My body is a temple. I keep it clean, well-toned, and free of toxic pollutants. I smoke no more than one pack of cigarettes a day, except when I smoke two. I don’t drink enough to float an aircraft carrier, only enough to float a battleship. I eat only free-range pizza and I make sure to include plenty of fruits and vegetables in my daily diet; I make sure to get my bacon double-cheeseburgers with the lettuce and tomato, and Red Vines have fruit in them, right? Someone told me that once.
And as for the body-toning, I lift weights. I’m like the epitome of an addicted gym rat. I lift on a regular schedule, pumping iron like a boss once every six months. And you know what I listen to when I’m bending the bars with massive stacks of iron? Sure you do — evil fucking death metal. I don’t know about you, but I like to make the lifting sessions even more brutal by stacking the bars with the eviscerated corpses of emo scenesters.
And now I’ve found the perfect musical accompaniment for those days in the gym when I make even semi-pro weightlifters gasp in awe at my clean-and-jerk: A four-song EP called The Dumbell Murders by a project fittingly called One Handed Skull Crushing — three metalheads who met at the gym and were united in their anger toward all posers who lift weights to MCR.
One of the dudes behind the skull-crushing is an NCS reader from Gothenburg, Sweden, who finally decided to share with me the year-old fruits of this brutal side project. And it’s such a perfect accompaniment for brutal, emo-hating, iron-pumping gym sessions that I talked him into letting us host a free download of this mutha, with the lyrics included in the download file — because the eloquent lyrics are really what make this musical extravaganza so captivating. Like these inspirational words from the song “Corpse Lifting”: (after the jump . . .)
Strength too great, not enough weight
I need more to lift, but all is on my barbell
A gang of emos is spotted, fury is rising
A stroke of genius, and they’re all lifeless
Pierce their stomach with my fist
Mount them on my barbell
Still too easy, lightweight baby
Skinny emos, i need more corpses
All emos are slain, Purification of the gym
This will do, time for deadlifting
Corpse lifting, Corpse lifting
Corpse lifting, Corpse lifting
“lightweight baby!!!”
“YEAH BUDDY!!!!”
Or these tender sentiments from “Human Gainer”:
Training is over, done with lifting corpses
I am hungry, in need of protein
In need of flesh, from human corpses
Took an emo, hanging from the barbell
Put him in my blender, one fine mess
Blood is gushing, intestants are flying
An emogainer, tastes like shit
But no pain no gain, he didnt die in vain
Human gainer.
You don’t even need to listen to the music before downloading this EP, do you? Of course not. We don’t allow no fucken weenies here at NCS. Even the chicks who frequent this blog could do their lateral deltoid raises with a dead emo in each hand, no problem. But, just in case some emo kid wanders into this site by accident, like a tiny, downy, baby chick wandering into a den of wolves, I’m gonna put a song right here so he’ll piss his pants in fear:
[audio:https://www.nocleansinging.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Hair-Rip-Blood-Gush.mp3|titles=One Handed Skull Crushing – Hair Rip Blood Gush]And for all you loyal NCS wolves, here’s the download file (lyrics included, of course):
P.S. If you really insist on hearing all the songs before downloading, you can do that at the OHSC Bandcamp page here.
39 Responses to “ONE HANDED SKULL CRUSHING”
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If one can crush a skull with one hand, would using both hands result in skull pulverizing?
Oh, where do you get your free range pizza from? I was thinking about starting a pizza farm, but I don’t know where to begin.
It all comes down to the pizza seeds — no gene-splicing, no cloning, just pizza seeds harvested from wild pizza, nourished with pure spring water and fertilized with the shit of virgins. It costs more to farm pizza this way, but well worth it.
Some people say talking to your plants or playing music helps. Think playing Fleshgoad Apocalypse all day long would do the trick? It seems to have had an effect on me; I woke up with a headache and now halfway through Mafia (I bought Oracles and Agony last night, playing them in order), it’s pretty much gone and I didn’t even take anything for it.
Well, as a trained medical professional, I could have told you that playing all the FA releases straight through would cure the headache, as well as any incontinence you may be experiencing. I haven’t played the FA to the budding pizzas out in the back 40 yet, but it sounds like a superb idea. I bet they’d go from small to extra large with extra cheese overnight.
Have you considered waving your dick at the pizzas?
I find that waving my dick at things tends to make those things more awakeful and actively.
I did that once and half the pizzas turned black and died. The other half made a moaning sound.
What the fuck is wrong with your dick???
And can I have pictures for my “fucked up dicks of the interwebs” collage?
It’s for my sorority.
I’m afraid I’ll have to decline. I’m a very private person.
And yet you put pictures of your naked arms all over the Internet!!!
You dirty hussy.
Yes, but so far as I know, images of my tats have not yet killed any pizzas or traumatized any sorority girls. I do have feelings.
Your penis can traumatize people?
Mine just makes people laugh.
That’s probably why I don’t seem to have feelings anymore.
Or it has something to do with all the tentacles shoved up my ass.
Goddamn Tentacle monsters.
Someone please make him stop.
Hmmm, band names after weightlifting exercises…
“Reverse Plank”
“Close-Grip Press”
“The Extenderz” (prolly LB style nu metal lolz)
hmmm, thought this was gonna be funnier than it ended up turning out… I digress.
Couldn’t help but think of an interesting parrallel between lifting and metal. It’s all about posturing and being “scene” I think that weightlifting is one avenue for the overall greater good, which is simply to be active. But some folk just really run with it and turn it into something stupid, doing their hair and putting on name brand shit to go lift. And btw you’re not the coolest dude on the goddamn planet because you can pick something up and put it back down. If the zombie apocalypse goes down then I would imagine that being able to run a marathon would somehow prove to be more practical, but once again, I digress.
Apply metal to the ‘avenue” and music to the “greater good” and therein lies the parrallel…
Band names. I can run with that:
Hip Abduction
Squat
Deadlift
The Snatch
Reverse Hanging Crunch
Pectoral Flies
Massive Wall of Glutes
Being able to run a marathon may be more useful when the zombie apocalypse comes, but I get winded running to the bathroom, so that’s out.
Pectoral Flies haha
One chuckler out of 7 ain’t bad. Thank you. 🙂
Is the Penis Pushup a real weight lifting ummm…thingie?
If so, I think Penis Pushups should headline the weight lifting metal fest.
If only Jack Palance had done the penis pushup at the 1992 Oscars instead of the one-armed push-ups.
And yeah, I need to line up the Penis Pushups for the next NCS tour. Their new album, “Engorged”, is really tumescent.
Glad to see they haven’t gone soft on us yet.
Yeah, but that’s because they tour with Hand Job Holocaust.
What happened the Fucking Fluffers of Fun Fountain???
Plyometrics sounds like it could be djent…
Lateral Raise
HammerCurl
Massive Wall of Vascularity
Massive Wall of Vascularity!!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
I totally read that as Massive Wall of Vasectomy.
Massive Wall of Vasectomy is like the genre opposite of Massive Wall of Penis. They sound like The Shins.
According to my personal trainer buddy J, “Goblin Squat” and “Dragon Flag” are both valid contenders…
Good lord, do I want to start working out just so I can do Goblin Squats.
Excellent names. I found a video of someone doing the Dragon Flag and it gave me abdominal cramps just watching it. But what the hell is a Goblin Squat?
I’m on it right now… while I’m researching this you gentlemen can take the opportunity to practice not waving your dicks at things…
Once again, according to PT buddy J,
“Goblin Squat- when you hold a kettlebell like a chalice of blood close to your chest, assume a sumo stance and squat.”
I DO need practice not waving my dick at things. I keep doing it wrong….
I want your friend to be my Trainer!!!!
I’ll pay him $2 an hour to come to tokyo to train me!!!
Holy shit i need to try that Dragon flag. Btw, this whole idea about weightlifting, dying emo kids and metal is pretty damn sweet. Ok well, anything that is even in a remote way connected to deadlifting is prety damn sweet to me.
More like the Sucks.
Guys…
Zombies + Treadmills + Brain-On-A-Stick
Problem solved!
I can haz brain-on-a-stick? i iz getting hungry!
I tried lifting weights once…I’m still fucking sore.
Seriously, though, I have a lot of respect for weight lifters, and I do think that a good exercise routine is really fucking important to living a good life.
I just suck at living a good life.
But at least I have whiskey to help me forget.
Anyway, most important part: GOOD FUCKING PANCAKE MUSIC!!!
Yep, whiskey is my post-workout protein shake of choice. A good all-day hangover wipes out the muscle pain during recovery days, as well as all other physical sensations. Whiskey has protein in it, right?
Yes.
I think it also has “muscles” in it. Because I feel a billion times stronger when I drink it.
Then I go punch reality in the face and takes its woman home with me.
fucking funny lol