What do you do when you see shit that makes you think, “Fuck, that’s metal!”, even though it’s not music? What I do is save it up and then periodically throw it your way in this series, which focuses mainly on videos, photos, and news items.
This is an all-video installment of THAT’S METAL! It’s going to be a slow build from the first one to the last one. I don’t really have a choice, because the last one is so fucking ridiculous that everything else would seem pretty meh by comparison if I ran it first. So, here’s what lies ahead: a very weird cloud phenomenon; a flamboyant cuttlefish; yet another emissary of Cthulhu entering our dimension; brick carrying like you won’t believe; and that last one . . . which is just lights-out nuts.
ITEM ONE
It’s no secret: I like clouds. Cumulonimbus clouds are those big, white fluffy ones that look like giant cotton balls. They can store up huge amounts of electric energy, which sometimes results in lightning strikes. Those clouds also contain ice crystals that themselves can hold static electric charges. The ice crystals, particularly needle-shaped crystal, tend to become aligned with the electric fields within the clouds.
When something happens to the field, such as a lightning discharge, the field re-forms and the crystals realign. When the sun is reflecting off a sheet of ice crystals in a cloud when they realign, the change is visible — and it’s fucking metal to see it happen, which is what’s shown on the first video after the jump.
Before you watch this video (filmed in Singapore), take a look at this graphic. It will show you where to look when the video begins:
(Credit for Item One goes to the Discover Magazine site, via Presurfer.)
ITEM TWO
Metasepia pfefferi, also known as Pfeffer’s Flamboyant Cuttlefish, is a species of cuttlefish occurring in tropical Indo-Pacific waters off northern Australia, southern New Guinea, as well as numerous islands of the Philippines, Indonesia and Malaysia. Despite the name, it’s not a fish. It’s a mollusc, and it’s related to the octopus; they’re both part of the class Cephalopoda.
As you’re about to see, there’s a reason why this species of cuttlefish is called “flamboyant”. Nature is very fucking weird. It can also be very fucking metal.
(via Presurfer again.)
ITEM THREE
Well now, since we’re in the general vicinity of octopuses, let’s pay a visit to our tentacled friends — before they pay a visit to us. You may think they won’t, since you live on land and they live in the water. I hate to break it to you: That won’t stop them. Maybe when they come en masse, they’ll be bringing crab with them, like this one. We can only hope. Also, I move like this when I have had too much tequila. Except when that happens, I don’t look as metal as this emissary of Cthulhu.
By the way, if you find the running monologues of curious three-year olds adorable, then you’ll want to listen closely to the sound portion of this video. However, if you’re like me, and would find it preferable to hear the sounds made by three-year olds while their eyes are being gouged out with spoons, then you’ll want to mute this.
ITEM FOUR
Over many millennia, human beings have made and carried bricks. Some undoubtedly have carried them on their heads. The more you can carry, the fewer trips you have to make to get bricks from A to B. I get that. But this dude in Khulna, Bangladesh has taken that principle to new extremes. This is really fucking amazing. Just when you think he couldn’t possibly get more up there, he does.
(via TYWKIWDBI)
ITEM FIVE
That last video is a tough one to top, so to speak. But have no fear, this next one leaves it in the dust.
I suppose that once “reality”-based talent shows became booming successes on TV around the world, people inevitably would begin to really push the envelope. But short of on-screen death or dismemberment, I’m having a hard time imagining how anyone is going to out-do The Warriors of Goja. The shit they pulled off on a televised Indian talent show has to be seen to be believed; it gets more and more extreme as the video progresses.
I love the faces of the judges as they watch this. My mouth was open, too. Definitely metal.
********
Welp, that’s a wrap. Enjoy the rest of your fucking day.
13 Responses to ““THAT’S METAL!” – BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (NO. 47)”
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SCIENCE = METAL
Item one: I’m glad you showed and explained this cloud phenomenon to me; if I had been lucky enough to see that myself without this foreknowledge I would immediately have scheduled myself for an MRI and/or started my own cult.
Item two: cuttlefish are the coolest fucking animals on the planet. Flamboyant cuttlefish give me a raging hectocotylus.
Item three: I can’t help but think that was the marine equivalent of someone throwing their McDonald’s wrappers in the ocean. “Here’s my lunch leavings – let’s see how YOU like it!” Also, I found the child’s babble far less annoying that what I assume was the mother. “Where are you headed, dood?” she said at one point. With any luck, he’s headed to your face to suffocate you by tentacle fellatio.
Item four: the brick stacking was pretty impressive….but then when he traversed from the boat to the shore…!
Item five: Holy SHIT. Clearly from the talent show “India’s Got Batshit Crazyfucks”, the Warriors of Goja are the most metal non-musicians I have ever seen. I’ve taken the liberty of translating the female judge’s words at the end of the video.
“If I had been pregnant you motherfuckers would have just made me shit my baby out on to the stage. I hate you all. It’s a good thing I had these throat lozenges because my neck pipe is raw from screaming. We’re going to give you fuckers a big stack of cash to NEVER COME HERE AGAIN. Thank you and good night.”
Thank you sir for the first, and possibly the only, belly laughs of my day. I especially liked the translation of the female judge’s remarks. Her performance during the show was almost as entertaining as The Warriors’ of Goja. I had an alternate translation in mind: “It was just aight for me dogs. Kinda pitchy in places, and the guy on the ground squirmed too much when the motorcycle rolled over his head. That’s why we’re giving first place to the 6-year old who sang “Nessun Dorma”. But because you drew blood, we’re giving you a consolation prize. Try harder next year.”
I was thinking about sending that Warriors of Goja video to you guys today. Great minds, huh?
Great minds, yes. The greatest, possibly of all time.
Yo, Islander, I’m really happy for you, Imma let you finish, but Einstein had the greatest mind of all time. OF ALL TIME.
I’ve heard of him. But he didn’t think about sending me The Warriors of Goja video, so he fails.
…or DID he?
No. He didn’t. Only I can project thoughts forward in time about events that have not yet happened.
I have here a letter addressed to me by one “A.E.” that says I should pass this on to you:
“I knew you were going to say that.”
Yeah I got nothin’.
I will have to learn more about this Einstein. We must be related.
That cuttlefish is fucking sweet!
I am also equally terrified for the coming octopod invasion and world domination.
First time I watched the warriors of India video my head exploded, this time I just ran away in fear.
It scared me too. These guys were so completely abandoned in what they were doing, I thought for sure something really awful was going to happen to one of them (something more than the dozens of cuts and bruises they obviously sustained).