing of the NCS palapa — because just a few days ago I got a new lead on money for nothing. I’ve got high hopes for Hong Kong! I can already see it happening . . . first I’m gonna stack my flow, then I’m gonna stack some mo’, close shop then I do my count . . .
But first things first. Here’s the come-on, followed by my enthusiastic reply:
From: “Mr.Peter Lee”<email@example.com>
Date: January 7, 2011 5:40:47 PM PST
Subject: Response to this letter will be appreciated…
Good Day To You My Friend.
It is understandable that you might be a little bit apprehensive because you do not know me but I have a lucrative business proposal of mutual interest to share with you. I got your reference in my search for someone who suits my proposed business relationship. (more after the jump . . .)
I am Mr. Peter. Lee a South Korean, happily married with children, and i am a Director of Hang Seng Bank Ltd, in charge of the International Remittance department. I have a confidential business suggestion for you. I will need you to assist me in executing a business project from Hong Kong to your country. It involves the transfer of a large sum of money. Everything concerning this transaction shall be legally done without hitch. Please endeavour to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue.
Once the funds have been successfully transferred into your account, we shall share in the ratio to be agreed by both of us. I will prefer you reach me on my private email address below (firstname.lastname@example.org) and finally after that I shall furnish you with more information’s about this operation. Should you be interested, please forward the following to me urgently:
1. Full names
3. Private phone number
4. Current contact address
Please if you are not interested delete this email and do not hunt me because I am putting my career and the life of my family at stake with this venture. Although nothing ventured is nothing gained.
Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.
Hang Seng Bank Limited
Email: – email@example.com
Dear Mr. Lee:
Well good day to you, too! Fuck, dude, I can’t tell you how stoked I am to get your text! I been having all these long-distance bullshit conversations with people from Africa who led me on with promises of big fucking piles of cash, but they all seem to have disappeared like my bank account balance. I was afraid I was going to be stuck living on what I actually earn, instead of what I really deserve — which is to have big duffel bags stuffed with banded benjamins drop out of the sky onto my doorstep!
Hey, don’t worry about me being apprehensive. What makes me apprehensive is getting phone calls from collection agencies or having my fucking lights turned off for nonpayment of the utility bill. Having someone offer me a lucrative business proposal doesn’t make me apprehensive at all. Fuck no, specially since it looks like all I gotta to do is sit back and wait for you to transfer the flow into my putrid bank account.
Besides, you’re happily married with children, so you must be completely above-board and honest. I mean, that proves it, right? Having children doesn’t just mean you know how to put the wood to your wife, it means you’d never try to fuck over a well-meaning metalhead like me. That’s the point, right? Course it is. Bravo!
You know the other thing I really like about your idea, besides the fact that it involves me getting rich for doing nada, is you trusting me enough to wait until after all the money is in my account before we discuss the sharing ratio. Awesome dude! And don’t worry, I’ll be really fair about how to split up the money. I’ll pretend I don’t already have all the money and make believe it’s just like a real business negotiation. Really, I will.
Y’know, I’ve just got a couple little niggling questions at this point. First off, if this is all gonna be done legally “without hitch,” why is this venture putting your career and the life of your family at stake? I know you’re happily married with children and all that, but this don’t exactly add up. Write me back and try to sort that out for me, okay? I’m sure there’s a perfectly good explanation. Do the wife and kids know their lives are at stake?
The other little thing that’s got me scratching my head is your e-mail address. I see the e-mail address I’m supposed to use for the reply is “yahoo.cn“. I had to look that one up, and “.cn” is the internet country code top-level domain for mainland China, and Hong Kong is in China, so I get that, though I didn’t know fucking Yahoo had already invaded China (hate to tell ya, but that’s the beginning of the end).
But the e-mail address you wrote me from is at “fastwebmail.it“, and “.it” is the internet country code top-level domain for Italy. So what I’m wondering is this:
Have you ever seen a Fleshgod Apocalypse show?
Stay metal dude! Can’t wait to hear back from you! Don’t make me hunt you! Get ready to send that money, without hitch!