Jul 212010

Not long after we launched this site, one of my sometimes collaborators (Alexis) thought it would be a good idea if we set up a MySpace page to increase our visibility (y’know, like from 3 readers up to maybe 5 or 6) and to reduce the opportunities for people to pirate our awesomely ingenious site name for their own nefarious ends (y’know, like using it to sell dick enlargements or herpes treatments).

So she set up a NO CLEAN SINGING page on MySpace. As it turns out, that was a good idea. Now we’re selling our own dick enlargements and herpes treatments.

Just kidding. It really has been beneficial, for reasons I’ll explain. But we’ve also had some unwanted consequences. To be specific, we get e-mails and strange friend requests via MySpace that we could really do without. But it occurred to us recently (as a result of comments following our “Miscellany No. 2” post) that we could have some fun with this shit (after the jump). Who knows, maybe you will have some fun with it too.

But first, a short list of things we like and don’t like about MySpazz:


  • By becoming MySpace “friends” with bands we’re interesting in following, we get bulletins and notices of blog posts from them. That helps us keep track of their news efficiently. Sometimes that helps us think of things to write about on this site.
  • We can use MySpace to send bands e-mail messages. Sometimes, that’s the only way we can find to message bands when we have questions or requests, or to tell em about something we’ve written.
  • Having our own MySpace site provides a way for bands to make us aware of their music by sending us “add” requests. We’ve discovered (and written about) lots of bands we might not have discovered except for those add requests.
  • When people on MySpace add us as friends, they get alerts when we post new blog entries (though there are easier ways to get those alerts). Of course, readers can just make it a point to visit NCS every day, because we always put up something new here every day.
  • MySpace gives us a way to listen to a band’s music to see if we like it, and to find band photos and artwork to use in our posts.

(after the jump, things we don’t like, plus a sample MySpace message we recently received, and our proposed response . . .)


  • MySpace pages take forever to load. The more elaborate the page, the longer it takes. Maybe we should be more patient, but honestly, we’re very busy, important people.
  • The quality of the music streams on MySpace sucks. There are much better on-line vehicles for bands to use if they want to stream their tunes.
  • MySpace puts fucking ad banners on our page, and everyone else’s page, whether you want em to or not.
  • We get unwanted e-mail messages and strange friend requests from people who obviously have no idea what we are about, even though our MySpace page is pretty accurate in its description.

But as we said, maybe there’s an opportunity here to turn lemons into lemonade, to make some of the e-mails and friend requests we receive the subject of entertainment. It’s worth a try, right?

So, here’s an actual message we received from an alleged MySpace member, plus our imaginary response. It’s imaginary, because there’s no fucking way we would actually respond to this thing.

Dear Jane:

Thank you so much for your interest in NO CLEAN SINGING.  You are obviously a person who is a big fan of extreme metal, because only fans of extreme metal would check out our MySpace page and decide to become our MySpace friend and write such a thoughtful personal note to us and share your thoughtful comments about the metal scene and all the rad bands you like. (Do you like the band Vaginal Holocaust? They’re from France.)

I think you’re cute too.  I can tell you’re cute because of the personal photo you sent with your message.  It means a lot that you would share such a personal photo with me and me alone (along with the hundreds of millions of other MySpace users).  I know it means a lot to all of them too.

I’ve started carrying a copy of your photo in my wallet, in case any dudes wanna see a pic of my girlfriend. I had to write my own note on the back, y’know, pretending to be you, but I don’t really think I’m deceiving anyone, because I just feel like it’s a matter of time before you and I hook up. It’s like an inevitable thing, just destined to happen, like the eventual end of all life on earth.

Jane, I feel like I can confide in you. I’m a very outgoing person, but I’ve become careful about making friends online.  Sometimes, I’ve found that people pretend to be cute brunettes and then it turns out they’re really ugly chicks with facial hair, or that one time when it turned out to be a dude.  I wish I hadn’t taken that long plane trip to Detroit to meet her/him.  Asshole wouldn’t even give me back the check I mailed before finding out she was a dude. Fucking asshole.

But I know you’re not like that because of the photo you sent.  Also, I can tell you’re a really sincere honest person because you said I’m cute. Many people tell me that, but only the really sincere honest people. I did wonder for a moment about how you knew I was cute since there’s no photo of me on MySpace, but I know you must have some way of knowing or you wouldn’t have said that.

Besides, you said we may have spoken online, and you’re absolutely right!  Because I was chatting online just yesterday with a total stranger who said they were a cute brunette!  So that had to be you.  I was waiting to send my check and buy a plane ticket until I got a personal message with a very personal photo meant only for me, and now I have it!

I know we would really hit it off because you obviously really dig extreme metal and I really dig extreme metal.  So we already have a lot in common. We could just play some really killer music together and rock the fuck out, while reading all the awesome things I’ve written for NO CLEAN SINGING.  That would be so cool. (Do you like the band Anorectal Menstruation?  They’re also from France.)

I can tell you’re kind of shy because you’re not looking directly at the camera in that very personal photo you sent, and I think that’s ultra-cool, because aggressive women make me nervous and kinda scared. But you’re obviously a metalhead chick because you have taken such a personal interest in our MySpace page, so you already know that about metalhead dudes.

Please send me your address and personal phone number, but not one that charges my credit card when I call it.  I’m just about maxed out on my card, what with all the interest and late fees and the recurring monthly charges from some online sites I visit late at night, and I want to save some room on the card in case I have to hire a private detective to track down your address and personal details, because I am really, really interested in meeting you in person.

I haven’t checked out your personal web page yet, but I know it will be cute, just like your photo, and meaningful, and filled with the 411 about your favorite metal bands — not like some other links I’ve visited because of cute brunette photos that turn out to be places that want to sell me dick enlargements and genital herpes treatments, or porn.

But yes, I will see you soon, very soon, and I will make it a surprise visit.  I bet you like surprises. I’ll just show up at your door in the middle of the night, with some killer metal and some Red Bull and vodka. That will be so cool.

So anyway, yeah, thanks again for your interest in NO CLEAN SINGING.  Can’t wait to chat more, and to see if you’re wearing bikini bottoms that match your top, or any bottoms at all!  😉  Do you have photos of anything below the waist?

Your MySpace friend,
Islander@nocleansinging  \m/

P.S. Jane, here’s a photo of me with my last girlfriend, all dressed up to go headbanging at a Bizarre Ejaculation show. They’re from France. They’ve got a great song called “Drowning in Uterovaginal Secretions”. But you probably know about that already.

(P.S. to our readers: I haven’t checked out Jane’s web site. I don’t intend to. I suggest you don’t. Vaya con dios.)

(P.P.S. We have more e-mails and MySpace friend requests that would be fodder for more posts like this one.  In fact, a nearly endless supply.)

  13 Responses to “MYSPAZZ”

  1. Bwahahahahahahahahahaha….breathes……bwahahahahahahahaha

  2. And just why in the hell did you NOT send it. The awsomeness that would ensue would be legendary. You trolled the troll. Exceptionally well done, my good man.

    • Glad you enjoyed it! I may rethink my decision not to send it, just to see what would come next — probably nothing. But if I do it, I’ll post an update with the results.

  3. I didn’t read your response to “Jane” yet. Maybe after work.

    For all the hype over Facebook, I think mySpace is still the better choice when it comes to finding and being in contact with bands, while last.fm has its merits as well. Of course, there are other sites where bands have a decent presence, but I think mySpace is still at the top of the list until something better comes along that can blow it away – and it’d have to be able to outweigh what Facebook and Twitter can do for a band as well.

    With mySpace, I’ve been able to ask questions of bands/musicians directly and stumbled across some decent stuff over the past few years or so. Plus, chances are, there are at least one or two bands in a bands’ friends that you’re going to like as well. Sure, the audio quality could be better and I hope that larger files (and thus, higher bitrates) can be put up, but it’s not really that bad. Usually.

    But, some bands and labels go nuts with the content they add and have shitty layouts that make it hard to navigate and/or read what’s on the page. I’m a firm believer in KISS – as in, “Keep It Simple, Stupid”, not the band… or should I say brand at this point? If a profile has 20 Youtube/Vimeo videos (or embeds from anywhere else) and have half a dozen widgets as well – some of which play the same songs (without increased quality) that the mySpace profile itself has – you’ve failed in my book. It doesn’t have to be a bare-bones, basic black and white design, but there is such a thing as too much and if a page takes several minutes to completely load on broadband, I’m probably going to go somewhere else.

    • Exactly right. There’s got to be a middle ground between a stripped down page that sends the message “we’re going nowhere” and something that’s so loaded with crap that it completely consumes your computer’s RAM. But I’m also with you that for all its faults, MySpace is still the best networking vehicle for what we’re doing. I’ve still got my fingers crossed that Bandcamp will take off and become a platform for all the things MySpace currently does, and I like ReverbNation too.

    • Agree 100%

  4. Awesome, I’m we at Deathmetalbaboon.com aren’t the only ones to receive the shite. What else you get on MySpace: total non-metal related bands and musicians contacting you. Yesterday an obscure techno formation from Bulgaria dropped by, but I’ve a had a Belgian girly-girls formation making kiddy-music about gnomes and flowers too.

  5. Fuck: scrap the “I’m”

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