All sorts of things are metal, even though they don’t involve music. That’s what this series is about. Things can be metal for many different reasons. In general, people, places, things, and occurrences are metal because they’re awe-inspiring. But not everything that’s awe-inspiring is metal. Natural wonders, architectural marvels, and great works of art can be awe-inspiring in their beauty, but you wouldn’t call all of them “metal”, or at least I wouldn’t. An element of brutality will help something qualify for the term, as will an element of “otherness” — something that’s unconventional, something that’s rare and maybe even weird and unexpected, or something that appeals to the anarchic impulse in most metalheads.
Having said that, I also find myself applying the term “metal” to things that are just off-the-hook ridiculous or bizarre. Maybe that’s just me. To be clear, I don’t think everything that’s ridiculous is metal. Donald Trump is ridiculous, and bizarre. So is Dancing With the Stars. But they are definitely not metal.
I think it helps if ridiculous behavior is self-destructive. Like what happened to the dude’s hand pictured over to the right, which we featured in a previous installment of this series. I thought this was pretty fucking metal. I thought the same thing about the dog who chewed off his master’s gangrenous toe while the guy was passed out in an alcoholic stupor (here).
Anyway, most of today’s offerings fall into the “ridiculous” category of non-musical metal. I’ll just leave it at that. See for yourself after the jump.
A friend and fellow Texas ex-patriate sent me these photos, purportedly of a dude who bought a Brahma bull in Kansas and drove it to the Tulsa, Oklahoma area. When I saw the first photo, I thought for sure it had been photo-shopped, but after seeing all the pics, I decided they were real.
I know times are tough with our still-pretty-fucked-up economy, but man, there’s gotta be a better way to save a buck on livestock transport, even for a down-on-his-luck cow-puncher. On the other hand, as my friend said, “he didn’t have a wreck, nobody got hurt, and the torn upholstery and bullshit didn’t devalue the car any.” Based on that, my friend decided that the letters spray-bainted on the bull’s side must have stood for “No Harm Done”. As he said, that isn’t a bad life motto, now is it?
So, this is ridiculous, but I also think it’s pretty fucking metal, even though it’s not exactly self-destructive. I haven’t quite figured out why I think it’s metal. I’m still thinking about that . . .
In an earlier life, growing up in Texas, I used to work around Brahma bulls at a ranch. Most of the time they’re unexpectedly gentle animals, but riding docilely in a convertible? I think that’s pushing the envelope pretty hard. Shit! Speaking of which, I can just imagine rockin’ on down a dusty road, crankin’ some tunes on the radio, and having the vibe interrupted by the inimitable sound of a big wet cow pie hitting your back seat. If this is what this cowboy does to his car, I’d hate to see the inside of his house.
I’ve also been stewing over what else NHD might have meant. Any ideas?
Speaking of vehicular humor, this photo from Wisconsin is my kind of political protest. Just insert a big photo of your local political douchebag right on the tailgate with these words and you’re good to go.
My NCS co-founder IntoTheDarkness told me about this next item. It’s a montage of ads from Egypt for some kind of shit called Panda Cheese. I hope they don’t make the cheese from Panda milk (though if they did, that might be metal, particularly when you think about some poor fucker trying to milk a panda). What makes these ads metal, in my humble opinion, isn’t the fucking Panda cheese, it’s what happens in the ads. See for yourself:
Videos of shit being destroyed can be metal. I’m not sure why I think that. Maybe it’s because I like metal music that destroys. This next video is metal on two counts: It shows shit being destroyed — and it’s ridiculous.
This is an actual promotional video for a company called Barrier1. They sell vehicle barriers and traffic “arrestors”, and they don’t fuck around. You want to stop people from speeding — ever again? Say no more. You want to keep people in vehicles from getting into or out of some secure space? Barrier1’s products will fuck their shit up. I damn sure hope their rubber net product doesn’t become the replacement of choice for speed bumps.
Speaking of the rubber net, whatever they make this thing out of, it’s fucking STRONG.
But, like I said, this video is also a bit ridiculous, from the musical soundtrack to the ad copy about the eye-pleasing cosmetic choices. Definitely metal.
Intro Video from Barrier1 Systems, Inc. on Vimeo.
That’s it for today’s installment of THAT’S METAL! Enjoy the rest of your fucking day.
The cow thing was incredible, but I wanna see the things in number four in the next batman movie…
for some reason i immediately thought of batman when i saw those net things…that shit does some serious damage
It reminded me of the batmobile chase scene (I think in the first movie?) with the cops…
dude thanks for sharing those panda commercials, i laughed so fucking hard at the one with the shopping kart, i was kind of expecting that advertisement style to be Japanese but it seems the Egyptians are picking up on it, oh and by the way pandas are pretty metal i mean, they are born with corpsepaint on them, that is just brilliant.
D’oh! Those commercials were fucking awesome!
That panda looks pissed, without looking pissed.
“That panda looks pissed, without looking pissed.” Exactly! The panda just stares for a few beats. The people stare back at the panda with those deer-in-the-headlights looks — and they sorta look scared, without looking scared. And then the shit starts happening. Ingenious.
I quite like the bit where the panda wantonly stops on the groceries…
But he’s such a cutie pie that it doesn’t actually do any damage…
The bull thing is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen in my life. I saw a guy on Fatal Attractions who has a pet bison/buffalo/whathaveyou, and he put the bison in his car with him, along with a small dog… he took it into a bar, let it drink beer, took the thing into his house for some amount of time… the guy was a bloomin’ fuckin’ idiot, which is something I don’t say too often, even on the internet; think about what could happen if the bsion or this bull fell while the car was in motion, or if it was startled? I personally am an animal lover and I can’t see anything good coming from stuff like this.
the panda commercials and that political thing were awesome though, sorry if I sounded hostile in that other post ^, but stuff like that makes me angry.
Well yeah, it was pretty stupid. Maybe somewhat less stupid if he was driving really slowly, but stupid nonetheless. I’m an animal-lover, too, and I guess I can laugh about this only because, in the end, “no harm was done.”
Pontiac GrandAms don’t come in convertible. The dude had to destroy the car just to do it. The panda commercials were hillary-ous. I want to get one of those rubber net things for my driveway.
“Pontiac GrandAms don’t come in convertible.” Holy shit! That cowboy has more screws loose than I thought. Maybe he decided this would be the GrandAm’s last ride. Go out in style.
He may have had to chop the car to get the bull in, but he paid for it in more ways than one.
Even without a roof, no amount of air fresheners or baths of cologne (I’m guessing he’s a Hai Karate kinda guy) would diffuse the smell of the bullshit. I mean, after all, the car was a literal porta-potty for the bull. Stupid as hell to do, but it’s hard to not get some amusement out of it – in particular, thinking of the kinds of reactions he probably got on the way, or wondering how long the smell lingered in his nostrils.
This is so ridiculous on so many levels. I mean, there are no doors on the driver’s side at all, so the bull could just step right in. And no windshields. I’m beginning to think maybe he’s done this before.
One good thing about bullshit is that when it dries, the smell subsides. Subsides, mind you, not disappears.