Jul 112011

I have to begin a week-long stretch of travel for my fucking day job beginning today, with longer work hours ahead than I usually endure. That probably means fewer and shorter posts from me over the next 10 days or so, though I do have a couple of reviews already finished.

Fortunately, I also have a number of worthy posts already in hand from both our regular contributors and, unexpectedly, from some guests, and I’ve got those lined up for the days ahead. We treated you to one of the guest posts yesterday — Surgical Brute’s feature on 5 don’t-miss bands lined up for this year’s RITES OF DARKNESS festival in Texas. More goodies are on the way . . .

My one contribution for today is this hodgepodge of things that made me smile when I saw them. Maybe they’ll make you smile, too. If they don’t, it means you’re either in a cranky mood or you’re not as retarded as I am. Those are the only possible explanations.

So, after the jump, we have video evidence of what video games are doing to the well-fed youth of America, and what Norwegian trolls do on tour, plus a news report about a well-rounded patron of the musical arts.


I don’t play video games, so much of the following video is just lost on me — but it still cracked me up. It’s so ridiculous that I suppose it may have been staged, but it still cracked me up. I can’t decide whether this will be funnier or less funny to all you gamers out there. I guess we’ll find out. (Thanks to NCS co-counder IntoTheDarkness for this one.)


Norway’s Trollfest is in my personal pantheon of party bands, which you can probably tell because of how often I post about them. Not long ago, they toured Switzerland, Germany, and Austria as part of the line-up for Metalfest. They made a three-part video record of their tour experiences, one part for each country. As I knew they would, the videos made me smile. Among other things, I like the female narrator’s deadpan voice.

There’s some performance footage in here, but you’ll also see “the magic fridge”, the portable keg, a vicious troll fight over an empty beer bong (vicious, I tell you, simply vicious), the signing of a fan’s balls, a climbing saxophonist, and . . . beer. LOTS OF BEER.

Damn, I wish I could see the trolls rip it up on stage, in person, and then get murdered by drink with them.


Some people think metalheads are too narrow in their musical tastes. That’s bullshit. We like all kinds of music — all kinds. Just like this guy:

Open-Minded Music Lover Likes All Kinds Of Metal

June 20, 2007

LOGANSPORT, IN—Area music enthusiast Curt Webber, 22, is completely open to enjoying “all kinds” of metal, the self-described eclectic iconoclast said Monday.

“Some people are so narrow-minded and uptight about music, but I’m into a wide variety of bands—everything from Sabbath to Disturbed,” Webber said. “Whether it’s the old stuff, like vintage Maiden or Priest; new stuff, like Mastodon or the Sword; the virtuosic neoclassicism of DragonForce; the unpolished rawness of, say, Motörhead; a multiplatinum band like the Crüe; an alternative act like Clutch; or just a local outfit like Soldiers of Carnage here in town—power metal, speed metal, glam metal, thrash metal, death metal, nü metal, metal-core, or even Norwegian black metal—it’s all music to me, man.”

Webber conceded that the one musical style he simply cannot abide is rap metal.”

You see? Metalheads are just as well-rounded musically as anyone else. I myself enjoy classical music (Fleshgod Apocalypse), country (Chrome Division), folk music (Eluveitie), jazz (Carnal Rapture), opera (ICS Vortex), Eastern music (Rudra), Far Eastern music (Chthonic), Broadway (Dimmu Borgir), film scores (Xerath), soul (The Devin Townsend Project), blues (Pantera), and easy listening (Anal Cunt) — you name it. Shit, I even get down with some rap (Cannibal Corpse).

So, when people tell you that you’re too narrow in your musical tastes, just tell them to fuck right off.

(Credit to The Onion for this article. Thanks to you, too, Charles, for the link.)

How ’bout you? What kind of variety do you enjoy in your music? Or do you have thoughts about the other items in this post? Or should I just fuck off and die?

Hey, I’ll catch up with you later. Now, onward to the Mother. Fucking. Airport. Sigh.

  10 Responses to “SMILES”

  1. So, the video game video is a bit less funny and just depressing for me. It was actually easier for me to quit smoking (on a regular basis–but I refuse to be held responsible for my actions when I’m drunk) than to quit playing video games on a regular basis. Though I’m pretty sure I never flipped out that badly, the fact that this is a gamer archetype is a bit…fucked up.

    My musical variety?? I listen to death metal, technical death metal, brutal death metal, grindcore, and blackened death metal. Occasionally, I even listen to traditional metal and power metal, too! See!?!?! Who else has that kind of variety!?!? (To be fair, I also, on occasion, listen to some country, rap, and pop. But I always feel like a dirty whore’s ruptured anus when I do.)

    I have a video to add to our humor fest today! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJDx3H_hvI8
    It’s from like 2009, but I hadn’t seen it until today. It’s Christopher Walken reading the lyrics to Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face”.

    • Christoper Walken = win. I’d love to watch him do a reading of “I Cum Blood”.

    • I like a handful of artists outside of metal, but I only keep metal on my iPod. Not sure why exactly, it could be I honestly don’t like their music enough to buy it to put it on my iPod, I think I don’t like their music that much, or the OCD just wants everything to be metal. Probably a mixture of those three.

      I like Prince. “Little Red Corvette” gets REALLY annoying when it gets stuck in your head though.

      • Prince is one of those artists that people who seem to know quite a bit about music in general often tell me that I should be enjoying. I find it hard to do so, but I imagine that these people know what they’re talking about…….

        I actually have quite a bit of non-metal music on my phone. I’d say about 60% the music on my phone
        is extreme metal. (That’s a really rough guess.) The total metal vs non-metal break down is probably
        close to 70/30.

        Now, I’m not one of those idiotic assholes who runs around saying fuck stupid shit like “I like everything!! Durrrrr…please give me my opinion….” But I do feel that listening to a range of musical styles helps keep my centered. It also helps me appreciate the extreme music more. Going from First Aid Kit to Deicide is a nice transition.


    I personally cannot wait for the next Assassin’s Creed and The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. Can’t wait to give my character in The Elder Scrolls a REAL beard as opposed to the simple skin color being changed to look like a beard in the last game.

    • Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 1 & 2 have sucked up so much of my life……….

      When I think of the hours lost, it makes me wanna punch myself in the face…….

      • I played 3, MW, MW2 and World At War. All of them were great games, but I started getting tired of it at MW2, I guess it just didn’t have the feeling that Modern Warfare had. Also, the hipster inside me tells me that it’s mainstream, so there’s that… lol.

  3. Also- Lol @ easy listening and rap bands!

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