Aug 282010

One of the many things we like about the comments on this site is that you never know where they’re going. They can start on one subject and finish in an entirely different place. Usually, they stay within the bounds of music, but not always.

Yesterday provided a good example. One string of comments started with Goatwhore and finished with a burger recipe. No shit.

And not just any burger recipe. This one came by way of Dutch metal blogger Niek, and included cheese-onion rolls, fried egg, bacon, gouda cheese, and a pineapple slice. And here’s what Niek’s finished product looked like:

Well, that just looked and sounded so fucking good that I had to try and duplicate it, right down to the Grolsch beer in Niek’s photo. Our results are at the top of this post, and the story is after the jump, along with suitable musical accompaniment.

I was going to attempt this feat of copying by myself for lunch yesterday, but it turned into a group adventure — dinner for four, including my two sometimes NCS collaborators, Alexis and IntoTheDarkness.

It took me a couple of stops, but I got all the required ingredients, including the Grolsch. The only place where I had to cheat was the bun. I found cheese buns and I found onion buns, but no cheese-onion buns. Must be a Dutch thing. Anyway, I went with the onion rolls.

We fried the bacon and the eggs, and then the time came for the main ingredient. Niek’s patties looked so gargantuan that we started with a half-pound of lean ground beef per burger, and we also decided to pan-fry the pineapple slices for a few minutes, too.

Eating those babies was a challenge. You’d have to unhinge your jaw to get the thing in your mouth, and the ingredients kept trying to escape the buns. But we like rising to challenges, and somehow, we managed to eat everything. To quote the immortal Samuel L. Jackson,

Tasty burger sound bite

Seriously, that was an awesome burger — all the different tastes combined into a very metal eating experience, burger-wise. That Grolsch went down very easy, too. Really good beer. Could be habit-forming.

And then the food coma hit.  Like a ton of bricks.  I felt like a fucking walrus out of water, except I couldn’t even lift a flipper. My eyelids were the only thing I was capable of moving. I may never have to eat again.

Fortunately, this is why god made TV and the NFL, and the Seattle Seahawks were playing the Vikings. The Hawks’ defense played really well, the offense sucked, the Hawks lost, and I still couldn’t move. My comrades in metal food-dom weren’t faring much better.

This burger needs a name, but I’m still too comatose to come up with a clever one. I’m tempted to call it “The Punisher”, but that’s not metal enough. Have to think on it after I can think again, y’know, sometime in 2011.

I’m gonna try to sleep this off, though I have a feeling I’ll be re-living the experience in my dreams.

In honor of this awesomely brutal burger recipe and our bro Niek who turned us on it, we need some Dutch metal that, like the burger, is heavy and sweet, crushing and sublime, beefy and tangy. I’ve got just the thing! A suitably entitled tune by Detonation from the album Portals To Uphobia:

Detonation: The Loss of Motion Control

  8 Responses to “METAL FOOD = FOOD COMA”

  1. Mmmmmm… burger…

    I’ve been surviving on potato chips, a handful of pretzels and the occasional cookie or two at work the past few days. Right now, this sounds and looks very appealing. If I weren’t broke for a few more, I’d take a hike up to the store and grab the ingredients, although I’d probably fall asleep when I got there – 17 hours isn’t much fun, especially when there’s not really much to do but sit around for most of that time. I think I’d rather be busting my ass instead doing something.

    As for a name…

    Dutch Gutbomb?

    Coma Deluxe?

    No Clean Digestion?

  2. Haha, fuckin’ brilliant! I know exactly how you felt/feel. Had the experience myself last night. Felt like a binge-eater. What I also experienced was the bucking ingredients. I had beef juices and ketchup running all over my hands, arms and face, and one bit of cheese dropped out, but I managed to keep all the rest in. Have to say the Detonation matches extremely well. Heavy and sweet indeed. Brilliant piece of guitar solo to match the pineapple. Some crunchy riffs to represent the bacon. And some lovely melody lines that make the beef. What an analogy!

    For a name then, I’m just going to drop in a couple of suggestions:
    Stomach Stuffer
    Binge Burger
    The Super Sick-for-a-week
    Or maybe just the Grolsch Value Meal

    You know what, you could even turn this into a little joint NCS-DMB competition. Best name wins. I should be able to dig up a couple of (new) metal CD’s to make for a reward. If you’re up for it, drop me a line.

    • More good names! I’ll write you about the competition.
      I had my doubts about the ketchup when I saw your photo, but it worked really well with the rest of the tastes. Besides, I think any other condiments probably would have been putrid, and not in a good way.

      • Yeah at some point you have to know when to stop. I bought lettuce for it too, but in the end I didn’t feel it needed it.

        • I think lettuce would have been a mistake. Same for tomatoes. Besides, if you were to put anything more on the stack, I don’t think there’d be any way to get your mouth around it. You’d just have to shove the thing in a blender, hit the puree button, and drink it.

          • Actually, I had a few thin slices of tomatoe on them. So thin in fact that I could see right through thenm. And so could my taste buds, because I didn’t even notice they were there in the end 😛
            Guess there was enough tomatoe in the form of ketcup there anyway.

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