Spam is evolving. I know this because our site gets bombarded by it every day. It used to be that I’d get e-mails from people in Africa offering me mountainous stacks of cash from dead relatives I never knew I had, or cancer-striken widows just looking for a good Christian willing to spend millions caring for orphans. For some reason I don’t get those e-mails any more, which is too bad, because now I can’t write responses and share them with everyone here on the site like I used to do. Now I’m seeing the spam in a daily flood of bullshit comments.
I guess there have always been spam comments, but I rarely saw them until recently. The WordPress software we use to create content for NCS includes a spam filter plugin called Akismet that runs in the background and has always done an excellent job detecting spam comments and eliminating them before they ever appear. But as I said, spam is evolving, and Akismet’s algorithms haven’t yet completely adapted to the spammers’ new strategies. Because of the way the new shit is crafted, Akismet puts them in a “moderation” queue, and I get an e-mail for every one of them that Akismet isn’t sure about, allowing me to decide whether the comment should appear or be trashed. And every now and then, one of them will slip through even that filter and appear on the site.
The reason this new generation of spam is puzzling Akismet is that the comments sort of look like they could be real, by which I mean that it’s more difficult for Akismet’s programmers to develop rules that will be effective in determining if they’re real or not. Which is why I’m having to look at them. And I’m getting really fuckin’ tired of looking at them.
I know better than to respond to the spammers. That’s what they want — they want some kind of interaction. How this helps them makes money I don’t understand, and I don’t care to find out. Most of the new generation of spam comments don’t include links, which is one reason I suspect Akismet doesn’t shit-can them immediately. In the e-mail alerts I get, however, I can see the URL links that are hidden within the names that were created when the spammers registered on the site so they could leave comments, and it’s obvious from those that the shit is spam. It’s also pretty obvious from the comments themselves, as you’re about to see. Plus, they’re usually left on posts that are months or even years old.
But even though I’m not going to actually respond to any of the spammers, I do make myself feel better by mentally composing responses. And I think I’ll feel even better by actually typing out some of them and leaving them here, even though I’m probably somehow helping the spammers by putting their vomit on this web page. So here goes: This is a selection of comments in my moderation queue that arrived over just the last 24 hours, and my imagined responses. I emphasize that I don’t really mean everything that I’m writing in these responses. For example, I wouldn’t let one of these fucks within a mile of my asshole.
“Very informative article post. Really thank you! Will read on…”
Wash my asshole with your tongue and then pat it dry with your nose.
“Read, of course, far from my topic. But still, we can work together. How do you feel about trust management?!…”
I hope you die in a fire. I would hope that your family will also die in a fire, except I’m confident you will never have a family.
“Internet is written with the capital letter in a sentence, by the way. And hundredths are written not with a point but with a comma. This is according to the standard. And actually everything is very good..!”
“Asshole” is also written with a capital letter in a sentence, as in, “Get a real job, you flaming Asshole”. Period. This is according to the standard.
“I’ve been browsing on-line more than three hours lately, yet I never found any fascinating article like yours. It is pretty worth enough for me. In my opinion, if all webmasters and bloggers made good content as you probably did, the web might be a lot more helpful than ever before.”
I could definitely believe your first sentence. I get that all the time. But then I came to “It is pretty worth enough for me”. What the fuck does that mean?
“This site was… how do you say it? Relevant!! Finally I’ve found something that helped me.”
You are . . . how do you say it? A douchebag! And don’t lie: you are beyond help.
“absolutely love your blog.. Excellent colors & theme. Did you develop this site yourself? Please reply back as I’m trying to create my very own website and would love to find out where you got this from or just what the theme is named.”
Did I develop this myself? Are you fuckin’ kidding me? Have you ever read anything I’ve written on this site? If you had, you’d know I can’t find my own butt with both hands and a map, much less develop anything. The name of the theme we use is Fuck You.
“Right here is the right blog for everyone who wishes to find out about this topic. You know a whole lot its almost hard to argue with you (not that I really would want to…HaHa). You definitely put a new spin on a topic which has been written about for decades. Wonderful stuff, just great!”
I’d like to take a big steaming shit in your open mouth. It’s wonderful stuff, just great! Don’t argue with me . . . HaHa.
“I’m amazed, I must say. Seldom do I encounter a blog that’s equally educative and interesting, and without a doubt, you have hit the nail on the head. The problem is something that not enough men and women are speaking intelligently about. Now i’m very happy I came across this during my search for something concerning this.”
Aw shucks, I bet you say this to everyone! Also, I’d like to hit a nail into your head, without a doubt.
“Fantastic beat ! I would like to apprentice while you amend your web site, how can i subscribe for a weblog website? The account aided me a acceptable deal. I had been tiny bit acquainted of this your broadcast offered bright clear idea…”
Here’s a bright clear idea with which you should get tiny bit acquainted: FUCK YOU.
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Um, you lost me after “whether or not water”.
“Shante claims she blacked out and about and next was able to find herself coming in contact with a multi function bloody knife, staring to the ground at going to be the woman which of you with your own money completely her a new one Always display a multi function”by-line”including the was looking for date which i He was able to find on the town that Beaverton store had a couple all around the stock If anything,going to be the Left has had the capacity for example a lot more vicious and divisive considering the fact that Tucson”
Okay, I’m hooked. What about Tuscon?
“Thank you for the good writeup. It in reality was once a amusement account it. Look complicated to far introduced agreeable from you! By the way, how could we keep in touch?”
I blacked out after reading this and was able to find myself coming in contact with a multi function bloody knife stuck in your nutsack.
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I give up. I have no words. You took all of them.
P.S. Speaking of spam, Facebook helpfully put this into my news feed and suggested that I like this page. For some reason I’m really tempted to click on this and explore it further. I don’t know why. I’ve never previously had much interest in record low interest rates. But I have a nagging feeling that if I click on that link I’ll be disappointed.
I think my favourite is the one that sounds like a guy giving a lecture on something he didn’t fully prepare for:
“This is definitely the best site about… this topic… and if you’re looking for stuff about… this kind of thing… well, I can tell you now that it’s far more informative than… erm… other sites which deal with the same sorts of issues!”
HA! That’s exactly what it sounds like. Fuck that guy.
I did thoroughly enjoy this article, webmaster.
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Aw shit, I guess you really are a spammer after all. Blow me.
aw hell naw webmaysta
HaHa! You had me going there. Know where I can get some fake Gucci sunglasses?
No, but I do know a place where you can get some BEATS BY DRE
“The name of the theme we use is Fuck You.” is it horrible that i laughed out loud at that? i don’t get out of the house much.
I sure hope it’s not horrible since provoking laughter was the point! Granted, my sense of humor isn’t terribly sophisticated.
For what it’s worth in the past few years I’ve seen the same sort of behaviour on a forum I administer, where spammers will register, most of them never post, but from the user details you can tell it’s quite obviously spammers. There the one reason I can imagine is that you as a registered user see the list of other registered users, so perhaps somebody will stumble upon your profile? I can’t imagine it being very effective though.
One is surprised the Professor (or Sayontan Sinha) hasn’t said anything yet about you talking smack about the theme he made so lovingly for you.
To be completely accurate in a coding kind of way, the Professor didn’t make the WordPress theme I use, Sayontan Sinha did. The Professor made the banner and the background image. But i didn’t mean to offend either of them. I meant to offend the piece-of-shit spammer. 🙂