I got cajoled into seeing a movie today that I didn’t really have any interest in seeing, and it turned out to be worthwhile. One line, often repeated, was: “Everything will be all right in the end, so if it’s not all right, it’s not the end.” There was also a speech near the end about success in life being measured by how you handle disappointment, and about the only failure being the failure to try. And then I got home and there, waiting in my e-mail in-box, was yet another chance for untold riches.
Despite all of my disappointments in sincerely answering similar e-mails, most of them from Africa, and my failure to obtain even one goddamn penny from any of these seemingly helpful correspondents, I had the movie’s lines ringing in my ears, and so I decided to try again. Full of renewed hope, and believing it must not be the end, I decided to really turn on the charm in answering the following e-mail from a helpful agent of the FBI:
From: “Ms. Tracy Sanson”
Date: June 30, 2012 9:47:29 AM PDT
Subject: THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER
I must let you in on the real facts about your delayed payment. As a member of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) on local and foreign debt attached to the World Bank office in Washington, DC, USA, I am very much aware of the ordeal you are passing through in order to actualize your long delayed payment.
I discovered that my Boss was conniving with some top officials of the World Bank to divert funds approved to settle Lottery winners, International contractors and Inheritance. The World Bank has already given approval for the payment of your fund while they are deliberately delaying your payment. They continue to issue one fee or the other from different quarters. I wonder why you haven’t noticed all this while. I can assure you this will keep happening if you do not do away with those officers.
Well I just hope you believe me, because if you don’t, your fund is gone. Your fund is currently authorized to be paid to you from a financial consultant in the UK or US, approved by the World Bank with a Key Tested Reference/CLAIMS CODE Number, which was supposed to have been issued to you, but they have decided to divert your attention by telling you that they have something to do with one committee or the other especially here in UK or Africa and making you believe that the fund will be transferred into your account – FALSE!
The reason why I am giving you this information is because of the fact that I was aware of it and my doctrine does not permit me to withhold such information. The only help you can get from me now, is the actual link to your payment, please do not give this information to my boss as it may lead to them influencing a total blockage to your payment, so you have to be very careful with this information. Upon your response to this message, I shall give you all you need to contact the affiliate Payment Office in UK or US.
FBI/WB AGENT,W-DC, USA.
Thank you so fucking much for ratting out your shitstain of a boss and giving me the real facts, as opposed to the unreal ones. What a conniving motherfucker, trying to delay and divert my funds with all those made-up fees and shit. I sure as fuck am glad that you’re honest and sympathetic to my ordeal. And I mean, it has been one flaming hell of an ordeal, too. You have no idea. Really, I don’t know how I’ve been surviving.
I’ve been suffering that special kind of agony that only comes from having to wait for something you didn’t know you were waiting for. It’s been such an ass burn of an ordeal that the only way I could fuckin’ cope with it was just to pretend I didn’t know anything about it, which is why I didn’t notice my bank account hadn’t fattened up with a bloated World Bank wire transfer. Voila! Mystery solved!
So, back to my funds being held up by those greasy, conniving motherfuckers in the World Bank, plus that pool of puke you call a boss. I’m pretty anxious to get the shit out of their conniving claws and into my righteous hands. That’s my doctrine, know what I mean? But look, do I really have to do away with those douchebags?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a an old-school badass and I’ve put the beatdown on a lot of motherfuckers, but I haven’t actually snuffed anyone yet, except of course for that dumbass little kid who I nailed in that school crosswalk cuz I couldn’t see him through the dope smoke in my car, but that wasn’t intentional. Man, I got the hell away from that scene like a bat outta hell!
btw, that’s not the kinda shit the FBI cares about, is it? I mean, I wouldn’t call that terrorism or white slavery or anything serious, like the kinda federal shit you deal with, and it’s not like I dragged his corpse beneath my car across state lines, it was only to the end of the block. So it’s cool, right?
Where was I?
Oh yeah, having to do away with those greedy fucks you work with. So yeah, I’m down with that, but only so long as it will get me the funds. But I gotta tell you Tracy, I got a few questions about your e-mail that make me wonder. Like, if you’re attached to the World Bank office in Washington, DC, USA, then why are you talking about being “here in UK or Africa”?
I ain’t never been to the UK or Africa, but it seems like a highly trained FBI agent ought to be able to tell ’em apart, y’know? I mean, they speak English in one place (they fuckin’ invented it there!) and they speak African in the country of Africa, so that ought to be a clue.
But hey, maybe I really don’t need any explanation about that since you said you’d send me all the info I need to contact the Payment Office as soon as I responded to your e-mail, and, well, this is my goddamn response, innit?
So don’t let me down Tracy. Gimme, gimme, gimme!!
Hails and horns,
What movie did you see??
I’ll help with the sniffing, just let me grab the handycam for my … HandyCUM.
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. That’s the name of the movie.
I thought you were making that name up, until I Google-searched it.
I couldn’t have made that up if I’d tried.
“the ordeal you are passing through” makes it sound like you’re passing a kidney stone or something. Or maybe coughing up bloody chunks because of that bag of gold dust you snorted. I wonder if doing away with those officers as the nice lady suggested would any. Hell, maybe it’ll help with some of the other riches held hostage by douchbags, lawyers and douchbag lawyers, among other unstanding citizens of the world with access to someone else’s loot.
They all seem to be bankers and lawyers. Probably easy to kill. And who would miss them? 🙂
And I did NOT snort the gold dust. I never got the gold dust. Or maybe I did. Does snorting gold dust impair your memory?
THE WORLD BANK ??Il!l? I’m in.
You know why these emails are so badly written and filled such insane claims? It’s an idiot-detector. The schemes work by getting the greedy fool to pay various “processing fees” along they way. They take a lot of time an effort to pull through (faking papers, making phone calls etc), so the perpetrators need to make sure they are not wasting their time. The emails are carefully written to ensure that only people that are actually stupid enough to go all the way will respond.
There was one case where not only the e-mail recipient was duped, so was his entire family, who had gathered enough money for the guy to travel to England (I think that’s where he had to go), pay for lodging for a while, cover administravive “fees”, and some other bullshit. Guy lost his house, job and burned through five digits in the process.
I are no idjit! And hey, the World Bank sounds cool. They probably have atm’s, like, all over the fucking world!
My response would’ve been much simpler:
I had a similar thought, except it was “Go fuck yourself”. But then I thought that would have been too quick a read.
“It’s been such an ass burn of an ordeal that the only way I could fuckin’ cope with it was just to pretend I didn’t know anything about it”
The Best Line. Islander, your delicate blend of coarse language and rationality is a marvel to behold. How cricket.
Thank you sir!