Jul 272011

I paused in my daily labors for a quick skimming of posts on other metal blogs and was struck — for about the millionth time — by all the dick, testicle, and cum references. And I’m not talking about the comments. I’m talking about the posts themselves. Surely you know what I mean — references to the writer’s “nuts being crushed” by a song, or getting “a giant boner” from news about some album, or “jizzing” over the release of some album.

Hey, I have a dick as well as balls, and I have jizzed. However, to be brutally honest (which is the only kind of honest we know how to be at NCS), I have never experienced actual ball crushage, erection, or ejaculation from listening to music (even though, yes, we did have an NCS banner subheading recently that proclaimed, “I Think My Dixie Wrecked”). I know those kinds of references are just metaphors for pleasure, but why are they so fucking prominent in metal blogging?

I’m pretty sure most metal bloggers don’t sprinkle their daily conversations with references to their junk or how hard they cum, and I can’t imagine that most of them really get off on listening to other guys talk about their dicks. So why do those references litter so many blog posts? And am I the only one who stifles a yawn when I see them, over and over again? Is this kind of language just a crutch for people who are too lazy to come up with a more specific descriptions of music or their own reactions to it? Is it a reaction to sexual repression or involuntary abstinence? I dunno.

And what about female readers? Let’s consider that for a minute. (after the  jump . . .)

I don’t pretend to understand women. Every time I think I do, I get proven wrong. That doesn’t stop me from continuing to try, but I don’t claim any expertise. Having said that, I really do wonder what female metalheads think when they read some blogger talking about shooting a big wad of splooge over some band.

I’m sure there are some women who get all moist and flushed listening to guys talk about semen and their dicks, but I think it’s a pretty small percentage. Women enjoy sex as much as men, of course, but my sense is that most of them don’t find penises and testicles to be objects of beauty or worship, or particularly interesting topics for conversation. An erect dick is a useful tool for achieving certain . . . objectives . . . but that’s about it. For them, all the non-stop references to male genitals must really get old.

Well, I can hear some of you thinking to yourselves, “who gives a fuck what women think anyway”. To you folks, I would suggest imagining your reaction if women dominated the sphere of metal blogging and constantly wrote about how the latest release from Opeth hit their G-spot like an atom bomb, or caused them to become as wet as a sea otter.

Actually, forget the preceding paragraph. I’d actually love to read that kind of writing! I’m getting kind of tumescent just thinking about it. It’s reading about other guys’ dicks and balls all the time that makes me limp.

Is it just me? Should I wise up and start jizzing up our NCS posts with talk of how an album makes me hard enough to pound nails with my cock? Help me out here. Give a brother a hand. Job.

UPDATE: Thanks to byrd36, I now have the PERFECT musical accompaniment for this rant. Great fucken song by a band ahead of their time. LMFAO.

  69 Responses to “DICKS, BALLS, AND CUM”

  1. Similarly, I’ve always fucking hated it when fanboys on facebook would always comment “OMG GUISE NEW SONG MAKES ME JIZZ HARD.”

    • I thought about collecting actual fanboy quotes for this post. I thought about for about 30 seconds and then decided that life is too short, and doing that would probably make mine shorter.

  2. This post just made me cum, prematurely. Ok. I’ll stop. Haven’t really taken note on this, because, well, this is pretty much the only blog i follow, and, as we all know, this site is all about metal and tentacles(recipe of immortality!). Oh and thank you Islander, now i can go to sleep and dream of female dominated metal blogging.

  3. Exactly…anyone review a song…but being able to describe it perfectly in musical terms is also important…cumming on songs is totally absurd and gay…you don’t cum at songs…you freakin’ headbang to them!! and then find the tabs and learn them!!

  4. Dunno, I’ve never really given it much thought, probably because it’s used so much that I don’t even notice anymore.

    • It’s easy to get immune to it for exactly that reason. It’s like walking into a men’s bathroom at a metal club. You don’t exactly get surprised when it smells like someone died in there about a month ago, because they all smell that way, all the time. So, I’m not sure what set me off on this topic today. Of course, I’m not sure about much of anything.

  5. I’m going with the barely concealed homosexuality that runs through metal… denim and leather and man-sweat baby!

  6. To quote the song and uploader of this video; “it wasn’t me baby, it was that motherfucker Evil Dick!”


  7. Reading this, I sure as hope my firewall at work doesn’t scan for strings of text. I don’t want my employer to think I enjoy reading about other dudes’ ballz. It might tag NCS as a low rent porn site, and we certainly don’t want that, do we? So if my firewall blocks me I’m going to jazz all over those dudes that love to talk about their genitalia in a metaphorical sense.

    • I was constantly looking over my shoulder at work as I was hunting for graphics to use with this post, using google image searches for things like “dicks”. You can imagine what was being displayed. I’m pretty sure no one saw what I was looking at. Pretty sure.

  8. Definitely guilty of the dick, ball and cum references. But if you’re going to strike those by saying they don’t describe anything and aren’t literal… wouldn’t you also have to strike down other language like “crushing,” “brutal,” “heavy” etc? None of those things literally describe the music either.


    • Yes, you are exactly right. On principle, “fucked”, “fucking”, and other intercourse references should also be consigned to the dustbin of overused, completely non-descriptive words. However, I would then have to shut down NCS. I am now climbing down off my high horse.

    • Vince, I think you’re mischaracterizing what Islander said. He does talk about overuse, but I think (at least how I read it) he’s talking about the overuse of gendered language. Gendered language that can (unintentionally) be ither sexist (at the worst) or exclusionary (at best).

      If we changed “gets me hard” to “aroused” or “jizz” to “cum”, the gender specific aspect of the words largely disappears. Though I’m not sure what the female equivalent of jizzing on something would be, the whole issue can be sidestepped by simply implying that certain music and/or bands is/are so awesome as to create a physical response equivalent to orgasm. That, in itself, is not sexist (at least I don’t think it is).

      Perhaps, *I* have mischaracterized what Islander was saying. In which case, I think that’s what he SHOULD have been saying.

      As a side not, I don’t think cumming hard is a sexist term, as both men and women can certainly cum hard.

      So can octopuses, but sexism is enough of a hurdle to take down for now.

      • Fascinating, can octopuses really experience orgasms?! If so, then they must have a sexual life? I find this newly found interest towards octopuses highly disturbing on some level, oh what have you done to me NCS.

        • http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=89377948

          I may have made up the orgasm thing….ummm….not all of my facts could really be considered “facts”.

          In fact “lies” might be a tad closer to reality…

          But if you listen to that NPR audio clip…umm…yah…”sperm packets” is a real thing.

          • Okay, since you’ve introduced the subject of the male octopus sex arm, let’s go all the way in, from The Font of All Human Knowledge:

            “A hectocotylus is one of the arms of the male of most kinds of cephalopods that is modified in various ways to effect the fertilization of the female’s eggs. It is a specialized, extended muscular hydrostat used to store spermatophores, the male gametophore. Males generally form a new hectocotylus in each new season.

            “The shape of the tip of the hectocotylus has been much used in octopod systematics. In many species it is considerably elaborated. However, in the males of some species, such as the Seven-arm Octopus (Haliphron atlanticus), the hectocotylus develops in an inconspicuous sac in front of the right eye that gives the male the appearance of having only seven arms.

            “The term is also used to specifically refer to the greatly modified arm of Argonauta and allied genera. In argonauts, the male transfers the spermatophores to the female by putting its hectocotylus into a cavity in the mantle of the female. This mantle cavity is known as the pallial cavity. This is the only contact the male and female have with each other during copulation, and it can be at a distance.

            “During copulation, the hectocotylus breaks off from the male. The funnel-mantle locking apparatus on the hectocotylus keeps it lodged in the pallial cavity of the female.”

            Stored in front of the right eye?!? Males form a new one each season?!? It breaks off during copulation?!? “This album broke my erect hectocotylus right off!”

      • I just wanted to add that I don’t think the used of gendered language is always necessarily a bad thing.

        After all, a male writer talking about HIS experience of an album would naturally be expected to be written in HIS voice. So editorials and opinion pieces seem fine to me to contain stuff like: “This solo was so awesome my dick got hard and I shot cement out of my dick like a cement cannon.” Or something.

        But when we’re talking about the reader, it is of much greater importance to try to use gender (and sexually) nonspecific language. So, instead of saying “this song is gonna make your dick so hard you could use it to beat a hippie to death,” we’re better off saying something like, “don’t make plans for tomorrow because this song is gonna get you so hot you’ll need to shower for three days.”

        Maybe I’m over thinking this.

      • I forgot what I meant.

  9. I’ve long wondered why metal seems okay with using such words as well. Not only that, saying a band/album/song is the shit (or good shit, or whatever) shouldn’t seem to be a positive thing – but it is. Also, as you’ve mentioned previously, no other genre of music can get away with calling fans fuckers (or motherfuckers) without question. Sometimes we have to speak in metaphors to express ourselves, even if they are scraped from the bottom of the lowest common denominator barrel.

    I dunno, maybe the average metalhead feels the need to take negativity and spin it around to keep with the misplaced perception that metal is the opposite of everything else in music. Hell, among some, it seems pefrectly normal for metal bands to be made of sick, misanthropic fuckers. Fortunately, misogyny seems to be fading away, but I don’t think it’ll ever be completely gone. Some guys still don’t think women belong in metal, unless they’re in the audience or grinding against an unknown number of venereal diseases coating a pole in a titty bar. Or for some, chicks in metal are only good for rubbing one out; who the fuck cares if they have any talent or not.

    Now, if Phro had his way, I’m sure there would be far more sticky, unmentionable adjectives used when describing music.

    • Lots of perceptive thoughts, as usual. Speaking of being called a motherfucker, I must have been called a motherfucker about 100 times yesterday and last night at SUMMER SLAUGHTER, by the people I paid to see. It was the shit.

  10. “Hectocotylus” would be a sweet band name.

    I’m largely indifferent to twig and berries references, but I will say that as far as reviews go, I find them unhelpful. “This album crushed my balls and made me jizz on a midget hooker” tells me you watch a lot of questionable porn, but nothing about what the music sounds like other than (and this is something of an assumption on my part) that you liked it.

    • Okay, so I did some googling to see if there might actually be a band named Hectocotylus, because that would indeed be awesome. I didn’t find one, but I did find this, y’know, just in case anyone wants to see actual octopus intercourse with the hectocotylus in action:


      And I found a vid of a death metal band called YLAB playing a song called . . . “Hectocotylus”:


      • About the first video…I don’t know what I watched, but I feel dirty….and yet, oh, so right…

        • I think it has put me off my feed for the rest of the day. Possibly the rest of the week.

          • Now I have a raging sex arm.

            What I love about this blog: you always go the extra mile.

            • Is extra mile a euphemism for fisting?

              Because it totally should be.

              Also, we should push the comments to 69, and then turn them off.

              Just to be obnoxious.

              • I had actually originally typed “and no, that’s not a euphemism for anything”. Ha! Great minds.

                • “In for a finger, in for a fist, keep on going ’til you’re up past the wrist.”

                  • AWESOME!!!

                    The weird thing about fisting is how much it reminds me of watching a cow be artificially inseminated. Dude’s arm just…DISAPPEARED.

                  • You dudes are on a roll! Keep going — only 16 more comments until 69! In the meantime, I’ll see if I can find video of cow insemination . . .

                    • Here’s a 12 year old girl narrating a video about her daddy
                      artificially inseminating her (HER???) cow…


                      Oh, thank you, Internet, for existing!!!

                    • Also…”SEMEN SYRINGE”.

                    • My wife is a veterinarian. I get enough of that at home.

                    • Dear self: think before posting.

                    • Biting my tongue. Biting it really hard.

                    • Whenever I bite my tongue, I bleed and then the landsharks try to eat me, so…

                      Does that mean your wife artificially inseminates you or does that mean you get plenty of semen syringes at home?

                      Neither is anything to be embarrassed about. Just part of the circle of steel rods used to inject body temperature sperm into slightly willing recipients.

                    • Trollfiend:

                      Maybe it’s just me, but your avatar looks vaguely like the outline of a uterus upside down.

                      Is it just me?

                    • I’m not seeing a reply button on any of the following comments so hopefully this is going to go where it’s supposed to (that’s what she said). Phro, regards whatever artificial inseminating apparatus may or may not makes its way into my bedroom… don’t judge my kink and I won’t judge yours. And my avatar is Thor’s hammer, which does NOT look like a uter… wait. :head tilt: Holy crap.

    • I have to completely agree with Troll here, what’s the point of a review that not only abuses metaphors but does so in a completely unhelpful way? Writers should go back to Orwell[1], one can summarize his rules on metaphors:

      1) don’t use over-used metaphors
      2) don’t mix them
      3) make sure they make sense.

      Those are good rules.

      Now if you want to see how to not only do metaphors, but even mix them correctly: : http://abovethelaw.com/2011/07/quote-of-the-day-mixed-metaphors/

      [1] http://www.mtholyoke.edu/acad/intrel/orwell46.htm

      • There are indeed exceptions to every rule, including Orwell No. 2, and that order by Judge Sheehan certainly qualifies. Fucking hilarious!

        “a trial which, no doubt, would have made the jury more confused than a hungry baby in a topless bar”

  11. All this, following a post about a band called BOOKAKE…

  12. Hey, at least NCS hasn’t fallen to GunShy depths. Honestly, I stopped paying attention to that site once Chris Harris became less interested in promoting metal news than with slapping us all in the face with his raging heterosexuality.

    I get it… you’re not gay. But constant pics of half-naked ladies (though lovely to look at) are just making you seem very insecure. Even more so when a significant amount of your time is pent telling us how big your cock is, or how much better you are than emo kids “who haven’t seen a pussy since they fell out of one”.

    Though tbh the biggest “fail” was when, covering the recently revealed transition of LOA singer Keith Caputo to Mina Caputo, he essentially stated that if anyone he knew were to get gender-reassignment his reaction would be:

    “Dude, how can you do this to me? Didn’t you think how I’d feel?”

    By comparison NCS is a haven of intelligent discussion and well-thought out discourse. Even on Bookake.

    • I heart Andy.

    • That’s too bad about what’s happened to GunShy. I used to read that blog in its earlier days and liked it, back before my increasing obsession with NCS forced me to do some triage in my reading.

      Speaking as someone who has seriously considered species-reassignment surgery, gender modification seems pretty tame to me. I guess that’s why I didn’t post about Keith -> Mina here.

  13. I want a shirt that says “I GOT TO 69 WITH PHRO”

    • I’m so proud of all our commenters taking us this far, with my help, because for some odd reason mine go into the count, too. So here we are, one comment shy of the magic number. I want one of those shirts, too. With “Thor’s Uterus” on the back.

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