Dec 012012

This post probably belongs in the “THAT’S METAL” – BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC category. Here’s the scoop:

Beth Winegarner, whose web site is here, is a journalist, novelist, poet, and proud lover of heavy metal. Among other things, she has a blog that examines how so-called “controversial” teen interests, including violent video games, goth culture, heavy metal music, and paganism, can be a healthy part of growing up. She has also written and been interviewed about the place of women in metal culture (see this, for example).

Her latest creation, however, is a calendar with the title The Lengths You Go To – Poems From Penis Spam. There had to be a pretty damned sweet “Eureka!” moment behind this concept. I’ll let Beth explain it in her own words, via an e-mail I received today:

“Spammers love us and want us to be happy. Specifically, they want us ALL – men and women, young and old – to have bigger, longer, harder penises. That’s why they send us so many ridiculous emails, right?

While most of you have been hastily deleting all the “c1al1s” and “vaigra” spam from your junk-mail folders, I was combing through them for the juiciest, most unbelievable phrases – and turning them into poetry. Trust me, there were plenty to choose from.

The result? Twelve poems, coupled with slightly suggestive, slightly psychedelic artwork (think elephant trunks, hoses, and massive trees) in a month-by-month calendar for 2013.”

Here’s an example from The Lengths You Go To:

Excellent use of penis spam.  And this one isn’t even my favorite. To see the rest of the pages from the calendar and to buy it, go HERE (if you hover your mouse over the images, you’ll get close-up views that will let you see the eloquent verses).

This is good timing, too: Wouldn’t this make a great stocking stuffer, so to speak, or a unique holiday gift for that special someone in your life? And by “special someone”, I mean someone who needs a serious bombing with your ceiling-breaking bone-on.

Fuck yeah.




  1. I thought penis spam had a very different meaning….

    But this is cool too!

  2. I’m so buying this.

    I’ve always that some of the spam phrases were hilarious – this is genius use of them

  3. Godsdamnit, I wish people would stop stealing the ideas I wish I’d had.

  4. I never thought penis spam could be amusing…I have been proved wrong. ( . _ .)

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