Greetings brethren and sistren, ’tis time for another edition of THAT’S METAL!, a rare mid-week edition, in fact. For the uninitiated, these are posts in which we collect videos, photos, and news reports that cause us to think, “Shit, that’s metal!”, even though it’s not music. Here we go . . .
I know this is a matter of taste, but in my opinion, everything tastes better with bacon on it. Such a sentiment will be offensive to vegetarians, animal rights advocates, nutritionists, gourmands, and people of advanced intellect everywhere. Even though I am not a person of advanced intellect, I am also conflicted in my feelings about bacon for many of the same reasons that cause offense to all those people. However, it just tastes too fuckin’ good for me to alter my own behavior or personal taste!
And by sheer happenstance, I came across several bacon-related items in the past couple of days, which I interpreted as a cosmic message to baconize NCS in this THAT’S METAL! installment. The first item is above (via Presurfer). You can buy it for $2,999.99 from the Everything Should Taste Like Bacon web site, run by Seattle-based J&D Foods, the same company that gave you baconlube (bacon flavored personal lubricant). It’s advertised as follows:
“Is there a better way to show your love of bacon forever than to be buried wrapped in it? We don’t think so. This genuine bacon casket is made of 18 Gauge Gasketed Steel with Premium Bacon Exterior/Interior, and includes a Memorial and Record Tube, Adjustable Bed and Mattress and Stationary and Swingbar handles. It also includes a bacon air freshener for when you get that buried-underground, not-so-fresh feeling.”
Yup. That’s a fine lookin’ ride. But wait, there’s more!
Inarguably, Vikings are metal. Ladies dressed as Vikings (at least some of them) can also be metal. Ladies dressed as Vikings with bacon on their shields? Metal.
I like her belt, too.
However, as metal goes, I think this trumps the chick with the Viking bacon shield:
Gives new meaning to the phrase, “just hangin’ out”. I wonder what she’s listening to? Something soothing and dreamy like Devin Townsend’s Ghost, or something brutal like Cannibal Corpse? And most of all, I wonder why in the name of holy fuck she is doing this.
But back to bacon . . .
Thanks to Ben C. from Church of the Riff, I saw this ad (via The Consumerist) for the latest food treat from Burger King:
This is the new Bacon Sundae, which includes fudge, caramel, crumbled bacon, and a full piece of bacon. Oh yeah, there’s ice cream in there, too. It has 510 calories, 18 grams of fat, and 61 grams of sugar, but who the fuck is counting?
I gotta say, this is really testing the reliability of the “everything tastes better with bacon” principle. But I’m really tempted. Really. Tempted.
Okay, enough with the bacon. But not enough from Ben C. He sent me links to the following photos. They’re from a series of portraits entitled BLOW JOB (fuck yeah!) by Lithuanian photographer and artist Tadao Cern. And no, these do not capture the reaction of hipsters upon listening to Marduk’s new album with the volume cranked to 11, or to episodes of demonic possession (which really amounts to the same thing). They show people enduring gale-force winds directly to the face.
Tadao Cern has taken 100 portraits so far. If you need more gale-force metal hilarity, you can go here to see the rest of the portfolio.
Time for some video candy. Astronomy Photographer of the Year Tom Lowe has made his first movie, which is called Timescapes. It features stunning slow-motion and timelapse cinematography of the landscapes, people, and wildlife of the American Southwest. Lowe spent 2 years roaming the region in his Toyota pickup truck shooting the film. It was shot, edited, and color-graded at 4K resolution (4096 x 2304 pixels), and Lowe says it’s the world’s first movie to be sold to the public as a 4K file. He is selling the movie HERE.
Trailers for Timescapes have been released previously while the movie was in production, but this is a new one, which fuckin’ blew me away. Definitely metal.
TimeScapes: Rapture 4K from Tom Lowe on Vimeo.
(via Presurfer, again.)
Look at this. It looks like a painting. It isn’t.
This is a photograph of camel thorn trees in Namibia taken by photographer Frans Lanting and published by National Geographic about five years ago. Using a telephoto lens and positioning the trees against a sunset-illuminated giant sand dune, Lanting created something quite amazing . . . and to my way of thinking, what he accomplished is metal. Here are more shots taken by other photographers in the same setting that look more like photos and less like paintings, just to help prove that this is a real place:
Time to wrap up this edition of THAT’S METAL!
Mount Nyiragongo is a volcano in the Republic of the Congo in Africa. The main crater is about two km wide, and in the middle of it is a lake . . . a lake of lava. When the lava overflows the rim of the lake, it can move very fast — as fast as 60 mph, and this makes it the fastest flowing lava in the world.
This seems metal to me, because it’s fiery, hellish, destructive, and beautifully untamed.
The following video shows a scientist approaching the rim of the lake to collect lava samples and take photos. This is a close call — it’s either metal or it’s a Darwin Award candidate in the making. But it’s probably both, because we all know that ridiculously stupid, like-threatening acts are also metal. Check it out (via TYWKIWDBI):
The girl is doing a suspension. Some people say it’s a very religious experience. (It was originally appropriated from a native American ritual.)
You can click here to see some other methods of suspension.
From what I’ve read, it feels quite a bit like flying. I think I’d like to do it some day…but I’m also a little (a lot) freaked about the possibility of passing out from the pain.
I should point out that most people say the pain isn’t that bad, and the likelihood of the hooks tearing through the skin is very, very low. It’s the thought of getting freaked out about the pain that freaks me out.
That was not coherent.
Also, this: http://vimeo.com/25948744
It looks fun!!
Oh holy fuck. Is that Grim Kim?
Yes, Grim Kim does do this sort of thing. Reading her various blogs can provide one with lots of good band recommendations, as well as the occasional, “OH GOD NO NO NO IT CANNOT BE UNSEEN!” moment, for those of us who are somewhat squeamish.
Yep, it is her. More metal than all of us combined. This is what she plans to do next: http://grimkim.tumblr.com/post/18181444301/angel-suspension-i-absolutely-love-this-its
Beautiful photo, but still makes me exceedingly queasy. Also, that’s the first time I’ve visited Grim Kim’s tumblr blog. Cool place.
First time I knew anything about suspension was when I watched a Richard Harris movie, A Man Called Horse, in which he’s suspended by bone hooks through his chest muscles in a Native American initiation rite. Can’t say I’ve ever had a desire to do this myself.
Yes! That was the name of the movie I was trying to think of.
Also, thanks for the link to that collection of photos. Now I won’t be able to eat anything for the rest of the day. I hope you’re happy.
Eh, on the scale of things that make me happy, that’s about a 6 out of 10.
If you vomited, we’d be getting close to a 7. If you weren’t able to get an erection for about a week, then, maybe, possibly, an 8.
How would having bloody diarrhea on a photo of you rate?
I’d give you an A for effort, but I’d have to mark you down for not taking better care of your bowels. Our poopers are sacred and bloody diarrhea is a sign of not treating yours as such.
So, I guess, maybe a 7.5?
Now, if you could simultaneously become impotent, vomit and SPRAY diarrhea on a photo of me having sex a goat…then you’d get a 10.
The trifecta! Er, quadrafecta?
Quadrafecta of Sex-A-Goat!
Um, you mean, tri- or quadfecal instead, right?
This is getting worse, not better.
Even though she’s not bleeding, I have to assume that the girl in item three is listening to Cannibal Corpse’s “Hung and Bled”
I think it’s a mark of how badass volcanologists are that not only did the one dude try to collect a sample straight from the lake, but the initial reaction of the guy watching him was a calm, “Yep, this is kinda crazy,” as opposed to say, grabbing his head and yelling several different variations of the term “Holy fuck!” (Although to be fair, he did start shouting when the lava started boiling.)
There’s definitely a form of badass that’s equivalent to batshit craziness, and vulcanologists who make field trips like this qualify in spades.
This seems relevant. And is quite the entertaining read if you’ve got a few minutes.
Yup, VERY entertaining.
The mother of all coincidences happend when I clicked on continue reading for this post. My iPhone started playing Eaten by Bloodbath.
That’s fucking metal and scary all at the same time.
I think you need to perform an exorcism on your iPhone. Or not.
I waited till I finished reading the article before I posted my comment and forgot to metnion that I was eating a Bacon Cheeseburger. That makes it even more weird.
OK, I think you need to perform an exorcism on yourself, too.
The first few items reminded me of this: Sexy Death Calendar
It’s a calendar made by an Italian coffin manufacturer. The newer ones are more genuinely sexy, I guess, but if you look at some of the older ones–they’re hilarious.
I’ll never think about coffins the same way again.
I should have mentioned that site is probably NSFW . . . .
Oh, dammit, they don’t have the really old ones on the site anymore. I wrote about them back in 2005, and managed to post one of the funnier pictures. If you do a Google image search for cofanifunebri, some of them pop up.
Those are winners. Also, I had no idea you’d been blogging for so long!
Blow jobs! (no not that kind) The video makes it look really creepy http://vimeo.com/43922070
OH SHIT! I had no idea this existed. Thank you, thank you for finding it!
Those trees look awesome shot like that. Good job on the photographer for taking the time to make his shot appear to be something more – or something else, as the case may be.
More of his work can be seen here:
By the way, together with my personal better half perform volunteer for a nearby food items kitchen pantry, store louis vuitton new bags for any foods kitchen pantry and also give away food. Also, most people make Trip Meal Bins in addition to contribute many playthings during Xmas for the Societal Products and services while in the village we are now living in.