On Sunday we launched a free NCS t-shirt campaign. I realize that Sunday’s aren’t the best days to launch campaigns, except maybe for surprise military attacks, but I did this as I do almost everything in life, i.e., completely on impulse. Which is to say, I didn’t spend a lot of time thinking it through. Nevertheless, I anticipated that the orders for these babies would roll in like a flood tide and we’d max out by Monday morning. I mean, come on! The shirt is free, and we’re even paying for the shipping. All I asked was that people wear them. Now, who wouldn’t get up on that deal?
Well, a lot of people did e-mail me on Sunday asking for a shirt, and more e-mails have arrived since then. We had a noticeable up-tick after we posted Phro’s review of the FUCKING GOOD PANCAKE TOUR‘s inaugural show in Humptulips, since the shirt features the tour poster. But still, we offered to give away this shirt to the first 100 U.S. and Canadian residents who asked for one, and as of yesterday, we were only about halfway there. This caused my brow (what little of it there is) to furrow. It just didn’t make sense.
So, I went back and read through e-mails I’ve received about the shirt, and I began to get an inkling of the problem. A few older metalheads, including one of my friends, complimented me on the shirt design, but said they had small kids and didn’t think it would be a good idea to wear the shirt around them. On the other end of the age spectrum, a few people still living with their parents had some concerns about how mom and dad would react. At first, this didn’t make sense to me. I went and looked again at the tour poster.
It’s colorful, and who doesn’t enjoy colorful things? It includes a picture of a brain, and that promotes . . . uh . . . it promotes braininess, which is good, right? It also includes a syringe, which is what I use to get most of my nutrients, so it’s a nutritional shirt, too. Plus, it’s got the word FUCKING on there, and who doesn’t like a good fuck (or at least the idea of a good fuck)?
So, I pondered, what could the problem be? I stared at the poster a long time and thought really hard about it. By the time my headache went away, I had figured out the problem: MASSIVE WALL OF PENIS! (more after the jump . . .)
People who are rearing children understandably have some concerns about how the young’un’s would react to mommy or daddy having “MASSIVE WALL OF PENIS” plastered across the front of their torsos. (By the way, are you like me? When someone refers to “rearing children”, does it make you immediately think about priests? I think it’s better to refer to “raising children”, which makes me think of an agricultural operation and the application of fertilizer in large quantities.)
And on the other end of the spectrum, people who think they’ve succeeded in fooling their parents into believing they’re normal would risk sacrificing years of practiced deception if they showed up at the dinner table with a big MASSIVE WALL OF PENIS.
Also, I suppose even childless people who live on their own might get nervous about strolling around the town in broad daylight broadcasting MASSIVE WALL OF PENIS to all passers-by. Fuck, I guess there are even some places where you could get arrested for that.
So, my conclusion is that I need to concentrate harder on advertising this shirt to a more carefully selected consumer demographic. I need to find web sites and message boards frequented by unmarried, childless people, orphans, and metalheads whose parents have already disowned them, and who don’t get out much.
In the meantime, we’re forging ahead with the t-shirt production. Since I made that announcement without one iota of advance planning, we’re now in the process of lining up a shirt-printer to make the 100 shirts. NCS co-founder Alexis has taken on the job of coordinating all the logistics. Man, is she good. I got a spreadsheet from her yesterday with a list of shirt-printing candidates in the area, plus Stephen Parker from Arkhum sent me some great recommendations, too. So, I think by Monday we’ll have lined up a company to make the shirts, and then it’s just a question of how long it takes to get the shirts made, packaged, and shipped off.
We still have lots of shirts to give away, and they’re still free, so tell your friends, or better yet, your enemies, and let’s get this offer maxed out so I can move on to some other impulsive, fucked-up idea. Details about how to order can still be found here.
And to all those friendless, orphaned, disowned, hermit-like, childless people out there who have already ordered a shirt, thank you!
Who could have a problem with a massive wall of penises? It’d be a great place to put a nice stack of pancakes.
I dunno. It’s a conundrum, especially because the band’s music is so metal. Maybe people are worried that others will think they’re serial killers who keep a certain kind of trophy as a memento of the kill.
Who would keep a penis as a trophy of a kill? They get worn out with overuse so easily.
Now thigh bones, on the other hand, can really handle a good humping.
(If I weren’t on the FBI watch list already…I am now…)
Finger bones make good sexual aids too. Or so I’ve heard. I don’t have personal experience. Never have used finger bones as sex-toys. Ever. Except just the one time.
Well, you could double my order. I’m sure my 17 year old son would love it for weekend wear! I’ve done my best to raise him metal and it seems to have worked pretty well.
Good for you!
Easily done man. What size does the younger byrd wear?
Does that mean I can get one for my penis?
We can’t get shirts that small.
Okay, fair point…
Can I at least get one for my pet octobuttrapegod?
We can’t get shirts with that many sleeves.
He wears a large too, for now, he’s gotten a little bigger than me and still growin’.
Got it. Two L shirts will be winging their way to byrd-land.
This shirt will be rocked at the MOST inappropriate time/places. Weddings, funerals, children’s birthdays, etc.
Now thas whut I’m talkin about!
I’ll make sure to get pics!
Odin’s sweet grizzled man-teats, I hope this is another one of your ill-thought pranks.
Just for the record, though, I am a father of two small boys and I sure fucking hope they aren’t scared by the word “penis” (though “Dildo Resin” might be a little harder to explain). This would not be the worst shirt I’ve worn around the house or in public, either. And it will be the best FREE shirt I’ve ever PAID NO MONEY to get FOR FREE ever.
Did you get that, people? The fine folks at NCS are offering you a piece of metal history FOR FREE. If nothing else, the art is fucking cool. Come on, sissies! Spread a Massive Wall of Penis across your chest and glory in it!
I agree: children should be raised with all the colorful colors of the English (or any language).
Long live vulgarity!
FREE SHIRTS!!!! WEAR THEM TO YOUR LOCAL STRIP CLUB!!!
I’m really worried about your propensity to rip-off band names in your Comments. Grizzled Man-Teats is a kickass band who may not appreciate their name being dropped so lightly, particularly in conjunction with the reference to Thor.
I saw them a couple years ago when they opened for Frigg’s Throbbing Erection.
Man, I’ve been hoping for a Throbbing Erection . . . tour . . . for a while now. I caught their show once before, but it was kind of a letdown because of some equipment problems. Y’know, there was some Erectile dysfunction.
They released a statement about that, I think. Apparently it was a problem with the venue’s erect-rical system.
Yeah, that was it. Didn’t completely ruin the show, though, because one of the roadies was able to manually do some splicing on the defective wires. Sometimes the only way to fix an erect-rical problem is with a hand job.
Indeed. This is why all electricians bring prostitutes along when they re-wire your house. This happens to other people, right?
Hmmm, maybe I should bring it up to the local Electricians. However, their pipe laying skills may come in handy for plumbers as well.
Prostitutes are individuals of many talents.
GMT would totally back me on this.
Damn you and your country restrictions. That shirt would have been a mighty fine add to my collection.
E-mail me your address and size. Seriously. I’m keeping a separate list of people outside NorthAm who want one, just in case we decide to go global!
Global Wall Of Penis?
The mind boggles at the thought! There would be weeping and gnashing of teeth, as if the world had been cast into a furnace of fire.
A sticky furnace of fire.
“And the Lamb then noticed a previously unseen eighth seal, and opened it, and a wave of dicks burst forth and covered the world, and there was darkness throughout the land. And God took a shot of whiskey and put a pornogrind band on the stereo, and it was good.”
-Book of Revelations: The Lost Chapters
This sounds better than the approved version of the Apocalypse.
I’d read the Bible if there were more pornogrind.
Is this wave if dicks circumcised or not?
Not seems more satanic, but circumcised seems more Biblical.
I think I’m leaving that one to Black Shuck. I can’t find my copy of the Lost Chapters of the Book of Revelations. Because they’re Lost.
It’s a hotly debated question among theology scholars. That question has kept the pope up many, many nights.
I read that as pop up all night.
The Pope is kept popping up all night rearing children.
Vulgar wit, thou callest NCS home! 😀
Imagine if it were Metal Sucks or Blabbermouth that were doing this. At least here at NCS, there’s a certain level of sophistication to our demented mayhem, and a distinct lack of tee majority of metaldom’s forum/blog trolling trends.
Exactly. It’s all about the sophistication. That’s mainly what sets us apart. That’s why, when we and our readers make up bands names, we come up with ideas like Massive Wall of Penis, Vagina Dentata, and Frigg’s Throbbing Erection. You won’t find that kind of hi-brow wittiness at those other jake-leg sites.
I think my favorite one so far has been Sperm Howitzer.
Sperm Howitzer is definitely one of my favorites. I’m really amazed that no band has yet grabbed that name for themselves. The graphics possibilities alone are mind-blowing.
*sigh* I wish you hadn’t said that.
SEMEN Howitzer! Where’s your vaunted journalistic integrity that I’ve heard so much about?
Two entirely different bands dude. Everyone knows that.
Both bands would be disappinted by the appearance of the Steel Condom Love Jackets.
Damn, now we’ve almost got enough bands for another tour, and I haven’t even given away all the shirts from the first one yet.
I had the intention of adding this to my drinking shirt and metal festival shirt collection, since I normally dress pretty conservatively anyway (I wear khakis and buton down shirts and to shows often.) Upon reading your reflections on this endevaor i also realized how this stuff really could be seen as pretty inappropriate in a normal everyday setting. It then suddenly occured to me that I probably couldnt legally wear it out in public If I wanted to (other than shows). That just makes it that much cooler for me in a way. Hope you reach the quota soon. Awesome free shit from awesome dudes is doubly awesome.
But, If you dont book the Bob Saget Slamdance Experiment as co headliner’s in the next pancake tour, we’re no longer friends.
Will you, perhaps, make him cock eyed?
i would not mind having one, my mom would find it funny i bet, and so would my friends.
but i guess shipping to portugal could be a bit expensive i dont know. anywhooooo i guess i will try my luck.
oh and i am waiting for a shirt with the NCS logo written in death metal style font, perhaps the next one?
I skipped over that article as I have no fucking clue what all this *good fucking pancake* shit is about. That’s why I knew nothing of this free shirt. Can I still get one?
Absolutely — just e-mail me with your address and shirt size and we’ll add you to the list.
So you only read about stuff you already know about, and skip all the other articles? You won’t get very far in life that way…