Aug 162011

My body is a temple. I keep it clean, well-toned, and free of toxic pollutants. I smoke no more than one pack of cigarettes a day, except when I smoke two. I don’t drink enough to float an aircraft carrier, only enough to float a battleship. I eat only free-range pizza and I make sure to include plenty of fruits and vegetables in my daily diet; I make sure to get my bacon double-cheeseburgers with the lettuce and tomato, and Red Vines have fruit in them, right? Someone told me that once.

And as for the body-toning, I lift weights. I’m like the epitome of an addicted gym rat. I lift on a regular schedule, pumping iron like a boss once every six months. And you know what I listen to when I’m bending the bars with massive stacks of iron? Sure you do — evil fucking death metal. I don’t know about you, but I like to make the lifting sessions even more brutal by stacking the bars with the eviscerated corpses of emo scenesters.

And now I’ve found the perfect musical accompaniment for those days in the gym when I make even semi-pro weightlifters gasp in awe at my clean-and-jerk: A four-song EP called The Dumbell Murders by a project fittingly called One Handed Skull Crushing — three metalheads who met at the gym and were united in their anger toward all posers who lift weights to MCR.

One of the dudes behind the skull-crushing is an NCS reader from Gothenburg, Sweden, who finally decided to share with me the year-old fruits of this brutal side project. And it’s such a perfect accompaniment for brutal, emo-hating, iron-pumping gym sessions that I talked him into letting us host a free download of this mutha, with the lyrics included in the download file — because the eloquent lyrics are really what make this musical extravaganza so captivating.  Like these inspirational words from the song “Corpse Lifting”:  (after the jump . . .)

Strength too great, not enough weight
I need more to lift, but all is on my barbell
A gang of emos is spotted, fury is rising
A stroke of genius, and they’re all lifeless
Pierce their stomach with my fist
Mount them on my barbell
Still too easy, lightweight baby
Skinny emos, i need more corpses
All emos are slain, Purification of the gym
This will do, time for deadlifting
Corpse lifting, Corpse lifting
Corpse lifting, Corpse lifting
“lightweight baby!!!”

Or these tender sentiments from “Human Gainer”:

Training is over, done with lifting corpses
I am hungry, in need of protein
In need of flesh, from human corpses
Took an emo, hanging from the barbell
Put him in my blender, one fine mess
Blood is gushing, intestants are flying
An emogainer, tastes like shit
But no pain no gain, he didnt die in vain
Human gainer.

You don’t even need to listen to the music before downloading this EP, do you? Of course not. We don’t allow no fucken weenies here at NCS. Even the chicks who frequent this blog could do their lateral deltoid raises with a dead emo in each hand, no problem. But, just in case some emo kid wanders into this site by accident, like a tiny, downy, baby chick wandering into a den of wolves, I’m gonna put a song right here so he’ll piss his pants in fear:

[audio:|titles=One Handed Skull Crushing – Hair Rip Blood Gush]

And for all you loyal NCS wolves, here’s the download file (lyrics included, of course):


P.S. If you really insist on hearing all the songs before downloading, you can do that at the OHSC Bandcamp page here.


  1. If one can crush a skull with one hand, would using both hands result in skull pulverizing?

    Oh, where do you get your free range pizza from? I was thinking about starting a pizza farm, but I don’t know where to begin.

    • It all comes down to the pizza seeds — no gene-splicing, no cloning, just pizza seeds harvested from wild pizza, nourished with pure spring water and fertilized with the shit of virgins. It costs more to farm pizza this way, but well worth it.

      • Some people say talking to your plants or playing music helps. Think playing Fleshgoad Apocalypse all day long would do the trick? It seems to have had an effect on me; I woke up with a headache and now halfway through Mafia (I bought Oracles and Agony last night, playing them in order), it’s pretty much gone and I didn’t even take anything for it.

        • Well, as a trained medical professional, I could have told you that playing all the FA releases straight through would cure the headache, as well as any incontinence you may be experiencing. I haven’t played the FA to the budding pizzas out in the back 40 yet, but it sounds like a superb idea. I bet they’d go from small to extra large with extra cheese overnight.

  2. Hmmm, band names after weightlifting exercises…
    “Reverse Plank”
    “Close-Grip Press”
    “The Extenderz” (prolly LB style nu metal lolz)
    hmmm, thought this was gonna be funnier than it ended up turning out… I digress.

    Couldn’t help but think of an interesting parrallel between lifting and metal. It’s all about posturing and being “scene” I think that weightlifting is one avenue for the overall greater good, which is simply to be active. But some folk just really run with it and turn it into something stupid, doing their hair and putting on name brand shit to go lift. And btw you’re not the coolest dude on the goddamn planet because you can pick something up and put it back down. If the zombie apocalypse goes down then I would imagine that being able to run a marathon would somehow prove to be more practical, but once again, I digress.
    Apply metal to the ‘avenue” and music to the “greater good” and therein lies the parrallel…

  3. I tried lifting weights once…I’m still fucking sore.

    Seriously, though, I have a lot of respect for weight lifters, and I do think that a good exercise routine is really fucking important to living a good life.

    I just suck at living a good life.

    But at least I have whiskey to help me forget.

    Anyway, most important part: GOOD FUCKING PANCAKE MUSIC!!!

    • Yep, whiskey is my post-workout protein shake of choice. A good all-day hangover wipes out the muscle pain during recovery days, as well as all other physical sensations. Whiskey has protein in it, right?

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