FINALLY! After those dozens of e-mails I’ve received from Africans offering me ridiculous sums of money, fully loaded bags of gold dust, pre-funded ATM cards, and other forms of wealth in return for my personal details, I’m now starting to get e-mails from new friends offering other benefits. It’s about fucking time, because not one of those other motherfuckers has yet sent me a dime, despite the fact that I’ve replied to them quickly and sincerely and given them all the personal info they requested.
Here’s an intriguing message I got over the weekend from a helpful guy named Fritz Fish. I thought it would be good because of the alliterative name. When I replied to his message, I decided to just interlineate my responses in his message and send it back.
From: Fritz Fish
Subject: Overcome rod’s softness
Date: December 18, 2011 1:46:18 AM PST
To: Islander <firstname.lastname@example.org>
– There is no reason to feel depressed if you, like so many other men today, have hit the rough spot of your sexual life when you cannot seem to be performing as well as you used to do. Your agitation and frustration are easily understood, and still you should know that with the modern development of worldwide pharmacological industries it is but natural that there is bound to be a solution for your own needs when it comes down to solving your erectile dysfunction problems.
Dude, thanks so much for your interest in NO CLEAN SINGING and in the state of my mental and penile health. You’re like some kind of fucken mind-reader! How did you know I’d hit a rough spot in my sexual life? I’ve been so agitated and frustrated lately that I can hardly hit the bowl when I take a piss. I’m like painting the goddamned floor and walls all around the shitter with my piss. But I tell you what, I’m already getting rigid just knowing about the modern development of worldwide pharmacological industries and their solutions for my own needs.
– We suggest you getting erectile dysfunction drugs from our online drugstore cheaply, easily and without much to-do. You will always be taken care of and attended to with extreme care, and you will have the possibility of choosing from a wide range of erectile dysfunction products to find a solution that will best suit your particular needs.
My particular needs? Yeah, I got some particular needs. I wanna see the ol’ Battle Flag proudly waving in the wind again! I wanna unsheath the Mighty Broadsword and lay waste to friend and foe alike! I wanna sharpen the War Pike and start cleaving! I wanna hammer like a fuckin fully charged nailgunner and plunge deep like a sounding orca! You feelin’ me here? Gimme some a that extreme care bro!
– The whole world puts great trust in those famous diamond shaped pills, and if you are not an exception we would like to revise some basic points that speak in favor of putting your male health in the hands of those magical tablets.
Uh, whut? I thought we wuz talkin about the worldwide pharmaceutical industry, and now you’re goin’ on about magical tablets. You think I was born yesterday? Is this like your version of Jack and The Beanstalk? I don’t want no fuckin magic beans. I want some science to raise my stalk! And I don’t want any giants for a happy ending either.
– Firstly, there is no need for regular therapy. Those blue pills have to be taken directly before the planned sexual contact, and extra convenience shines through when you come to realize that the pills will not start working unless sufficient sexual stimulation is provided.
Well, firstly, your message is going downhill fast. A minute ago it was magic beans, and now you’re tellin’ me I need sexual stimulation or the shit won’t work?!? What’s convenient about that? I mean, where the fuck am I supposed to find sexual stimulation? It’s not like I haven’t tried, but I use some of my choicest lines at the bars and the fucken chicks look at me like I got a dick growing outta my forehead, or a turd oozing out my nose.
– Secondly, this erectile dysfunction solution is known for its extremely low adverse side effects profile, which makes it available for all age groups of patients. Besides, it really does not matter how old you are when it goes about taking erectile dysfunction pills. Just make sure that you do not overdose, and they will work for you at their best!
Whut the fuk is a “low adverse side effect profile”? Does that mean I’ll only have diarrhea on days that begin with a T? Jeezus, dude, I don’t want ANY side effects! None. Zero. Nada.
And what’s this shit about making sure I don’t overdose? OVERDOSE?!? I mean what’s that about? How do you define an “overdose”? Is my goddamn hooter gonna explode, or turn green and fall off? Fuck, next thing you’ll be telling me that if I stay rigid for more than four hours I’m s’posed to call a fuckin doctor, and how am I s’posed to pay for that shit with no medical insurance? Fritz, duder, you need to re-think your sales pitch.
– Finally, those fabulous pills do not only provide you with stable erection that can be maintained for as long as you need it they also help you to achieve unheard sensitivity during the sexual act as well as make your genitals look much more sizey!
Where are you from man? In what country do they say “much more sizey” when talking about man-meat? I’m starting to have second thoughts about your product. And I’ll pass on the “unheard sensitivity”. I wanna hear the honeys scream like that Big O is gonna take the top a their heads clean off, y’now whut I mean? Really fuckin’ LOUD shit!
– Think of all those benefits of taking erectile dysfunction pills and the effect you can produce on your loved one and do not hesitate to make your order and / or refills right away!
I’m trying to keep my mind on all the benefits, but I keep thinking about the magic beans and the diarrhea and the OVERDOSE. So, I’m hesitating. I’ve become hesitant. Which has been the whole problem all along, so you’re not really helping me here.
– When passion loses its heat, this fuel will rekindle it! Whats best for millions of men all over the world, will be the best for your couple also! Dont try suspicious and dangerous solutions, try these branded caplets on affordable prices on-line!
Wait. “The best for your couple”? I don’t have a couple. I don’t even have one. If you know a couple who would like to test drive my new weaponry with me, could you send me their contact info? I’d like ’em both female, and preferably human, though I’m not as choosy as I used to be. So let’s quit fuckin around Fritz — hook me up with the fuel so I can start fuckin around. You know the fuel I want — the kind with no side effects, no magic, and NO OVERDOSE.
Dude, you should write ad copy for Viagra. I bet their order sizes would triple overnight IF YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING.
Why yes, yes I believe I DO know what you’re saying!
So how far does the rabbit hole go?
ALL the way . . .
little does Fritz know that Islander pops wood for almost every metal band on the planet. LOL
Funny. You win again. (see blog sub-header)
I have an almost endless supply. 🙂
I think that “much more sizey” should be the sub-header on this site tomorrow.
Damn. I just made a change. I’ll hold this one for the future. 🙂
Now it seems like “Extreme News” is deliberately trying to sabotage you.
What?!? You don’t think a brilliantly written, sophisticated piece of humor qualifies for extreme metal news coverage?
Well a quick glance at their massive link wad up there suggests that you should come to NCS for Viagra, money from Nigeria, and the Great Kat. There’s NOTHING there about tentacle rape.
Massive link wad, Great Kat, tentacle rape. Where else can you get all of that in one post?
Exactly! That’s metal right there. Also, I could just delete that massive link wad, but it’s kinda making me stiff looking at it.
For some reason, the word “wad” always makes me think of this…
(Not safe for work, but don’t worry, it’s Bill Hicks.)