We don’t read The Onion except when when one of our buds sends us a link — which happened yesterday. The piece we read has nothing to do with metal, but it’s just too fucking perfect not to share. If you’ve already seen it, we’ve got another new post today below this one about a creepy new music video from a band called Criminal. If you’ve already seen that one, well, I guess we’re just shit out of luck for today. Anyway, without further introduction, here’s that piece from The Onion, which appeared under the headline, “MASSIVE FLOW OF BULLSHIT CONTINUES TO GUSH FROM BP HEADQUARTERS.”
LONDON—As the crisis in the Gulf of Mexico entered its eighth week Wednesday, fears continued to grow that the massive flow of bullshit still gushing from the headquarters of oil giant BP could prove catastrophic if nothing is done to contain it.
The toxic bullshit, which began to spew from the mouths of BP executives shortly after the explosion of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig in April, has completely devastated the Gulf region, delaying cleanup efforts, affecting thousands of jobs, and endangering the lives of all nearby wildlife.
“Everything we can see at the moment suggests that the overall environmental impact of this will be very, very modest,” said BP CEO Tony Hayward, letting loose a colossal stream of undiluted bullshit. “The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean, and the volume of oil we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total volume of water.”
Hayward’s comments fueled fears that the spouting of overwhelmingly thick and slimy bullshit may never subside. (more after the jump, including some ghastly photos . . .)
According to sources, the sheer quantity of bullshit pouring out of Hayward is unprecedented, and it has thoroughly drenched the coastlines of Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida, with no end in sight.
Though no one knows exactly how much of the dangerous bullshit is currently gushing from BP headquarters, estimates put the number at somewhere between 25,000 and 70,000 words a day.
“We’re looking at a truly staggering load of shit here,” said Rebecca Palmer, an environmental scientist at the University of Georgia, who claimed that only BP has the ability to stem the flow of bullshit and plug it at its source. “And this is just the beginning—we’re only seeing the surface-level bullshit. It could be years before we sift through it all and figure out just how deep this bullshit goes.”
Congressional hearings aimed at stopping the bullshit have thus far failed to do so, with officials from BP and its contractors Halliburton and Transocean only adding to the powerful torrents of bullshit by blaming one another for the accident.
Along with the region’s wildlife and fragile ecosystem, countless livelihoods have been jeopardized by BP’s unchecked flow of corporate shit. Those who depend on fishing or tourism for their income are already feeling the noxious effects of the bullshit firsthand, as out-of-control platitudes begin to reach land and seep ashore.
Dense streams of shit are expected to continue spreading throughout the region and the entire United States.
“This bullshit, it’s everywhere,” said Louisiana fisherman Doug LaRoux, who lost his house to a tide of government bullshit following Hurricane Katrina. “It reeks. Big buckets of disgusting shit are oozing everywhere you look and I don’t know if it’s ever going to stop. I feel helpless”
Added LaRoux, “I never thought I’d be the victim of so much bullshit.”
Observers have noted that after the Exxon Valdez spill in 1989, corporate bullshit gushed up like a geyser for two decades and didn’t wane until the oil company had bullshit its way through an exhaustive process of court appeals that ultimately reduced payouts to victims by 90 percent.
Despite Hayward’s denials that BP is at fault for the environmental disaster and his concern that it will result in “illegitimate” American lawsuits, the embattled CEO has still managed to trickle out a few last drips of bullshit sympathy for Gulf Coast residents.
“I’m as devastated as you are by this,” Hayward said after a meeting with cleanup crews on Louisiana’s Fourchon Beach. “We will clean every last drop up and we will remediate all of the environmental damage.”
“There’s no one that wants this thing over with more than I do,” he added a week later, just absolutely defying belief with the thickest, most dangerous bullshit yet. “I’d like my life back.”
Many environmentalists, including Palmer, have called for a boycott of BP until the bullshit stops or is at least under control, but they emphasize that in the long term, Americans will have to change their habits if they wish to avoid future catastrophes.
“We must all work together if we’re going to cure our nation of this addiction,” Palmer said. “The sad fact is, the United States has been running on bullshit for decades.”