Even for people as gullible as me, the trials of harsh experience can produce a thimbleful of wisdom.
As I’ve recounted in these pages, people from all over the world (okay, mainly from Africa) have written me with offers of pre-funded ATM cards, wire-transfers of vast sums of money, bags of gold dust, boxes of cash, and more. Those messages have come from British bureaucrats, orphans on the run from murderous uncles, ovarian cancer survivors, bank officers, you name it. Sometimes, they’ve discovered I’m the sole survivor of dead relatives I never knew I had.
I took them at their word. I promptly wrote back to every one of these people, trying to do my part to make possible the delivery of wealth into my hands, so that I might fulfill grand projects that would turn NCS from a half-assed metal blog into a global empire of awesomeness. And every one of the slimy motherfuckers has failed to deliver. And yes, I’ve learned something from these hope-crushing experiences: Don’t trust anyone offering you money if they don’t know what Fleshgod Apocalypse is.
But, I confess, hope springs eternal. And an e-mail I received just this week from a dude in Ghana has revived my hopes. It’s just so eloquently written that I know something good will come of it. Plus, I think this is the biggest offer of cash I’ve yet received. After the jump, the message I got and my heart-felt reply to it.
From Mr.Pascal Akossa
Cal Merchant Bank
Ring road Accra Ghana.
I am enchanted using this tremendous opportunity to converse with you in this medium of communication. I am Mr.Pascal Akossa Finance director Cal Merchant Bank Ghana. I am contacting you for a possible business transfer worth $10,500,000.00 I am using this moment to give you the cognizance and also to seek your assistance to this business proposal. I got your contact over the internet.
In my department I discovered an abandoned sum of $10,500,000.00 in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customers Mr. Alan Williams, A British National who died along with his entire family in (20th Oct, 2005) in a plane crash. As followed in this link:
Do not view this as being illegal but an opportunity for us to enrich our hope in life instead of the bank converting this much money to the security funds. You should not nurse any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the smooth transfer of these funds into your account, and your acceptance is what will crown this effort.
It will be my interest to finish this transaction with you hoping that you will not cheat or blackmail me at the conclusion of this goal because I have planned it for long. If you can be a collaborator to this transaction, please indicate your positive interest immediately for us to proceed. Remember this is absolutely confidential because my Bank does not know about it.
To establish this you have to send the following information to me:
TEL FAX NUMBER:_____________________
Thank you for your time and attention.
Thanks and God bless You,
Mr. Pascal Akossa.
Hey dude. How they hangin’ there in Ghana?
Awesome e-mail you wrote me. I don’t know about you, but it sure as fuck enriched my hope in life! I mean, srsly, I’m pretty fuckin’ enchanted by the mention of that $10,500,000. In fact, I had to soak my underoos in the sink overnight after I saw that! That’s a goddamn shit-ton of money, almost more than I would know what to do with. Notice I said almost. lol.
So, lemme put your mind at ease right from the start: I do NOT view your offer as illegal. No fuckin way. I’m sure it’s totally above-board and proper, even though your bank doesn’t know you’re offering to transfer this money to me despite the fact that I have no fuckin right to it.
And no way would I ever blackmail you — unless of course you don’t follow through on transferring the millions. But that won’t happen, will it? Of course not! So have no atom of fear.
Hey, I read the story about the death of that dude Alan Williams and his whole family. Fuckin’ brutal, man. Dude should have stuck to makin’ scented candles and stayed out of death-trap Cessna’s in Tanzania, huh? Who knew there was that much money to be made in scented candles, anyway?
But you and I see the silver lining to the whole family being wiped out: no grief-stricken wifey or weepy sisters showin’ up to claim the moolah, amirite?
So yeah, I’m ready to get goin’ with the money transfer. Here’s the personal info you wanted:
FULL NAMES: What, you think I have more than one name?
ADDRESS: The Fucken Metal Island Where I Live
STATE: Of Bliss
COUNTRY: Can’t stand that kind of music.
AGE: Older than dirt
OCCUPATION: Part-time metal blogger and full-time half-wit
MOBILE PHONE: (666) 666-6666
TEL FAX NUMBER: You’re kidding, right?
Now that I’ve given you my personal info, I’d like to get some personal details about you, y’know, just to establish your boner fides:
Pizza or popsicles? ________
Bacon curry Jack Daniels shots: ___ Yes ___ No
Last Metallica album that was worth a shit: ________
Flat-ironed hair and girl jeans: ___ Sexy ___ Kill me now
Best metal band on the planet: ___ Gojira ___ Fleshgod Apocalypse ___ Hollywood Undead
My Style: ___ Briefs ___ Boxers ___ Commando
Brutal death metal: ___ Best metal genre ___ Bestest metal genre
Favrit movie not starring Barbra Streisand: ________
Biggest overflowing douchebag in metal: ___ Dave Mustaine ___ Axl Rose
Corpsepaint: ___ Sexy ___ Kill me now
Tentacle porn: ___Sometimes ___ Always
Hanging around men’s locker rooms is rad: ___Yeah ___ Fuck yeah
And listen, don’t nurse an atom of fear about your answers. I wouldn’t use them to embarrass or blackmail you and I’ll keep ’em totally confidential. Totally. Confidential. Just like your offer to transfer all this money without the other motherfuckers in your bank finding out. No one will see your e-mail and my response except just the two of us. Cool?
So, now you got what you need from me, go ahead and “give me the cognizance.” To be brutally honest here, Pascal, I don’t know what the fuck that means, but it better mean sending the $10.5 mill over to me with no fuckin’ around, or a little bird might whisper something about this in the ear of your bank superiors. You feel me?
One last thing: I know you don’t expect to get anything out of this except the enchanting knowledge that all this money will be put to work for the betterment of metalheads everywhere (or at least metalheads with the good taste to read NCS). But I think you deserve a little something for your efforts, and with the $10.5 million, I can afford to be generous. So I was thinking about $500 for you would be fair. Sound good? Awesome.
Thanks, and Hail Satan.
P.S. In case you’re worried that I’ll blow the dough as soon as I get it, have no atom of fear. I’ve engaged these dudes as my financial planners: