READ THIS PRODUCT ANNOUNCEMENT BY THE MONOLITH DEATHCULT

The Monolith Deathcult, with whom all loyal NCS readers are amply familiar because we talk about them so much our lips are chapped, are offering a limited-edition box set that isn’t really a box set because it has no box, but does contain these items: Tetragrammaton (2013) 2-LP in 180 grams clear vinyl in gatefold design; Trivmvirate (2008) 2-LP in 180 grams clear vinyl in gatefold design; Obliteration of the Despised Promo (2002 – sold out!) LP in 180 grams clear vinyl; a heavy duty carrying bag for carrying items that need carrying; and a limited “crest” design T-shirt.

But lest you think we’ve become shills for band mercy, the real reason I’m posting about this isn’t the merch (though I’m sure TMDC would appreciate your buying all this shit here), it’s the TMDC product announcement. It’s good. It’s funny. So I thought I’d share it. Because I can:

Hand-pressed in a sweat shop by forced child labour. Purchasing this item ensures that one community in an emerging economy will live in a pit of toxic sludge and abject poverty for at least 15 years. Made from 100% unrecycled material from unrenewable sources. Only slighly lethal to aquatic mammals. Do not use as a toy. Observe proper safety instructions when handling. Keep out of reach of children. Use only in a well-ventilated area. Exposure to this box-but-hey-it’s-not-a-box-box set may cause joint pain, nausea, head-ache, or shortness of breath. You may also experience muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, and ringing in the cars. If you feel faint, call your doctor.

Do not consume alcohol while listening to these albums; likewise, avoid red meat, shellfish, and vegetables. O.K. foods: flounder. Under no circumstances eat yak. Men can expect painful urination while sitting, especially if the penis is caught between the toilet seat and the bowl. Projectile vomiting is common in thirty per cent of users-sorry, fifty per cent. If you undergo disorienting nausea accompanied by migraine and raspy breathing, double the dosage. Leg cramps are to be expected; one knee-buckler per day is normal.Severe risk of public anal seepage.

Bowel movements may become frequent-in fact, every ten minutes. If bowel movements become greater than twelve per hour, consult your doctor, or any doctor, or just anyone who will speak to you. You may find yourself becoming lost or vague; this would be a good time to write a screenplay. Do not pilot a plane, unless you are among the ten per cent of users who experience “spontaneous test-pilot knowledge.” If your hair begins to smell like burning tires, move away from any buildings or populated areas, and apply tincture of iodine to the head until you no longer hear what could be taken for a “countdown.” May cause stigmata in Mexicans.

If a fungus starts to grow between your eyebrows, call the Guinness Book of World Records. May induce a tendency to compulsively repeat the phrase “no can do.”. This bit is stolen from Steve Martin. This box-but-hey-it’s-not-a-box-box set may cause visions of the Virgin Mary to appear in treetops. If this happens, open a souvenir shop.