Jan 302011

It’s been almost three weeks since our last “THAT’S METAL!” post. We don’t put up installments in this series on any kind of regular schedule, but that’s still way too fucking long. As regular readers know, for these posts we look for news reports or photos or videos that make us think, “shit, that’s metal!” — even though it’s not music.

For this installment, we’ve got a few news items that relate to intoxicants — or in one case, to what some Darwin Award candidates thought were intoxicants — plus the best beer commercial we’ve ever seen.

And then, for the fuck of it, we’re interspersing among those items some random photographs that are all kinds of awesome which we found at Boston.com. They’re from an amazing collection of 120 news photos from 2010 — a “best of the year” round-up that’s worth checking out in full if you’ve got the time (here).

The one at the top of this post is a shot of lightning streaks across the sky as lava flows from an Icelandic volcano in Eyjafjallajokul on April 17, 2010. You might remember that this volcano spewed ash into the air for weeks, wreaking havoc on flights across Europe and fucking up plans by various metal bands for European tours.

For the rest of our items, plus our usual tasteless commentary, continue reading past the jump . . .


It’s amazing what some people will do to get high. Would you believe snorting bath salts? It’s true (and apparently pretty fucking dangerous). About the only thing I snort these days is mucus (my own, to be clear), but some cretins apparently will put just about anything up their noses if there’s a chance for a buzz. In the Annals of Snort, however, this next story is waaay up there.

Burglars snort man’s ashes, thought it was cocaine

Wed Jan 19, 3:11 pm ET

MIAMI (Reuters) – Burglars snorted the cremated remains of a man and two dogs in the mistaken belief that they had stolen illegal drugs, Florida sheriff’s deputies said on Wednesday.

That’s pretty fucking metal, in a retarded kind of way, don’t you think? I’m not sure which is the most moronic part of this story — huffing cremated remains or confessing to the cops that you did it because you thought you’d stolen illegal drugs. If they’d kept quiet after the arrest, a good lawyer could have made up a story that it was part of a religious ritual. Y’know, a direct route to the spirits of the ancestors? Well, anyway, there’s more . . .

The ashes were taken from a woman’s home in the central Florida town of Silver Springs Shores on December 15. The thieves took an urn containing the ashes of her father and another container with the ashes of her two Great Danes, along with electronic equipment and jewelry, the Marion County Sheriff’s Office said.

“The suspects mistook the ashes for either cocaine or heroin. It was soon discovered that the suspects snorted some of the ashes believing they were snorting cocaine,” the sheriff’s report said.

Think about that for a minute. The remains were in two different urns. Which means these dudes didn’t stop after snorting the dead man’s ashes and realizing they’d inhaled something that did nothing for them — they proceeded to the next urn and snorted the dogs, too (or vice-versa).

The suspects were jailed on numerous burglary and other charges.

The prosecutors probably had to get creative on those other charges. Illegal possession of dog blow? And man, what a bummer for the woman, realizing that the last remnants of her daddy went up the nostrils of some felons. There’s a lesson here: When people die, they’re just fucking dead, and keeping the atoms of their bodies around the house is just asking for trouble.


This is another photo from that Boston.com collection. It’s a pic of a farmer working in a field southwest of WaKeeney, Kansas on Sunday, June 20, 2010, with some pretty brutal clouds looming overhead. Severe weather battered parts of northwest Kansas that day with heavy rain, wind, hail and tornadoes. Maybe this dude thought that if he ran into a twister, he’d simply wake up in Oz.


Back to intoxicants. This time, the story isn’t about bath salts or dog remains but weed — and the increasingly inventive ways that Mexican drug cartels are using to get it across the border into The Land of Plenty.

Mexican Smugglers Catapult Pot Over Border

Fri Jan 28, 1:07 pm ET

Forget border hopping and sewing drugs into car cushions. Mexican smugglers have found a far more creative way to push pot north of the border: via giant catapults.

Two massive drug catapults were found in the Mexican state of Sonora, about 20 yards from the U.S. border in Arizona, the Associated Press tells us.

Resting on SUV flatbeds, each of the ancient contraptions were capable of flinging 4.4 pounds of marijuana over the border at a time.

Catapults are an ancient invention. According to The Font of All Human Knowledge, they date back to at least the 9th century B.C. But this story proves that if you put your mind to it, you can always come up with new ways of using old technology. Shit, I sure wish we had some video of this smuggling operation in action.

And by the way, when are our fearless leaders in government ever going to wake up and realize that this never-ending “war on drugs” thing is a fucking joke? Now, drug enforcement agents are using satellites and helicopters and unmanned drones against, uh, catapults — and they’re still losing.


We’ve included bull-fighting stories, pictures, and videos in previous editions of THAT’s METAL! Almost always, they’ve involved the worm turning, i.e., the bull getting in a few punches before his inevitable end. That always seems metal to me.

In the gruesome photo above, from that Boston.com collection, a bull gores Spanish matador Julio Aparicio through his throat during a bullfight in Madrid last May. Aparicio underwent surgery and survived. The bull did not.


Of course, beer is metal. Sometimes beer commercials are metal, too. Like this commercial for the Japanese beer Sapporo. It’s the best beer commercial I’ve ever seen. It’s amazingly detailed, and watching it in full-screen mode is the best way to see everything that’s going on. As commercials go, it’s definitely fucking metal.


I’m gonna wrap this up with a few more photos from that Boston.com collection. Happy trails.

In this Feb. 13, 2010 photo, Ion Banner loses control on a giant wave during the first heat of the Mavericks surfing contest in Half Moon Bay, California. Looks like he’s about to get ionized.

This shot shows magma churning and gushing in the lava lake of Mount Nyiragongo, one of Africa’s most active volcanoes, in Goma, Congo on March 31, 2010. There are images of nature that would make great album covers for metal, and this is a fine example.

This is another good example. This is a dragonfish. It is fucking metal. Not only does it have teeth on both jaws, it also has teeth on its fucking tongue. You will be relieved to know that although this thing is scary as shit to look at, it’s only about the size of a banana. Which of course suggests a new twist on an old line: Is that a dragonfish in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?

  15 Responses to ““THAT’S METAL” – BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (NO. 27)”

  1. It’s totally dragon fish that’s happy to see you.

    Damn, that was a kick ass commercial…but, not knowing ANYTHING about beer or how it’s brewed, I was kind of confused as to what some of the levels were meant to represent. (Are you supposed to roast the grain or something?)

    I’m not against bullfighting–but I have to admit I also don’t feel bad about a bull fighter getting fucked up. And holy shit that looks goddamn painful.

    I miss real storm clouds.

    “There’s a lesson here: When people die, they’re just fucking dead, and keeping the atoms of their bodies around the house is just asking for trouble.” I’m not sure if that’s the only lesson to be learned here or not (maybe…don’t put random powder in your orifices?), but it’s an important lesson none the less.

    • I don’t know anything about making beer either. But I do like Sapporo, though I don’t drink it much. I assumed that, as a resident of Japan, you’ve had one or two.

      And yeah, there are definitely lots of lessons in that first story. I didn’t want to get on my high horse too much, but really, it’s just as stupid to keep the ashes of dead husbands and dogs in your house as it is to snort them. Coffins and headstones fall into the same category. If you need something to spur the memory of someone who is gone, aren’t photos good enough?

      • I’m sure I’ve had it, but I don’t remember. If I drink beer, I usually drink Asahi Super Dry. But
        generally I just drink whiskey or shochu (which is like soju, but shochu is Japanese and soju
        is Korean). And I’m not technically a resident of Japan, so much as a foreign bitch. Official
        title, I promise you.

        Ah, I think I agree with you for the most part. Though I’m not a big fan of photos, I often find
        that I’m kind of glad I have them after X number of years have passed and I find myself
        wondering what this or that person exactly looked like. But beyond the occasional photo, I
        really think people should either keep a good diary or just rely on their memory. Not everything
        is meant to be remembered. Some things are going to be forgotten…….I guess?

        • Although, maybe that’s why I find so many holes in my memory……

        • Someone could make the argument that if you need a photo (or ashes) to remind you of someone, maybe they didn’t mean enough to you in the first place, but I wouldn’t go that far. For most of us, memories fade, no matter how important the experience or the person, and sometimes we want a way to bring them back in as much detail as possible.

  2. item four: he deserved it.

    • Agreed, but god damn thats nasty. Makes that famous photo of the matador with the horn up his ass look downright tame

  3. I’ve totally seen those bath salts at the local smoke shops. I couldn’t figure out what the fuck it was so I asked the guy there and he told me it was supposed to be like fake cocaine, but everyone he’s talked to who’s tried it (of course not him) said it was more like crystal meth…i just started laughing and walked out of the store.

  4. That picture of the bullfighter is one of those pictures that makes you queezy just thinking about it. At the same time, though, I found really hard to look away from it.

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