We don’t run this site like a business. There’s no reason to, since we don’t take any money for anything. But we still try hard to make NCS good, and we want more and more people to come here. Your humble editor obsessively watches our traffic statistics, and all of us do what we can to spread the word far and wide. We want to be BIG. I’m really not sure why. I think it’s probably the testosterone.
Since this isn’t a money-making enterprise, I ignore the e-mails we get every day from people who want to sell us on what they can do to make us BIGGER. As fast as it takes to see what the e-mails are about, I delete them. Except for yesterday. Yesterday, for no good reason at all, I read one from “Senior SEO Advisor Amanda Moss” (SEO standing for Search Engine Optimization). Ms. Moss had some very interesting things to say, so I drafted a reply, in line with her message to me:
“Hi Nocleansinging.com Team,
Hope you are doing fine.
Yeah, I suppose. What’s it to you?
I thought you might like to know some of the reasons why you are not getting enough organic traffic & most often you stick to Ad words to get more traffic which is quite expensive and the chances is high of getting a spam traffic as well.
Huh. You mean spam traffic like your e-mail to me Amanda? That kind of spam traffic? Please, tell me this isn’t just some piece of cookie-cutter spam you send to an electronic mailing list of millions. Please tell me this is a highly personalized message you wrote because you genuinely care about NO CLEAN SINGING and our sacred mission. Go ahead: tell me.
Let me tell you that your website still does not organically rank on major search engine’s first page for most of the popular keywords, which means people searching for your products are not able to find your website and you are losing traffic.
No shit? Well maybe it’s not our fault. Maybe people aren’t using the right keywords in their searches, did you ever think of that? Maybe they’re using words like “intelligent”, “well-written”, and “tasteful”, instead of “cretinous”, “illiterate”, and “half-assed”.
Some of the major factors which can be overcome for your website to rank well in SERP organically and increase your social media presence are:
I have to interrupt you before you give me your list of major factors. You keep using words like “organic” and “organically”, and I have no fucking idea what you’re talking about. Also, you seem to think I give a shit about where we turn up in web searches. Where did you get that idea? And what the hell is “SERP”? Sounds like a goddamned sexually transmitted disease. I hope you’re wearing protection.
1. Seems like your website carries a lot of technical errors which prevents search engine to crawl and index your website properly.
Technical errors? Technical errors? Do you know who you’re talking to? I don’t make technical errors. I am errorless when it comes to technical. It must be the other writers. I work myself to the bone trying to get all the technical errors out of what they write, and sometimes it’s just too much for any one person to handle, as brilliant as that one person is. And what’s wrong with preventing a search engine from crawling? I mean, when my engine crawls, I get a fuckin’ lube and a tune-up.
2. Your website needs a proper keyword selection and optimization.
I wish you’d quit telling me what my website needs. You’re depressing me. Will you please stop?
3. Your website is not well furnished with enough quality and theme based back links.
Didn’t I just ask you to stop? Do you enjoy making a grown man cry? Do you get some kind of sick pleasure out of that? I do the best I can to provide back licks, and no one’s ever complained about it before.
4. Your website should be more inclined towards Social media promotion and a regular updates in major social networks.
Amanda, I’m beginning to think this isn’t a personalized, tailored message to me and me alone, targeted to my own various needs. Because if it were, you would already know that we have a Facebook page that I update every time we post something new here on the site. And if you’re about to go on about MySpace and Google + and Twitter, and other shit of that ilk, forget it. Who has the time for all that?
5. Missing quality web and promotion contents (Article, Blogs etc.) which is preventing your website to gain more authority and ranking in Web Market.
Look, there’s only one of me. I’ve told the other writers they need to work on providing quality contents, but they just won’t listen. It’s like trying to push mercury uphill. Dealing with them, I feel like Luke Skywalker with Yoda on my back.
In the present day scenario it’s very essential to take a proper care of your website and keep it updated with fresh and original contents. There are many additional improvements which can help your website to gain more traffic and visibility. If you are interested to learn more and curious to know how we can help you to improve your website to get a higher traffic, then I would be glad to provide you a detailed proposal for your website.
(sobbing) Fresh and original content! Oh, what I wouldn’t give for some fresh and original content instead of the drivel I’m forced to post here. Do you know how hard it is to be fresh and original? That requires some actual talent! Talent doesn’t grow on trees, at least not the trees where I and the other writers live. We need fertilizer for our talent trees! Can you make a proposal for talent fertilizer? Please tell me you can. Please tell me you’re not just peddling garden-variety shit.
Our clients’ consistently tell us that their customers find them because they are on the top of Google. Being on the top of Google is the best thing you can do for your sales and online reputation. This email just tells you the fraction of things we do, our optimization process involves many other technical factors which can be sent to you on your request. If you would like to know more about our services then please write us back else you can give us a call us in our number mentioned below.
I’d love to get on top of Google and pound away like a stallion, with or without lube. But Amanda, I gotta tell you that you’re losing my confidence here. Because we don’t sell a goddamned thing. I mean, I’m just an amateur, but wouldn’t we have to be SELLING SOMETHING in order for getting on top of Google to improve our sales?
Also, your e-mail hasn’t told me a fraction of anything you do, other than write meaningless, jargon-laden e-mails. And I think you’ve told me all I need to know about that. Please tell me you have something more to offer than gibberish e-mails that only make me feel inadequate and depressed. Please tell me your technical factors include something more than banging away on your keyboard like a monkey on meth and hitting “send”.
P.S: – This is our marketing strategy to use a Gmail account. Once you reply us back, we will communicate with you through our corporate Email ID.
I wondered about that Amanda. I wondered why your e-mail address is just some gobbledygook @ Gmail.com. Do you really have a “corporate Email ID”? Is it Amanda@WeSpamGibberish.com? Would you like to lick my back?
Let me know your thoughts and looking forward to work together.
I’m really looking forward to working with you, too, Amanda. I’m getting hard just thinking about your technical factors and your optimization process and the magic words for getting on top of Google and how they’re going to increase our SERP, organically of course. We’re going to be BIG! Aren’t we?
Senior SEO Advisor