If you’re like me, you could stand to shed a few unwanted pounds. You get in the habit of drinking a few too many beers on a regular basis, you let your diet go to hell, you sit on your ass for too many hours every day, and before you know it your previously sleek self with the body that made members of the opposite sex, or the same sex, pant after you like dogs in heat has become something that causes you to get rid of all the bathroom mirrors.
But don’t abandon hope! You, too, can have a body like Ola Lindgren, the only constant member of Grave, the legendary Swedish death-metal band. Lindgren is somewhere in his 40s and undoubtedly has decades of crap food and heavy drinking behind him. But that hasn’t stopped Lindgren from staying in fighting trim, with sculpted abs and the kind of body-fat percentage that would make a marathoner jealous.
Some of you would probably guess that Lindgren stays in shape by burning thousands of calories performing on stage in a rigorous touring schedule. But that would be wrong. You don’t have to be a popular death metal musician and vocalist to stay in shape. All it takes is the right diet.
And now, for the first time, Ola Lindgren has revealed the secrets of staying trim in the underground metal scene, with daily diet regimens that will take off those unwanted pounds and keep them off! Yes, you too can have a body like Ola Lindgren’s, and all you have to do is subscribe to “Lindgren’s Health Blog 666”. (more after the jump . . .)
Yes, after years of questions and pleas for help from Grave’s overweight fanbase, Lindgren has stepped up and started a blog that records his daily intake of food. As he explains in the Introduction:
This page is created to keep y’all up to date about how to get and maintain a metal/olympic swimmer body.
I will try to update everyday but on tour it might not be possible due to lack of internet connection in certain backwards parts of certain backwards countries.
And yesterday, Lindgren posted his first daily record of bodily intake. There’s no reason why you, too, can’t emulate this formula for success in your personal appearance. Here’s the Lindgren run-down from Monday:
DAY ONE . . .
Started the morning with Coffee, 4 cigarettes, a Corona and one zip of water.
Lunch: Roast pork sandwich and a Mountain Dew.
Dinner/Frenzy: Baconwrapped Pigs in a blanket, Beans, Blackened Cajun fish, Cornbread, Coleslaw, Sangria, Gin & Juice, Corona’s, Coffee.
Break for some laps in the pool while enjoying a beer and cigarettes..
Continuing the dinner: 2 kinds of killer Steak, Beans, Baked potatoes, Sour cream and bread, Gin & Juice, Corona’s.
Dessert: Chocolate cakeTotal cigarettes today: About 28
Total alcohol intake: Too much to remember . . .
I don’t know about you, but I’m already consuming a rough approximation of this diet without even realizing it! I just need a little tweaking, and I’m there — I need to get my pigs-in-a-blanket with the bacon wrap, drink a few more Corona’s, and add the zip of water. I’m soooo ready to watch those extra pounds start to melt away.
Do what I’m going to do, and start following Ola’s health blog at this location. Happy dieting!
43 Responses to “THE LINDGREN DIET”
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After all the fucking trouble I went to to quit smoking…shit.
The great thing is, it’s so easy to start again! Take it from me — I’ve quit before and was able to start up again without even trying!
I’m on the “Hookers and Blow” diet. I haven’t lost any weight, but I don’t care.
Sounds excellent. If the Lindgren diet doesn’t work me for me, do you know if they sell hookers and blow at Safeway?
If by “Safeway” you mean “the abandoned parking lot behind the meat-packing plant”, then yes.
Really? You haven’t? I had great results with that diet. Hooker fortyfive-somes burn like, a million calories, and then for lunch I would do a sensible amount of blow (no more than a kilo) and run some laps in the tiger pen at the local zoo. The only downside is the lack of vitamins. I took Flintstones supplements.
Laps in the tiger pen sounds like a great idea, especially if you bring a hooker who doesn’t run as fast as you do.
Are Flinstones supplements when you dress little kids up like the Flinstones and then eat them Modest Proposal style?
Note to the FBI: This is an unauthorized comment by a person unknown to us, and does not represent the opinions of NoCleanSinging or its editors, officers, directors, employees, agents, representatives, assigns, or affiliates.
Oh! Hi, Islander! Hey, I got the six year old you wanted, but I couldn’t find that 5 year old. I guess they need better locks or something at the kindergarten. Anyway, don’t forget to bring that one pajama suit I love so much!
And the garlic…mmmmm…
Who is this Islander person and why are you trying to communicate with him on this site?
He’s a good friend of my who runs this metal website I frequent. We often exchange e-mail about metal, things that are metal but not music, and the taste of well grilled child flesh.
I heard he’d be here today with his arms crossed, hiding his face.
But I have it on good authority that he’s the handsomest devil EVAH!
Please go away. We are not affiliated with NAMBLA.
:_(
So no cook off tonight?
I believe you have mistaken me for someone else. I will be attending a prayer meeting tonight, followed by a gathering of our local Oprah Book Club chapter.
What, exactly, will you be praying for?
Tiny child sirloin steaks?
Someone make him stop.
I feel like this is somehow pertinent.
http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-reasons-comments-this-article-will-be-useless/
Also: VAGOOOOOOOOOOOna.
You don’t qualify as one of those useless commenters described in the article. Among other things, I know who you are. So does the FBI.
And please don’t say vagoo again.
Even the FBI can’t stop me! I have eaten an entire quartz mine and followed it up with the seared flesh of a million vagooooooooos!
Not even the Great Fucktopus could stop me now!!!
Bwahahahahahahaha!!!!
That’s exactly it. Children are full of 98 essential vitamins and minerals, including, but not limited to, Vitamin C, Vitamin B-12, and quartz.
Also, Phro, I read that article earlier this morning. Hillarious.
Quartz???
I love me some cracked. It’s almost better than crack! But with 100% fewer cops trying to beat my little bitch ass.
Bet you didn’t know you needed quartz to live. This is why everyone else dies and I don’t.
I just ate my watch. I feel immortal already!
Dude, watches are friggin’ tasty.
Mine had a rubber wristband, so it was kinda like eating octopus. I’m expecting some bathroom pain on teh shitter tomorrow morning. But hey, “Brutality” is my middle name.
POOPING IST KRIEG! \m/
One of those red Mickey Mouse watches?! GOD I love those.
How did you know? Are you stalking me?
But now we all know.
Do we get to be highlanders now, or something?
You can try, but I have a sword and I’m going to start decapitating people after lunch to make sure we don’t have a population explosion when word about the quartz gets out. But I’ve got to stick with the Lindgren Diet and have my roast pork sandwich and Mountain Dew first. It’s no good being immortal if you don’t look like Adonis.
I look vaguely like Adonis’s hairy chode after a good evening of analdicktion.
You need more pork and Corona. Or something.
You should also consider the Lundgren diet, which will turn you into an impossibly ripped mass of muscle. The only downside is constantly having to fight Sylvester Stallone.
Yeah, that and having your testes shrivel up to the size of raisins.
Wait…raisin sized testes???
THAT BIG???
Why are people always bitching about steroids?
Oh, how awesome it would be to see my testicles….
Possibly, maybe, conceivably, this could be too much information.
We do, as a matter of fact. We will comment on the internet UNTIL THE END OF TIME. Or until some pesky Scotsman comes looking for the Prize.
But will the Internet live as long as we do???
This man is pure metal. Love it.
YOU GUYS ARE MY NEW HEROES… I HAVE NEVER ENJOYED READING ANYTHING SO MUCH!!!! ( CAPS because I was that excited… )
I LIKE FEELING LIKE A HERO! PARTICULARLY IN ALL CAPS! (Thank you.)
YOU ARE!! 😀