Dec 212011

Like gutted fish left waiting on a sunny river bank before a fry-up, we’re still basking in the glow of premiering a song from Global Flatline, the forthcoming album by those multinational gore-spatterers in Aborted. As is true of all Aborted albums, the track list for this one just gets your mouth watering:

01. Omega Mortis
02. Global Flatline
03. Источник Болезни (The Origin Of Disease)
04. Coronary Reconstruction
05. Fecal Forgery
06. Of Scabs And Boils
07. Vermicular, Obscene, Obese
08. Expurgation Euphoria
09. From A Tepid Whiff
10. The Kallinger Theory
11. Our Father, Who Art Of Feces
12. Grime
13. Endstille
Bonus track: “Nailed Through Her Cunt”

However, as delectable as this track list is, it could be improved. For example, that song we premiered — “The Origin of Disease”: Don’t you think it would have sounded better if it had been called “The Origin of My Penis”? I think so, even though I didn’t come up with that name (and he who did shall remain anonymous for now).

In an effort to enhance the appeal of the track list, we turned to Phro, our resident expert on branding (and I’m not talkin’ about coming up with names and slogans). Phro’s proposed revisions to Aborted’s album title and track list appear after the jump.

Granted, it’s tough to improve on many of Aborted’s song titles, but Phro has risen to the challenge. He may have risen in other ways, too, after hearing that song premiere. Here’s what he came up with:

Album title: Global Hardon

Track List:

01. Mega Penile Rigor Mortis
02. Global Hardon
03. Источник Болезни (The Origin Of My Penis)**
04. Torn-anus Reconstruction
05. Fecal Fuckery
06. Of Scabby Vajayjays
07. Vermicular!  Obscene! Octopus! Orgies!
08. Expurgation Engorgement
09. From A Tepid Faff
10. The Cuttlefish Fuckery
11. Our Father, Who Ate My Feces
12. Grimey Vagina Slime
13. Bumfucking Julia Stiles
Bonus Track: “Pails of Her Cum”

** Not conceived by Phro

So what do you think?  It’s better, isn’t it?  More penis and more tentacles and more disgusting — all pluses.

Aborted’s album isn’t out yet, so surely there’s still time to make these changes. So let’s get the letter-writing campaign under way!


  1. By a remarkable coincidence, The Cuttlefish Fuckery is the title of my mystery novel set in Victorian England.

    • Illustrated, I hope.

      • There are actually two versions. The version sold in mainstream (cowardly) bookstores will not have illustrations, because publishers can’t actually call themselves publishers unless they castrate someone’s art at least five times a day. The “true,” illustrated version will have to be limited to erotic bookstores and Scholastic book fairs.

        • “Get ’em while they’re young.” ~ Sandusky

          (I didn’t know how to spell his name, so I had to Google “Penn state child fucker.”

          • You’re a google wizard. I wanted to like this comment until I realized that we’re a kind of publisher.

            • Oh, dear. I wasn’t talking about you guys when I made the comment about publishers. You have not castraded anyone’s art as far as I know (and I don’t think actual publishers do that, really).

              Phro, you must give the shadowy men in black who run the internet a lot to talk about on their breaks.

  2. I don’t know why I haven’t thought about it before, but Phro needs to read Snowdrops From A Curate’s Garden by Aleister Crowley. Said to have been written by Crowley to amuse his wife, whose reading was limited to pornography. It is Phro-rific. “The most ridiculously extreme sexual fantasy ever composed”.

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