The title of this post, in addition to being the thought that I know is uppermost in all your minds right now, was the subject line of an e-mail that arrived in my e-mail in-box at 3:14 p.m. PDT yesterday afternoon. Just looking at that subject line brightened me up instantly. It was from Clara Stevenson, a name I didn’t recognize, but because it was a female name, I got doubly brightened up. I opened the e-mail with eager anticipation. And read this:
I really enjoyed reading through your collection of resources on https://www.nocleansinging.com/2011/08/04/thats-metal-but-its-not-music-no-43-the-blue-fucking-angels/. I became interested in chef careers after I was assigned to do research on the field, specifically about the average compensation range for chefs and pastry chefs.
After my research was finished, I ended up producing a graph to better visualize the average chef’s salary: http://www.pastryschools.net/career-and-salary. I thought I might pass along the graph, as it would fit in well with your resources. Adding a link to your website would greatly benefit both your readers and your site.
Clara Stevenson firstname.lastname@example.org
Uh huh. I immediately replied to Clara, as follows: (after the jump . . .)
Thank you very fucking much for writing. I’m so glad you love our humble site and that you enjoyed reading through the resources in my post about The Blue Fucking Angels. I nearly shit myself with joy.
But to be brutally honest, which is the only kind of honest we know how to be at NO CLEAN SINGING, my head got a little scrambled when you started talking about chefs and pastry chefs. I mean, this is a motherfucking metal site, and I’m not talkin’ about stainless steel mixing bowls and cake pans. I gotta tell you, I had a bit of a suspicion, just a little tiny one, that you might have sent that loving e-mail without actually looking at our site. Because, y’know, it’s just not obvious to me what Thy Catafalque and Mitochondrion and Semen Howitzer have to do with apple tarts and molecular gastronomy.
But then I took a peak at your link, and I got the connection. So damned obvious, really. And you’re right. It fits our resources. Like when you wrote that “the world of pastry involves a high amount of dedication, stamina, and precision.” I mean, that’s just so true of NCS!! We’re all about the dedication, the stamina, and the precision. We can sling the bullshit hour after hour, sunrise to sundown, and never falter or stumble or get tired, because we nap a lot.
And like when you wrote on your site that “A career in pastry can lead to many different positions, all of which can be rewarding for those who love desserts and baking”? That’s just nail-on-the-head true of metal blogging. I know it’s just a matter of time before blogging away about death fucking metal is going to lead me right into a career of making pies and wholesome nutritious bread. I mean, that’s what all trve metalheads yearn for, amirite? Fuckin’ A.
And when you described the work of a pastry chef, it was like someone had finally captured in eloquent language just what we do here: “Standing most of the day near hot ovens and stoves, the work of a pastry chef entails long work hours, intense (and often repetitive) physical labor and demanding schedules of 40 or more hours a week. Additionally, bakers who work in small bakeries have to work at night or extremely early in the morning so that their baked goods are fresh when customers buy them.” I mean, seriously, the jobs are almost identical!
Pastry chefs stand near hot stoves and ovens all day, and metal bloggers sit on their rapidly spreading asses near hot computers all day doing lots of intense labor, like listening to metal and banging out stupid shit on our keyboards. Okay, I know it’s not exactly physical labor, but it is repetitive, and I stay up late at night and get up at the ass-crack of dawn so all our shit is fresh for our customers.
And finally, when you wrote about pastry chefs being “in particularly high demand, with their specialized skills allowing them to take in upwards of $60,000 per year,” you could have been writing about us! Except for the part about the high demand and the $60K per year. I mean, it’s easier to milk a boar hog than to squeeze any money out of metal. Seriously. A career in metal is just a short step away from being a homeless person. But we most definitely have got specialized skills. I’ll write you again when I’ve figured out what they are.
So yeah, I’m happy to add your link to our site because it has already greatly benefitted me and I know it will benefit our readers. Can you send me a recipe for Twinkies and Ding Dong’s?
Gotta go now. I feel an overpowering urge to bake.
P.S. What do you think of the new Fleshgod Apocalypse album? That shit fuckin owns, don’t it?
EDITOR’S NOTE: The artwork at the top of this post has nothing to do with Clara’s loving e-mail. I just wanted to put up something metal. It’s by a Russian artist who goes by the name Mstibog. He’s got a facebook page here and a blog at this location. He’s the dude who did the awesome art for the latest album by Kartikeya, among others.