(As part of our continuing year-end Listmania series, we welcome back guest contributor Happy Metal Guy. This post may make somewhat more sense to you if you also read Happy Metal Guy’s Metalocalypse Survival Guide.)
The unmetal horde is spreading its presence faster than I thought, and I dread the day their inferior presence taints the great, freezing kingdom of true metal in the North.
I can see the horde approaching in the distance. I need to plan my escape route to the next safehouse as soon as possible. But first, if you are reading this and this abandoned safehouse seems deserted and bloodless, it means that I have already safely made my way to the next safehouse.
This fateful year, I could not have made it through the unmetal apocalypse without the aid of the following soundtrack. These are the records that get me “into the mood” to slaughter those unmetal beanpoles as mercilessly as Scyther slashing through a field of burnt Bellsprouts. However, listen to them at your own risk! ‘Cos if they don’t work for you, you might be better off not listening to them at all while on the run; better to have your ears unplugged while escaping than to stubbornly adhere to someone else’s personal playlist. You wouldn’t want to end up like Egoistic Metal Guy, who is now that emaciated figure shambling about the floor just above you. The following soundtrack did not work for him, but he plugged those earphones into his ears anyway to give himself a “handicap”, so that the “piteous unmetal poseurs” could have a fair fight with him.
Well, so much for his valor.
(The following post was written by guest contributor Happy Metal Guy.)
The unmetal have risen. How protected are you from them?
Only ignorant fools decry the severity—or even the existence—of the unmetal plague. This handy article is your key to surviving the metalocalypse, and hopefully it will enable you to make it through young enough to revitalize the human gene pool. Make haste, for every second you waste in contemplating the validity of this article is a second gained for the cunning horde out there that is always actively seeking out ways to infect you. Everything you need to know to safeguard yourself and your loved ones against the ravenous unmetal can be found here through 10 unproven, fishy-sounding tips. Don’t be an ignorant fool, this article can save your life.
1. Learn to spot the signs!
Prevention is the best cure—this cliché aphorism never made more sense in today’s unmetal epidemic. Argonium may be an untreatable virus at the moment, but Mother Nature is not without her sadistic sense of humor. Thank Lemmy that she’s kind enough to throw in all those obvious symptoms to warn us of infected individuals, which ranges from body graffiti such as tattooed Chinese characters whose bearers usually don’t even know their meanings, to severely gauged earlobes (that seem to serve the purpose of encouraging another form of alternative copulation) and faux hawk or “tsunami” hairstyles, to name just a few off the foremost atoms atop the needle-sharp tip of the Titanic-sized iceberg. In summary, the gist is that the most commonly seen members of the unmetal can have appearances that lean to either end of the following two extremes: resembling either Frankie Palmeri or Andy Biersack. The special infected, however, are a more dangerous and cunning breed and will be discussed last in this article.