Nov 032012

I fell off a wall last night. Intoxicants may have had something to do with it, though native idiocy could explain the whole thing, too.

My wife is out of town. I had been out carousing. Turns out I had locked myself out of my house, and had left the house key inside. I had also forgotten to turn on any lights, and where I live, it’s pretty close to pitch black when the lights are off. I also had no flashlight in my car (yeah, I’m that kind of dumbass). I was trying to find my way around to the back of the house to a place where a spare key is hidden. This involved walking along the edge of a low wall above a shallow ravine.

I thought I’d passed the end of the ravine and could safely turn left to walk down a small slope to where the key is hidden, but like I said, I couldn’t see shit. I took a step, unexpectedly went down about four feet, and landed awkwardly. Skinned up my left leg and twisted my ankle pretty good.

I lay there for a few minutes whimpering, with the sounds of the lorises’ mewling laughter ringing in my head. After I made it inside (which took a while), I probably should have tried to do something about the ankle, something like putting ice on it or wrapping it in an Ace bandage, or cutting off my foot right above the sprain. But I was kinda fucked up and I wanted to get off of it fast, so I pounded some Advil and went to bed.

This morning it didn’t look too bad at first, but it hurts like a motherfucker and it didn’t take many minutes of hobbling around for it to start swelling up. At least it’s not black and blue.  Yet.

I am so lame, on so many levels. This is what happens when my brain leaves town. Fortunately, she’ll be back tomorrow night. So I’ve got 36 hours to cook up a story about how this happened. You got any ideas?

Anyway, long story short, I didn’t write anything for NCS last night. I haven’t written anything this morning except this confession of stupidity and pain. I’m sure I’ll get something metal done in the next hour or two. This definitely isn’t metal.

  36 Responses to “LAME”

  1. Just one more reason for me not to drink I ‘spose. But now we know that you also have legs, or at least a disembodied calf, ankle and foot.

    What’s the artwork up at the top?

  2. bwhahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    Sorry, sorry….


    You could always just use the old standby, “I fell down the stairs.” Or you just missed the ice cream truck and had to run to catch up but then slipped on an ill-placed pile of dog excrement.

    • I don’t know. Those stories don’t really sound like improvements on the truth. I was thinking more along the lines of coming across a team of burglars trying to get in our house, valiantly fighting them off single-handedly, and being hit in the ankle with a crowbar before they fled for their lives.

  3. Oh, come on! Stop all this lying.

    We all know you were out traipsing around a sewer, looking for some prime bloody condoms to suck on when you slipped on a sewer rat.

    I know it, you know, and your wife sure as hell will know it when she gets a wiff of your sewer-loving-self.

    (Seriously though, be careful.)

  4. so about flashlights, many many years ago I read a guide for foreigners moving to the states, it said that streets in the US are rarely lit so always carry a flash light in your car, fifteen years later I still have a giant maglight in my car…

    • I used to have a big maglite in my car (they make a handy weapon if needed, as well as providing light). I have no clue what happened to it. Didn’t even realize it was gone. I bought another one today when I got a brace for my ankle. 🙂

  5. Blame the garden gnomes. Those bastards are everywhere, and they’re in league with the pink flamingoes.

    Or it could’ve been ninjas.

    Ninja garden gnomes.

    • Well, I lost my nerve and just told the truth. After helpfully pointing out that I should have used my cell phone as a flashlight (I think I’ve heard that somewhere else before), she was very sympathetic.

  6. At least you weren’t on a bridge:

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